Thinking about setting a boundary for children (1) "The meaning of life is not to escape suffering, but to learn how to benefit from suffering. Children who learn to escape pain from childhood will experience double pain when they grow up ... These problems all come from the pain of escaping from temporary struggle, self-discipline and delaying enjoyment. If we learn to lose what we need immediately, feel sorry for what we can't achieve immediately, and then adapt to the realistic requirements put forward by difficulties, joy and success will follow. " Such words have always appeared in life. It really appeared in the book this time. Author Claude, American.
As we all know, our children can only grow up by suffering. I've seen a story about a rich man pretending to be poor and letting his children grow up, a story about children living independently, a scene in a deformation meter … I've seen it countless times, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Newborns are born every day in the world, and young people become novice parents every day. How to raise children and how to educate them may be to order one or two books on demand. The book "Setting boundaries for children" may help a little.
It takes a lot for children to grow up from natural persons to social persons. It is said that we like a responsible person, but we can turn a blind eye to our children. No matter what children do, many people will take an indifferent attitude, which is just connivance. A child, a complete individual, must understand the rules of living in this world and learn to take responsibility, just as the first article in the book explains-"Why do children need boundaries", which describes what mature children with boundaries look like; It also describes what kind of behavior parents with boundaries will have and related things. Essentially, the best multi-faceted explanation has been made.
Maybe the theoretical things are too empty to be realized, so examples are listed at the back of the book. As a psychologist, Claude tells us how to implement it successfully and perfectly with the most real examples.
Life is irreversible. If you want to give your child the best, the material is the worst. Spiritual pillar is the wealth of a child's life. Every friend, please put down your electronic products and accompany your children to build the best character.
Reflections on "Setting a Boundary for Children" (2) I finally finished reading "Setting a Boundary for Children" a few days ago. However, what I said below happened before I finished reading it. So, sometimes I think the greatest use of a good book is not how much it teaches us, but what it inspires us!
As mentioned in a blog post, SIVON and I made a computer agreement, and the computer time on Saturday and Sunday was as long as 2. 53 hours, when everyone agreed that the computer time was too long. So, what about realization? I'm afraid it will surprise you-he almost never has enough playing time. Except for the first Saturday and Sunday, he took the time to enjoy his rights, and then he seemed to forget it himself. So, I realized that what they asked for was not every minute, nor what they had to play. What they may want is to prove their independence and autonomy to adults.
Of course, it also made me feel the meaning of "boundary" for the first time. The reason why it is a boundary is to delimit the greatest degree of freedom. Its range is definitely larger than the normal range. Near the standard value, he can rely on the good side or go to the bad side until he feels that he can't walk. This may also be the true meaning of the ancestor's "no rules, no Fiona Fang"? In the past, I always felt that the rules set too many frames and restricted people's free development, so I scoffed at this ancestral training. Now that I think about it, isn't the square circle drawn regularly a round line? If there is any problem, it is estimated that Fiona Fang's paintings are not big enough or too big.
In this matter, I seem to understand the true meaning of setting boundaries-are boundaries for children? SIVON last used his computer on May Day. Maybe it's because he hasn't played computer games so crazy for a while. Seeing him playing computer games that day, I began to feel crazy again. I didn't give him any good looks except going in and out, and finally I couldn't help nagging. So Sion argued that "my time is up again" and counted them one by one to prove that he really had the last "half hour". At that moment, I understood that the boundary was not designed for children, but also for us. This is clearly a boundary that we are qualified to be angry and nag! !
If the "computer incident" is a good start, it is time to taste how he rebelled against the boundaries. Last time I made an allowance plan, I gave him two "voluntary housework" that can't be counted as money and must be completed-cleaning the table and taking out the garbage after dinner. The original idea was practical. In his future home, if he can take the initiative to clear the table and then take out the garbage after his wife clears the dishes on the table, how sweet this division of labor will be! SIVON boy may have focused on the distribution of money from the beginning and did not object. He washed dishes and wiped the table that day. When I asked him to take out the garbage, he refused very firmly. I can only avoid its sharpness and secretly figure out what to do. Does he really dislike it or is he testing the bottom line?
At 2 1 pm that night, I think he didn't move, so he took out the garbage himself. I didn't expect him to follow like a follower. When told that he was not qualified to do housework to earn money, he said, "Why didn't you tell me first? Maybe I changed my mind." Hey, hey, there is no shop after this village! The next day, I also resolutely refused his request to cook and wash dishes. That day, he consciously wiped the table and took out the garbage. Of course, he made a fortune the next day.
I thought I won the "war", but I didn't know he refused to take out the garbage after making money! I threatened him that "the first offense is only one day, and the second offense is not that cheap", but he kept saying that he would never take out the garbage even if he had no money to earn. Now it's my turn to be confused! I told myself to calmly analyze: maybe he really doesn't like this job; Maybe it's really difficult for him to wash dishes, clean tables and take out the garbage. I asked myself what I wanted him to do housework for. I just want to cultivate his sense of responsibility! The end result, as you expected, is that we changed "taking out the garbage" to "taking out the newspaper". To this end, every day's news has become old news.
It was his rebellion that succeeded. Others try to go back to the past. SIVON practices calligraphy at school this semester, and finishes school for one hour every day. One day, he began to whisper, "I don't want to practice writing." It was obviously my classmate who provoked me, but the teacher only criticized me ... "Two days later, he really came back 20 minutes earlier than usual and said timidly," I didn't practice my handwriting ... ". I was lost for a while, but I quickly said to him calmly and firmly, "put down your schoolbag and come with me!" " ""where to? " "I send you back to practice calligraphy! "I answered while changing my shoes." Don't send it, I'll just go back by myself! "Ha ha ~ ~ ~
After May Day, the time for practicing calligraphy was pushed back by one hour, and it was almost 18 o'clock when I got home. Actually, I'm also worried about whether he will be hungry. Can he persist? But he never mentioned it. Perhaps this is what we must adhere to and the best inspection standard that we should revise!
The plasticity of children is far beyond our imagination. Whether we set boundaries with words or we express them with practical actions, their awareness of observing boundaries sometimes even makes us feel ashamed. During the May Day holiday, SIVON went to grandma's house for two days, and had another "abnormal income". Climbing the mountain on the day he came back exhausted him, and he didn't mention money that night. In the evening, I really want to ask his grandmother if she gave him money. Finally, I even rummaged through the clothes he changed in the shower. He really has 100 yuan in his trouser pocket. For a moment, I wanted to take this money and tell him that he forgot to take it out of his pocket when he changed his clothes. It was just a momentary thought. I believe he is just too tired to remember the money. Indeed, the next morning, he sent me the money before I opened my eyes. Of course, I didn't delay. I gave him 20 yuan in time to deposit in the piggy bank, and promised to help him deposit 80 yuan in the bank that day. What a good mother, what a good child, what a harmonious day!
Thinking about setting boundaries for children (3) This is a very good book, with easy-to-understand language and cases from life. I didn't want to write my own thoughts after reading it, but I thought about it later. I can encourage myself when I look back later, or I can find something for myself. This book focuses on the topic and solves the problem of "boundary", not only for children, but also for parents. And I finished reading this book in two roles.
This book begins with the question of why we should set boundaries for children. There is a passage in this question: from Adam and Eve, the ancestor of mankind, people refused to be the masters of their own lives and refused to take responsibility. The task of parents is to help children develop the sense of responsibility, self-control and autonomy that the outside world needs from the heart. It is not easy for you to set boundaries with your children and stick to them, but it will be very effective if you cooperate with the right elements.
Why does the second problem children need boundaries? This is my understanding. As parents, we should help create a child's future and establish her proper character. This character can be simply summarized as caring, responsible, self-reliant, aware of reality, able to grow, willing to be honest and move towards Excellence. In this process, our parents have three main functions:
1, guardianship (internal and external hazards)
2. Management (heteronomy)
3. Resources (own resources, children's resources, peripheral resources).
At the same time, we need to master three methods: teaching, setting an example, and helping children turn boundaries into their own.
To sum it up in one word, that is "love". Today, we have two forces, the first is the environment in which we live, and the second is our response to the environment. Every problem children didn't appear out of thin air. Generally, behind such children are the problems of living environment and parents.
In the process of setting boundaries for children, one obstacle is that we are afraid that once we say "no" to our children, we will lose the love I need from them? This is especially true for grandparents. Here I read a sentence in the book: when love is complete, fear is eliminated. This sentence echoes a sentence in Dialogue with God (there are only two motives for human behavior, either out of love or out of fear). Therefore, parents are required to stick to their own boundaries, train and cultivate their children's boundaries, and turn them into inner boundaries.
The following are ten rules that children need to know, namely, the law of cause and effect, the law of responsibility, the law of ability, the law of respect, the law of encouragement, the law of evaluation, the law of positivity, the law of jealousy, the law of initiative and the law of disclosure. Let me briefly summarize it through my own understanding.
Law of Causality: Let children make their own choices, make them responsible, bear the corresponding consequences, and learn to love forever. Let children grow up slowly, not asking life to meet our requirements, but starting to meet the requirements of life.
Law of responsibility: Let children be responsible for their own lives, desires, emotions, attitudes and problems. They need to know that their problems are their own, not others'. Their life and work are wheelbarrows, so don't expect others to help him pull them. At the same time, parents must also let their children know your weaknesses and failures, because this is not the perfect way for them to learn from adults.
Law of ability: This is a law of degree. Let the child finish what he has the ability to do, and let him admit and adapt to his own lack of ability. In this process, our parents should observe patiently and wait for the desperate children to come for help. I know it's not easy, and any caring parent will be heartbroken, but it's the only way to let children know that they need support and care. Tables on pages 94-95 in the reference book.
The law of respect: let the child not hurt others, respect the unspeakable rights of others, respect the general restrictions, and accept that others are separated from him. When the boundaries of others prevent him from getting what he wants, he will be sad, but he will not be angry. The case of Billy the boy in the book P 105. When we look at the case, we should feel the tone of the author's handling of things. From the child's point of view, we must first understand and sympathize with the child's pain. . . . . Regret, and finally stick to your boundaries. P111-12 This case shows that everything a child does is only for two things to change the reality and make his parents feel his pain. Finally, I understand a rule: the world is not only theirs, they must share it with others.
Law of motivation: Parents should not only help their children develop the ability to be masters of their own behavior, but also help them do the right thing for the right reasons, not because they are afraid of punishment. There are four stages of motivation. See table P 127. Parents should give their children such information. I love you, but you chose something bad for you to help him see his behavior problems, not an out-of-control elder.
Evaluation method: the first lesson of parenting and life is "growth includes pain"; The second lesson is that "not all pain will lead to growth". Don't let your child's pain control your actions. Let your children see that life is not to escape pain, but to form an alliance with beautiful pain. P147-148 shows the performance of people who escape from pain and those who accept pain in different situations.
Positive method: we should establish a correct resistance boundary, actively deal with the boundary and master the skills. P153 ——155 Derek's example. The sign of spiritual and emotional maturity lies in our ability to make decisions according to our own values, which is used as an indicator in many decisions in our lives. Emotional control: Like Derek, I did badly, so I focused on myself. The last paragraph of P 167 and p168-169 cultivate the skills of actively coping with the boundary.
Law of jealousy: jealousy is the saddest aspect, that is, jealous people always feel empty, nothing is good enough, and nothing can satisfy them. Jealousy and gratitude are two kinds of mentality, which have little to do with what a person really gets, but have more to do with his personality, so that children can move towards the realm of knowing gratitude! Children need two important things from their parents: satisfaction and frustration. Be grateful (I also want to focus on smoking by myself)
Active method: do what you can, and then actively look for what you lack to help yourself complete yourself. Learn what is proper behavior from failure and consequences, realize that his problems and needs must be solved by himself, and cultivate the ability of self-control and control of his life.
Rule of openness: communicate directly with local people and be completely open about anything that happens in the relationship. P205—206 case, which echoes the law of motivation. Am I really nice to others? Or out of hatred. So our parents must set an example for their children to learn. When you are angry and have conflicts with them, you should tell them in a loving, frank and direct way.
After talking about the above ten laws, the next step is to set boundaries with children, because children not only need parents who can talk about boundaries, but also need their own parents who are boundaries (knowing and doing are one, and doing is greater than knowing). It is divided into six steps.
Step 1: See three facts:
1, your child is not perfect, he really has a problem, and this fact may be manifested in very small things.
2, understand the real problem under the surface, P224 table example, see the example is easier to understand.
3, time is not omnipotent (escape useless), this point should be explained, that is, don't think that children now have boundary problems, just grow up. As far as I know, many parents think so. I can only say that this problem will always exist unless you fix it.
Step 2: Power yourself up and help others.
Step 3: Parents themselves must now grow up within the boundaries. P227 example
Step 4: Evaluate your child's situation and your resources and make a plan to deal with the problem. P228-23 1 Personally, I suggest reading it carefully.
Step 5: Put forward a plan to let children participate in this process and implement it effectively.
Step 6: Be consistent (very important)
The above is the general content of this book. When I finished reading this book, every scene and every case in the book was similar to what I experienced. The problems reflected in me are all mentioned in the book, but obviously I am lucky. I saw this book, let it spur me and let me grow up well. Fortunately, there are many relatives and friends around me who guide me to grow up, care about me and love me. I want to strongly recommend the book "Setting boundaries for children" to those who need help and are willing to change and implement this book. I hope everyone will encourage each other and make progress together.
After reading this book, I also know that I need to improve too much. I highlighted them in the above article, hoping that when I look back, I can confidently say that I did it. At the same time, I am also worried, because my thinking and logic are really flattering. I'm 30 years old, and I still have a long way to go.
Here also give yourself a promise, down-to-earth, start from scratch and grow slowly. First of all, we should control our emotions. Don't be easily controlled by emotions, accept all kinds of judgments and wooing. Let your heart be empty. Old Mr. Fu Peirong once said that if your heart is empty, then a little light will fill every corner of your heart.