A sense of security is the lowest and most basic need of people.

For children aged 0-3, the core development goal is to build a sense of security and trust in the world around them, especially among the closest caregivers.

Believe that you are seen and loved.

I believe that the surrounding environment is safe and can survive, and my life is not threatened.

I believe my needs can be met.

Because at this time, the child is too weak to even take a bite, and all his actions can only be done by others. A child can survive if he has a reliable nurturer who is as reliable as a part of his own body.

For children at this stage, the sense of security is not a simple psychological feeling, but a matter of life and death.

At this time, his dearest mother, one of the few people he can rely on in the world, suddenly turned off the phone in the house with the lights turned off and refused to open the door and cried, which was almost a psychological trauma.

? Where does the child know that this is the mother educating herself and establishing rules? Only education with transparent and consistent information can be effective. At this stage, children's ability to interpret information is completely unable to connect "being locked in a dark room" and "eating well", two things that seem completely unwilling to be closed!

Even if mom says that you are locked up so that you can learn to eat, he may not understand, and mom hasn't said it yet.

In his mind, closing the darkroom means closing the darkroom, which is terrible and abandoned, but mother doesn't love herself, which is very dangerous.

When educating young children, parents' thoughts, expectations, wrong reasons and correct practices should be clearly explained to children, and children should not be allowed to "experience" and "guess" themselves.

The child can't guess at all

Children will continue to be nervous because they don't know when and why their parents will get angry. In his feelings, parents will become uncertain and unreliable, which will seriously affect the parent-child relationship.

The punishment in the form of intimidation has never really achieved the educational effect, but only temporarily let children suppress their own needs because of fear, and these repression will be manifested in another form sooner or later. The essence of darkroom is to create fear, and to restrain wrong behavior through fear, which is actually the same as beating and scolding children for using violence.

Only when people understand the correct behavior and agree that it is beneficial to them will they be willing to do so. What seems right because of fear is only to suppress negative emotions and inner real desires.

There are two sets of information processing systems in the human brain.

Primitive system based on instinct: when people are in danger, they immediately feel nervous, alert, blood flow accelerates and escape-these stress reactions are all systems based on working rational brain; People have gradually developed a system based on rationality and speculation, which can carry out higher-order thinking activities such as calculation, analysis, synthesis and introspection. Children's learning and growth is more the development of system 2. When people are afraid, their brains will automatically switch to System 1, and System 2 will be closed, so they can't think rationally, can't remember any knowledge and can't understand their parents' admonitions. This is why children sometimes become "more and more stupid".

Being in fear and emotional stress for a long time, children who grow up like this may become unhealthy psychologically, not to mention their thinking can be well developed. Those pent-up and pent-up potential needs will never be correctly expressed, and will be expressed in other unhealthy ways in the future, such as smoking, drinking, gambling, obsessive-compulsive disorder and so on.

It is difficult to really improve the wrong behavior before finding the reason. If bad behavior cannot be eliminated by "suppression", how can discipline be enforced? Don't let the children throw things around or eat!

Yes, we all want to establish good living habits for our children, but I always feel that many parents have very low tolerance for some so-called "bad behaviors" or "emotional venting methods" of their children. As soon as the child cried, our first reaction was: Why did he make such a noise again? I have to make him stop crying.

But for young children, crying, throwing things, losing your temper and so on. They are all expressions of emotional demands and complaints.

The root of solving all problems is to find the reason, otherwise our behavior may be in the opposite direction.

Why do children throw things? Is it physical discomfort? Still don't like this thing? Even just don't like the color? Why doesn't the child eat? Aren't you hungry? Don't like this food? Don't like the plates on the table? The tablecloth is not arranged neatly? The spoon is not his usual kind? These trivial things in the eyes of adults may be a big trouble for children.

The "silent" education method mentioned by experts does not mean "closing the darkroom". Some experts mentioned that when a child makes a mistake, he can stay alone in a room and keep silent. I agree with this form of education, but parents should not misinterpret it.

All kinds of educational methods for children should be practiced rationally and gently.

The purpose of a child's silence is to calm him down, and he has the ability to listen to his parents calmly and treat his behavior calmly. In this process, parents always need to respond in time when he needs to communicate, because our ultimate goal is to have a good dialogue with the child, urge him to express his demands and adjust his behavior, instead of letting the child turn a blind eye.

Finally, our parents should remember one sentence: at no time should we punish our children coldly.