(Shandong) Pan Honggang of Guanxian No.1 Middle School
Writing theme
Read the following materials and write as required.
An old carpenter is retiring. The boss was reluctant to let him go, so he asked him if he could help build another house. The old carpenter agreed. But everyone can see later that his heart is no longer working. He uses soft materials and does rough work. After the house was built, the boss gave him the key to the gate.
"This is your house," said the boss. "My gift to you."
The old carpenter was dumbfounded. If he knew he was building a house for himself, how could he do it? Now he has to live in a humble house!
So are we? We "build" our lives at will, not actively, but passively. When we realized our situation, we were already trapped in the "house" we built.
Please write an article of not less than 800 words on the topic of "building your own house". It needs self-determination, self-selection style and self-formulation. Please do not copy, construct or plagiarize.
Student originality
Be your own architect
Xu Chunyan
"Whose life has not died since ancient times? Take care of history. " This is the clank oath that Wen Tianxiang left us. In the face of national peril, he stepped forward, but unfortunately he was detained while patrolling in the North Camp. He was unmoved by high officials and generous salaries, and he was not afraid of all kinds of torture. With the unyielding loyalty of "my heart is a magnet, not referring to the south", he built a loyal life building for himself. )
Yes! Life is like a skyscraper, like pavilions, some are resplendent, some are fragrant and elegant, and some are simple and simple ... The houses of life are different, but they all need to be built by themselves.
Houses are built brick by brick, and life is made up of many details, just like a trickle flowing into the sea. Some people say that Excellence cannot be cultivated because it is a habit. Thought determines behavior, behavior determines habit, and habit changes life. To be your own architect, you should grasp the details, grasp the present, find the extraordinary in the ordinary and create greatness in the ordinary. (From the perspective of "grasping the details", explain how to ".
Building your own house needs to be down-to-earth. Learning in adolescence is like laying a foundation and paving the way for your later life. Accidents are often accumulated by thousands of small loopholes. Be your own architect, don't rush for success, put down every brick and tile in a down-to-earth manner, and don't cut corners. When your house stands, you will find that a strong life can stand the wind and rain.
Madame Curie and her husband are obsessed with radium. They worked day and night. I don't know how many days it took them to finally extract one gram of pure radium from two tons of raw materials. It can also be said that it is because of this diligence that Madame Curie was able to discover radium and go down in history. It has been said that everything needs labor except sunshine and rain. Hard-working people may not succeed, but successful people will succeed. Failure after diligence is also a failure with a clear conscience and great. A lofty and majestic house of life cannot be separated from the irrigation of hard work and sweat. From the perspective of "diligence", explain how to "build your own house". )
"The best way to predict the future is to create it." Everyone has his best field. Try to find new things in every axiom and theorem, create your own life, make his house stand out among many houses, and luck will definitely come to your residence. This paper expounds how to "build your own house" from the perspective of "innovation", but the fly in the ointment is that the level discussed in this paragraph is not clear enough. )
Life will not be smooth sailing, and setbacks are inevitable. In the face of difficulties, don't be afraid to conquer them, let them add bricks to your house, not let them destroy the house you built; Facing glory, not being complacent, and then being modest and enterprising, let it paint your house with brighter colors instead of letting it collapse in success, which requires us to have an optimistic, positive and modest attitude. Positioning life with mentality is inseparable from mentality. This paper expounds how to "build your own house" from the perspective of "mentality". )
Be your own architect, take diligence as the brick, creativity as the tile, and build your own house of life with optimistic, positive and modest mud, so that we will not regret like old carpenters and have a wonderful life! Finally, it is a clever summary, echoing the title, the beginning, and then the point of view, not bad! )
Simulation score: basic level (content 17+ expression 15)+ development level 12 =44.
Author's self-evaluation
I think my article is closely related to the topic, focusing on "being your own architect" from many aspects, with clear views, echoing from beginning to end and comprehensive discussion angles, which should be regarded as a good article.
Classmate comments 1
I basically agree with what Xu Chunyan said. I think her article starts with the case of Wen Tianxiang to put forward her point of view. Then, it expounds from different angles; The ending is also ingenious, showing the rigor of the discussion structure, which should be regarded as a good article. But after careful consideration, I feel that there is still room for "thinking" in the article. For example, in addition to the examples of Wen Tianxiang and Madame Curie, we can give a few more examples to strengthen the discussion, and the examples need not be so detailed.
Peer review 2
I think this classmate's article is not clear enough at the discussion level. The author expounds how to "build your own house" from different angles, but the expression is not clear enough. If the argument of each paragraph can be clear and put at the beginning or end of the paragraph, thus forming a neat discussion structure, it will greatly increase the clarity of the article's thinking.
Teacher-student evaluation
Teacher: Xu Chunyan, you can write an article closely related to the topic, and discuss it in many aspects around your point of view. The language is also rich in literary talent and rigorous in structure. Generally speaking, it is a good article, but there is still room for improvement.
Student: Teacher, can you be more specific?
Teacher: First, you can be more concise about the case of Wen Tianxiang and Madame Curie. At the same time, add some cases, preferably three, to form a trend of putting facts and excluding facts, strengthen the strength of the article discussion, and highlight literary talent.
Health: What else?
Teacher: The second aspect is that, as the students said, when discussing "building your own house", you can clearly put forward arguments at the beginning or end of each paragraph, so that these paragraphs can form a "separate" parallel discussion structure. This will not only make the discussion clear, but also strengthen the discussion, thus increasing the depth of the discussion.
Student: Thank you for your guidance. I'll revise it again!
Upgrade combination
Be your own architect
Xu Chunyan
"Take a long breath, tears are hard to hide." Qu Yuan's concern for the country and people established his own house of fraternity.
"Oh, how can I bow and scrape to those who have high status and high positions? They will never tolerate others showing them a sincere face! " Li Bai built his own house of self-esteem;
"I recommend Xuanyuan with blood." Lu Xun persevered in building his house into a "people's army";
……
(Parallelism uses three examples to form a neat, symmetrical and imposing format, which not only enriches the content, but also has great momentum. )
Life is like skyscrapers and pavilions. Some are resplendent, some are fragrant and elegant, some are simple and simple, and the houses they live in are different, but they all need their own buildings.
To build your own house, you need to grasp the details. Houses are built brick by brick, and life is made up of many details, just like a trickle flowing into the sea. Some people say that Excellence cannot be cultivated because it is a habit. Thought determines behavior, behavior determines habit, and habit changes life. To be your own architect, you should grasp the details, grasp the present, find the extraordinary in the ordinary and create greatness in the ordinary.
Building your own house needs to be down-to-earth. Learning in adolescence is like laying a foundation and paving the way for your later life. Accidents are often accumulated by thousands of small loopholes. Be your own architect, don't rush for success, lay down every brick and tile in a down-to-earth manner, and don't cut corners. When your house is firmly established, you will find that real life can stand the wind and rain.
It takes hard work to build your own house. Cao Xueqin made A Dream of Red Mansions one of the four classical novels, and went down in history through ten years' reading and five additions and deletions. With his youth and years of hard work, Chen Jingrun created the brilliance of modern mathematics in China with two sacks of manuscript paper. Madame Curie and her husband rely on their sweat and perseverance to extract one gram of pure radium from two tons of raw materials ... It has been said that everything needs labor except sunshine and rain. A diligent person may not be successful, but a successful person must be diligent. Even if they fail, the failure after diligence is a clear conscience and a great failure. A lofty, majestic and tall house of life is also inseparable.
Building your own house requires innovation. "The best way to predict the future is to create it." Everyone has his best field. Try to find something new in every axiom and theorem, create your own life, make your house stand out among many houses, and luck will definitely come to your residence.
Building your own house requires a correct attitude. Life will not be smooth sailing, and setbacks are inevitable. In the face of difficulties, don't be afraid to conquer them, let them add bricks to your house, not let them destroy the house you built. Facing glory, not being complacent, and then being modest and enterprising, let it paint your house with brighter colors instead of letting it collapse in success ... and this requires us to have an optimistic, positive and modest attitude. The mentality of positioning life and building a house of life is also inseparable from mentality.
(In the above paragraphs, the argument is placed at the beginning of the paragraph, and several paragraphs form a parallel "separate" format, which shows the clarity of thinking and the neatness of discussion. )
Be your own architect, take diligence as the brick, creativity as the tile, and build your own house of life with optimistic, positive and modest mud, so that we will not regret like old carpenters and have a wonderful life!
Simulation score: basic level (content 18+ expression 18)+ development level 18 =54.
Escalating mood
The article has been slightly revised and improved in content, expression and development level, thus becoming a masterpiece with rich content, clear and rigorous level and profound discussion. It can be seen that paying attention to the neat symmetry of the content and the arrangement of sentence paragraphs can not only enrich the content, strengthen the language potential, but also increase the literary talent, thus making the discussion appear profound and powerful.
Upgrade summary
Compared with the first draft, the second draft simplifies the cause of action and adds new causes of action, which makes the cause of action form a neat and symmetrical juxtaposition structure; At the same time, make clear the argument of each paragraph and put it at the beginning of each paragraph.
After revision, the article has become a masterpiece with rich content, flying literary talent, clear thinking and profound discussion.
In fact, "classification" is a very practical writing skill. The so-called "classification" refers to a sentence, a paragraph or several paragraphs, which are composed of several parallel components with roughly the same structure, arranged according to different levels or lines. By using the form of classification, the text and meaning can be spread out layer by layer and promoted in an orderly manner. Classification often gives people a sense of unity, and the language is neat and smooth, which greatly enhances the persuasiveness and momentum of the article.
As far as the "classification" of argumentative essays is concerned, we should pay attention to the following points:
1. Pay attention to the neatness of the form. Separate sentences and paragraphs should be similar in form to form a balanced structure.
2. There are no less than 3 sentences and paragraphs used for "separation", generally no more than 5. Less than 3 sentences or 3 paragraphs, can not form the trend of extravagance and parallelism; More than five sentences or five paragraphs is cumbersome.
3. Every sentence and paragraph of Fendi should have its own angle or emphasis in content. For example, the example at the beginning of the second draft is "from ancient times to the present", and several examples in the middle are "from ancient times to the present". Several small discussion paragraphs are all around a "small point of view".