Accepting others' excessive words or behaviors innocently is forgiveness in the ordinary sense. Besides, some unusual forgiveness is hard for us to do, because some things hurt us deeply. For example, our parents are cruel, or someone has hurt me or my relatives. Such forgiveness requires a very difficult mental journey.
Some people think that forgiveness is a sign of weakness, and they are more willing to retaliate against each other. It's hard to forgive yourself. Some people think this is a proof of courage. Forgiveness makes them feel free and even brings new energy to their lives, because forgiving others means liberating themselves first. Whether asking for forgiveness or forgiving others, it is the result of doing a lot of work for yourself. Sometimes, this kind of work is ineffective-we just want to forgive each other without real action.
Forgiveness begins with overcoming your own confusion and ignorance. Of course, the specific situation of each victim is different, but how you did it is more important than what kind of injury you suffered on the question of whether you can successfully start. Just like the fate of two abandoned babies is different. One person may regard life as a battle, and another person may think that life has been defeated without a battle. They may or may not forgive their parents. Every story is different. How many people are hurt, how many people are forgiven in people's expectations. Although it is difficult, we have done several forgiveness steps with the "forgiveness" experts, which may help you.
Make up your mind to stop suffering.
As long as the harm exists, forgiveness will not begin. So, how do we end this? In the face of people who make mistakes-colleagues who discriminate against women or friends who slip of the tongue, the victims may be helpless and can only be tortured by their own injuries. The first step is to stop worrying about other people's mistakes. Get out of the abyss of pain and stop taking responsibility for other people's mistakes. If physical and mental injuries are involved, the first step can be effectively completed only by forcing the offender to take responsibility through legal means. To be clear, there is no contradiction between forgiving the person who hurt you and bringing him/her to justice, as the philosopher Simon Weill said: We can only forgive those who we can punish. Of course, the justice of law is to punish the mistakes made by the parties in the name of society and testify for them. And true forgiveness can only be decided by the victims themselves.
Admit the existence of mistakes
The past will not disappear, and it is impossible to forget the injured. Forgetting injury is a self-protection mechanism of human beings, which can make us escape from pain. However, the hatred hidden in the unconscious will become stronger and stronger, and sooner or later it will erupt more violently. This will bring harm to yourself. The victim has to go on living before he realizes that the perpetrator has made a mistake and is guilty. Psychoanalyst Cabrina Joban said: "Blaming the perpetrator is to rebuild yourself." Doing so can also help us avoid some psychological diseases and eliminate the negative emotions that appear constantly.
Express anger
In order to forgive each other, the victim must express his anger to the perpetrator. This is to admit the pain and be willing to let it out. Attack, anger, and even hatred are effective first. Are all manifestations of mental health. This means that the victim is unwilling to put the perpetrator's mistakes on himself.
As Cabrina Joban said, "Hatred is such a strong negative emotion that we can't let it go away by itself. If this negative energy is not transferred back to the perpetrator, it will hurt yourself. " This energy will produce a self-destructive mechanism.
Generally speaking, we don't want to express our anger, hatred and reprimand directly to the perpetrators. We don't think it's good to do this or we are afraid to face the resistance of each other. We can write down our feelings, write down all the injuries that the other party has brought us, and then share them with people we trust. If the situation is really serious, you need to turn to a therapist.
Stop feeling guilty
Paradoxically, many victims feel guilty about their injuries. Finding out what harm you finally suffered will help you to look at guilt and the pain it brings you objectively. Proud? Honor and dignity? What did it hurt me?
Nicole Fables said, "Answering this question will exonerate us and stop taking responsibility for our mistakes." This process also requires you to give up your ideal self and don't blame yourself for not solving the problem in other ways at that time. For some cases of serious trauma, such as rape and incest, only by forgiving yourself can the victim continue to live.
Understand the people who hurt us
Hatred allows us to survive in the face of attack, but in the long run, it will destroy us. To get rid of this dilemma, we must put ourselves in the shoes. Doing so can help us understand each other's behavior and make them acceptable to some extent. Understanding each other's motives is not to excuse each other, but to see that each other also has weaknesses and shortcomings. The philosopher Paul Ricoeur said, "Don't think that a person who has done bad things is really as evil as what he has done."
brick by brick
Forgiveness is not a sponge. Forgiveness takes time. Forgiving too soon is meaningless and won't help anyone. The best time is to wait until the idea of forgiveness appears.
Nicole Fables said, "You can wait patiently and brew forgiveness at the same time." Premature forgiveness will be regarded as a kind of forgiveness by the perpetrator, and it is also a kind of deception to the victim, because the victim still has hatred in his heart, even unconsciously. The danger of forgiving too quickly is that the victim will be hurt again.
Live an active life again.
How do we know if we really forgive each other? When we stop feeling angry and hateful about each other's actions and "stop feeling guilty about what happened". According to Cabrina Joban, this means that we really forgive each other. Nicole Fabres believes that another performance is that in action, we begin to face life positively again. Forgiveness can release pain, turn injury into motivation of life, and even make you stronger. He said: "Forgiveness is your own growth, and it is to make room for others in your heart. The real road to self-liberation is the step beyond forgiveness. "
Should we wait for someone else to ask for our forgiveness?
Nana, 29, realized when her grandfather died that she should reconnect with her family while they were still alive: "My father is always away, and he will do nothing but accuse us. But I know I can never leave him. Even if I don't associate with him, he will always be my father. Therefore, I should forgive him, in order to better continue my life. I don't ask for his love, I don't ask him to stay at home, I don't need him to give me any explanation or comment on him. I just told him that he never became the father I hoped for. From then on, I forgave him. This forgiveness has made me very rewarding, and I feel that the shackles on my body have been untied. This forgiveness is for myself. He didn't ask me for forgiveness, but he said thank you to me. I can see from his eyes that I have relieved him of his post.
The above is the composition material.