It turned out that when she checked her son's homework last night, she found that his son had miscalculated two questions because of carelessness. It's no big deal, she thought. Just call the child to change it. But when she asked her son who was playing games to correct his homework, he couldn't hear him at all. "I feel like I was suddenly ignited," she said with energy.

She grabbed her son's Ipad and said to him sternly, "There are only five questions, and you are wrong about two. Either you can't, or you are too careless. Can't you do anything but play games? ..... "My son was addicted to games, and he was not only robbed of the opportunity to play games, but also scolded. He was very angry, crying "bad mother", "smelly mother" and "you are not a good mother".

Li Jie added fuel to the fire when he heard his son talk back. It is also a standing penalty, both soft and hard. After tossing to 10, the homework has not changed. Both of them are full of grievances and anger.

Sister Li feels very wronged. She said that she sacrificed all her freedom and time for her son. Afraid of delaying the children's interest class, she refused to participate in the weekend group construction of the company. In order to make the children listen carefully in English class, she gave up her personal time and insisted on companionship. In order to make the children eat a balanced and comprehensive diet, she tried her best to prepare nutritious meals for them. .......

A mother who gave so much was accused by bad mother, but it was her favorite son who accused her. This dedicated mother really can't accept it or understand it.

There are many mothers like Sister Li around us.

I was also accused by my son of "I hate you" and "I hate my mother". Frankly speaking, when I heard this, my heart was really like a knife cut, depressed and lost, and I suddenly came to my heart.

It is every mother's wish to be a qualified mother, but how can we become a qualified mother and a good mother? What is a qualified mother like?

The book "Practical Guide to Quality Parenting" holds that a qualified mother needs the ability to change herself before changing her child's behavior habits. The book also points out that raising children is a skill that can be learned, and more importantly, it needs repeated practice. Therefore, this book lists 75 golden rules, which provide parents with methods and tools to deal with educational challenges encountered in daily life and establish harmonious and healthy family relations. It can be described as a parenting textbook for qualified parents and a training manual to guide parents to become qualified parents.

Erica Rachael is a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology/Human Development of the University of Chicago and an honorary graduate of Princeton University. She is a member of the "Happy and Healthy Baby" Advisory Committee. She has set up seminars for parents' education in schools and institutions such as the University of California, Habito Children's Museum, and has written a lot of articles on children and family education, which have been published in Psychology Today, The New York Times, Washington post and Atlantic Monthly.

Erica Rachael pointed out that raising children is a skill, and all educational ideas come from three aspects: acceptability, boundedness and consistency, which we call ABC method of quality education.

The first aspect is to accept children's imperfections and give them unconditional love.

In the program A Wonderful Story, debater Pang Ying said that her father would be very kind to her when she was a child, which made her feel that she deserved her parents' love only if she met their expectations.

I often hear parents say, "If you don't listen, I don't love you." "If you don't get 100 this time, I don't like you." ......

In children's world, parents are the world. Losing the love of parents means losing the whole world. But parents' love needs to be "obedient" and "100% in the exam", so they have to try to please their parents in order to "exchange" their love. Children who grow up like this are easy to please others, care about others' opinions, and lack self-confidence and security.

Erich Fromm, a famous German sociologist, philosopher and psychoanalyst, defined unconditional love and acceptance as follows: Unconditional love and acceptance refers to firmly loving and accepting a person, regardless of the conditions at that time.

Unconditional love means that I love you because you are you, not because of what you have done.

No one is perfect, even an adult, let alone a child.

But we always ask our children by our own standards, which is unfair to them.

Accepting children's imperfections and giving them unconditional love is to let us let our children's shortcomings drift?

Of course not.

Giving children unconditional love is to make them firmly believe: "Parents' love is unconditional, and parents love me no matter what happens. "

Erica Rachael pointed out that it is an important educational principle to discipline children in a loving way. When parents discipline their children, they should focus on the problem itself. All languages should show that what you don't approve of is the child's wrong behavior, not him.

On the other hand, qualified parents will give their children appropriate restrictions and a sense of boundaries.

In the hit drama Everything is Fine, Su Ming, the second son of the Su family, arranged everything from school to work, from being single to getting married. This behavior of Sue's mother caused Su Mingcheng to have no sense of responsibility and purpose.

There are also many parents around us who do homework for their children and don't let them participate in any housework. They tidy up their schoolbags, check their pencil boxes and tidy up their toys every day. They always say, "when the children grow up, they will." When the child grew up, he said, "In the eyes of parents, the child will always be a child."

The Guide to Quality Parenting Practice points out that qualified parents will keep a distance from their children and leave room for them to participate in practice and learn lessons.

Yin Jianli, a famous education expert, has a daughter, Yuan Yuan, who is a top student in Beijing. She has skipped twice. She/KLOC-took the college entrance examination at the age of 0/6, and her test score exceeded the admission score of Tsinghua University by 20 points. In 2065,438+03, he obtained a master's degree from an American Ivy League school.

Yin Jianli has such an excellent daughter, which is inseparable from her good family education.

Are her children born obedient? Of course not. She told an experience of her own.

Once after school, Yuanyuan didn't do her homework on time. When she and her husband saw it, they pretended not to know. It was not until it was time to go to bed that Yuanyuan remembered that she had not finished her homework today and burst into tears. Yin Jianli and her husband pretended to be anxious and asked, "Really, you didn't do your homework today?" Then they kissed Yuanyuan and said quietly, "Baby, don't cry, everyone forgets something sometimes." Let's think about what to do now. "

The understanding of parents gave Yuan Yuan great comfort, and she calmed down. But I don't know what to do. At this time, my mother said, "if you want to write today, you can stay up for a while;" If you want to write tomorrow morning, mom will wake you up an hour in advance; If you don't want to write in the morning, go to school and talk to the teacher tomorrow. I forgot to write today, so I won't write this time. "

Yuanyuan knows that she can't do it without writing. Although she wanted to sleep, she didn't finish her homework and was not practical, so she decided to do it at night. After writing, I went back to my room to sleep. The next morning, no one mentioned it.

Yuanyuan has never forgotten to do her homework since then.

Life is a process of trial and error.

Only by letting children experience and feel the consequences of their actions can children learn from them.

However, in the face of children's mistakes, parents should not blindly criticize or even satirize. They should let children feel the losses and consequences of mistakes, and then teach them to make adjustments and solve problems.

It is necessary to protect children's self-esteem and give them appropriate space to think about ways to solve problems, which requires parents to master the sense of proportion and scale. Different children have different characteristics and need different levels of care. Parents need to observe more and practice more to find the right degree for their children.

Third, keep your word and let your child predict your behavior.

In ancient times, there was a story about killing.

Ceng Zi's wife is going out, and her little son is crying to follow. She coaxed her little son and said, "Don't cry, mom will come back and kill the pig for you." When Ceng Zi's wife came back from shopping, Ceng Zi was ready to kill the pig. His wife stopped him and said, "I only said I would kill pigs to coax children." Ceng Zi insisted on killing pigs. He said: "Children don't know what is right and wrong. You said you were going to kill pigs. If you don't kill them now, you are lying to your children. It is wrong to teach children like this. " So I really killed the pig.

Ceng Zi set an example for the children with his own behavior and kept his promise.

The Practice Guide of Quality Parenting points out that trustworthiness is the cornerstone for quality parents to establish a good parent-child relationship.

There are many such examples in our daily life. Parents make promises easily to ease their children's excitement, but refuse to keep them afterwards. This practice can only make children lose trust in their parents, thus casting a shadow over the parent-child relationship.

I once saw such a scene in a shopping mall: the child said that he wanted to buy transformers, and his mother said that she would buy clothes before buying them. When my mother bought clothes and passed by the toy store, she thought there were transformers of the same model at home and refused to buy them for her children. Children will think that what their mother said may not become a reality, and gradually they will no longer believe what their mother said, resulting in the alienation of parent-child relationship.

Erica Rachael, the author of this book, believes that what you say must be done has two levels: First, if you can't or won't implement the rules you have made for your children, don't make such rules. The second is to keep promises.

To put it simply, parents either make rules or don't, and if they make rules, they will implement them; Either you don't promise, or you promise to keep your promise.

Parents' words and deeds are children's role models, and children imitate their parents' actions and words all the time.

What you promised your child should be done, so that the child can see the future results.

Parents can do what they say, and so can children.

The explanation of the word "teaching" in Shuo Wen Jie Zi is: "Teaching, from the top, from the bottom; Education, raising children to make it good. " This means that education means that teachers (parents or teachers) do things, let children follow suit, and let children learn to do good things. This also shows how important it is for parents to teach by example.

There is no clear definition of what a qualified parent is. But all qualified parents have one thing in common, that is, let their children understand their parents' love, give them a good environment and set a good example.

The Practical Guide to Quality Parenting holds that parenting is a skill. However, any parents have not received formal training before becoming parents. They can only improve their parenting skills through continuous learning and exploration.