I am the father of five children now. It pains me to think of Sheng Tao's favorite metaphor: "A snail has a shell on its back". Recently, a relative laughed at me and said, "I'm going to skin it!" It's even more creepy When I first got married ten years ago, I read an article in Mr. Hu Shizhi's Notes of the Chamber of Secrets that there are many great people in the world who don't get married. Bacon was quoted in the article, "A man with a wife is doomed to failure." At that time, I was really taken aback, as if I woke up from a dream, but my family had been arbitrarily married to a daughter-in-law. what can I say? Now a daughter-in-law, followed by five children; With such a heavy burden on two shoulders, I really don't know how to go, and it goes without saying "destiny"; From children's point of view, how they should grow up is also something to worry about. I am a completely selfish person. It is difficult to be a husband, let alone a father. I also know some philosophy or ethics about "child worship" and "child-oriented" in nature; As a father, it is not enough to close your eyes and deny your child's rights. Unfortunately, this is just a theory. In fact, I am still dealing with it savagely according to the ancient tradition, just like an ordinary father. Recently, middle-aged people gradually feel cruel; Thinking about the corporal punishment and scolding of children, I still can't explain it-like stroking an old scar, my heart is sour. Once I watched the translation of Shimadairo's With Young People, and I shed tears for that great and sincere attitude. I wrote to my father and asked about A Jiu. At that time, A Jiu was still in Baima Lake. The letter said, "I didn't keep you, so don't keep him." I cried for this sentence; Why am I not as kind as my father? I shouldn't forget how my father treated us! Human nature may really be binary, and I am so contradictory; My heart comes and goes like a pendulum.

Have you read Lu Xun's "Family Happiness"? Mine is that kind of "happy family" Lunch and dinner every day are like two tides. First of all, the children look around in the kitchen and dining room, and at the same time urge my wife or me to give the order of "eating". Rapid and intermittent footsteps, accompanied by laughter and shouts, came in waves until the order was issued. They ran and shouted one by one, passing the orders to the servants in the kitchen; He rushed back to move the stool at once. So this one said, "I'm sitting here!" " "The man said," Eldest brother won't let me go! "Big brother said," little sister hit me! "I mediate for them and put in a good word. But sometimes they are stubborn, and sometimes I am impatient, so I need to scold them. I can't help it if I scold them. Involuntarily, my heavy palm fell on them. Then sit still and cry, and the situation will be settled. Then you want a big bowl, he wants a small bowl, you say red chopsticks are good, and he says black chopsticks are good; This needs dry rice, that needs porridge, tea and soup, fish and meat, tofu and radish; You said he had a lot of food, and he said you had something delicious. The wife comforted them as usual, but it was obviously too slow. I am a grumpy person. How can I wait? Needless to say, they were immediately conquered in the old way; Although some people cried, they quickly took the bowl with tears in their eyes. After eating, they climbed down the stool one after another, and the oblique spoon was like a colorful map model. Eating out, their big event is playing games. In the game, the big ones have big ideas and the small ones have small ideas, so they can't catch each other, so they argue; Or the big bully the small one, or the small bully the big one, and the bullied one cries and complains to me or my wife; We still have to judge in the old way, but sometimes we ignore it. The most difficult thing is to compete for toys: this and that are the same thing, but it is definitely that; That one refused. In this case, no matter what, you have to cry in the end. Naturally, these incidents do not happen every day, but there are always many. If I sit at home reading or writing something, I'm sure I'll come back to my heart several times or stand up once or twice at one o'clock. If there are many children at home on rainy days or sundays, there will be cases where you can't read a word clearly when you open the book and you can't write a word when you lift the pen. I often say to my wife, "Our family is really fully armed! "Sometimes it's not just during the day, but also all-night military forces, including suckling children and sick children!

I was only nineteen when I got married. Twenty-one years old, with A Jiu; At the age of 23, I have food again. At that time, I was like a wild horse. How can I tolerate these heavy saddles, reins and reins? It is impossible to get rid of it, but I have been unconsciously getting rid of it. Looking back now, those days were really hard for these two children; All kinds of atrocities are really hard to forgive! A Jiu is only two and a half years old. We live in a school in Hangzhou. Somehow, children are particularly fond of crying and are particularly afraid of strangers. As soon as my mother disappeared or a visitor came, I began to cry. There are many people living in the school. I can't let him disturb them. There are always guests. I was very unhappy. Once, I cheated my wife out, closed the door and beat him to the ground. My wife still feels a little unbearable about this matter now; She said my hands were too spicy, and I was a two-and-a-half-year-old child! In recent years, every time I think of the scene at that time, I feel gloomy. A Cai is in Taizhou, smaller; I'm only over one year old, and I can't even walk well. Also to pester my mother, I pressed her tightly in the corner and cried for three or four minutes; So I was ill for a few days. My wife said it was really chilling at that time! But my pain is also real. I once wrote to Shengtao that the children were really helpless; Sometimes I think suicide is better. Although this is an angry remark, I have also felt this way. Later, there were more children, and after wearing them for a long time, the front edge of teenagers gradually became dull; The growth of age has given me rational restraint, which I can bear-I feel that I was once a "failed father", as I said in a letter to another friend. But my children were really more restless than others when they were young, and I feel the same way now. I think this is probably because we can't raise the law; It was shameful and cruel to just blame the children and let them take responsibility for us!

In fact, there is nothing wrong with positive "happiness" As everyone says, the little ones are always cute, and the small appearance and narrow-mindedness of children are really unbearable. Mao is five months old now. If you poke her chin with your finger or make a face at her, she will grin like a blooming flower. She doesn't want to stay in the house; Stay for a long time, and then shout. My wife often says, "The girl is going out for a walk again." She said that like a bird, she always walks outside for a period of time every day. Runer just turned three last month. He is too stupid to learn words well. He can only speak three or four-word phrases or sentences, with grammatical errors and vague pronunciation, and he has to try to say: We always laugh at him. When he says "good", he always becomes "small"; Ask him "ok"? Did he say "small" or "not small"? We often tease him to say this word for fun; Recently, he seems to feel that he can occasionally say the correct word "good"-especially when we say "small" on purpose. He has a magnetic bowl, which he bought for ten cents. When he bought it, the old lady taught him, "This is a dime." He remembered the word "Mao" and called the bowl "Mao", which was sometimes omitted. This is a new old maid, who needs translation to understand. He was embarrassed, or grinned when he saw strangers; We often call him a "fool" in the local dialect. He is a little fat man with short legs and a ridiculous gait. If you walk or run, you will look better. Sometimes, like me, he crosses his hands behind his back and rocks. This is something that he and we both want to be happy about. His elder sister's name is Cai, who is over seven years old and is in primary school. At dinner table, you must report something about your classmates or their parents. Panting, whether you like it or not. Then he always asked me, "Do you know dad?" "Does Dad know?" My wife often forbids her to talk while eating, so she always asks me. She has many questions: when watching a movie, she asked if it was a person. Is it a real person? Why don't you talk? The same is true for taking pictures. I don't know who told her that soldiers are going to hit people. When you come back, ask, are soldiers human? Why do you want to hit people? Recently, after listening to your husband's words, I came back to ask who Zhang's soldiers were helping. Did Chiang Kai-shek's soldiers help us? Questions like this are indispensable every day, and I often don't know how to answer them. She was playing with Runer, one big and one small, which was inappropriate, and she was crying all the time. But there are also times when it fits: for example, one hides under this bed and the other digs in to chase; From bed to bed, I heard laughter, shouts and gasps, just like my wife said, like a puppy. Now in Beijing, there are only these three children; When A Jiu and Zhuan Er came to the north last year, they asked their mother to take them back to Yangzhou temporarily.

A Jiu is a happy book. He likes reading Water Margin, The Journey to the West, Three Heroes and Five Righteousnesses, Children, etc. When you are free, sit or lie down with a book in your hand. I just don't like a dream of red mansions and say it has no taste. Yes, where can a ten-year-old child feel the taste of a dream of red mansions? In fact, we could only take two children last year; Because he is old, and Zhui Er has been following his grandmother, he left them in Shanghai. I clearly remember the morning of parting. I took A Jiu out of the hotel at Eryangjing Bridge and sent him to his mother and relatives living in Huaner. The wife said, "Buy them something to eat." We walked four blocks and came to a teahouse. A Jiu said to smoke fish, so I bought it. I bought cookies again, which are for Zhui Er. Then take the tram to Haining Road. When I got off the bus, I felt very sad to see his fear and burden. When I went to my relatives' house, I just said a word or two because I was going back to the hotel to pack my boat. My son turned to look at me and said nothing. A Jiu was talking to my grandmother. I looked back at them and left. Later, my wife told me that A Jiu secretly told her, "I know that my father is very happy with my little sister and will not take me to Beijing." Actually, this is not right. He once said to us, "Be sure to pick me up during the summer vacation!" We promised at that time; But now it is the second summer vacation, and they are still staying in Yangzhou. Do they hate us? Still thinking about me? My wife has been unable to let go of these two for a year, and often tears secretly alone; But what can I do! It is sad to think of an unknown poem "Only for the poor". It's a little strange to me. But when she left Baima Lake last year, she pointed at me with a blunt Yangzhou dialect (she had not been to Yangzhou at that time) and a particularly sharp little voice: "I want to go to Beijing." How much does she know about Beijing? She only told the older children about it. But then I listened, and now I'm thinking, but I'm really sorry. It is common for the brother and sister to leave me. Although they left their mother once, this time it was too long. My little heart knows how to endure loneliness!

My friends may all like children. Shaogu once wrote to blame me, saying that children's noise is also very interesting, as disgusting as I said; He said he was confused. Kai Zi's article for his family's China Exhibition is really "kind words". Sheng Tao often worries about her children: Where should I go to middle school after primary school? He has told me this situation two or three times. I'm only ashamed of them! But recently, I have gradually felt my responsibility. I think we should reunite the children first, and then give them some strength. I have seen a person who loves children with my own eyes. I abandoned them because I didn't educate them well. He doesn't spoil them, but they can't succeed without patience to take care of them. I think if I go on like this, the children will be in danger I want to make a plan so that they gradually know how to behave. But do you want them to be like me? On this floor, when I teach junior high school students in Baima Lake, I also ask for respect from the standpoint of teachers and students. Without hesitation, he said, "Nature." Recently, I talked to Pingbo about my adopted son, and he answered beautifully, "I don't want to be worse than myself." Yes, as long as it's not "worse than yourself", it doesn't matter if "elephant" is not "elephant". Occupation, outlook on life, etc. It is best for them to decide; Self-esteem is extremely precious. It is very wise to guide and help them develop themselves.

Tong Yu said, "We must let our children finish college before we can do our duty." SK said, "Otherwise, it depends on our economy, their materials and volunteers; If you can't or don't want to go to school after graduating from high school, you can do other things, such as being a worker. That's not impossible. "Naturally, people's quality and success or failure do not depend entirely on school education; Maybe it's just our prejudice that we have to graduate from college. I can't have a certain idea about this matter yet; Especially in this changing era, what do you know in the future? Fortunately, the child is still young. Let's wait for the future What we can do now is only to cultivate their basic strength-mind and vision; Children are still children. Naturally, they can't be said to be unattainable. Start from a small place nearby. Naturally, I can only put my own appearance first; " God is wise, but there is only one person, "let them do their jobs, whether brilliant, unfortunate or ordinary." I just hope to be a good father from now on, as I think, and I will be satisfied. -how dare I not cheer myself up when I think of a madman shouting "save the child"?

Written on the evening of June 24th, 1928, Tsinghua campus.