Xiao Wen Mo Yu
I used to be insomnia and confused in countless young days.
Trying to pursue the mystery that the world throws at me, but I can't seem to get the answer I want.
I grew up all the way, because I was confused and left many unforgettable marks in my youth. No matter what you encounter, you must firmly tell yourself: "I am experiencing the pain of growing up, and one day I will break into a butterfly and feather into light." I will finally embrace the life I love and move towards a bright future. "
I always thought that the more people grow up, the less confusion they face and the more happiness they have. The less trouble you have, the more confident you will be in the face of many setbacks in life. I always think that four years in college is the most confused youth, so I have been strict with myself during my college years. I have always admitted that I am a stupid person and I don't learn things very fast. It seems that I will always have to work harder than my peers to catch up with them. So I keep telling myself that stupid birds fly first.
My university is not famous, just an ordinary school. But she gave me many wonderful memories, met many great people, and kept me exercising. Now that cherry blossoms are in full bloom, I always think of the cherry blossoms that the College of Liberal Arts sneaks its head into the classroom every spring. Pink flowers look like youthful and moist faces, and they look like themselves in those days. That optimistic and strong self.
Maybe campus life is pure as crystal, even if you encounter setbacks, you will be troubled by the difficulties you encounter, but those difficulties will eventually be solved and those difficult days will eventually pass.
In college, teachers, classmates and students often use the word "excellent" to crown my name. Although I have always known that I have too many shortcomings, even though I am full of praise, I know in my heart that I am not as good as they say. I seem to have been living in an unspeakable anxiety.
Now I see a lot of friends I have made, those feelings in difficult times, those days when I was afraid of uncertainty in the future and couldn't find the answer to the question. Now think about it, I was actually happy at that time. At the very least, you can tell me that you can bravely face those days when you think you are "gloomy", and you can even write words that look very melodramatic now.
I always thought that nothing could beat me.
During my school years, I won awards again and again, experienced again and again, and grew up again and again, which made me firmly believe that I would definitely spell out the future I wanted. I seldom seem to lose.
Maybe a lot of things went too smoothly, so when I graduated, God left me with a bunch of tests.
The failure of the first postgraduate entrance examination plunged me into deep self-denial and self-doubt. It's the feeling that someone who has never lost suddenly loses. During the epidemic, I shut myself in my room and thought about life and death.
It has collapsed countless times.
I never thought that I would be depressed from February to May. But no matter how hard it was, I still gritted my teeth and wrote my graduation thesis, revised it countless times, searched for information and sorted out the corpus, and stayed up late at night. No one knows that it took me half a year to get the first graduation thesis of this major.
Many people say that graduation thesis can be graduated as long as it passes the customs. But I am the kind of person who wants to be perfect as soon as I do it. I used to hate my character of pursuing perfection and obsessing. But I can't make peace with myself.
For example, when I took the postgraduate entrance examination for the first time, there were no supportive voices around me, all of which were opposition and questioning, and advised me to change to a target institution. But because I like that school so much, I rushed up without hesitation. I am always optimistic and confident, but that time I was disappointed.
The depression left over from the third year of high school lurked for many years and finally broke out in the fourth year. I've been struggling with myself.
Until I returned to school in May, several roommates who went ashore for graduate school, intentionally or unintentionally, stabbed me every day and became the last straw that overwhelmed me.
I don't know what language violence means, but the week I went back to school to deal with graduation became an unhealed wound in my heart. In the last week of May, no one ever knew that I had been trying to hold down my wound to prevent it from bursting, pushing me from the tenth floor to the cold ground and breaking with my dream.
Because of the epidemic, we became the worst graduates. There is no graduation ceremony, no job fair on campus, and no beautiful graduation photo that we have been longing for for for a long time, which has drawn a perfect full stop for our four years of youth.
It all came to an abrupt end.
After graduation, I locked myself in a rented room all June, like a little cocoon afraid of the light.
I'm afraid to go anywhere. I've been fighting the little devil inside. I tossed and turned for more than 30 nights, biting my lip to prevent myself from crying. Every time I cry, my heart hurts. I can only feel it, but I can't give it a hug and comfort, just like I can't give myself.
I dare not show my wound to others in the sun. Because when there is no nudity, it has been quietly salted by others. Because, many people will say that the pressure resistance is too weak, and the flowers in the greenhouse can't stand the wind and rain, too pessimistic and too negative. I will even be told that I deserve it!
I never like arguing with others. Especially when your own wound bursts and others have to insert a knife into it. I don't like that. I know I've suffered enough, and I have to bite my teeth. I apologize to the person who hurt me and explain to her/them why I have those wounds. There's no point.
Because there has never been empathy in this world.
I never preach my pain to others. Because I know that everyone in this world has their own pain, everyone has their own problems and setbacks, and they all have their own dark times.
But as my psychology teacher in college said, the human body is like a container, and we can't let those negative emotions take root in the body all the time. Over time, the body will be overwhelmed. Therefore, we must vent those negative emotions in an appropriate way. Only in this way can the body be in a virtuous circle.
So, silent to others, I started running, practicing yoga, and letting myself forget those troubles through fitness. I began to write down the worries that overwhelmed me. Every time I express it in words, I feel much more relaxed.
So many times, the words I write are actually written for myself. What I write should be a part of my life. I will also record my life and many colorful or dull days in other ways. Life is an ocean, and I just want to embrace myself in this way.
If I am lucky, many warm people will convey their kindness to me. But at the same time, some people will criticize me by pointing at the words that bear my heavy heart.
So later, I rarely even wrote.
I have also seen many sick friends on the internet, and they use words as the object of telling and listening to their friends, so as to cure themselves. However, I have also seen many keyboard men respond with more tragic language.
Without the pain of others, how can you be willing to be a piece of snow in the cold of others in order to satisfy your own quick breath?
I should get rid of my uncontrollable thoughts from the beginning of writing.
So, back to the original topic.
Take a whole June to sew up some of your wounds.
Moved home in July.
Then I began my study for half a year, reviewing my life during World War II.
This half year should be the most unforgettable half year for me in more than 20 years.
I used to think that by next spring, I would bring all my moods that had been dormant for half a year to the shining sunshine and let them receive warm baptism.
I worked very hard, and I was very serious and strong for half a year. Although I never told anyone that I had Yi Yuzheng, I made peace with myself during those six months.
The pressure of World War II is really unimaginable to ordinary people, and perhaps only friends who have experienced it can know it. Really 100 crashes, 10 1 rebounds.
I thought that when it was all over, I would use long words to commemorate that time. But later, I slowly pressed them to my heart, letting them dry up with the river downstairs, wither with the lotus on the balcony, and cover them with thick dust with my professional lesson recitation strips in the living room. ...
Don't say anything
I hid those days in countless cherry blossoms in spring, together with all the joys, sorrows, pains, happiness, collapse and happiness of that half year.
Even if the ending is not satisfactory, crying once is enough.
I cried for four or five hours without crying until my eyes were bloodshot, my mouth was swollen into a "sausage" and my heart ached. After crying for a week, the whole person was depressed.
For the first time in my life, I used video to commemorate my most collapsed self. I just wanted to say something to myself at that time in a place where no one knew me at all, so that I could bid farewell to the past and start over. Let yourself remember yourself crying. In the days to come, when you collapse to the point where you can't persist, just watch the video and tell yourself, "You have survived those difficult days, and now you must be fine." Unexpectedly, when I opened my mouth, all the grievances and sorrows were like flash floods, which were difficult to control.
That night, my eyes hurt so much that I couldn't sleep.
My mind is full of strange ideas that I have been trying to suppress but can't put into action.
Finally fell asleep in a daze.
I woke up in the middle of the night, but my brain was unusually awake. All the scenes in the past six months have come to mind, just like a movie that ended before it was finished.
Turn on the phone, and the messages below the video will be overwhelming. I never thought that there would be so many strange and lovely people who sent me strength and goodwill in places I didn't know.
It was the first time that I recorded my feelings in that way, and it was also the first time that I knew that friends I had never met could give me so much warmth and light.
Thank you for speeding up the suture of my wound. Thank you, let me get out of the pain of failure faster and face life again.
A few days later, when I think of myself, I always think of Rousseau, 28.
He put aside the shackles of money and built a small house in Walden Lake, two miles from Concord, and worked for more than two years. During his seclusion, all the mountains and rivers and plants were his close friends, and that land was his whole world. He can see spring, summer, autumn and winter from a leaf. He lives like a tree, full of vitality, independent and full of philosophical meaning. As Whitman said:
Everyone has time to be alone. Probably, this is my half year. In the past six months, my little room has also been my Walden Lake. Through the small window in front of my desk, I can see the leaves on the trees outside the window, from summer solstice to spring, from prosperity, withering, falling to germination.
I talked to myself over and over again and answered the questions that have been bothering me for many years. Looking back on everything from elementary school to college, I also looked down on many things and let myself go.
Therefore, whether I open the door after half a year and see flowers everywhere or cold snow all over the sky, life has given me.
Even if the postgraduate entrance examination passes, this spring will repeat the mistakes of last spring, and even face more confusion, hesitation, insomnia nights and tears than last spring;
Even though some of my classmates have worked for more than a year and accumulated their own experience, some have gone to graduate school, and some have married and have children as parents;
Even if I feel it for 10,000 times, everyone seems to have the right track of his life. He is still wandering in this world with nothing, and there are countless self-denial and self-doubt.
Even after I really left the society, I found that a lot of important knowledge and truth can't be learned in school, and the reality is far more cruel than I thought. Finding a job in this major is more difficult than you think. Even if the university has more than 30 certificates, the HR of recruiting employees only depends on whether you have the ability required by the position he recruits.
Even if I give up all my previous dreams and just want to find a job to support myself first, it's hard to find it. I am very confused and sad. Others are still saying that I am too arrogant, riding a horse to find a horse, and I have no idea about my learning ability.
Even though I missed many precious opportunities because I devoted myself to the postgraduate entrance examination, I still have to face many problems now.
But what can you do?
What can't kill me will eventually make me stronger.
William Habington once wrote in a poem:
Yes, I got nothing.
Even if I spend two years of time and energy, at least, through two years of trial and error, let me know what I really want. For example, since high school, I thought that the major I wanted to study most in my university was Chinese language and literature, but I chose Chinese international education by mistake. The whole freshman is in a state of pain. Later, I slowly began to accept this major, began to try to love it, and went to Thailand to practice teaching. Before that, I decided to hack. Even in the third year of high school, a thousand voices in my heart told me: "If you love literature, you should take exams and pursue what you really like." But it was defeated by another voice after all. It says, "You can't take hobbies as a lifelong career. You have paid so much for this major, and the sinking cost is very high. Shouldn't you stick to it? "
In the process of preparing for the exam, the voice of "love" and "dream" has been lingering in my mind at midnight. But I bowed my head and refused.
Until recently, I put away all Han Shuo's reference books. I really want to understand, and sometimes I really need to listen to my inner voice. It turns out that if you make a mistake at the beginning, you can't stick to the rest of the road.
If you give me another chance to choose, I will do what I like best without hesitation.
Unfortunately, time is running out.
I have no chance to go back and choose again.
Many times, when I see that I am getting older and older, my younger friends are already working hard for their own careers or have achieved success in their studies. And myself, I am still in the abyss of life, and I can never escape the evidence of insomnia for countless nights.
At first, I will feel that I can't get rid of my remorse.
But now that I think about it, these years are not nothing.
Every step makes me grow. I should accept all the gifts or punishments that life gives me.
Many times, I also think that everyone will have a particularly difficult time. Maybe I'm in Du Jie now. Life has given me a doom, just like in fairy tales, God will give mortals a test. Only by persisting, never giving up, going through hardships and surviving the doom can we see the light of rebirth.
Everyone will be troubled by unexpected accidents, but pessimism and disappointment will only make their lives worse.
If the heart is sunny, it is fearless and sad.
I thank my parents for giving me the word "sunshine" in my name, which is a supplement to my pessimistic, inferiority, sensitive and fragile personality. Like, along the way, whether sad or happy, they have always stood behind me and never left.
I still haven't escaped from the abyss that life has given me.
However, even though life may not be fair, it presents striking contradictions, as many friends have told me: "It may be painful to lose your wish, but a blessing in disguise is a blessing in disguise." "All your efforts and efforts will be rewarded in another way."
As Buffett said:
I am not a genius or an able person, but I am by no means weak.
Life has crossed one abyss after another. Maybe it's just a mask in disguise. I need to take off this mask and give myself a chance to turn around against the wind.
No matter when, you should not lose yourself, let alone yourself who is full of love for life and longing for the future.
I want to clean my heart again, so that the sun will spread all over the world and my heart, just as the writer Fan said:
Every step of my life was not in vain. I was assembled into what I am at any moment.
So, maybe suffering is the normal state of life.
Everyone has to experience the tempering of life, and so do I.
Crossing the fence of life, whether you see mud or starlight, is a gift of life.
My only wish, life has never knocked me down.
I only hope that every dreamer who is experiencing setbacks and difficulties will always have the strength to run on the road to a better future.
@ Jingjing Jingjing Jingjing Jingjing
202 1.3.23 Tuesday
Yulin city