Especially these days, the nerves are in a state of tension for a long time, and the brain is running at high speed all the time.
I have previewed one class after another, studied a lot of materials, and studied one subject paper after another.
In particular, I officially started writing an academic paper with theoretical strength.
From the first draft to the tenth draft now, nearly 20 thousand words of papers have been abruptly changed over and over again.
Until now, looking back at the first draft, it is no exaggeration to describe it with the word "beyond recognition".
Half a year's academic thesis writing has given me too much physical and mental shock and thinking.
With constant revision, polishing and perfection, self-hardening from the inside out. Wash away the anxiety on the surface of the subconscious and precipitate the deepest concentration of the self.
First, in the middle of February before 65438+ Chinese New Year, determine the research object of thesis writing; It took another half a month to fully familiarize myself with the research object and initially draw up the content framework of the paper.
Then from the end of February, 20 19 to the end of October, 2020 10, I studied the professional theoretical literature for one month.
By early February, I officially started writing. It took me half a month to write a paper with more than 15 thousand words.
Send the first draft to the tutor with trepidation, and adjust the idea and framework of the paper according to the feedback.
The first time, the second time, the third time, the fourth time, the fifth time, the sixth time ... Before I arrived at school, the manuscript of the paper had been revised six times, and each time it was quickly repaired within less than ten days. During the epidemic at home, I opened my eyes almost every morning and sat at my desk reading literature. After lunch break, start reviewing.
This pace of life continued until I went to school.
I remember when I changed it to the sixth time, I told my friend that I felt I had reached the limit of my ability and didn't know how to change it again.
After a month, after returning to school, the tutor interviewed the thesis face to face.
At noon that day, I took the courier in the school express mail room, and the tutor WeChat sent a message. At two o'clock in the afternoon, we faced the interview paper.
Although I didn't explain the specific content, I have a vague feeling that the paper may have to be revised again.
That day, I lay in bed for a lunch break as usual, but I couldn't calm down.
I fell asleep in a daze, and when I woke up, I felt that life was so tired and bitter. I sat at my desk and took out a box of biscuits from the drawer. There were one hundred fruits, a pink sweet core and a crispy shell. After taking a bite, the taste buds were filled with a thick sweetness, which made me tired of it.
I sat at my desk, eating a box of cookies one by one, looking at myself in the mirror when I was sad, and then forcing myself to suppress a smiling face.
Throughout the afternoon, from two o'clock to nearly five o'clock, the tutor patiently explained the improvement direction of the paper from the perspectives of topic selection, theoretical innovation and paper structure.
The moment I came out of the office, my mood was very confused. When I got back to the library, I wanted to lie on my desk and rest for a few minutes, but my brain seemed unusually awake. I can't sleep, my mind is full of papers.
I turned on the computer to read the sixth draft of the paper, from the first page to the fifteenth page, and I was a little unconvinced.
At that time, I was really reluctant to delete the paper I spent so much energy writing, stubbornly thinking that it had been written.
In fact, in retrospect, I was afraid at that moment, I was afraid that my ability was not enough; I thought I really reached the limit of my ability, but I didn't have enough confidence to push myself forward.
However, when I was forced to re-examine my papers, re-search for theoretical innovations and re-study the objects, I didn't know at which moment, when I read my previous papers, I actually felt a sense of disgust.
A week later, I was convinced of the revision and sent the seventh draft to my tutor.
The tutor sent a message saying that this revision has greatly improved both the language and the theoretical exposition.
Also sent a sentence, obedient can teach.
Looking at the information sent by the tutor, I review my mental journey all the way, feel happy for my progress, and feel ashamed of my apparent stubbornness.
But the draft was still not passed.
But after that rejection, I was no longer as excited, anxious and unconvinced as before, but opened the document, re-examined the paper and further studied the new theoretical literature.
There seems to be a shallow expectation and longing in my heart, expecting and longing for another self-breakthrough and leap after the reform.
Most importantly, in the revision again and again, I found that my mind subconsciously influenced some of my ideas.
In the past, deep down, I may have never really respected academic research, even my major.
But in the process of studying the tutor's thesis over and over again, I gradually developed deep respect and admiration.
It seems that we can spy out an extreme academic research attitude through every thesis and theory of the tutor.
Although there are many academic unhealthy tendencies in society, people who really do academic work with their heart will make you unconsciously admire and respect them.
That Saturday night, I sent the revised eighth draft paper to my tutor. The next morning, my tutor called me to say that the revision of the paper was not enough, and sorted out the existing problems for me on the phone.
I stood on the roof of the library and answered the phone. At the request of my tutor, I pressed the recording so that I could ponder it carefully after the call.
But unfortunately, I don't know why the phone didn't record.
I'm sorry to ask my tutor to tell me again, but I'm not sure if some key points are really understood and need to be pondered.
Senior sister will defend her graduation thesis that afternoon. At lunch, I sent a nervous WeChat to my tutor, telling him that the morning recording was not recorded, and some key points were not sure whether I really understood it. I wish I could tell them again.
At the end of the evening, my tutor and colleagues called me on the way home and told me again.
At that time, the library was just about to close, and my roommates were learning to read. I took my computer, recording equipment and notebook to the boiling water room on the second floor of the dormitory, and took notes while listening to the instructor's speech.
At 9 o'clock in the evening, patches of mosquitoes stung people's skin. After the phone call, my calf was covered with blood and red marks that I scratched.
For the next period of time, I will eat, walk, finish class, think about my thesis all the time, and even think back and think about the logic of each part before going to bed every night.
Sleep is shallow, and you can even feel that your sleep is full of black and white.
Up to the tenth draft now, the revision of the paper has come to an end temporarily.
From mid-February to mid-June of 19, I wrote for half a year for 20 years and revised ten drafts, which made me feel very tired.
But what followed was a change that even I could not predict.
Every time I always think I have reached the limit of my ability, but the pressure is approaching again and again, so I have to grit my teeth and find a breakthrough path again and again, constantly touching and constantly challenging my ability boundary.
Now think about it again, although the whole person is exhausted for writing a paper in the past six months, I am happy.
Compared with previous years, when I stumble on the road, I often feel a sense of despair.
That kind of isolation, that kind of crowd, but I can't find anyone who can stop and point out the maze for myself.
I will analyze the course teachers one by one in my mind for an exercise and guess which one may be more diligent in my mind.
It was not until a long time, when there were many difficult hurdles and many problems that needed guidance, that I consciously chose to study all kinds of materials by myself.
It is also a learning process that I have explored by myself, which has always given me a belief that when you don't know something, it means that you are not familiar with it. If you are unfamiliar, you will learn less and think shallowly.
So I will choose to study a lot of materials related to the topic repeatedly to get familiar with it and understand it in a deeper level.
This time, in the process of thesis writing, the tutor's guidance made me slowly learn the academic knowledge I had mastered in the past, and realized a process from theory to practice, from quantitative change to qualitative change. I am very grateful for this experience and my tutor's tireless guidance and encouragement.
I think the so-called growth is actually the process of dying with myself.
Many times, when you are in urgent need of help, others will not lend a helping hand. This is a common living condition.
But if someone is willing to give you some advice, it will be your great luck and blessing.
Growth is destined to be a lonely journey, a process that no one can replace. You must go through ups and downs to know the taste of life.
Along the way, I have been adhering to the idea that no one will teach you anything really useful unless I have a close relationship with you.
Even sometimes, others are willing to teach you, because what you think is difficult may be a natural part of others' nature, so you don't have to study it deliberately.
In this way, no matter how powerful a person is, he can't teach students in accordance with their aptitude, but he can disassemble his instinct for you.
The best cultivation method is to see more, listen more, observe more and reflect more.
No one has pointed out the direction, so we should learn to use all external forces to enrich ourselves and help ourselves climb the peak level by level.
This process is bound to be accompanied by a lot of hard, forbearing and self-abuse deliberate training.
Every step, every step up, you need to use your whole body's energy, step by step, very slowly, but you will also feel inner peace gradually.
Because of the small steps, over time, looking back, at my feet, I have crossed countless steep peaks, which are tempered by sweat, tears and body and mind again and again, so I have the opportunity to stop and look down.