The myth of marriage counseling q I have a good sister who can pour out her heart. Why do you want to go to a marriage counseling psychologist? Psychologist Peng Xinyi thinks that self-help groups are good behaviors, but it depends on the members and nature of the groups. If you just vent your emotions or complain about each other's dissatisfaction with marriage and family life, you may get social support and psychological relief in the "short term", but the real family or marriage problems will not change.
Professional marriage counseling will avoid "double relationship"
Li Yueting, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling and Counseling at Tainan University, pointed out that strictly speaking, even if you consult a "friend of a friend", you must consider the special circumstances, and you must inform the dual relationship of the case in advance before proceeding.
Q: If you don't want to talk about marriage with anyone, look for an inspirational book? Psychologist Peng Xinyi pointed out that part of this book is indirect self-growth, and its effect may reach some kind of reminder. However, the understanding of the text, compared with one's own marriage and family life, is inevitably prone to some projection and misinterpretation. Therefore, she suggested that the best way is "two-pronged approach", through professional interviews and bibliographic therapy.
Other misunderstandings about marriage counseling;
Psychologist Peng Xinyi shared with us.
(1) Don't wash your dirty linen in public, for fear of others' jokes or comments.
(2) I have no problem, it's his problem.
(3) Do your own thing, time can dilute everything, and outsiders can't solve it.
Psychologists are not equal to "peacemakers". Psychologist Peng Xinyi said that the steps and procedures of counseling depend on different cases. Psychologists will evaluate the problems between husband and wife before deciding whether to consult alone or together. But whether we are together or apart, we must first discuss with the cases and get their consent.
If we decide to consult and interview separately, psychologist Peng Xinyi himself usually doesn't meet his wife first, and then his husband. On the contrary, she prefers to let her husband or wife talk to another psychologist. This is to prevent the psychologist from falling into the role of "peacemaker" or "triangle", and sometimes even make the case feel distrustful or afraid to say what he really wants to say (for fear that the psychologist will tell his partner what he once said when consulting with his partner). )
Teacher q won't go to the consultation with me? Teacher Li Yueting pointed out that the training of professional psychological counselors is not to "convince" others, and psychological counselors can't convince unwilling people, let alone teach their wives to "convince" their husbands.
Marriage counseling VS personal counseling
The ability and training of psychologists are different.
Teacher Li Yueting said that when there are two people in front of the psychologist at the same time, the psychologist must have the ability to interact with both sides, and individual consultation is a one-on-one answer. However, in marriage counseling, psychologists must be able to ask questions to one party without ignoring the other; When interacting with one party, you can also let the other party participate in the interview, otherwise one party may be answering, and the other party may think that the psychologist is not asking himself now, that is the other party's answer, and he is absent-minded.
In addition, if it is personal counseling, psychologists need to observe the immediate case, but in marriage counseling, psychologists should not only observe both husband and wife, but also observe their interaction. As for the time, generally speaking, in Taiwan Province Province, the time for personal counseling is about 50 minutes, while that for marriage counseling is 1.5 hours.
Q if there is a situation in marriage, can you choose not to do marriage counseling and do personal counseling? Psychologist Peng Xinyi said that this is basically possible, but the curative effect still depends on family culture and limitations. If the whole family is compared to a "system", the individual is like a screw. If one screw is loosened, the whole system may be changed, but it will take a long time to figure out the problem. The book * * 99 Tips for a Happy Marriage mentions that individual counseling may not be able to restore your love for your husband, but the therapist can help you clear your emotions, recognize the facts, help you find a suitable way to discuss with your husband, and let you gradually generate strength and make the decision you really want to make, whether it is to leave or rekindle your love for your husband.
Chinese and western issues are very different?
Consultation: Li Yueting finishing: Ao Tinglun
Premarital counseling
Financial part
United States of America
Taiwan Province Province, China
The counselor will first ask two people what to do with their married money. The usual way to deal with it is to open a * * * account after marriage, and set aside a certain amount of money to meet the needs of the family, or set aside a certain proportion of their own salary to the * * * account to support their families. These can all be discussed.
Oriental spouses will avoid talking about money, thinking that talking about money hurts their feelings, or they are embarrassed. Intuitively, they think that the other party should think the same way as me and there is no need to discuss it. In addition, the eastern culture will discuss "making money after marriage and giving money to parents" as a topic, but in the United States, they have no such idea at all, and they don't think they should do it, because in their culture, they are married and economically independent, and there is no so-called "filial piety" culture and concept, so there is no such topic in premarital counseling.
The problem of marriage counseling
Complex, but not profound.
Deep and simple
Because of the high divorce rate and many reorganized families (for example, children in the same family come from different fathers), psychological counselors must spend more time to understand the whole family relationship. For example, going to the supermarket to buy toys together may cause problems. A children can buy toys, but B children can't, because when their parents divorced, the two children talked about legal restrictions and money use conditions, which were completely different.
A child's biological father provided the money, but B child didn't. Now, although A and B are brothers and sisters and live in the same family, their financial problems are different!
How long have the problems mentioned by the two people existed? Most of them have answered for fifteen or ten years, and the problems between husband and wife have accumulated for so long before they begin to seek help, often hoping to find a solution within a few minutes or hours.
Do I need marriage counseling? Q couples get along well, so you don't have to go to marriage counseling? "* * * * Left, Love Right, 99 Tips for a Happy Marriage" mentioned that if couples can go to marriage counseling together, they can turn their inner crisis into a turning point. It doesn't mean that couples don't have to go to marriage counseling if they get along well. The marriage strengthening plan is also one of the important consultation projects, aiming at making the marriage better and lasting for a long time.
How to understand the quality of marriage Teacher Li Yueting said that you can try to ask yourself, "Thank each other's heart" is still there? Or have you taken many things for granted? In many speeches, many wives also asked the teacher, "Why is my husband chasing me completely different from now?" ? "The teacher will ask," Are you different? Most wives feel that they haven't changed at all. However, teacher Li Yueting said that their wives are actually different, but they may not have noticed it. Her watery eyes to her husband are gone now.
Psychologist Peng Xinyi suggested that you can try marriage counseling if:
(1) Long-term stalemate or disharmony between husband and wife.
(2) there is a situation that endangers life safety.
(3) improper words and deeds or affect family life.
Free consultation resources
Teacher Yang shared with us, so we might as well try the free consultation institutions in the market first, such as the family education center and teacher Zhang's online consultation service. Psychologist Peng Xinyi mentioned that Taipei Lifeline Network Consulting Service and Guanyin Line Association were also involved. However, because the network is more limited than the interview, it may also affect the effect (everyone's situation is different).
Marriage counseling fee
There is a quotation about paid consultation. Teacher Yang pointed out that there is no law to regulate fees at present, so there is no open standard. Also remind everyone that counseling is similar to falling in love. Not everyone may meet the right partner (consultant). If they feel inappropriate, they have the right to choose to change consultants. As for the treatment time of marriage counseling, it depends on the situation of each case. Psychologist Peng Xinyi said that the price of paid consultation for an interview is about 800 ~ 4,000 yuan. Admittedly, considering the psychological doctor's own senior level, popularity and other factors, there are different charging standards, but don't equate charging with professional quality. Everything depends on the initiative and positive degree of the case itself.
Tips for a Happy Marriage 1 min Write 20 ways to relieve emotions. Teacher Li Yueting suggested that couples can practice at ordinary times. 1 min, write down 20 ways to relieve your emotions and communicate with each other. Most people may think that 1 minute is too short when they hear 20. How can they write 20?
First of all, there must be more than one way to deal with emotions. Secondly, if you are emotionally stable, you can't think of 20 ways to deal with low tide. When you are in a bad mood, what most people do is usually their most "accustomed" way, but it is not necessarily a good way (such as shopping by credit card, drinking, etc.). ). After emotional therapy, the result is even worse.
But, most importantly, through this little game, you can know more about what the other half needs most when they are depressed. Interestingly, maybe you will find that the other person's favorite method is different from what you think!
The relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family. Finally, Teacher Li Yueting emphasized that "husband-wife relationship" is actually the core of every family. If the relationship between husband and wife is good, common marriage counseling problems include affair, getting along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and parenting concepts. , won't come to trouble!
Peng Xinyi
Present post: Psychologist, Joint Psychological Counseling Institute.
Education: Ph.D., Department of Psychology, Fu Jen Catholic University, Master's degree, Institute of Psychological Counseling, Cultural University.
Experience: Psychological counselor of New North Women's Exhibition Association, employment consultant of New North Employment Service Station.
Yang
Present position: Director and Associate Professor of Institute of Educational Psychology and Consultation, Tamkang University.
Specialty: manual work, staff consultation, occupational health psychology, group motivation, psychological drama.
Li yueting
Present post: Assistant Professor, Department of Counseling and Counseling, National Tainan University.
Education: Doctor of Family Therapy, Texas Women's University, USA
Experience: Member of the Family Mediation Committee of Tainan District Court, director of Taiwan Province Marriage and Family Counseling Association, and executive director of Taiwan Province Game Therapy Association.