Do many parents feel this way?
In fact, it is not surprising that there is such a result, because strictly speaking, most parents just learn parenting skills.
For parents, when educating their children, they will encounter some specific problems, such as what to do if children don't do homework, what to do if children love to play with mobile phones, what to do if children are rebellious, and how to make children like reading ... Parents seek specific solutions to specific problems. These methods are certainly some parenting skills.
Then why do seemingly effective parenting skills have no effect in practice, or do parents forget when they learn them and forget when they use them?
In fact, this is not surprising for three reasons:
First of all, we are more easily controlled by emotions and adopt the most instinctive way of education.
Parents often form a set of habitual educational methods before learning skills.
When faced with children's problems, parents often lose control of their emotions. Once people lose control, they will be controlled by emotions and follow their intuition. At this time, people will subconsciously adopt the education method that they are most accustomed to and are best at. So parents have forgotten all the parenting skills and methods they have learned before, and of course they don't need them.
Secondly, skills need training.
Mastering any skill requires long-term training, and parents have never specially trained the skills they have learned.
Take empathy as an example. Many parents know this parenting skill, which can help parents establish better contact with their children, and then help parents better educate their children. Most parents know this skill, but they have never been trained, so they can't use it well.
The less you use it, the less skilled it is, and the more useless it is. I know a lot of last tricks, but when it comes to the crunch, I don't need them. Just like those boxers, which one didn't work hard to become the natural reaction of the body?
Secondly, skills are based on corresponding ideas.
The above two factors can be said to be direct factors, and I think this is the most fundamental reason.
There is actually an educational concept behind all parenting skills, and it is based on this educational concept that such parenting skills are developed and exhibited. For example, it is out of respect for children that parents don't beat and scold their children; It is precisely because parents think that children should listen to their parents, so it is natural for parents to beat their children.
Because our educational concept has not changed, when faced with problems, we will first generate an educational method from our original educational concept, and never say that another educational method suddenly emerges from this educational concept. In other words, even though we are sensible at this time, we think about parenting skills and apply them under another set of self-control concepts, but parents will feel uncomfortable because they don't conform to our own educational concepts, and children will feel uncomfortable with their parents.
Our thoughts and actions are consistent, and it is impossible to say one thing and do another. Even if you can perform and hide well, you will reveal your true thoughts in the details. And skills are concrete behaviors. If the concept of education does not change, it will be difficult for us to adopt another set of educational skills.
Just like practicing martial arts, different martial arts correspond to different skills. It is difficult for you to directly graft another set of martial arts skills to a completely different set of martial arts, otherwise it will be particularly awkward to use.
Now that we understand the fundamental reason why we have learned so many seemingly simple and easy-to-use parenting skills, let's think further. What educational ideas have most parents adopted?
Have you found that most parents face similar educational problems, such as children's rebellion, unwillingness to do homework, unwillingness to study and so on. This means that they should adopt the same educational philosophy.
Indeed, most parents use the "self-centered" "negative" educational concept.
What do you mean?
That is, when parents educate their children, they look at their children's problems from the perspective of "self" and then give educational methods. For example, we see that children are studying hard. Judging from their parents' "ego", children are studying hard. But if you put yourself in the child's shoes, will the child feel "slow"? I won't. If they think they are slow, they will become positive. Therefore, if you switch to the perspective of "children", parents will not say that their children are slow to respond.
The "self-centered" educational concept accords with human instinct. After all, everyone looks at the problem from their own perspective. This seemingly reasonable instinct has great problems in educating children. Because of "self-centeredness", we will subconsciously consider our own interests and strive to get the maximum benefit with the minimum expenditure. This instinctive reaction is in educating children, and we will get used to "denying" children: when we see their shortcomings, we will directly point them out, deny them and demand changes.
From the perspective of "yourself", you don't have to work hard by yourself, you just need to speak and force others to work hard, and you can enjoy the fruits of victory. Is there a better way to educate yourself? No, this education method is the simplest and most labor-saving.
Therefore, parents all over the world invariably adopt this kind of "negative education". The starting point of "negative education" is not for the good of children, so there are inevitably some educational problems in this educational concept.
Because this educational concept is denying children, and who likes to be denied by others? Children don't like being denied, how to cooperate with their parents and listen to their parents? Therefore, rebellious confrontation has become the necessity of "negative education."
Now do you understand why children in many families like to rebel? It is not the children who have problems, but the educational concepts adopted by parents that will inevitably lead to such problems.
So what should we do?
The only way is to give up "negative education" centered on parents and adopt "positive education" centered on children.
When we take children as the center, we can look at children's problems from the perspective of empathy, so that we can better understand children and of course solve problems better.
Take children's hard work as an example. If "negative education" is used, simply criticize children for studying hard and let them solve their own problems. In this process, parents didn't provide much help, just preaching and criticizing their children. This kind of criticism will only make children feel lazy and incompetent. Even if they try hard, they can't meet their parents' requirements (after all, it's easier said than done), so in the end they are completely desperate, feel that they can't do it, and completely collapse, and don't want to solve the problem of drooling anymore, because it's useless to try hard.
However, if parents adopt the concept of "active parenting", they can look at the problem of children studying hard from the perspective of empathy, realize that children may not have the concept of time, and then teach children to know time and help them make a little progress. Give positive affirmation and praise to every progress of children. Then the child can feel the growth of his own ability and realize that he is capable, then the child will strive to do better.
Parents can look at the various parenting skills they have learned. Are all based on the child-centered educational concept, asking for more understanding and praise for children?
It's just that parents have never realized their educational ideas, and always try to adopt the skills of "positive education" under the concept of "negative education". Of course it doesn't matter, and they always think it's useless to study.
Therefore, if parents want to completely change their children's rebellious disobedience, parenting skills are not the key. The key is to change your basic education concept and adopt "positive parenting". As long as parents understand the concept of "active parenting", they will naturally adopt corresponding educational methods and skills.
I have published the specific ideas, methods and skills of "positive parenting" under my "positive parenting" column and the official WeChat account of the same name. Interested parties can have a look.