There is a concept in psychology called be elated. That's an English word. Its original meaning is brilliant as a flower. I think it is very accurate to describe this positive, energetic and energetic state with high spirits.
Is it necessary to live so happily? Can you really live happily? The current scientific research proves that such a state is particularly meaningful to our life, work and health, and there are also scientific methods to achieve it. So we think this can be done and should be done, a concept of positive psychology.
Psychology is a compassionate heart. In other words, everything you say, think and do is right. Is there evidence, method and logic? So happiness, positivity and happiness are actually the same problem. Even if there are scientific methods to prove it, there are many conclusions to prove that this state exists. It has a physiological basis, it has a physical and mental reaction, it has concrete consequences, it can make you healthy, live longer 10 years, it can make more money, it can also make your love relationship more perfect, and it can make your children healthier. Therefore, it has a certain basis. We say that this method can be done and should be pursued. So it's not difficult. We didn't know that before.
How to apply positive psychology? Then let's define this matter first, that is, what is happiness. There are almost a thousand concepts of happiness, and there are many discussions in dictionaries and academic circles. I define happiness as meaningful happiness. On the contrary, this is the wisdom of our Chinese nation. We use two different concepts to express happiness and happiness. In fact, English is not as good as ours. Happiness means happiness and happiness, in the same happiness. Therefore, as a China person, it is meaningful to understand happiness, which is my new psychological definition.
Many people in China are generally unhappy. There are many reasons, including social reasons, cultural reasons and their own reasons. First, social reasons. Is that our society is developing too fast. We have been paying attention to the material growth and the improvement of living standards, but we have not paid attention to appreciating our inner feelings. Many of us work because it is conducive to career development, family support and increase our income. This is the purpose and value of our work. Sometimes we have to think about whether this job can make us live happily. This is because some changes in our society are too hasty to keep up. Second, our interpersonal relationship and social relationship. We compete too much, compare too much, compare too much, and always want to go to Tsinghua, Peking University. Actually, it's not necessary As long as we are active, intelligent and love learning, we can have a good career. However, there is such a social pressure. Happiness is a state of life and a state of mind. It can be seen, touched, grasped and even measured. There are many scientific methods. For example, we know that it is very important to have four neurochemical transmitters when you are happy. If you don't have them, you will not be happy. One is dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, which are particularly important for our happy feelings of physical and mental state. So it's not empty, empty because you don't know.
"Happiness is meaningful happiness", and I can prove it wrong. You can prove why some people are happy there, but they can't reach the realm of happiness. This is a very important condition. This is one of the most important differences between science and the viewpoint put forward by scientist Kuhn, which is its falsifiability. The other is its logical consistency. This is science. This is about logical consistency.
The trap of happiness: driving away the smoke of the soul. How to compare with others correctly? Because you said before, people like it better than it, but it's hard to do it if it's really better than it. You said that a person can't live better than others. How to compare is correct? This is to have a freedom of mind. In other words, I can choose how to compete and when to compete with whom. It depends on your purpose, your function and your needs. Because I am different from Ma Yun. The direction of pursuit is different, the values are different, and the life experience is different. Compared with all positive psychology, he knows what he looks like, but with different reference standards, different reference directions and different reference groups. Therefore, people need to know their own life from multiple dimensions, rather than just staring at one point of others. Their children went to Tsinghua, mine didn't, so I couldn't stand it, that's all.
There is a cognitive error. Professor Kahneman, winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics, proposed it in 2002. This kind of cognitive error is called a clear thinking misunderstanding. That is to say, when we compare, we often compare other people's distinctive characteristics and flashing characteristics. In other words, compared with others, we often compare the advantages and advantages of others. He doesn't compare with the overall situation of others, and you don't understand the overall situation of others. Compared with Ma Yun, the first thing you think of is his advantages-money, but you don't think of his shortcomings. The point is, I think he is under a lot of pressure. What he undertakes and the opponents he faces are absolutely unimaginable at our level. In an instant, hundreds of millions of RMB will be gone, and this pressure is too great. Therefore, we should learn to look at our life from a flexible perspective and find rich dimensions. There is also subjective enthusiasm, which means it is very important. Positive attitude, in fact, the goals, directions and groups you choose can be changed at any time.
"Desire" does not mean "like"? We like one thing, we long for one thing, and this is a completely different neural channel. Needs and desires are different. Desire is what we like and pursue, and it is often not necessarily what we need in life. What we really need is affection, health, happiness, good interpersonal relationship and a certain degree of social recognition, which is very important. For people, such needs are our real needs. Many desires may be shaped by society, imposed by culture and even misled by others. It is actually very important to correctly distinguish what you want from what you must have.
The process of subtraction is not easy. The so-called house slaves, child slaves and famous school slaves have extremely rigid desires for this. This desire is imposed by social culture, but it is actually unnecessary.
As long as I have a bed, I can sleep; I just need a book, and I can feel at ease. Not much is not bad. More confusion, in fact, small but refined, people's quality of life has improved more.
The core is to establish a correct view of happiness.
There is a psychological theory called embodied cognition. That is, we used to think that concepts were in the brain and existed in the hippocampus. In fact, it stirs the whole body in the form of neurons and produces bioelectric reactions. Therefore, it is reasonable to say that knowledge and practice are integrated, so it is called embodied cognition. So if you take such action, you can get such a reaction, which is complementary and interlinked.
Darwin has a very important theory, which is called muscle feedback theory. You pretend to be a muscle, your brain will interpret it, and you will be happy. This is why an actor can cry, laugh, be crazy and make noise, because he knows some specific muscle control methods. Therefore, his physical performance and emotional mobilization are all because he can mobilize his physical and mental state and produce corresponding experiences. Lead-in effect is that we used to think that thoughts are directing our actions, but this study tells you that your actions will in turn affect your thoughts, with the top affecting the top and the bottom affecting the top, and the two complement each other. So we say that when you are unhappy, you can do something that makes you happy, and the effect of doing so is a positive, happy and happy experience.
Unhappy, he should do something.
First, the fastest is the sense of smell. Our sense of smell can work without going through the brain. Because there is an emotional processing center called amygdala, right behind our nose. All other feelings go through the brain. For example, you are glad to hear a voice, right? But you have to think about who and why. But this sense of smell is very strange, it is a direct response. Smelling incense may be the fastest way to adjust your mood, because it is immediate. In ancient China, there was a saying that a gentleman wears incense. Prepare some essential oil, sesame oil and soap at home. If you are in a bad mood, taking a clean bath, putting on new clothes and smelling the fresh air will actually make you happy. So it is the fastest, solve the problem immediately.
Stop and smell the roses!
Second, take a deep breath. That is, we humans have sympathetic and parasympathetic nerves. One is to make us excited, and the other is to make us quiet. Then when our parasympathetic nerves are activated, people feel very good. So when you are angry, a wave of anger arises spontaneously, and you can take a deep breath, so you can calm down. These are all ways to solve your emotions. All our psychological activities are protective mechanisms of evolutionary selection. Are reasonable and necessary. For example, anxiety is actually necessary. If you have an exam tomorrow, you are not nervous and anxious at all, and you will definitely fail. There must be simple and profound wisdom, and this wisdom is the protection mechanism chosen by evolution, so negative emotions are actually necessary and the first requirement. This is called, I often say that unhappiness makes you live, but happiness makes you live well. There is no need to completely resist these unhappy feelings. And can't resist, because this is a natural protection mechanism. When we say that we are sad, sadness is actually protective. If you are sad, someone will care about you and support you. This is a social cry for help. If you are in trouble, you don't show it, but you must pretend to be happy, then you won't get help. So whether you can show weakness is actually very important to the relationship between husband and wife. What we are saying is that if there is really a soft feeling between husband and wife, then this kind of love will come into being. Why did Xu Zhimo say that I bowed my head and loved your tenderness, and then I had love. Sometimes, we should never think that it is a good thing to be happy and positive forever. There must be a degree and a proportion.
How can I find that kind of happy feeling in the workplace?
The first is to realize what the purpose of work is. In other words, in fact, in addition to supporting the family and making money, there is another purpose of work, that is, to make yourself happy and positive, and to let yourself see the future and goals. Therefore, I often talk about a particularly important workplace training, that is, it is very important to know what other significance your job has besides income. It is this job that makes me have a good team relationship, which is very important. The salary is not high, but the team members are very kind to me, or this job gives me a kind of social respect. Although the salary I work in this enterprise is not high, this enterprise is a national key enterprise. Can win glory for the country and benefit the people. This sense of meaning is also very important. This is why the working class in China used to think that my company was a state-owned enterprise and an important pillar of the country, although I worked hard. In other words, we really have to believe in the importance of meaning to people. We underestimated it before, because you didn't feel the meaning, so people should live the meaning of work. Therefore, knowing its value, its significance and its help to oneself and the country is actually a very important sense of happiness at work. This is the first one, that is, the significance of finding a job is very important.
The second is to find the path of growth. In other words, we should actually think about it. You will retire in the future, and you will grow old in the future. Whether this job has a future or life-long value for yourself is actually very important. So we must find something that can be done for a long time. Now some industries make quick money and cheat people, which may make you make a lot of money at once, but once this company goes bankrupt, you have no future. Your experience, your resume are embarrassed to take it out. I have worked in this company, so you don't have to. Therefore, people still have to take a long-term view.
The third is the self-control I just mentioned, and the adjustment of self-mentality is also very important. Sometimes it's actually important to hone yourself for your happiness. We used to think that people with patience have a hard life, but now we find that people with patience actually live a happier life in the future. Why? His higher social status and better income from work have a great influence on his future, so he should have self-control. Delayed gratification is a kind of self-control. In fact, if you can take these exercises in the workplace as an exercise, you will feel different. This time is the time to practice, and it will be different soon. Epiktetos, a Greek philosopher, famously said that it is often not the thing itself that affects us greatly, but how we look at it.
Stoicism is a very important theoretical source of our positive psychology. Is to control what you can control and then find its meaning to understand it. We don't tell him that you want to change your job, but what kind of job you want to find. You can't swim, and it's no use changing the pool. The core is actually what you think. Positive psychology, especially science, emphasizes truth. We used to think that preaching was useless and those methods were useful. In fact, many methods vary from person to person, from place to place and from time to time. It's different people, different places and different times. In fact, its effect is different. What is really useful must be the avenue, so positive psychology, even psychology itself, is reasonable. So read positive psychology, it is meaningful and valuable for you.
False fatigue is actually unhappiness and unhappiness. This is not real fatigue, it is a kind of psychological fatigue. This is your own loss, not your job at all. For example, we are sometimes called boring. What do you mean? I'm not busy at all. I have nothing, but I'm bored and I feel very tired at that time. You see, when you are bored, you are sleepy and bored, and you can't do anything. Why? In fact, this is a kind of false fatigue, which is caused by one's own psychological state.
Another misunderstanding is that we take the length of time as the standard of fatigue. Even if you work 18 hours a day, you must be very tired. But sometimes when you are happy, this 18 hour passes quickly, so psychology emphasizes subjective feelings and psychological feelings. But many of us are still realistic, depending on how much it costs and how long it takes. He defined this as whether we are tired or not. In fact, mental fatigue is the real fatigue.
You can't refuse many jobs. If you want to go, you have to find a way to turn it into something you can enjoy. It's beautiful and happy. "Let the Bullets Fly" Jiang Wen said that even if you stand, you earn money. If you can't be condescending, you must be magnanimous. At this time, you are also happy to make money. In fact, the core is your opinion. Your ability to see things, not the thing itself, has no unique nature.
It's a bad thing that your friends don't call you. But think about it, maybe if something happens to him, you will care about him. If your friend doesn't call you and you think he ignores you, then your attitude and feelings are very bad. So when you look at the same thing, your thoughts are different and your mentality is completely different.
How to become a popular person? Do people need to be a heartthrob? Everyone likes you.
This is actually a psychological feeling. Theoretically, you don't need someone, but if you think everyone loves you, it feels good, so it's a psychological need, and no one likes to be rejected or abandoned. You can think about it. If everyone doesn't invite you to a meeting and friends don't take you to dinner, you will feel very uncomfortable at this time, and even have some physical problems, so you will be shivering, cold, heavy breathing, gas knot and so on. This is because social needs are human nature. Tens of millions of years of evolutionary history, the solitary one has been eaten by animals, and the rest are crowded people. Therefore, our human genes are mutually beneficial, so fighting alone and being selfish is actually eliminated, and mutual benefit can keep us alive, so mutual benefit is our nature. Anyone who goes against this nature will be embarrassed and sad, but if we conform to this nature, we will be happy and positive.
Then some people think that he can't integrate into other people's circles, that is, he doesn't like to associate with them, but he is uncomfortable and lonely. How to solve this? At this time, you have to change. This is Festinger's method. You must do three things.
First, you should change your understanding of them. You don't want to associate with them because you think they don't deserve, are not good, and don't deserve. To put it another way, this is the first one. You can find their advantages, you can find their specialties, you can find someone you like, or you can blend in. The second one changes himself. It's okay. Sometimes, maybe I want to change my personality, maybe I want to change my behavior habits. In particular, behavior habits can be changed, and personality is difficult to change, but life habits and behavior habits can be changed, especially smart people, smart people and people with self-control ability. So, change others, change yourself, change the scene. What do you mean, that is to say, I can't integrate into this group, there is always a group that can integrate. I can change places and people. This is Festinger. He has a theory called cognitive dissonance. That is, whenever my desires or actions are contradictory, I will definitely have cognitive dissonance. At this time I will change, change me, change the scene!
In fact, everyone is more or less afraid of socializing. I have seen many people envy others. You see, they are all party fanatics and very sociable. In fact, I said that no one is born a party animal, and most people are a little nervous before socializing. Look at me, people will think that I am very willing to socialize, but I really don't like to socialize. But then I slowly convinced myself that I could be myself when I went there. You don't have to know everyone, just talk to one or two people, but you will get something tonight. So do it slowly and you won't be so nervous. It is behavior that can change a person's mentality. Many times we always think that it is determined by character, but it is actually determined by behavior. Professor Peterson found that we always think that introversion is not good, especially in American society, we all encourage to talk more, talk more, run more and walk more, which is the kind of extroverted behavior, so there is a saying that extroversion has advantages. However, he found that people who really succeed in great undertakings can actually choose lonely people. That is, he can find his own peaceful heart and state of mind in his busyness and learn from the crowd. Such people actually have advantages. In other words, introversion can actually be changed, that is, you can choose to do things that are not introverted. That is, we all think it is a character, but it is actually a behavior. If you think he's somebody, he won't move. We in China say that a leopard cannot change his spots. This sentence is terrible. This sentence makes everyone stay where they are. In fact, it is behavior. As long as you change your behavior, you will change your mood.
It's hard to find someone. Made two basic mistakes. One mistake is that we humans are not as passive as aliens when looking for objects, we all have to take the initiative. You have to know people. You are not alone. You are not a dark planet wandering in the endless starry sky. You must take the initiative to contact and pursue. The second important thing is that we humans have a particularly important feature, called social network. We were born in a social network, or social network. For example, you were born in a family, relatives and classmates. This social network allows you to find many people. So I figured it out, it's not impossible to find him, and there is one suitable person in every 6,000 people. Everyone can choose the best spouse, much more than you think, and it is really fate to be together.
How to find this 1/6000? This needs help. That is, people actually have to find it on their own, which is actually a bit difficult. We now find that people often don't need five people to know each other, and sometimes one or two people are enough. So many marriages are basically divided only once, that is, twice. So if we are separated twice, there must be a person in the middle. So this person is very important. He can be a parent. China was a matchmaker in ancient times, but now he is a friend in life. These are all very important.
How to make love last in marriage? This requires us to study, which is why we got married. A psychologist named Helen Fisher suggested that marriage provides us with three particularly important needs, which are really needed. One is the demand for sex life, especially safe sex life, which is definitely the safest between husband and wife. The second is attachment, the social satisfaction we rely on. The third is that people really need love. We used to think that the need for love and the need for sex were the same thing. Freud, in particular, equated the need for love with the need for sex. Now science has found that these are two different needs. So the brain region of love and the brain region of sex are independent, but in fact, it is now found that the need for love is better than the need for sex. No one in the world committed suicide because of lack of sexual life. No, think about it. Absolutely not. But there are many people in the world who commit suicide because they can't get love. Is this called double suicide? Especially for young people aged 0/5 to 35, the first reason for suicide is double suicide, that is, I can't live without love. So it is extremely important to explain what human love needs. So we often talk about the feeling of love between husband and wife, which is particularly important.
But there is a problem with this feeling of love, that is, it has several hormones, one is dopamine and the other is oxytocin. Dopamine is the cause of desire and happiness. So in the early days of love, this kind of desire is very strong, I can't sleep, and there is a kind of infatuation, a kind of madness, and a kind of heat, which is the natural reaction of love to the extreme. But dopamine has a problem called adaptability. What does this mean? It is the amount that makes me feel the same excitement and happiness, and it must be enhanced. But the same person, it can't be enhanced, it fades. Therefore, the fading of this passion is a natural phenomenon of marriage. Psychology tells you that this is natural. Take it easy.
But there is a very important hormone, which is also the embodiment of love, called sex hormone. The English name is oxytocin. It is unscientific for us to translate it into oxytocin. This is the hormone of love. It makes us feel warm and excited forever. So oxytocin has no adaptation. It can keep you fresh for a long time. The longer you spend with it, the more oxytocin you have. Why is there always a chance to become a frequent visitor with the spare tire? It is because you have been together, so this oxytocin comes slowly, and it is because of the role of oxytocin that you have been in love for a long time. So couples can actually use oxytocin instead of dopamine. But many people who don't understand science think that I don't love without this passion.
Dopamine can come two or three times a year, and everyone can stimulate a trip together. There is such a family ceremony, but your daily life still depends on oxytocin.
In fact, love needs you to feel, that is to say, if you don't feel grateful to others and don't feel the feedback of others' concern, you won't secrete oxytocin. Then why do some people say that this man is like a baiwenhang, and feed him anyway? Because he took it for granted, but he was unhappy. It is this secretion of oxytocin that includes companionship, spending time together, holding hands and staring at the eyes. You said these skills, in fact, if we use them in our lives, we can increase our feelings for a long time. So I suggest that our readers can do a simple psychological exercise tonight, hug their loved ones for 5 minutes and see how you feel. If you get hot when you hold it, your throat will slowly tighten and finally tears will flow out. Congratulations, you love each other. If I hold you and tremble all over, I'm in trouble. There must be something wrong with your family. Therefore, science can help us to increase the feeling of love.
How to inject the king gene into children?
2 1 century information revolution era-artificial intelligence era, there are three abilities that artificial intelligence can't replace. One is called aesthetic ability and aesthetic feeling. The second is that our imagination and creativity are irreplaceable. The third is called empathy. The combination of English initials is "ACE", which happens to be king, top and biggest. So it comes from a psychological concept, not chicken soup for the soul, nor an inspirational concept created at will. It is ACE, that is, aesthetics, creativity and empathy, which is irreplaceable by machines and is irreplaceable by machines so far. Therefore, we call it cultivating such an ability. If we use Mandarin, it means cultivating the irreplaceable ability of artificial intelligence.
The first is to regard children as the crystallization of love, which is very important, that is, the evidence and proof that we love each other. We found in psychological counseling that it is the husband and wife who divorce, and the most effective way to dissuade them from divorce is the children. It's useless to talk about two people's feelings and morality, but you love each other and have such a child. For the sake of children's good and children's future, the probability of husband and wife being together has increased a lot. So the first important understanding is that it is the crystallization of love. If this child is not the crystallization of love, generally speaking, this relationship is difficult to maintain. So first of all, we should realize that this child is the bond between us.
The second is that children's growth is actually a long-term process, and to some extent, it is also a particularly important guarantee for our future happiness. It is true that children caused a lot of trouble when they were young. He wants to cry and make trouble, you have to accompany him, you have to take care of him, and even affect the feelings of husband and wife, as well as the financial burden of the family and so on. But in fact, children will have their own autonomy and independence when they reach a certain age. He has his own hobbies, and he will bring us more and more happiness. Therefore, it is very important for young parents to understand the psychology of their children's mature growth with such a long-term development view.
The third important method is to learn to create a loving environment. Family is actually a loving environment in which children can play a very important role. If this environment exists, you will actually feel warm, happy and happy when you go home. Now we don't have such a loving environment. We regard home as a place to rest, relax and take care of our children as parents. At this time, the feeling of your love is gone. Thousands of miles away, in fact, home is the destination of our love, and this concept is actually very important.
Of course, another is to add some skills and methods. This method includes making sure that you have enough rest. Second, there should be sufficient communication and exchange. Husband and wife should discuss some problems and share some difficulties. Don't always carry it with you. Blame each other if you can't stand it. He has some complaints and some responsibilities, which is actually very important. So there are some tips worth exploring and practicing.
Peng Kaiping: Yes. It was during the COVID-19 epidemic that the Department of Psychology of Tsinghua University and Beijing Happiness Public Welfare Fund set up a hotline called psychological crisis intervention. Mainly for those who are affected by mental illness. If you need help, you can call us. Then this hotline also worked for 120 days, because it was during the crisis. So now we find an interesting phenomenon, a meaningful phenomenon. That is, as long as you ask for help, there is basically no problem. Including 138 particularly serious people, we dispatched hospitals and police to rescue them. As long as they call, they are basically rescued, no problem.
What we found unexpectedly was that many people didn't call at the same time, which was a big problem. This is a very important phenomenon in psychology, that is to say, if you have the hope, motivation and action for help, basically your illness will get better and we can save people.
Many people don't respect happiness at all, take it seriously, and then they don't understand. Don't understand, don't study, and finally don't ask for help. The result of not asking for help is that something happened to yourself, leading to depression and various suicide attempts. , leading to tragedy.
I am practicing myself!