But he likes playing games very much. When the child is about one year old and needs someone to take care of him, he asks me to work overtime for a while, but he is actually playing games.
After this incident, we had a serious communication. I learned about the pressure of his work and life and reflected on his way of doing things. He sincerely apologized, but I was still disappointed-although we had some small frictions in life before, life has always been as complete and beautiful as a fairy tale to me.
This incident once made me full of doubts about marriage and love life, and I couldn't get rid of this negative emotion.
Finally, a word from my lover saved me. He said: "Have you seriously thought that this is my first time as a husband and father, and I also have the space and right to learn and progress?" He changed a very wrong cognition: a good marriage is as easy as blowing off dust. If we need to work hard, it shows that our relationship is not harmonious and there are serious problems.
Recently, the author Carol Dwek wrote in the book Observing the Growth of Life:
These words can be said to be proverbs for dealing with intimate relationships.
Carol Dwek is an American psychologist and a professor at Stanford University. More importantly, she is the winner of the world's largest single education award "One Dan Award". Her breakthrough research aims to explore the power of "growth mentality". The research on "growth mentality" for decades shows that the teaching method that focuses on the process rather than the result can greatly increase the opportunities for students to fully develop their potential, and this concept has far-reaching influence in the education sector.
In the book Lifelong Growth, Carol Dwek introduced two modes of thinking, namely, fixed mode and growth mode, and profoundly revealed the influence of these two different modes of thinking on our emotions, life and career, pointing out that only by establishing a correct mode of thinking can we better achieve the goals of life and career. Finally, Carol Dwek put forward the method of establishing the growth thinking mode, which can guide people to establish their enthusiasm for life in the most correct and simple way and promote our self-growth.
Believing that one's talent is immutable is a fixed mode of thinking-this will make people eager to prove their abilities over and over again.
The growth thinking mode holds that although there are many differences between people's talents and qualifications, interests or personalities, everyone can change them through their own efforts. In other words, a person's basic ability can be improved through his own efforts.
The fiery Japanese drama "Revisiting the Girl Kono" burned many people. The fashion dress of Satoshi Ishihara in the play dazzles everyone, but what really attracts everyone is not how beautiful the hostess is, but her optimistic attitude full of vitality, perseverance, hard work and energy under any circumstances.
The drama Reading Girl Kono tells the story of a girl who wants to be a fashion editor. Yoko Kono accidentally entered the little-known reading department. In order to realize her dream, she has been studying hard in the reading department to improve her ability, and at the same time, she is moving towards her dream step by step.
In the play, Duan Liyang Kono embodies a typical growth model: in the face of the goal, she persisted in her efforts and was not discouraged after seven years of continuous interviews, even though she was assigned to an obscure proofreading department; When I first faced my new job, I was at a loss, but I was able to keep learning with my strong willpower and make my work very satisfactory to my customers. When her junior was doing her favorite editing job, but complained that she was too bored, she spoke her mind without hesitation: you can't enjoy your work because you never intend to enjoy it, not only your work, but also your life. When I first got bored, I became bored. Whether you can enjoy it or not depends on your mentality.
Inevitably, in the eyes of people with the latter growth thinking mode, work can get more rewards and more happiness.
It must be said that the fixed or growing thinking mode is a kind of belief, a simple belief, but it can play a huge guiding role in a person's life.
Only by establishing a correct thinking mode and learning to look at problems with a correct eye can we better cope with the challenges from emotion, life and occupation.
? Su Cen, a female writer, once said: It is very tiring to be a high-quality person. You can't manage your image, improve your education, or be promoted to an important position ... without hard work. Human nature is very strange, and I always feel that too hard-won achievements will not be glorious enough. So after success, everyone likes to hide their pains and pretend that they are easy to get. Because most people believe this, they have been doing nothing all their lives.
? In the eyes of people with fixed thinking, genius does not need to work hard. Tiger Woods was born with a wave of his hand, and Tolstoy was a masterpiece with a wave of his hand. It is shameful to try to show your incompetence and lack of intelligence. ?
More importantly, once you work hard, there is no way to make excuses. But if you don't work hard, you can say, "I could have filled in the blanks here", "If I studied/worked as hard as he did, I could have filled in the blanks here". ......
1, believe in change
Psychologist Allen Baker found in practice that patients' beliefs caused their problems. Before patients feel bad emotions such as anxiety or depression, some thoughts that have been deeply controlling them quickly flash through their minds. These thoughts may be "he thinks I'm useless" or "this treatment is useless at all, and I can never cure it". These thoughts will often appear in their daily lives, and it is the beliefs behind these thoughts that control them and make them face life and work negatively.
Just learning the growth mode of thinking can bring great changes to people's ideas-"People with growth mode of thinking will not label themselves or lose confidence in themselves. Even if they are depressed, they are ready to take risks, face challenges and continue to fight for them. "
2. Make a plan to grow up thinking mode.
But when we want to change, we usually make a plan to learn something or face a problem.
First of all, we should make a clear goal, and then make a plan. It is important that the plan must be specific: when will it be implemented? Where to make the plan? How to implement the plan? What are the possible interferences? Only in this way can you keep efficient actions and improve the possibility of success.
3, the correct response, not affected by bad emotions.
Imagine that your hard-earned postgraduate entrance examination results have come out. Although you are full of confidence, you still missed out on your favorite school.
What would you think?
I comforted myself that the competition was too fierce and there were too many excellent people, and then I began to doubt myself unconsciously: my skills were not good enough and my ability was not high enough-I was not worthy of this school.
Or reflect on yourself and consider your goals. Maybe you can apply to more schools next time. Maybe at the same time, you should collect information widely: what students do they want to recruit? What quality experience do you value most?
This is a true story. The rejected students adopted some suggestions on the growth thinking mode, and then called the admissions officer of that university: I don't want to question your decision, I just want to know how to improve my application if I want to apply to this school next time.
A few days later, the person in charge called her back: the school accepted her application. It turned out that rejecting her was a dream. Now they appreciate her initiative and decide to recruit another student.
If this student is influenced by emotions and indulges in the loss of falling out of the list, he will miss this precious opportunity-even if he falls out of the list, we can still adopt the thinking mode of growth and suffer, but move on, collect information and make continuous progress.
4. Correctly handle the relationship between thinking mode and willpower.
The best way is not to separate willpower, but to combine it with methods and strategies.
For a simple example, with the improvement of living standards, people are increasingly pursuing a healthy lifestyle. Recently, many relatives around me have started to quit smoking: my uncle, my father and my lover.
When my wife decided to give up smoking, she decided that she could resist the temptation through strong willpower. The first few days were really good, smoking at most three or two cigarettes a day, but after a few days, there were many things in the company, and he began to stay up late to work overtime, and the amount of cigarettes a day rebounded to a pack.
Later, he thought of a way to start smoking e-cigarettes and gradually quit. So far, e-cigarettes are smoked very little, and pharyngitis has been greatly improved.
People with a fixed mind usually think that if you are strong and have enough willpower, you can succeed, but willpower also needs help. Only by combining willpower with methods can we achieve our goals better.
In the book Lifelong Growth, Carol Dwek elaborated in detail the influence of fixed thinking mode and growth thinking mode on our study, emotion and life, and guided us to establish growth thinking mode in the simplest way. The growth thinking mode can not only affect a person, but also affect the family and children. As individuals, the growth thinking mode can change our thinking mode, encourage us to make continuous efforts, help us better achieve our life and career goals, and manage our families well. As parents, the growth thinking mode is a lifelong benefit gift for children.