After that, no matter what you say or do, Ta will be indifferent, and some people will feel disheartened and hopeless because of the ruthlessness of the other party.
Is a seemingly indifferent partner really irreparable?
0 1 Xiaowen and her husband have been married for eight years. Half a year ago, her husband filed for divorce because she thought Xiaowen didn't care about his feelings.
Xiaowen is a real estate manager. She is usually busy at work. Her husband is a teacher, so time is relatively easy. Besides, there are winter and summer vacations, and the responsibility of taking care of the family and children falls more on the husband. But this has become a matter of course in Xiaowen's eyes. In Xiaowen's words, it is "Who doesn't take care of him?"
Xiaowen attaches great importance to the cultivation of children's interests and abilities and has reported many interest classes to her children. When she put a publicity page into her husband's hand, he said, "Aren't you afraid that your child will be tired?" Xiaowen will go back soon. "You are tired of picking up and dropping off, but you are still a teacher and don't care at all!"
The husband was very angry. He thought, "I have worked very hard. I'm just giving an opinion. Do you still think I'm lazy or dissatisfied? " But he felt that quarreling with his wife would be endless, and her wife would not understand herself, so he didn't say any more.
Xiaowen likes to buy a house and invest. The house she lives in now is the third one she has changed. She took a fancy to this house because it was close to her workplace and her parents' home, so she told her husband and settled down.
Husband thinks Xiaowen doesn't care about his own ideas and doesn't respect himself. She was angry, but she thought it was a foregone conclusion. It was no use talking, so she sulked and didn't object.
Half a year ago, my husband told Xiaowen that the school arranged for him to go to other places for training 10 days. Can he ask his mother-in-law to take care of the children? Xiaowen said, "My father can't come because of his bad leg. My mother wants to run on both sides alone, so let your mother take care of it! " The husband said, "It's too far from my home. Didn't you buy this house because it is close to your home? Just use it, you don't have to run on both sides. "
Hearing this, Xiaowen dared to look for Monday morning quarterback. She retorted, "If you want to go to training, you can arrange it. Don't go if you can't arrange it. What can I do after training? How much more can you earn than now? " Husband feels that his ability and career have been denied, but based on the current things, he didn't quarrel with her, just picked up his mother to take care of the children.
After seeing my mother off from a business trip, I calmly and decisively said to Xiaowen, "Let's get a divorce. I have put up with you for a long time. I really can't stand it. I have been on a business trip for a while, which is good for both of us. "
Xiaowen disagreed, and both parents have been trying to make peace, trying to calm them down before talking, but the husband's heart is going to leave after his death, no matter how hard he tries.
During this time, Xiaowen has always shown kindness to her husband: be caring and attentive to her husband every day; Prepare meals for him; I also want to talk to my husband about reconciliation.
However, her husband's attitude has not changed, but he hates her more. She goes out early and comes back late every day, and when she gets home, she sleeps in separate rooms. Xiaowen has been in cold violence and is in a dilemma.
At this point, both of them are in a state of suffering. The man has given up this relationship and has no expectations for Xiaowen, but he can't divorce. Xiaowen also feels powerless and does nothing right.
Can their relationship continue?
If you want to continue this relationship, you need to know how this relationship is getting colder step by step, how the other person's feelings are overdrawn a little, and how the emotional link between the two sides is broken step by step, so that you can make really effective behavior.
Let's look at Xiaowen's marriage. At first, the responsibilities of the family, including taking care of the children and supporting the elderly, were biased towards the husband. Xiaowen is more cooperative, only paying, not contributing. She also fully accepted her husband's efforts and took it for granted.
Xiaowen didn't realize these problems. She is used to thinking from her own point of view, ignoring each other's thoughts and feelings. For example, she thinks it is natural for her husband to take care of the children. Just buy a house and make your own decisions. Expressing her needs when she is emotional will also attack and hurt each other.
Xiaowen always thinks that her husband is spoiling her, so she will force her husband to do something. If her husband doesn't do this, she will be angry. She feels that the other person doesn't love her and doesn't care about her, so she forces him to do it, but she will be unhappy when she sees her husband unwilling to do it.
Therefore, as long as she refuses at first, Xiaowen will be unhappy whether her husband does it or not. In the face of Xiaowen, my husband felt that it was useless to say it. The other party doesn't understand and respect their own ideas at all. Everything he does is wrong, and he will feel unhappy and hurt.
But I don't want to have a conflict with Xiaowen, so I don't talk, and I don't let Xiaowen know how unhappy I am and digest my emotions by myself.
But emotions will not be eliminated because of depression, but will accumulate more and more, turn into resentment, and the wound will get deeper and deeper.
We say that the relationship between the two sides is like an "emotional account", and the interaction between their emotions and behaviors is like savings in the account. If two people interact positively, their savings will be more and more, and if they interact maliciously, their savings will be less and less.
When the deposit in the account gradually decreases, if one party does not notice, and the other party does notice, it is injured, but there is no sound. When the overdraft is allowed to continue, the savings will be consumed to a certain extent. In order not to be hurt again, this kind of convenience will choose emotional withdrawal: I empty myself and want to fill you, but I find that I can't fill it all. I had strength before, but now I'm tired and want to give up.
When he begins to pull away from his feelings, the other party will realize that his savings have bottomed out, and their marriage has become a victim of this vicious interaction, and their relationship has gradually cooled down.
At this time, if you want this cold relationship to warm up again, you need to restart the cold process, make up for the lost feelings bit by bit, and reconnect the broken links.
But in the process of mending feelings, many people will feel that they have nothing to do, and slowly, they will be discouraged.
Marriage recovery is a systematic project, and the process of repair and running-in is certainly not simple. Many people feel that their practice is invalid, which may be due to the following two reasons:
First, the direction is wrong.
The process of recovery is like repairing a house. The pillars supporting the house have been eaten by insects, and the whole house is rickety. A tile fell here and a crack opened there. Seeing that the house was unstable, I began to add bricks and repaint the walls, but the pillars were still broken and the house was still rickety.
You will also feel powerless and feel that you have done so much and it has no effect. On the contrary, the house shook even more.
It's as if the other person has been deeply hurt inside, and emotional withdrawal has become a way for him to protect himself. At this time, you just try to be nice and pull him back, which is like adding bricks and tiles.
However, you still haven't seen his real needs and feelings. These behaviors will only make the other person feel that you ignore me and don't care about my feelings when I'm not gone. Now that I'm leaving, you have changed the way you think is right and good, but your behavior is only because you are afraid of divorce and losing this relationship. You still ignore me. If I go back, there will still be pain and consumption waiting for me, and I don't want to go back to that relationship.
Therefore, if you want to repair this crumbling house, you must first throw away those broken bricks, not that I only asked you to take care of the children at the beginning, but now I won't let you take them; At the beginning, you were responsible for everything at home, but now I don't want you to be responsible, just to pay attention to you and take care of your feelings.
Is to find the broken pillar: the husband feels that he has never been cared for, valued or seen. What the wife needs to do is to make the other person feel safe, understood and seen, so that the pillar can be repaired and the house can be gradually stabilized.
Second, there is no patience.
When you try to change yourself and re-establish emotional connection with the other person, the other person will definitely have emotional reactions, such as denial and blow. At this time, you should have a consciousness: there is a process of emotional withdrawal, and there will also be a process of emotional return.
To really repair the relationship between two people, it is not an easy thing to go through this process step by step. Just like all kinds of seeds, we need to pull out the seeds of past vicious interaction and plant a seed of benign interaction.
But before planting, you need to do many preparatory steps, such as digging the ground and preparing nutrients. After planting, it needs watering, fertilization and sunshine.
Many people will be impatient and anxious in this process. With a little effort, they want to see the effect, so they dig the seed out of the soil to see if it has sprouted. If they find it hasn't sprouted, they will bury it again, step on it and dig it out in two or three days. If they find that there is still no response, they will feel disheartened and wonder if the seeds will not germinate at all.
In fact, the truth is that even if the seeds have the possibility of germination, even if they are already slowly sprouting, if they are dug out of the soil again and again, they will eventually die slowly without a lasting and stable growth environment.
When planting flowers, you need to dig holes, water, fertilize and bask in the sun, and then wait patiently to see the flowers bloom. The same is true of the process of relationship repair. The preparation before repair is to repair the wounds in your past marriage and plant new seeds. When the wounds heal, you need to wait patiently until they blossom and bear fruit.
Sometimes, it's not that your practice is ineffective, nor that your partner is too cold and heartless, but that you made the wrong place when repairing, because you were anxious and impatient, and did a lot of useless work, pushing each other further and further.
In the process of repairing marriage, you need to take it step by step, grasp the key points, find the right direction, stick to it, and then wait patiently, and you will naturally get the results you want.
end
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