Marriage psychology is a psychological science that studies the laws of people's psychological activities in the process of love, marriage, divorce and remarriage. Marriage psychology is closely related to ethics, but it is different from ethics. This paper discusses the physiological and psychological basis of marriage and its changes from the psychological point of view, and expounds the psychological essence of love and its psychological characteristics of change and progress.
Marriage psychology is a young science. However, the change of marriage form and its psychological evolution have a long history. In Archaean times, animals ate and drank blood, and "blood relatives met". Anemarrhena asphodeloides did not know his father. About 6.5438+0.7 million years ago, people practiced the "blood marriage system", and the relationship between the sexes was only between peers, and brothers and sisters called each other husband and wife. It took thousands of years for human beings to discover the unhealthy sexual intercourse of their compatriots, so they implemented "group marriage". Sexual intercourse between two groups restricts sexual intercourse between brothers and sisters. Blood marriage and group marriage belong to polygamous marriage. "Paired marriage" is a transition from polygamous marriage to monogamous marriage (monogamy). Monogamy: Although it is the product of private ownership, it is a more reasonable and civilized form of marriage in modern times. Obviously, the concealment, intuition and exclusiveness of sex have become stronger.
Love is a prelude to marriage. Before you fall in love, you must be clear: what kind of opposite sex to pursue, what kind of love to choose, what to do if you are lovelorn, and how to stop falling in love. To start a relationship without thinking is to brew your own bitter wine.
There are three types of love pursuit:
(1) Spiritual satisfaction type. Refers to the satisfaction of ideals, beliefs, beliefs, career, taste, temperament and so on. Generally, there are higher requirements for the other party in these aspects, focusing on the pursuit of practical knowledge and talents, that is, the actual value of the other party, rather than blindly pursuing the position and status of the other party. So it is aristocratic pursuit. Mary pursued Hegel's erudition even though he was only a middle school teacher at that time. This is the pursuit of love spiritual satisfaction.
(2) Sensory satisfaction. This is a pursuit-oriented evaluation characterized by sensory satisfaction, that is, the evaluation of external beauty, which is a low-level evaluation. In love, it is more important to rely on rational evaluation, that is, the evaluation of inner beauty, that is, the evaluation of the ideals, sentiments and talents of the opposite sex. Lev tolstoy said: "People are cute not because they are beautiful, but because they are cute." This shows the value of spiritual beauty. If one-sided pursuit of external beauty, not only not long-term, but also cast a lifelong regret. Li Baiyou said in his poem: "In the past, hibiscus flowers gradually became grass, and others could treat them with color, so they could get a beautiful childhood!" This shows that people can't judge a book by its cover!
(3) utilitarian satisfaction. It is a pragmatic love based on the other's cousin, family property, status, reputation, occupation and easy to achieve personal goals. Some of them, the pursuit of love is more important than others, at the expense of buying and selling marriage; Others talk about vanity, simply pursuing each other's status and education, without paying attention to each other's actual value. Education, professional title and position can reflect a person's talent, but they cannot represent a person's real value. Tran Dang Khoa has no education, but he has become a famous writer in Anhui. Qi Baishi has no diploma, but his art is recognized by the world. On the contrary, many people graduated from Cambridge University or yenching university, but accomplished nothing.
Marriage is a legal affirmation of the matching between men and women. There are various types of marriage, which can be divided into three types according to the nature of marriage:
(1) structure type. This is a positive couple combination. One or both parties regard their career as very important and have a full life; Both sides scrimped and saved, and got rid of poverty and became rich with wisdom and sweat. Both sides spare no effort to honor their parents or educate their children.
(2) classification. It does not strive for the upper reaches of life, nor does it want to live in isolation. It is stable and peaceful, and only wants food and clothing.
(3) destructive type. This is a marriage that is harmful to social welfare or social order. Neighbors who are often noisy, fighting and uneasy; Both sides pursue eating, drinking and having fun, regardless of family, children and influence; Husband and wife embezzle, steal and gain rights and reputation.
According to the relationship between the two sides, it can be divided into two categories: harmonious and unbalanced.
(1) Harmonious couples can be compatible or complementary in temperament and personality (referring to the positive mosaic of differences in personality, taste and habits); They can understand and cooperate with each other in ability, adapt and coordinate with each other in interest, behave harmoniously and sing with their husbands.
(2) dysfunctional couples have unreasonable family status, inconsistent pace of life, incompatible temperament and personality, inconsistent ideals and emotions, and have changed in sex and love.
According to the intensity of marriage, it can be divided into:
(1) strongly typed. One or both parties have made great efforts to get married.
(2) external force type. This is a marriage arranged by external forces, such as arranged marriage, buying and selling marriage, changing relatives and so on.
(3) fixed. Marriage develops steadily after introduction or understanding by both parties.
Family is the cell of society. Couples should analyze their own marriage types, actively adjust, turn imbalance into harmony, and beautify life and society.
Marriage is the proper destination and sublimation of love, but there is no marriage without problems. The key is whether the problems in marriage can be solved. The process of getting married is the process of solving problems. There are several common ways to eliminate contradictions.
(1) totally understand. Indian poet Tagore said, "Love is another name for understanding." When there are contradictions after marriage, we should deeply understand each other's personality and understand each other's occupation and hobbies. If the other person is career-oriented, sloppy and informal, you should not be disgusted, but should be his/her assistant and backing. If the other person's level is not high, don't be disappointed, but help him/her improve and improve yourself at the same time.
(2) Clever adjustment of contradictions. The heterogeneity of husband and wife is absolute, both heterogeneous and contradictory, but clever adjustment can achieve complementarity. Marx and Yan Ni have great differences in personality and interests. For example, in the understanding of happiness, Marx wrote "struggle" and Yan Ni wrote "health"; For the column "What do you like to do", Marx is "reading" and Yan Ni is "sewing"; As far as aesthetics is concerned, Marx likes red and Yan Ni likes blue. However, their marriage is very happy.
(3) Take the initiative to prevent and eliminate contradictions. Commonly used methods are: communicating information, seeking understanding, checking one's own shortcomings and seeing one's own strengths; Be considerate and do good deeds for each other; Don't be sad, still making out.
(4) prevent the intensification of contradictions. This can take the following measures:
Silence-it is wise to keep silent when the other party loses his temper and then exchange views patiently after the other party loses his temper.
Avoid-when you see the other person arguing with other family members, you can't express your position, so you should immediately avoid it and criticize him or her afterwards to avoid more complicated contradictions.
Transfer-when the other person is angry, you should immediately think of ways to transfer, do your thing or chat with others.
Humor-this is a wonderful method that couples must master when they quarrel and have contradictions. It is said that Socrates, the great philosopher, is somewhat henpecked. Once, Socrates was talking to a guest when his wife came in and scolded her husband, throwing a bucket of water on his head. Socrates smiled and said to the guest, Look, look, I knew it would rain after thunder. "Not only get rid of embarrassment, but also avoid quarreling with his wife. This shows that a little humor is one of the good ways to deal with each other's anger.
(5) appropriately stimulate each other's passion for love. —The general method is as follows:
Association-recalling the past love affair with each other, being good at associating beautiful scenes from reality is an effective way to stimulate passion.
Hint-enjoy movies, TV and novels with * * *, attend dances or weddings with * * *, and stimulate impulses with warm and exciting scenes.
Teasing-and beautiful couples always spend their day in a happy atmosphere of intimate teasing, sarcasm and ridicule. Teasing adds life to love.
False impression-pretending to be angry, at a certain temperature, turning anger into laughter can make the other person smile through tears.
Parting-When conditions permit, a three-to-five-day parting can stimulate yearning for love, but it should not be an angry or boring parting.
In real life, divorce events emerge one after another, and the reasons are also very complicated. Only by understanding the real reasons and correctly distinguishing the types of divorce can we correctly decide the measures of separation or combination.
The root causes of divorce are summarized as follows:
(1) mental type. This is a type of divorce caused by disagreement and long-term conflict between the two sides.
Qiu Jin, a famous heroine in China's modern history, married the official's son, found that Wang shared the same interests with herself, tried every means to prevent her from studying in Japan and participating in revolutionary activities, and finally proposed to part ways.
Usually more divorces are spiritual. Therefore, we should strengthen understanding before marriage, understand each other after marriage, and don't care about trivial matters. If the gap between the two sides is large and it is difficult to live together, they can go their separate ways.
(2) frustration type. Types of divorce caused by major political, economic or physical setbacks after marriage. Really love each other, even if he (she) has any misfortune (except hopeless), he (she) will not have the idea of divorce.
Mathematician Hua suffered from typhoid fever and left a sequela-lameness. Wu never gave up, and took good care of him, so that he wrote his first mathematical paper "Why the solution of Su Jiaju's algebraic quintic equation could not be established" when he was 19 years old.
(3) Mutants. This refers to the active party of divorce, from disadvantage to advantage. Chen Shimei is a well-known typical variant. After winning the first prize, he broke off relations with his ex-wife Qin Xianglian and wanted to break off his wife and children, which was outrageous.
The initiative proposer of variant divorce should be condemned by social justice and public opinion, and at the same time, his personality and motivation characteristics should be psychologically reversed. If you resolutely don't look back, you will be punished.
(4) Sexy. This is a type of divorce because one party's sensory desire is not satisfied. Seeing that the other person is old, unattractive and disgusted, he filed for divorce.
The main method of prevention is to guide one party's paranoid sex into love and improve his or her sentiment. Li Dazhao, a revolutionary martyr, married a wife eight years older than him. She is an illiterate rural girl, but she respects each other like a guest, which shows the importance of noble sentiments.
(5) bossy. One party is overbearing, even destroying and abusing the other party, and the other party can't stand it, leading to divorce.
Psychotherapy should be given to bossy people, so that they can truly understand the seriousness of bossy and rude behavior. If you have no regrets, break up.
(6) Utilization type. This refers to the type of divorce caused by factors unrelated to love. If someone asks for a divorce because his wife has no boys, some divorce in order to transfer their jobs; Individuals even cheat the government and tease the law. This kind of "fake divorce" should be strongly resisted.
(7) Sacrificial type. Here refers to the sacrifice of initiative, from advantage to disadvantage, afraid of dragging the other side and filing for divorce, contrary to the variant. Comrade Deng was sterilized after suffering from tuberculosis during the Long March. For the sake of Comrade Zhou Enlai, she filed for divorce, apparently for a great sacrifice.
The above types of divorce are mostly mixed in real life. In a word, divorce should be allowed in accordance with the law for marriages whose feelings have really broken down and mediation is ineffective.
After the divorce, remarried men and women returned to the single age, so they should have the courage to start a new business and plan to remarry.
It is said that remarriage, like first marriage, should be psychologically satisfied by love, but secular prejudice often belittles remarriage, which is a remnant concept of feudalism. It would be a tragedy if the remarried person belittles himself; If the other person is remarried, it is selfish for you to belittle your personality. Although he is a remarried person, he has devoted unprecedented love to each other; The other party will also respect the remarried party and let the love develop and sublimate. This is the correct attitude. However, to achieve this state, we must have noble sentiments and moral values.
The famous poet Xu Zhimo divorced because of his disagreement with his ex-wife. Lu Xiaoman fell in love with him and they got married. Lu Xiaoman was considerate to this remarried man, which made the poet get unprecedented happiness and created many touching poems. It can be seen that emotional appeal and pursuit ignore the devaluation of remarriage.
However, in remarried families, psychological relapse and psychological control problems will be encountered at any time. Correctly treating these two psychological reactions is the key to the harmonious relationship between remarried couples.
The real life situation coincides with the previous marriage, which causes psychological reaction, that is, "psychological replay." It may be a sad memory, or it may be a malignant stimulus.
Remarried people may miss their ex-husbands (ex-wives) when they are close to their husbands (wives). At this time, you should love and trust your current husband (wife), and never show the sadness of missing your ex-husband (ex-wife), so as not to break the current intimate relationship.
The atmosphere can also prevent the other party from being jealous before chasing. If the other person is magnanimous and loves to respect his ex-husband, both parties may wish to miss him or her at the same time.
Sometimes when there is a conflict with the other party, the scene is as cool as before marriage, which will definitely bring you malignant stimulation. At this time, you should be calm, don't procrastinate, check your faults more, and realize that this is one of the fundamental reasons for the conflict or divorce with your ex-husband, so as to learn from the wrong behavior of the previous marriage and become gentle, so as to avoid the divorce due to maladjustment again.
Correctly treating psychological contrast refers to the psychological reaction formed by the attitude contrast with similar events before marriage when there is a benign conflict of closeness or inferiority with the other party in some events after remarriage.
Benign intimacy evokes the contrast of pre-marital disputes, which will make you cherish the reality more and increase your feelings for each other. The psychological contrast of harmonious life before marriage brought by bad sexual conflicts often makes you feel wronged and sorry. In fact, as long as you adapt to each other's personality characteristics and adjust patiently, you can completely avoid fierce conflicts. And he (she) is not as enthusiastic and easy-going as your ex-husband (ex-wife) in this respect, but on the other hand, he (she) may far exceed your ex-husband (ex-wife).
Generally speaking, the remarried party always wants the remarried party to be in a "tie blank" state with her ex-husband (ex-wife), that is, to sever all contact with her ex-husband (ex-wife). However, the interpersonal relationship is complex, and it is inevitable that the other party will have different degrees of communication with his ex-husband. As long as this kind of communication is beneficial to both family and society, it is beyond reproach. It is good for one party to show generosity.
Of course, generally speaking, the greater the geographical and psychological space with the ex-husband, the stronger the sense of security of the remarried family. Therefore, it is wise to lengthen the geographical space and isolate the psychological space as much as possible in order to achieve the "draw gap".
In short, for remarried families, it is very important for both sides to correctly handle psychological ties, trust and respect each other.