Tracing back to the source, my parents never taught me to refuse, and I never taught me to resist when I was bullied and humiliated. I am the elder sister of my family, and I have a younger sister who is over 1. Since childhood, all the education we have received is to take good care of our sister, let her go, study hard and be a child that everyone likes. Other, parents never mentioned. I think maybe they were busy with farm work at that time, or maybe they didn't know that children should pay attention to psychological growth education besides teaching these basic knowledge.
When I was a child, I couldn't sleep, from thinking of going to a strange place the next day, or meeting a relative I haven't seen before, to having an exam the next day. I couldn't sleep the night before. I don't know whether it's nervousness, worry or fear of the unknown. In short, these things will always circulate in my mind countless times the night before, tossing and turning. I'm really fed up with my personality that I can't put anything down and everyone is afraid of offending. But what's the use? 30 years of character, change it if you say it. )
In primary school, although I was in the top one or two in a class of more than 20 people in rural areas, it didn't bring me any benefits in my growth and life. Once, just after school, I learned to play ball with a girl at the table tennis table. The bully in the class, a fallen student appeared. First, he kicked the girl opposite me and cried, then he came to me and walked around me, saying, don't think that if you get good grades, I won't dare to kick you. At that time, I didn't know how to resist the reply. It seems that he kicked another girl, so you can't stop kicking me just because I got good grades. So, there is the next answer, you kick. Sure enough, the bully flew to me and left happily. The girl who was left to cry, I was at a loss. And I didn't feel anything wrong, and I didn't want to resist. At that time, I didn't know what resistance was at all, and I was used to it.
My first period was in the sixth grade of primary school. I have a stomachache after school. I went to the bathroom alone. That hot summer, in that simple bathroom full of maggots, I saw myself bleeding and panicked. I didn't know this was the menstrual period that every girl would have, and I didn't hear from my parents. Without any psychological preparation, I was worried that I was sick, and I stayed alone in the bathroom for a long time. In the meantime, some male students threw stones at the bathroom. I dare not make a sound for fear that he will come in. It was not until there was no sound outside and everyone went home that they wiped their exercise books and went home.
After I got home, I still didn't tell my mother. My mother was busy with farm work and didn't think I was strange. Until she went home to go to the toilet and found my menstrual blood in the toilet. She calmly taught me how to fold long toilet paper and use it as a sanitary towel. Then, I went out to do farm work. Never told me what it was. I found the bloody toilet paper that my mother used. At that time, I just thought that only people who had children would have them.
Every semester, we will go to the general school to take the final exam. Every exam, I leave before dawn. Mom will prepare two yuan and two eggs, which means to test a hundred times. We walked all the way, called our classmates together, held the lamp and went to the exam all the way. I am always comfortable with every exam, but I can't do anything about the bullying of my classmates. After an exam, everyone took out the money given by their parents to buy all kinds of snacks. This time is the busiest time for business. Otherwise, I just shouted at her to give me fifty cents, and she was still indifferent. But the evil classmates who passed by heard it. He came back and kicked me five feet, saying, find five feet, find five feet. And I was embarrassed and blushed, and I didn't know how to resist, as if I kicked him.
When you grow up, the same is true in the face of marriage. I have always been a good student at school and a good girl at home. I have never been in love since I entered the society, and I agreed when someone chased me. I have never considered whether two people are suitable, whether the three views are consistent, and I don't know what love is. You can feel true love when you meet anyone.
After a long time, I found that two people are not so suitable. I love chasing dramas and he loves playing games. I am lazy, and he is lazier. Another most unacceptable thing is that he loves playing cards, and it is common to go out to play cards late at night. When we found these, our children were over 1 year old. I've been holding back all this, and I feel that if I have children, I have to put up with it. Children are everything. Go on for the children. When he owed gambling debts and went to another city overnight, I didn't feel anything wrong.
Later, I also resigned and went to his city to find him. I got a job abroad and met once a week. There is nothing to say when we meet. He still loves playing games as always. Whether or not you are still playing cards is unknown. In all these years, I have never asked about his salary. Because my salary has always been higher than his, I am subsidizing my family. After a long time, I found that two people were getting farther and farther away. He is too realistic and has no ambition. I have never felt his concern. Every time I open a video with my child, I cry. I don't want to live like this any longer. I can't see the future, only despair and disappointment.
He always thought I wanted a divorce because he was poor. In fact, when he got married, he was also very poor. Also, because of having children, I got married in a muddle. I got a marriage certificate for my child's hukou. After all, when we were together, we never thought about it. Everything is natural, and I didn't want to say no.
Later, I learned that when two people are together, there are many things to consider, at least love. But why pay such a big price to understand this?
If youth can come again, I will bravely refuse, dare to see no, stop letting nature take its course and take my destiny into my own hands. There is only one life, and I went the wrong way and never looked back.
PS, fortunately, I found a timely and timely stop loss.