But, after marriage? My husband can't be around because of work. Although her mother-in-law was taking care of her when she was pregnant and gave birth to a baby, her inner expectation for her husband made her extremely dissatisfied and wronged that her husband was not around. So there has always been a feeling that her husband owes her. Therefore, she thinks that her husband should care for her as much as his parents, take special care of her, and should be able to accompany her at any time. Otherwise, he will be very anxious and think that her husband is outside.
In fact, she didn't really think her husband was outside. She was just dissatisfied with him and her needs could not be met, so she stimulated her husband in this way, making him nervous and paying attention to her. If her husband doesn't respond positively to her anxiety, she will be extremely anxious. This kind of anxiety is often determined by her personality and comes from the habitual dependence of her family. She pinned all her expectations in family of origin on her husband. Therefore, it is hard for her to accept when her husband's performance is not as good as that of her family.
Second, your anxiety stems from your inner unreasonable beliefs, which you can't change and adjust.
We all know that personality determines fate, and how one's personality and thoughts often have a great influence on one. This kind of personality often leads to an inherent thinking or concept, which is very unreasonable. That is to say, once you form a certain thinking habit, when you encounter a problem, whether right or wrong, you are used to judging with your inherent thinking, and this habit is often difficult to change. Your understanding of something often carries this kind of thinking. When this kind of thinking conflicts with the outside world, we call it unreasonable belief.
For example, you think your partner should answer your phone at any time. If you think you sent a message to the other party, the other party should reply immediately. Otherwise, I don't pay enough attention to you, or I don't love you and don't care. You think the other person is willing to spend money for you to show that you really love you. Once you can't meet your inner expectations, you think he doesn't love you, just uses you, and so on. With this belief, often when the other party really can't reply to you in time, no matter how many reasons and explanations will be denied and blocked by you. At that time, there was only one belief in your heart, that is, he didn't love me enough, didn't care about me, and even he changed his mind. That's why you feel pain and uneasy.
Because those unreasonable beliefs in your heart make you feel that your idea is right, and you simply don't listen to his explanation. If this inherent concept can't be changed and you can't adjust it yourself, then you will be very uneasy and painful when facing the problem.
Third, your anxiety comes from your inferiority complex and excessive "expectation" for each other.
In the intimate relationship with our lover, we sometimes unconsciously feel inferior, for example, we always feel that our looks are not outstanding, for example, the other person's income is higher than our own, for example, the other person's social skills are stronger than our own, for example, we have no job but to walk around the house, no friends, no confidants, very lonely and so on. So in this state of mind, your dependence and expectation on your partner is very great. On the one hand, you feel inferior, which often makes you feel uneasy. You are always worried that you are not worthy of each other, and you are always afraid of being rejected and abandoned by each other.
Therefore, when you have a lot of worries and fear that your life will be lost, you will constantly ask the other person to express your affection and love, and you will try to dilute your inner anxiety with this spiritual satisfaction. Once the other person ignores your feelings, you will feel that his behavior verifies your anxiety and thinks that he really doesn't love you enough. So this loss aggravates your anxiety, so you want to catch him and keep him close to you. But if you push too hard and hurt the other person, the other person wants to break free and escape from your entanglement, which makes you fall into fear again. This interactive mode will form a vicious circle invisibly, leading to greater anxiety and persistent anxiety.
Fourth, your anxiety ultimately comes from your heart, not from the other side.
Psychologically speaking, any emotional changes in our hearts are often the projection of real life in our hearts, and our inner emotions will be fed back and expressed in our lives. So many times, some intuitive problems we see are often an explicit expression of our inner emotions. Therefore, when we look at the problems in marriage intuitively, we will feel uneasy. The reason why she is upset is often that the other party is not doing well enough. It was the other party who hurt her and failed to meet her inner expectations. She always thought it was the other person's problem that upset her. In fact, this kind of anxiety does not come from each other, but from oneself. Imagine what the other person can do to satisfy you.
Take the woman in the first story as an example. She once told me that her husband wouldn't return my calls. There must be someone outside. When I asked her to try to contact her husband on her own initiative, she got no response at the moment and was very upset. She said, look, he didn't return my message. There must be an affair.
I said, how do you know? What evidence do you have to prove that he is seeing someone? Why can't he see your message? Why couldn't he be too busy not taking care of you last time? Why can't he just ignore you because he is angry with you? Wait, wait, wait. There are many possibilities. She said, impossible. However, she soon received a reply from her husband and called her wife. She was very happy and gave me this information happily. However, this joy, she only had a moment, a moment later, she immediately questioned whether her husband had a guilty conscience. Is it because someone is here that you call my wife that?
You see, in this case, what do you think a man should do to make her feel at ease as a wife? If you can't reply in time, you will feel uneasy. If you reply to the message, you will feel uneasy. Therefore, in fact, the uneasy mood still comes from oneself. It's her own heart, always thinking the bad side, which makes her fall into her own fears and worries.
Therefore, most of the time, it is not the other person's behavior that makes you uneasy, but your interpretation of the other person's behavior is too narrow and bad, which makes you uneasy. In fact, this kind of anxiety is not given by the other party, but by myself.
Your anxiety comes from your heart, from yourself. If your heart is strong enough, if your character is open-minded, if you can be calm when things happen, if your thoughts are not limited to narrow barriers, will you still be uneasy when you encounter the same thing? You will accept it frankly, analyze it rationally, face it indifferently and laugh it off.
Therefore, we must remember that sunshine can only come if we are modest in marriage or feelings!