These thoughts keep them circling around the door of happiness, but they can't find the key to get in. They may have been excellent, graduated from a prestigious school, had an enviable job, and even from the outside world, they were winners in life. But the inner voice always makes them suffer. They usually look no different from normal people, but only they know that day by day, their unhappiness never stops.
So, do they have any serious mental illness? Actually, it's not. What they lack is just a little self-esteem. Self-esteem is one of the most basic dimensions of our personality. Like our body organs, self-esteem can get sick. Inferiority can make people feel unhappy; And high self-esteem is unstable, which often makes people feel hurt. Therefore, maintaining correct self-esteem may be more urgent and important than we think.
The book we are going to talk about today will give you an all-round understanding of the personality trait of self-esteem. The authors of this book are famous French psychologists and psychiatrists Christopher Andre and Fran? ois Leraul. They are not only best-selling authors, but also active psychotherapists with a lot of clinical experience. If the person you care about happens to have a problem of self-esteem, please follow our footsteps. I will take you to explore the secrets in people's hearts, find out the root of self-esteem behind your behavior, and provide specific solutions.
Next, I will interpret this book for you in three parts.
In the first part, let's have a comprehensive understanding of what self-esteem is. What types are there? What is the root of making self-esteem sick? In the second part, we simply evaluate our self-esteem level. While listening to this part, you can also evaluate the self-esteem level of the people you care about. In the third part, I will take you into the self-esteem healing room and provide you with concrete and feasible improvement plans.
first part
Are you ready? Before we begin, let's simply define self-esteem. The author tells us that self-esteem is how we look at ourselves and whether we like ourselves in our eyes. Please say this sentence silently, which will start our next journey.
Then let's get started.
How do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself in your eyes? Now, we walked into the laboratory with this question: the front door opened and we saw a harmonious warm light. There is a table in the center of the room with an empty round-bottomed flask on it. There are two big characters on the label of the flask: self-esteem. On the side are three tubes of red, orange and blue liquid, which read self-love, self-concept and self-confidence.
Now, please follow my instructions and pour the red "self-love" into the flask. Self-love is the most important part of self-esteem and the foundation of everything. Unconditional self-love will plant the seeds of self-esteem in our hearts. Even when we make mistakes, experience setbacks or failures, it will send a hint that we deserve to be respected and loved.
How does self-love come about? Laboratory studies have found that self-love depends largely on the love and emotional nourishment given to us by our family in childhood. If parents can't express their love and always make harsh demands or severe reprimands, children are likely to stop loving themselves. What is even more frightening is that when a child grows up, he will not believe that others will want to be with him because they love him. It is difficult for people who do not know how to love themselves to establish a normal intimate relationship. On the contrary, people who know how to love themselves are usually emotionally stable, able to establish a trusting relationship with others, and tolerant of criticism and rejection.
Therefore, learning to love yourself unconditionally is the first step to gain self-esteem. Ok, next, please pour the orange "self-concept" next to it into the flask, which is the second largest component of self-esteem. How we look at ourselves and evaluate our strengths and weaknesses is the display of self-concept.
A screen appeared on the wall of the room, and Jean batiste, a 2 1 year-old college student, was crying to a psychologist. He seems a little anxious: "I am always afraid of disappointing my parents." My father didn't go to college, but all his brothers and sisters have good academic qualifications. So my father always thought that I was superior to others in all aspects. First in school, first in the playground, and also learn to play the piano. He is very demanding of me, as if I have unlimited potential. I always feel that this is a kind of support and encouragement. He has performed well since he was a child and has always been appreciated. This makes dad very happy, so I feel happy, too. But it also makes me very anxious and afraid of failure. "
Does this sound familiar? I believe he is not the only one who has this kind of distress. Sunshine handsome boy continued: "I am studying in a prestigious school now, and my girlfriends are beautiful rich girls." I think I can get a high social status in the future, but I am still very afraid of failure. I'm very sensitive. If I don't get what I want, I'll go crazy. Finally, he sighed and said, "I'm still not sure if I have realized all my father's hopes for me. "
Why do boys seem to have everything, but they are still very anxious? The answer is that there is something wrong with his self-concept. Note that our own strengths and weaknesses are not important, what matters is our subjective judgment of ourselves. He thinks he will never live up to his father's expectations. How did this self-concept come into being? It is found that a person's judgment on himself mainly comes from the family environment, especially the development goals set by parents for their children.
Many times, parents have more or less certain expectations for their children, and this expectation will turn into pressure. The source of this expectation may be that parents expect the next one to fulfill their unfinished wishes instead of them; Secondly, it may also be the expectation from the society. When children of the same age have begun to learn English nursery rhymes, how can their children not even recognize ABCD? Once the child fails to meet expectations, parents are very strict, and blindly blaming will only hurt the child's self-esteem. They usually ignore children's anxiety about "failure". What is even more frightening is that if children are always hit by falling short of expectations during their growth, their self-concept will also tend to be negative during their growth.
It is found that if you can correctly understand your own advantages and disadvantages and have positive expectations for your future, then this self-concept will become an internal force, so that we can bear setbacks and achieve higher goals; On the contrary, if you lack this kind of self-judgment, you will rely on others and it will be difficult to make your own choices.
There must be someone around you: he studied a major that he didn't like since he was a child, and he was miserable every day. Even though he knew what his interests were, such as studying art, illustration and music, he graduated step by step and found a job he didn't like. Why is this happening? Fundamentally speaking, this is because they don't believe that they can succeed in unfamiliar fields, are afraid of failure, and even dare not try at last. Just like that boy just now, he always lives in his father's expectation, and it is difficult to build self-esteem and find real happiness by taking the road set by his father.
Therefore, we should also establish a positive self-concept. Only when we look at our own advantages and disadvantages correctly can we strut towards our own future. Ok, now that we have mixed the colors of "self-love" and "self-concept", we will pour the blue "confidence" into the flask.
Do you feel confident? Sometimes you may think that self-esteem is self-confidence, but it is not. Self-confidence is mainly used to describe our behavior-having self-confidence means that you believe in your ability to take appropriate actions on important occasions. More importantly, action is also a necessary condition for maintaining self-confidence. Small success on weekdays is essential to the establishment of self-confidence, just as food and oxygen are necessities for our survival.
So, where does confidence come from? The laboratory believes that it mainly comes from our family education model and school education model, which is not an empty talk. Please pay attention to the following points: first, do children realize that failure is only a possibility of their own behavior, not an irreparable disaster? Second, will children get the same praise as success when they try new things? Third, how did he learn to learn from difficulties, instead of going forward when encountering difficulties? Fourth, parents' confidence will also be passed on to their children. If they can't accept failure, they ask their children to accept failure. This is an ineffective educational model.
Well, now we have completed the three components of self-esteem: self-love, self-concept and self-confidence, which are interdependent. As you can imagine, this is a virtuous circle-self-love will make you have a positive evaluation of yourself, a correct view of your strengths and weaknesses will have a positive impact on your self-confidence, and self-confidence will help you love yourself more. If one of the links goes wrong, then your self-esteem will be hurt.
Now, the three liquids in the self-esteem bottle are fully mixed, making a "purring" sound, and a small flower grows out of the bottle. Please water it with two watering pots at hand. These two watering pots represent our two major needs. One is feeling loved (appreciated, sympathized, welcomed, etc.). ); The other is to feel capable (talented, capable, etc.). ) These two nutrients are essential for our self-esteem.