Family of origin refers to the family where we were born and raised. He often has a great influence on each of us and our lives:
Our understanding of ourselves, the way we treat others and our whole world outlook are all shaped by the environment in family of origin.
Even if we leave family of origin to form a new family, if the problems existing in family of origin are not solved or can't be seen, in the new family, we will still repeat various mechanisms and rules of family of origin, and this influence will accompany us invisibly for life.
In the movie Lost in Russia, Xu Yiwan, who looks like Ma Baonan, started quarreling with his mother without saying a few words. He has been very worried about his father's death, thinking that his mother has been trying to control his father too much, which made him unhappy, and now she is trying to control herself. Ivan has been escaping from his mother's desire for control, and it is difficult to maintain a close relationship with his mother, but Ivan's mother feels extremely wronged. No matter for her son or her husband, she always wants to transform each other in her own way, but she can never make them what she wants, and she will never succeed, and she is also very painful.
Ivan has been running away from his mother's desire for control. As can be seen from the partner he is looking for, a very reasonable Zhang Lu, whose personality is completely opposite to that of his mother, can live like a mother in his marriage, always imposing his own ideas on the other half, clearly expressing his love, using the wrong way, and finally getting divorced.
The more we hate a person, the more we finally find ourselves more and more like him/her, and more and more like his/her life ... This is the influence brought to us by Born in a Family, which is deeply rooted in the bone marrow.
Some people say that the most difficult thing in life is to be influenced psychologically and emotionally by the environment of the early Origin and Fate, not to repeat everything in Origin and Fate, and not to deliberately do the opposite. Whether an adult's life is happy or not depends largely on whether he can perceive and handle the operation mode of Origin and Death.
So what toxic modes of operation of family of origin did the movie Lost in Russia reveal to us?
Most people enter marriage thinking that they are similar to their partner in daily life, and their pursuit in life is the same. They always think that what I want is what he wants, and they should keep the same opinion whatever they do.
However, in real life, there is a big quarrel between two people, ranging from who washes dishes and does housework to the education of children. These contrasts will certainly make the beauty of love disappear, and people will miss the beauty of love at that time. Just like Eva's mother in the movie, she hates her husband so much. Even after her husband left for so many years, she will never forget the beauty of meeting at that time.
Actually, it's not that you chose the wrong person, but that two people are together. There are too many possible differences. The ideal relationship between husband and wife is not lasting harmony. Both sides want the same thing at the same time. We didn't realize that you were no better than me, but we were different.
Before becoming husband and wife, first of all, they are two different independent individuals. Everyone will be influenced by their family background, and they will have different habits, different styles of doing things and different values. Secondly, the role played by the husband/wife. It is inevitable that there will be problems and differences. This is the norm.
If you don't admit differences and differences, you will be anxious when you meet them, and you will try your best to make the other person consistent with yourself and try your best to change each other. We often think about what our spouse, children or other people should be like, and often say "what should you do" or "what you'd better do", but our real intention is "what I want you to do" .......
This is our biggest misunderstanding, which leads to the failure of social marriage. There are no two identical people in this world, and there are too many conflicts.
Ronald? In Beyond Blood Family, Richardson said: If the major differences between the two sides cannot be discovered in time, it is impossible to establish a real intimate relationship.
The key to realize this is that in the face of differences, people want the other person to change and obey themselves, and the other person's reaction determines how the family handles the differences.
In his book Beyond the Origin of the Family, Dr. Ronald divided the basic reactions into four types:
1) compliance
2) rebellion
3) Attack
4) Break off the relationship.
The basic requirement of the compliance model is to "maintain peace at all costs". For fear of conflict, we simply deny the existence of differences.
This seemingly harmonious relationship is actually false, and such a couple is also very lacking in intimacy. This is the marriage of Xu Ivan in the film. At first, he was attracted by Zhang Lu. Zhang Lu is a very reasonable person, which is completely different from his mother, so he is attracted. But in marriage, it is difficult for him to get rid of the original appearance. He didn't realize that he was different from Zhang Lu. For all the problems and quarrels, he did whatever it took.
The rebels in the rebel model are obsessed with rebellious behavior and specifically oppose others. In a family, one spouse is an "authority figure" and the other is a "rebel figure". Authority always wants to prove that he is right, while rebels specifically oppose authority. This is the so-called "rebellious mode".
Attack means that there will always be an "attacker" and an "anti-attacker" in the family. The "attacker" blamed his own loss and frustration on the other side and tried his best to change the other side, but the other side refused to change anything and had to "fight back". It can be said that such families are fighting every day.
In addition to endless attacks and counterattacks, there is a more extreme way to deal with it, which is to sever the relationship directly. Dr Ronald said that one partner in a marriage broke up with his family mainly because he felt very weak. These people seem to be independent, but in fact this is just an illusion. It can be said that directly breaking off the relationship is a passive escape reaction.
In reality, few people have enough self-awareness to stop being influenced by these patterns, and each of us will respond to one or more of the above patterns. In the movie "Lost Russia", in the marriage relationship between Ivan's parents, Ivan's mother's strong attack, his father's resistance, and finally drinking alcohol to anesthetize himself, Ivan's obedience, trying to escape and maintaining peace are typical manifestations of these four models.
A healthy and well-run family can tolerate many differences among members, respect the existence of each other's independent individuals, and make each other a complete self, so as to grow together. At the end of the movie, when everyone saw their differences and became a complete self, all the problems were solved.
The so-called super-function, that is, over-responsibility, over-quota, and insufficient function, that is, unable to meet basic needs and be responsible.
People who are "dysfunctional" feel that they have to shoulder heavy responsibilities and have no choice. For example, Ivan's mother, no matter how old Eva is, always feels that it is his responsibility for the devil to take care of him and even interfere with her children's families.
Ivan, on the other hand, has established a "dysfunctional person" and likes to find various excuses to prove that he can't shoulder this heavy responsibility. I don't even know where I put such an important thing as my passport. There are always many things he always wants to leave to his mother.
Dr. Ronald said that if the roles of "over-function" and "under-function" in a relationship are fixed, then the relationship is unhealthy. They are actually interdependent and maintain the status quo. If this continues, it will only deepen the degree of over-function and under-function. As people say, behind a lazy child, there is always a diligent mother.
Both "excess function" and "insufficient function" are due to people who are born in families who are not independent and can't clearly understand their own values and responsibilities.
If we want to be emotionally mature, we must learn how to act appropriately in similar situations and change our thoughts and behaviors at the right time.
The film has a good ending. During his six days with his mother, Ivan rediscovered each other and reconciled with himself, thus realizing each other. Love is to respect each other and become independent individuals. Love is to accept and accept each other's differences, not to turn each other into their own ideals.
We can't choose to come from a family, but we can choose our own coping style. We should be responsible for our own life and growth, transcend the family, live high, and realize real growth, and you will become a better self!