The name Li Ao is a symbol, which has a profound influence on my adolescence.
Life in the year when high school resumed was boring. There are few former classmates, and there are fewer people to chat with. After class, I have nothing to do. Every time I look out from the back door of the classroom, I can always see a boy standing on the windowsill opposite the classroom of the first high school next door. He is ugly, but he is taller and stronger than 65,438+080. He always wears a tight white T-shirt and jeans, and there is a muscular man among the shriveled boys or little fat people. After a long time, I am always curious, and sometimes I joke with my deskmate. Later, my deskmate met him by chance and only said hello when passing by. I don't like to contact people actively at ordinary times, so I continue to be familiar with them after a while, but I don't know them.
At the end of the floor where the classroom is located, it was used as a reading room. In the afternoon activities, I often look at the magazines inside, and sometimes it is used to hold some exhibitions of teachers and students' paintings or teaching plans. On one occasion, I don't remember what was on display. As usual, I went sightseeing. When I was looking at the works on the wall, I found the boy beside me. When I turned to look at each other, I couldn't remember whether to keep a straight face or smile at each other awkwardly.
Then the boy suddenly said something I didn't expect at all: "Do you know Li Ao?"
Now that I think about it, I think this opening remark is too abrupt. I didn't know how to take it. One is that I really didn't hear the name at that time, and the other is that I can't figure out the meaning of this question. As you can imagine, I just answered in a panic.
So he went on to say: "Li Ao once said that in the past 50 years and 500 years, Li Ao, Li Ao and Li Ao were the top three writers in China."
At that time, these words seemed to have no meaning or logic. Later, when I think of them, I can only understand that the other party has been holding back for a long time and wants to find an opportunity to create a topic.
But this sentence itself really caught my interest at once. The arrogance that overflowed from it, in later terms, was the breath of "Secondary Two", which quickly attracted me at that time. I really want to read the article written by this man.
Then, of course, borrow books from that boy.
The borrowed book is a collection of Li Ao's Monologues under Tradition and Tradition under Monologues, including The Old Man and the Bonzi, which made him famous. The articles are all essays, and there is no "literary talent" as I imagined. I was a little disappointed by the appetite that was hung up by that slogan (after reading his articles, I realized that this kind of "endless words are not surprising" is just a matter of personality, and I can't take many of his big words too seriously). But on the other hand, the content of the article deeply shocked me-at that time, the Internet was not popular, and knowledge could only be absorbed through books. In each of his articles, there is a huge amount of reading, and various historical materials are widely used, which can be used as evidence of his "strange talk". Those arguments were also very new to me at that time, and many of them were from angles I had never thought of. It's like living in a dark wall for a long time. Suddenly, someone threw two bombs and blew out several holes, which immediately penetrated into the opposite sunshine, making me feel happy to enter a new world. There is also the arrogance of not looking at anyone, which also has an inexplicable attraction to rebellious and proud adolescence.
Borrowing a book, just like in Fortress Besieged, is returned when borrowed, and contact is made more than once. After returning the book to that boy, I gradually got to know him. I learned that his name was L, and he lost his father when he was very young. Sometimes, after school, he passes by his shop and sees his beautiful mother. We don't have any friends, so when we are free, we will sit by the window together, look at the scenery outside the window, tell each other our own stories, listen to him talk about his past experiences, and talk about the girl he likes but is afraid to confess, and pass some boring time. His grades were not very good, and he stayed for two grades. I was two years younger than my peers, so their age and grades were reversed. He doesn't read casual books at ordinary times, but I'm a reader and I don't have much money to buy books, so I borrowed some books from him and went home every night after studying by myself. Except for some papers that I have to do, I spent most of the evening reading idle books. So in the months before the college entrance examination, I often read and copied books until a little after midnight, and got up sleepy the next morning to go to class, completely ignoring the college entrance examination. On second thought, I don't know if I should be a little disappointed.
Later, when I was seen by my family on an occasion, I realized that there were still some in-laws between the two families. The family said they heard that he was "mentally ill", but we had been in contact for a while and found nothing unusual except that he felt a little jumping in his mind. Maybe this is a sign of some kind of personality disorder? Or maybe I'm insane. After entering the university, I sent two letters sporadically, but his thinking still lacked logic, and I never understood what he was saying. Once he said that he saw me in the street during the winter vacation, but his face was still very cold and he didn't say hello to me. "Cold" is probably the same impression between us, so friendship also lacks temperature. We have already contacted OICQ, but we are blacklisted because of a little thing that we don't remember (maybe we were misunderstood or stabbed because we couldn't accept what the other party said). He wrote me a letter, which was equally cold and blunt, as if there was another parting word, and I didn't reply. It's a pity that two people Li Ao knew learned Li Ao's meanness and intolerance. I have always had the habit of keeping everything intact, but I didn't keep any of his letters because of a temporary passion. Then I remembered how much I regretted it.
The boy standing by the window, like a kite with a broken thread, seldom thinks about how he is living now.
Li Ao's books, but I read some later. The summer after the college entrance examination, I bought a pirated copy of The Complete Works of Li Ao at a street stall (it is much more difficult to buy genuine copies there than pirated ones), and the pirated ones are worthy of readers. The book is very thick, the words are very small, the typesetting is very dense, and there are many articles, so I can't tell which book it is. I can't wait to put all his articles in, just worthy of the word "complete works" on the cover. The book stayed with me all summer, and the most impressive passage was that he mentioned Kong Rong's "parents are ungrateful to their children". The seemingly absurd statement hit it off with me who was entangled with my parents all day at that time. It turns out that I am not the only one in the world who has such a "rebellious" idea. After the summer vacation, I took this book to college before I finished reading it, but it was later occupied by fresh college life. After reading "Yu Jie Killed Kong Dong Qing", which was all the rage at that time, I gradually developed some aesthetic fatigue towards this group of "lunatics". In addition, I found that there were many repetitions in his article, and I was not particularly interested. I didn't finish reading the remaining half. I remembered this book when I went home to tidy up the bookshelf last month, but I couldn't find it.
Later, I probably only watched Li Ao's Pleasure, Enjoyment and Enemy and Beijing Fayuan Temple. Combined with his quick talk in the media, I feel that Li Ao is a very complicated person. He can choose to be a serious scholar, but he prefers the attitude of dance academy. He can see through the reality and has done a lot of things he knows he can't do with the passion of a scholar. He is not fit to be a politician, but he intervened in the election of the president and legislators and put everyone on articles and TV. I always think that his meanness and rage are the traumatic stress reaction brought by prison life. The result of his unwillingness to show weakness was that he persistently scolded the Kuomintang and Chiang Kai-shek all his life. Perhaps it is the meaning of his life to keep a high-spirited attitude forever, but the world needs such people to exist. You can think that he can't change anything, but you can't deny the significance of his existence.
Li Ao admired the literati in Wei and Jin Dynasties, but it is hard to say how many achievements were involved in those perverse words and deeds. His ex-wife said that Li Ao in life was a boring precision instrument, but he tried his best to create a unique and grotesque image when he appeared in public. When he was sentenced to only three years' life by the doctor, he also claimed to meet all his enemies and laugh heartily. He simply tried his best to turn his life into a vigorous performance art, so we can often see the opposite of things through those exaggerated remarks. In his smug love story, the deepest entanglement is his short marriage with Hu Yinmeng. After a few short months of marriage, he hated it for decades, but my affection for Hu Yinmeng doubled. Especially after reading her self-report, I think she is the more transparent one. Behind the overwhelming attack is the pride and loneliness of talented people. Although Hu Yinmeng later changed her name to study numerology and astrology, which surprised me, maybe it was also a way for her to embrace her destiny.
I don't think much of his many affairs. The smug sentences such as "She is having an affair and I have a skill" mentioned in Xiaotun sound almost shameless, but he is so keen on shaping his love image that I really can't interest him. So after I saw the cover introduction, I didn't want to read the book "Up the Mountain, Up the Mountain, Love".
But he still has a deep influence on me. When I was in college, Mr. Ma Zhe assigned a paper, and the topic I chose was "Marginal People". Although I didn't know how to write the paper at that time, I wrote a lyric article directly, but some ideas, including wording and sentences, were obviously influenced by Li Ao. Only later, when the Internet became more and more developed, he appeared in the media more and more times, and his remarks became more and more out of line. Compared with the articles I liked in those years, they were all carefully researched and written in history, and there were many grandstanding elements, so I paid little attention to him.
Until I saw the news of Li Ao's death.
I remembered these words in those days.
I miss those days when I was reading at night, and I miss the breeze blowing by the window.
(20 18.03)