Introduce yourself first, girl. I am 24 years old. I graduated from a key university in Beijing, 2 1 1. I have had two off-and-on work experiences. Now I am preparing for the qualification examination, hoping to have a skill.
The first time I met bad luck, I thought it was accidental.
Tell me what I have experienced in the past ten years. I have been very smart since I was a child, and my academic performance has always been good. I can say that I am very energetic. I don't have to spend too much time on my homework. Primary schools can generally get one or two grades, especially in terms of reciting, and have the ability to recite. After entering junior high school, even if there are more outstanding people in the school, I have been in the top ten of the whole grade. I am proud of my personality, which may be related to my good grades, but it also brings some benefits invisibly. When I was in primary school, there were many boys in my class who liked me, but they were all afraid. I also hated classmates discussing these related topics.
In junior high school, I was still very close to boys, but I was always indifferent to boys who liked me. Until the second half of the second semester of the second day of junior high school, it may be the change of personality in the process of youth development, or it may be fate. I am no longer so indifferent, and the ice and snow in my heart entangled by several boys are gradually melting. I began to think about these things for boys and girls at ordinary times (it didn't involve sex at that time), that is, I began to be in a daze and began to pay attention. At that time, it may be a vanity pet, but it is not a bad thing to feel deeply concerned by others, and it is not so disgusting. In the boring study, I became the "after dinner" of my thoughts. The average girl will have this idea in adolescence. Of course, I also think this is normal, and it has not harmed the interests of others. It should not harm me. Later, I was proved wrong, but that was ten years later.
That's when my life took a turn for the worse. Whether it is health or luck (of course, I didn't know what luck was at that time, and I never believed it), I can still remember the changes ten years ago. My grade in the final exam of the second grade of junior high school was surprisingly outrageous. I fell from the first in my class to thirteen, and my grade ranking fell to one hundred and thirty. I think it's strange that even if it's fun for a while, there shouldn't be such a big fluctuation. I don't know why. I just felt humiliated for a while, and then I will continue to work hard. In the third grade, we were divided into classes. The former head teacher left me in her class because I had good grades before. At that time, she hoped that I would be among the best in the city in the senior high school entrance examination and bring her honor. Of course, she doesn't know that my aura has faded. That fall was not a mistake, but just the beginning.
In middle school, the situation was repeated.
In the third year, pain followed.
Perhaps according to modern values, it is understandable that girls long for spring, which is a normal physiological phenomenon. However, when lust rises and righteousness retreats, bad luck comes. Although this is intangible, the truth of life is like this. The etiquette followed by the ancients is despised by modern people, but it is actually the experience of being a man summed up by several generations. However, we should talk about individuality now, break the old and break through the tradition, but I think we will still follow the teachings of our predecessors after several generations. It's just another few generations to sacrifice.
I clearly remember that on the first day of my junior year, I was the representative of the math class. The teacher asked us to do the problem and finished her class. She didn't bring a book that day, so she used my exercise book to talk about the problem. Then in the next hour, she kept finding that my questions were either miscalculated or decimal, and almost a dozen questions were wrong. This teacher has a super bad temper. This evening self-study has become my criticism meeting, and now I think about it in a cold sweat. Then all my classes were in a hurry, and nothing was right. Teachers talk to me, and some teachers encourage me. Some teachers are just sarcastic in class (I should hope I will fight back). My parents thought that I might be caused by the pressure of the senior high school entrance examination, so they enlightened and encouraged me, but it was useless. My grades have plummeted and I can't stop.
I study harder than before, but I feel that I can't remember the book I just read as soon as I close the book. I didn't experience it at that time, and I didn't think about it. I'm just confused about my change and want to go back to the past. Many people have advised me that girls will lack stamina at this critical time of grade three. You're just one of the few years ago, so don't be hard on yourself. But I never believed that girls were much worse than boys in ability, so I worked harder, but there was no miracle.
At that time, my sky was all gray This is not a literary description. Looking back on that year now, I feel that the sky is extremely gloomy, but I feel that that year gave me a great blow. In addition to grades, physical changes have followed. I started to run to the toilet frequently. We had a 45-minute class, and I can't wait. Later, the family knew that frequent urination was related to kidney deficiency, but no one believed that a little girl of 15 years old would have kidney deficiency. Later, I went to see an old Chinese doctor, and frequent urination was cured. But catching a cold often is not so easy to solve. I catch a cold three times a month, and the usual symptom of a cold is a high fever. Now I can't remember how I got through it. My personality has gradually changed, from arrogance to inferiority, and my relationship with my classmates has become very tense.
Because of my good foundation, I was finally admitted to high school, but I had no honor, just ordinary.
I began to think about sex in the second day of junior high school. I don't remember whether I masturbated or not. Maybe, but certainly not many, otherwise I don't remember. Female masturbation is different from male masturbation. The excitement after being stimulated can only be produced by clamping the thigh, which is also a kind of masturbation.
My study in high school is the same as that in grade three, but many students have been to different schools, so I don't know my past Excellence, and my psychological pressure is much less. Still in poor health, getting fatter and fatter. Genetically speaking, I should be extremely thin. In any case, everything began to take an unusual path.
I still work hard because I have faith-from beginning to end, I feel that I am only temporarily off track.
But the effect is minimal.
When I went to high school, I found an ordinary classmate to fall in love because of a boy's slander. (Just campus love, not too much involved. ) I took another wrong step and took another step on the road of adultery. At home, my temper is getting bigger and bigger, and I have a little fight with my parents. In fact, our family is very happy and warm, but I have changed, and no one knows why. In the past three years, I have come into contact with some books, such as Norwegian Forest, and erotic description excites me. We should also consciously look for books on this subject. There is nothing wrong with taking them out to stimulate themselves when they feel empty and frustrated at that time.
Speaking of shame and psychological pressure, I think I am still deeply influenced by modern education. I don't think I'm hurting others, I'm just selfish. Why not? Generally speaking, this habit is really related to the lack of sex education in China families. Physically mature, they can only grope and judge what should and should not be. Of course, proper masturbation in junior high school physics health class is harmless for a reason, that is, I am afraid that my lust can't control and do things that hurt others. After all, how can this Buddhist philosophy of life appear in textbooks?
Later, I paid a hundred thousand points of effort, which was equivalent to a thousand points. I have been admitted to a university-a key university in Beijing, and some people may say that I am not satisfied. But what about you?
The eve of the college entrance examination is also very strange. I used to be very good at English. Seven hundred students in my grade rank sixth or seventh in English. But one month before the college entrance examination, I suddenly found that a lot of knowledge became strange, just like learning for the first time. I felt too stressed at that time and didn't think much. But there is no miracle in the college entrance examination, and I failed English (ridiculous). The second evil thing is a sudden high fever in the morning of the college entrance examination. My parents are frantic with anxiety. Fortunately, I was calm and persisted in finishing the last exam with a cold.
It can be said that my ancestors have accumulated virtue and my parents are good people, so I, a prostitute, also went to college.
Of course, college is more painful.
I'm sorry, I have turned out all the past pains in detail. I know there is such a person-the more knowledge, the stronger the skepticism, and always feel that other people's experiences are different from their own, and their comfort does not match their own. I will also write in detail about all kinds of ups and downs during my four years of college and two years of work. If there is something similar to you, please calm your restless heart, put down some ideas you have accepted in this era and think about your life carefully. Should we put down our stubbornness and repent of the present?
I will continue to tell you about my later sufferings and how Buddhism woke me up and made me understand that ten years of bad luck were all my own making.
In college, nothing was achieved.
The university was decadent from the beginning.
The weakness during military training left a deep impression on all college students, that is, prostitution was at work. I haven't felt better since I got into this bad habit. When I was in college, my health became worse and worse, and I began to feel sleepy, which means I can fall asleep when I lie in bed during the day. That feeling is more like fainting, because I feel more tired when I sleep; I used to be a diligent person. During my college years, my classmates called me a lazy cat because I was sleepy. Perhaps because of this, the body began to gain weight again, but the appetite was too small to eat at all. When I found cholecystitis in my second year of high school, I felt that there was only suffering in life, which was very depressing. One day, I woke up feeling that my right face was swollen and my eyes were bulging (it was just a feeling that followed me for many years)-I didn't go to the hospital at all because how could I describe this strange disease to others? I can only bear it. For me, the most unbearable physical pain is fatigue. I'm too tired to walk every day. Really, I'm always moving. What can such an institution achieve?
Let's start with the grades I value. I failed three times. Maybe you think it's common in college. But my world collapsed here, and I couldn't get what I wanted. All the students around me live a comfortable life, and they don't work hard. I didn't pass any certificate, even a very simple one. I took the exam twice and failed.
Classmate relationship-I haven't dealt with any male classmates. This is who I used to be liked by many people. Without people's vitality, there is nothing beautiful. This is the reason for the loss of righteousness. Middle school students always ask me if I fell in love in college, saying that no one believes me. Finally, I ask, there are always many people chasing you, right? How do they know that the girl they once regarded as beautiful is so ordinary, but who can blame it?
It's not that I deliberately don't develop interpersonal relationships. It's really because I've been afraid for four years, afraid of dealing with people, afraid of voices and lewdness. Harmful, but more than that.
Because I felt that I couldn't cope with everything related to my study, I vowed not to take the postgraduate entrance examination as soon as I entered the school gate. I want to drop out of college and stay away from books and sadness.
But I'm afraid to associate with people. Besides work, interview is a big problem. Moreover, my resume has no extraordinary English ability, no honorary certificate, just ordinary. My road is very difficult, but I still want to stay in Beijing. I don't want to be defeated like this. Returning to our small city will go against my original intention of going to college.
It is even more difficult to enter the society.
Finally, I entered an internship in a big company. I worked very hard and was soon entrusted with a heavy responsibility. But at this time, I saw the retribution of prostitution coming again. My brain couldn't keep up with the slightly complicated work at all and made a low-level mistake. Make mistakes repeatedly and value the boss. My colleagues are very dissatisfied with me. What else can I say? I had to quit my job when I was young and just graduated.
I'm not looking for another job, I just want to stop and think about it before I struggle. I've thought a lot. I think maybe I haven't suffered since I was a child, and I haven't been into society, but I haven't thought about luck. I have been very self-motivated since I was a child and feel that I can get it as long as I work hard.
After stopping, I have to rely on my parents to eat and drink, and I feel so guilty. Standing in front of the rented house every day, I wonder if Beijing is really not my blessed land and should I leave, but I have nowhere to go. In recent years, I have a sense of fear. Only Beijing is familiar with it, and other places are even more afraid to go.
There is a habit in our family. Every year on New Year's Eve, we will burn incense to the Guanyin statue at home and express our wishes for the coming year. I have been hoping to get better for many years, and it is estimated that my parents may have made this wish. My decadence has become the heart disease of my family. Dad always says it will be fine this year, but I can vaguely feel that the haze is still far away.
Coming to Beijing to find a job next year is a great determination and a greater blow. Not answering the phone within two months is very low, but this is what goes around comes around. Many young people don't believe this, but think about it, with my working experience in key universities and famous enterprises, how could I not be called? Such an evil thing makes sense, but I didn't understand it at that time.
At this time, my mother came to Beijing. She began to believe in Buddhism in those years, but she didn't convince me to believe in Buddhism because she had never seen any examples of karma around her. I only read Jade Calendar and Shou Kang Vernacular Rare Book when I am at home. I think what they wrote is just like Amway's sales story. I just look at it. Now that I think about it, maybe the fate of Buddha hasn't arrived yet. My mother was anxious when she was at home, so she donated money to help print scriptures. Perhaps it is for this reason that she suddenly got three interview opportunities and succeeded at the same time. But I didn't quit, this time it just gave me a chance. I went to work in a well-known enterprise again, doing the lowest-level work, but I worked hard, hoping that my life would get better from now on (every time I worked hard), and soon my work performance dropped rapidly from the best for no reason. At the same time, a girl in the department ran around me (later I learned that she was afraid that I would compete with her for the team leader), and I learned that there was no room for promotion at work and began to feel depressed. But I still love my job, because the job-hunting experience that I didn't hear from gave me great stimulation. How dare I resign easily? At this time, the financial crisis came and the company began to cut salaries, but I still put up with it, because I had nothing and was satisfied with a job. But karma came, and our manager and that girl framed my performance for fraud and forced me to resign. Unemployed again
At this time, I have no energy to find a job. I sleep at home every day. My cholecystitis is getting worse and worse, and I still have plum blossom (I don't know what it's called for half a year). My pouch has been hanging for four years and hasn't moved. How can I believe you can't sleep well? Every time you brush your teeth, you will bleed a lot; Still very tired, my legs are heavy and weak, and I can't walk.
At the end of another year, I went home.
Animal year, the first turning point
I feel refreshed at home, so I decided to get a qualification certificate and have a skill. My parents encouraged me again. Over the years, they have encouraged me countless times, but I have never brought them glory since I was admitted to the university.
As you can see, although I failed countless times, I finally started again and continued my efforts. In the past ten years, only my family and best friends know about my inner pain, but I asked them, are these pains what I want to eat? Everyone denies it, because God is not hungry, and life without hunger and cold is not bitter. I don't think I slept on the overpass and ate a meal cooked by Rainbow Bao Qiang all day, but I didn't live comfortably. My heart has been suffering, so it is also painful, only those who have experienced it know.
It is this year, my birth year, that I set foot in Beijing to prepare for the exam. My wish for the Spring Festival this year is that it will not come soon, and when I am at home, all the signs feel that my life will start from scratch and my physical condition is gradually improving. My mother knows Chinese acupuncture and rarely masturbates at home. With the hope of my parents, I broke off any contact with my classmates and began to study behind closed doors. But without abstinence, the learning efficiency is as good as usual. At first, I was firm. After several months, I still feel that my head is empty and I have learned nothing. In recent years, my mental arithmetic ability is very poor, and I am very troubled when I study. I feel that my mind is full of porridge and I can't figure out my thoughts. But I still tried intermittently until the end of July. I am bored and scared when reading. I watch TV and surf the Internet every day to forget the pain. I have called my parents and cried many times, but I know that this is the only way I can go. I will go back to work and still have the same position and income. Going home is an impossible choice. But I still can't read.
The turning point of life, the change of Buddhism
It should be the fifteenth day of the sixth lunar month. Once again, I took out some Buddhist books at home to comfort myself, and it was "Shou Kang Baojian Vernacular". Those stories that were once ridiculously simple suddenly reminded me of a question: The book says that there will be retribution for lewd thoughts, so will there be retribution for masturbation? (Because the word masturbation is not mentioned in the book) So I turned on the computer and Baidu searched for "masturbation and harm". Suddenly, I saw someone answering the question about the harm of masturbation to health and luck on Baidu's website. Then I said: If you don't believe me, you can go to the abstinence forum. Many people have experienced it personally. I quickly went to the forum to read the stories of those netizens, and then I almost I can believe that I finally found the key (in the past ten years, I always felt that there should be a key to open the lock that locked me up for my problems, and I have been looking for it). I have tirelessly read the personal experiences written by everyone in the forum, and feel that the sufferings and grievances suffered in the past ten years have been solved. I don't know whether to be happy or sorry. ...
In the past ten years, I suddenly feel that living is meaningful. I believe all the problems can be solved. I can still pursue many dreams and think a lot in college. I also compare the stories of netizens in the forum of abstinence from sex and prostitution every day, which is too similar. But most of them are stories of boys. Based on my experience, I think: there are more psychosexuality among women, mostly from the age of 12. At that age, no one would realize that thinking about men and women casually would harm themselves, so when I was in middle school, I always heard the teacher say that girls were never inferior to boys in their studies, but no one should have thought it was this reason. After a long time, most of the outstanding girls in the past have become ordinary, and they can't get out without Buddha. Unless you make up your mind not to have feelings with casual men and women, modern people have almost no instinctive resistance. After all, modern people prefer a free life. Men, on the other hand, mature late, and most masturbation habits are frequent during college, so the sudden and sharp decline in health and luck is easy to be detected. Moreover, boys will not be ashamed to talk about this aspect, and it is easy to find examples to take as a warning. Here, I also hope that sisters who have the same experience can read my article and relieve your confusion.
Of course, I just don't understand. I immediately decided to quit and never do it again. Although girls are easier than boys (after all, books and websites are mostly naked women), they still have erotic ideas. On the other hand, there are not many girls who have actually seen porn, and there are very few around me anyway. In college, I downloaded one or two movies out of curiosity. I felt sick after I got excited, so I deleted it again. But when I was free, I went to look for it again. No one is watching. We discussed it. You might say that's their hypocrisy. In fact, the world itself is not yellow, and someone has to think about it, so his eyes only have those unclean things.
In the next day or two, I sincerely repented of the Tibetan King and Bodhisattva at home, expressing my repentance, and donated money to the Suzhou Red Flower Society to help seal the scriptures, hoping to recover soon. After all, I have an exam in less than a month. I want to recover quickly and work harder. Within three days, I began to recite, and found that my memory was restored, so I remembered it. I think this is the reason why I quit prostitution and no longer consume my body. Suddenly, I feel that my fear has disappeared, and my whole body is full of righteousness. Walking on the road feels different. But after a few days of excitement, I suddenly fell into a loss. When I endorsed it, I found it annoying to be unable to concentrate, which is also a problem that I have been annoyed with in recent years. When I was studying, I had a lot of chores in my heart, so I couldn't concentrate on my studies at all, so I began to doubt again. ...
I don't think I helped print the scriptures. I really regret it, but how did my body recover so slowly? How helpful can that be to my study? I began to watch TV and surf the Internet in a daze, trying to forget the pressure of exams. About three days later, I went to my home to read a book "Enlightenment" and saw that it said, "You must first believe that you can be transformed, and then you must believe in Buddhism." Suddenly I feel that I still can't believe that I can quickly restore my life in just a few words (I looked down on Buddhism at that time); The sixth time, I also talked about humiliation and said that I should endure success. After reading this, I felt much calmer and began to work hard again. At first, I was still confused. What I saw on TV, what my friends said, and any trivial things bothered my study, but I still put up with it. Of course, during this period, I also found many mantras to recite sincerely: the Great Compassion Mantra, the Empty Tibetan Mantra (to increase my memory), and the better eight-character mantra of Vived's mantras (hehe, hehe, hehe, hehe). Another day later, I found it on the Internet. As long as I strengthen my satisfaction, I can gradually calm down. I was enlightened at that time, and just when I thought I was as calm as water, I was in a bad environment, but I was content with peace. Later, I strengthened my sense of contentment and was very calm when I was studying.
These days, I woke up in the morning and recited Buddhist scriptures before studying. A month ago, I couldn't do one chapter of exercises a day. Now I can do two chapters of exercises a day. The boundless Buddhism really makes me feel so ignorant. When I finish the exam, I will take learning Buddhist scriptures as a compulsory course.
Maybe you want to believe in Buddhism, but you feel that there are too many constraints, but I want to say that life should be spent with caution. After all, no one can afford bad luck.
Maybe you will say that you have had a "slight" lust like me, but there is no bad luck. Then I think you should have many blessings in your last life. Please don't spoil it any more, it will be used up one day. Maybe you will say that you have repented and recited the scriptures, but your recovery is not good. Please don't doubt that you may make more mistakes. Take your time, and sincerity will have an effect. In short, don't doubt Buddhism with your head.
An article I read the other day said: The greatest happiness in this life is to meet Buddhism, and I think this is also my feeling at the moment.
This is the end of my story. From June 15 to today, I recovered well.
In addition, I would like to say that the reason why I can suddenly get out of this decade's bad luck is related to my mother chanting and praying at home every day, thanks to my family.
From unbelief to sincere belief in Buddhism, can't my change inspire you? Take control of your own destiny and stop sticking to your own opinions.