There is nothing wrong with paragraphs 8 and 9. I'm afraid you don't have many paragraphs To have a short paragraph is to summarize something a little. Or lead to the following situation. Because the marking teacher will like this kind of thing.
There should be more arguments. Your argument seems to have an example. You can take various arguments, such as quoting arguments. Because teachers will get tired of correcting the way everyone demonstrates.
If you look good, you will have an impression. If you are good-looking, I don't think 5 1 -52 is a problem. Don't underestimate 1, 2 points. The college entrance examination has drawn tens of thousands of people.