In contemporary society, with the development of industrialization, commercialization, urbanization, informationization and modernization of modern society, the crisis of marriage is deepening and the divorce rate is rising, which has triggered a series of social contradictions and social problems. It is of great significance to analyze the contemporary marriage crisis and understand the methods to deal with it, so as to get rid of it and solve a series of social contradictions and problems caused by it. Key words: marriage, marriage crisis, marriage, war, biological gender differences and gender role differences make men and women belong to two different worlds for a long time: one is the man's world and the other is the woman's world. Marriage broke the separation between the two worlds. However, in the common marriage life, both husband and wife are still used to taking their own world as the frame of reference for marriage life. They are even very attached to single life, and it is difficult for them to accept the change of social role. In this complicated role conflict, there are both the joy of loving each other and the disappointment of tears and upset. Marriage is like a bittersweet bottle of wine, and everyone can taste different flavors from marriage life. Laughing and crying for Qi Fei, hope and disappointment coexist, which may be a common feature of marriage. Spinoza once said: There are no two identical leaves in the world. No two leaves are exactly the same, so it is completely understandable that couples with different life experiences and different personalities have such or such contradictions in their marriage life. But Spinoza went on to say: There are no two completely different leaves in the world. This shows that as long as it is a leaf, you can always find some similarities. Therefore, the crisis in marriage life can be solved by seeking common ground while reserving differences and understanding each other. The consistency between husband and wife in ideals, beliefs, tastes, habits, personality and education can be called the homogeneity of husband and wife marriage; The inconsistency between husband and wife in ideals, beliefs, tastes, habits, personality and education can be called the heterogeneity of husband and wife marriage. Due to the natural psychological differences between the two sexes, a completely different psychological situation has been formed. In marriage, the homogeneity between husband and wife is relative, but the heterogeneity is absolute, which is the root cause of the marriage crisis. It is not terrible to have a crisis, because there is no need to take the form of marriage war to deal with the crisis in marriage. If both husband and wife are good at the art of dealing with the crisis in marriage, they can solve these problems at any time, make the big problems smaller and the small problems disappear, so that the crisis will not develop into an irreversible situation, trigger a marriage war and eventually lead to the disintegration of marriage. Only those couples who don't know how to deal with the crisis in marriage will turn small problems into big problems, and finally have to solve the crisis in marriage through the form of marriage war. The fuse of marriage crisis is often some trivial things. But this is only the fuse of the crisis. In fact, there are already bad feelings between husband and wife. The marriage crisis is formed by a series of small contradictions accumulated over time, and finally it is triggered by something. Therefore, in order to avoid marriage, it is necessary to achieve psychological communication between husband and wife, so that both sides have no bad feelings, eliminate contradictions and misunderstandings in time, and prevent their accumulation. 1. Anatomy of the crisis of marriage in contemporary China In contemporary China, it can lead to marriage conflicts, and then the fuse of marriage crisis is often sexual jealousy, housework, children, money, social activities, television, work and rest habits, extramarital affairs, vacations and sexual life. Sometimes there is no lack of coquetry between husband and wife as a regulation or supplement in married life. Anatomically, the fuse of the above-mentioned marriage crisis can be divided into the following three types: the first type: from outside the family. Here we call all factors outside the nuclear family (husband, wife and children) the crisis fuse from outside the family. For example, the marriage crisis is caused by the interference of one spouse's parents, brothers or other relatives, financial aid to them, quarrels, festive banquets and other reasons. The marriage crisis is caused by one spouse having a history of love before marriage or losing his virginity, or having an affair after marriage, or suspecting that the other spouse has an affair; Marriage crisis caused by dissatisfaction with career or friends; External reasons such as promotion, promotion, further education, going abroad and further study cause marriage crisis; The marriage crisis caused by the inconsistency between political views and academic views. The second type: from within the family. Lack of love between husband and wife, one or both of them feel hurt, and the other thinks that the other party ignores their own existence, which can be the fuse of marriage crisis, leading to differences of opinion on the direction of children's education and training; The contradiction between children's surnames and naming; Husband and wife's sexual life is not harmonious; Disagreements about family expenses, decision-making and housework burden; Families that prefer boys to girls often cause quarrels because of having girls; One party is too strict with the other; Disputes over the right to choose TV programs. The third type: personal quality. The marriage crisis is caused by the differences in values, personality, personality and hobbies between husband and wife. Excessive smoking and drinking, as well as rude and outrageous behavior, are also more likely to lead to marriage crisis; Personal psychological or physical diseases, even some physical defects, such as body odor and pockmarked face, may cause marriage crisis; The change of one party's status, the improvement of cultural knowledge and the change of other personal quality conditions may all lead to marriage crisis. From the perspective of various social classes, the fuse of marriage crisis is different. For low-income families, economic factors are often the fuse of marriage crisis; Intellectuals or government civil servants often quarrel about housework or cleaning up the room; Families with high expectations for their children are often unhappy because of their children's education problems; The fuse of young couples' marriage crisis is often to doubt each other's love for themselves; In a family where one party is sociable and the other party is not sociable, the fuse of marriage crisis is often the difference between treating people and entertaining relatives and friends; The marital crisis caused by disharmony in sexual life and extramarital affairs is a common problem of all classes. From a sociological point of view, the marriage crisis is a reflection of social unrest in the field of marriage. Social unrest causes people's psychological and emotional instability, which is most easily manifested in the field of marriage. The women's liberation movement has made women a great force that can compete with men. This huge power will inevitably have a fierce conflict with the traditional power of men in marriage. Feminists' radical slogan of "men go home to hold their children and women go out to earn money" often angers men, and the rampant slogan of "women go home" also makes many professional women dissatisfied. The divorce rate is getting higher and higher. Divorce is no longer a matter of losing face, and it also aggravates the marriage crisis. We believe that there are generally two kinds of contradictions that cause marriage crisis. One involves the right or wrong of marriage, such as one party's dictatorship, which makes the other party lose freedom; Unreasonable suspicion and jealousy; One party has an affair; The indifference and emotional crisis of love. The other kind does not involve the right or wrong of marriage, but is caused by some unprincipled heterogeneity differences, such as the differences of husband and wife's interests, hobbies, personality and habits. For the first contradiction, husband and wife should distinguish right from wrong through proper communication. If one party insists on not changing, the marriage crisis will lead to the dissolution of marriage, which is not only a pity, but also a blessing. For the second contradiction, the best solution is to compromise and avoid a marriage war, not to mention the disintegration of marriage for these contradictions that do not involve right and wrong. [on \ text \ net LunWenNet\Com] II. Ways to deal with marital crisis. The crisis in marriage is often manifested in the marriage war between husband and wife. Therefore, the way to avoid the expansion of marriage war is also the way to deal with the crisis in marriage. The list is as follows: 1. You should be more considerate and gentle than usual when you find that the other party has signs of provoking a marriage war. And release the "weather forecast" to other family members at any time, whether it is sunny to cloudy or cloudy to cloudy, try to explore the dissatisfaction or appeal hidden in the subconscious of the other party. 2. When the marriage war is at a low point, we should control ourselves, try to eliminate misunderstandings, avoid resistance, and don't get angry easily, so as not to lead to the escalation of the war. Anger, especially uncontrolled anger, often accelerates the deterioration of husband and wife's feelings. Especially when you are careful that there are often "nameless fires", you should pay more attention to avoiding getting angry. Doctors find that they are often angry but can't solve it correctly; It is one of the causes of various chronic diseases. Angry people in marriage are often in a state of tension, which will disorder the regulatory mechanism in the body and cause diseases. But sometimes keeping the other person in the heart can also cause some diseases. In order to avoid this danger, when one party is angry about something, first let the other party know why he is angry and seek the other party's understanding. The other party can allow him to get angry at will within 5 minutes. In this way, one side's anger will naturally disappear more than half, or even give up this five-minute anger "right." The two sides can choose another time to discuss again and analyze the reasons to prevent similar things from happening again in the future. 3. Maintain a limited war mode and prevent a package war. When the war of marriage war is inevitable, both sides should focus on the issues that cause differences and not involve other issues to avoid complicating the marriage war. Only by limiting the war to a certain extent can both sides easily express their views calmly, which is conducive to ending the war as soon as possible. Ask clear questions, based on facts rather than assumptions; The demands should be positive and conducive to the consolidation of marriage, rather than having a negative impact on marriage relations; Listen patiently when the other person tells, and don't interrupt or refute immediately; Pay attention to each other's reaction when speaking; Words should be both tit-for-tat and sweet words; If quarreling is inevitable, we should always remind both sides to speak softly and not loudly. If the two sides can't seek common ground while reserving differences, they just need to clarify their views, and there is no need to continue the war. It's best to "truce" for a period of time, and then discuss it after the two sides "calm down" for a period of time. Maybe time can narrow the differences between the two sides. Husband and wife should use the conventional weapon of "talking" in "war", and it is forbidden to take "hands-on" or other violent acts to hurt each other. Once the "unconventional war" breaks out, it will cause irreparable trauma to the marriage relationship and make the crack expand rapidly. 6. Even when the quarrel is fierce, don't insult each other's personality and hurt each other's self-esteem, otherwise the war may develop in the direction of "protracted war". Many couples often quarrel over and over again because of the same thing. Once they quarrel, they immediately get involved in the most sensitive issue of the other party, which leads to the depression of both sides. In this case, it is best for both sides to explain their most vulnerable aspects to each other openly when quarreling, reminding each other not to hurt at will. At the same time, we should also respect each other's feelings and avoid touching their emotional sensitive areas. 7, even when using "conventional weapons", don't use sharp words to stab each other's hearts, because sometimes the lethality of words is unimaginable. Don't say the same thing over and over again, but "innovate" so that you won't react the same way for convenience. Don't deny each other's questions again and again, but say "let me think about it" to show respect for each other. 8. When the other side is heartbroken, it is necessary to stop fighting immediately, even if it is justified, and it should not be "chasing after victory". The art of war says, "Don't chase the enemy." So is the marriage war. If you push the other side into a hurry, there is a danger of a vicious case. 9. At any stage of the "war", we should always be ready to make peace. Don't be ashamed to give in, be good at seizing the opportunity to apologize to the other party, admit that you have a bad attitude and hurt the other party's heart, and sincerely ask the other party for forgiveness. Of course, there are principles for making concessions. It doesn't mean begging for mercy, let alone kneeling down to pretend to be a bear. Many women with high taste just hate her husband's spineless appearance. Although the phrase "a man has gold under his knee" embodies feudal chauvinism, compromise without self-esteem and personality will not only not quell the marriage war, but also make the family restless. On the premise of maintaining personal dignity, voluntary withdrawal may lead to the other side taking corresponding measures to avoid close combat. 10, good at hanging "war-free cards". When you are very tired physically and mentally, or encounter unpleasant things, or you are very upset, or you are unconscious after drinking, you should hang up the "no war card" and don't fight with each other. Because at this time, the individual's rational ability is weak and impulsive. Losing your mind and taking irrational actions in the marriage war will cause lifelong regret. 1 1. In a war, you can sometimes take the initiative to leave the battlefield, shut yourself in a small room, or go outside for fun and come back later; Sometimes you can use a few humorous words to make the other person smile through tears; But sometimes we should be careful not to leave suddenly in a fit of pique or stay at home for a few days. Any time you go back to your parents' house, you will put the other person in an extremely embarrassing position, which is not conducive to solving the problem. If both sides have strong self-esteem, it is easy to form a confrontation situation-"see who is in charge first!" There will be an unpleasant psychological shadow at home when there are dark clouds for several days in a row. 12, no sexual revenge in wartime. Doing so will only hurt each other's feelings and lay a curse for the disharmony of life in the future. 13, there should be no grudges. As the saying goes, "Young couples don't hold grudges when they fight, but quarrel in the morning and make up at night", so they should be good at making waves in the hibiscus account and dispelling their worries on the Yuanyang pillow. One day hatred is separated, and tonight it is a loving couple. 14, be good at "calling for reinforcements" to stop the spread of war. Generally speaking, there should be no outsiders involved in the marriage war, especially those who participate in the war to help one party or act as an arbitrator in the middle, which will not only help the early end of the marriage war, but also make it go on in a wider scope. The "outsider" here means anyone other than husband and wife, including other family members, colleagues, neighbors, friends, leaders and so on. "Honest officials can't break housework", the origin and development of the marriage war is really puzzling. However, when one party feels that the marriage war cannot be ended, "calling for reinforcements" can be regarded as a way to temporarily alleviate the contradiction. Sometimes it can even play the role of "fire fighting". 15, we might as well appoint a "quarrel" time, so that the contradiction between husband and wife can be resolved in time before it intensifies and the accumulation of hatred can be avoided. British psychologist Wilton believes that quarreling is an "art". If couples quarrel skillfully, they can not only ease their dissatisfaction, but also enhance their feelings. 16, directional association should not be produced in marriage war. When lovers are in love, they always think of each other's strengths. After quarreling, most people think of each other's "ingratitude", so that they dig up some old sesame seeds and rotten millet. This concentration of "quantity" of directional association will inevitably cause the image of the other party to be excessively damaged in the extreme shadow and lose psychological balance. As long as the above 16 can be achieved, the marriage war triggered by the marriage crisis will not fundamentally disintegrate the marriage relationship.