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In the process of children's growth, there will always be various problems that make parents have a headache.

How do you handle children's problems?

I met some parents, and their most common reaction was anxiety. They concentrated on solving problems as soon as possible, as if they needed to solve problems at work immediately.

But educating children is not the same as working. We can't take home the way we treat work and use it to treat children.

Because work is about efficiency and problem solving. And once education is efficient, it's over.

Education is a project that needs to be infiltrated slowly. It takes time to feel, to accompany, to communicate and understand, to influence, to learn and grow. This time is the process.

Education itself is a process, not a result. In this process, parents give their children the most important nutrients: love and affection.

Love can give children a sense of security, self-confidence and value, which is the basis for the good development of children's personality.

Feeling is an important prerequisite for children to gain a sense of self and existence, and it is also the basis for children to discover themselves, know themselves and finally achieve themselves.

A child who has been denied and neglected for a long time has an empty heart, and it is difficult for him to find his sense of existence and meaning in life. When such children grow up, their feelings are often empty, indifferent or numb, and it is difficult to feel love and happiness. He usually lives in pain and fatigue.

Therefore, if children want to be happy in the future and achieve themselves, love and affection are essential, and these all take time.

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Children's problems are actually their opportunities and nourishment for learning and growth.

Don't simply seek shortcuts to solve children's problems. That is tantamount to artificially cutting off the only way for children to grow up and discarding the opportunity for children to learn and grow.

Simply solving children's problems, the result of education is often half the effort, or even counterproductive.

This is because children's learning and growth are actually realized in the process of constantly appearing problems and dealing with them. The problem is not only the medium for children to learn and grow, but also the opportunity for children to learn and grow.

Trying to bypass, avoid or even "eliminate" the problem is actually eliminating the normal environment and opportunities for children to learn and grow.

For example, ask children not to cry, ask them to be obedient, or force them to study. As a result, parents worry a lot, and children still have "problems."

So parents will be angry, wronged, depressed, and then dissatisfied with their children. Causes children to deny themselves and feel that they are not worthy of love or even cumbersome.

There are also some children whose feelings are ignored by their parents. In order to cater to adults and win their approval, they often behave like two different people in front of and behind their parents, which leads to many "little dummies" that make parents unable to see their children clearly.

Over time, these children lost the ability of their true selves, and even lost their true selves.

Really wise parents are not only not afraid of problems, but even welcome them. They are not in a hurry to solve the "children's problems", but turn the problems into opportunities and nourishment for children to learn and grow again and again.

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Ignoring feelings is the biggest pit of family education.

If a person's feelings are always ignored by his parents when he grows up, he will feel that feelings are unimportant and dispensable when he grows up, and even feel that feelings reduce his efficiency in solving problems. In this way, he will also ignore the feelings of himself and others and cut off the connection with others' feelings.

This is the chief culprit that hinders a person's efficient and high-quality life.

If the relationship between children and their parents is not handled well in childhood, they will often encounter obstacles and be frustrated everywhere when they grow up, and life will be more bumpy and less likely to feel happy.

If a person has an empathetic parent who can see and accept his feelings in childhood, he learns how to love, how to see and respect the feelings of himself and others.

In this way, when he grows up, the parent-child relationship and marriage relationship will be handled well. His life will be easy to get happiness.

This requires parents to have inner peace and the ability to see their children's feelings in order to give them the understanding and empathy they need.

If parents themselves are anxious and see their children's problems, they will inevitably fall into their own emotional troubles, which will invisibly ignore their children's feelings and put pressure on them.

For example, children are called parents at school because of study or other problems, and some parents collapse first, so they lose control of their emotions, start complaining and blaming their children, and pass on their anxiety and pressure to them.

This will not only fail to properly handle the problem, but also make children feel that "even their parents are not on my side", which will make them more depressed and desperate. Parent-child relationship has also been damaged.

No matter what a person has experienced since childhood, if he can be kind to him in the relationship and get positive emotional support from his parents, his children will have the opportunity to face all kinds of "uncertainties". Because there are parents' understanding and support behind them, it gives them inner strength.

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Good parents will make themselves emotional intelligence coaches for their children.

In Dr. Zhang Yijun's concept of children's EQ education, there is a golden principle: deal with the mood first, then deal with things. This principle applies to both parents and children.

For example, 9-year-old Xiao Qiang played football at home and kicked the ball onto the coffee table, causing the teacup to be kicked to the ground. Dad shouted, "Don't play football at home!" " "And took the ball away. Xiao Qiang burst into tears angrily.

At this time, the family members came one after another, and everyone's reaction was different:

In this process, the father belongs to the tiger type and suppresses the child's emotions. This will make children feel that expressing their emotions is problematic, even a sign of weakness. But emotions can't be dealt with by repression. If children's emotions accumulate for a long time, once they break out, it may cause uncontrollable scenes that are difficult to clean up.

Grandma belongs to sheep type. She is helpless in the face of children's emotions and is used to unprincipled compromise. This will enable children to develop a way of threatening others with emotions to achieve their goals.

Grandpa belongs to ostrich type, ignoring children's emotional feelings; Ignoring children's emotions, over time, children are likely to lose the ability to feel their emotions. When you grow up, you are prone to psychological problems such as self-doubt or denial.

Therefore, these three methods are not the most conducive to children's growth. They do not let children learn how to deal with emotions correctly. They do not provide children with better opportunities for learning and growth, and even some practices will bring negative psychological effects to children.

Finally, my mother walked up to Xiao Qiang, looked at him calmly and gently, and said, "I know you are sad because you can't play at home." However, playing ball at home may break something and hurt yourself or your family, right? "

Xiao Qiang stopped crying and nodded. Mother continued: "What do you think, what else can we play?"

Xiao Qiang immediately changed his mood and began to think about ideas with his mother, discussing what can and can't be played at home. Mother affirmed him in time and carefully recorded his thoughts.

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Remember the shepherd-type EQ coach mentioned in my last article?

In this link, mother played the role of a shepherd dog coach. She skillfully used the golden rule of "dealing with feelings first, then dealing with things", and looked for opportunities to help children learn self-management and self-growth together.

She first understands and accepts the children's emotions, then tells them why they can't play football at home, and finally guides them to come up with ideas that can calm their emotions and play well at home.

Let's go back to the anxiety caused by the invited parents.

When parents are invited to have emotions because of themselves, they should first be aware of their emotions. Where do your emotions and anxiety about children come from? Is it because the child's performance caused you to feel powerless and frustrated?

If so, first deal with your emotional feelings and learn to accept your sense of powerlessness and frustration. After all, it's our first time as parents and we have no experience. All this is normal. Only by accepting yourself can you calm yourself down and gain inner strength.

At the same time, only parents can realize their emotional feelings and manage their emotions properly, can they really see and understand their children's emotional feelings and teach them how to handle relationships correctly.

Children will start from this relationship and extend this relationship to the relationship with others, thus making altruistic, self-interested and win-win cooperation.

He has more and more beautiful feelings about the world, and his life has more and more possibilities and happiness.