Puberty "baby"
A new friend mentioned her son in front of us, but "baby" is always long and "baby" is always short. I always thought it was a child of six or seven years old at most.
It was not until one day that we finally talked about the children's further education that she revealed that the "baby" was about to take the senior high school entrance examination.
I was shocked: a teenager was called "baby" by his mother?
A seemingly insignificant address problem, but behind this address, a lot of information about the relationship between mother and child is revealed.
Of course, due to the lack of communication, I don't know their real mother-child relationship.
Just such an adolescent "baby" reminds me of more psychological development problems of adolescent children:
Some children are extremely impulsive, emotional and even aggressive, causing harm;
Because of academic setbacks or interpersonal setbacks, some children began to escape the school environment, took frequent leave of absence, or even did not go to school;
Needless to say, we are often shocked by some incidents of teenagers' self-harm or even suicide.
Why do adolescent children have many problems?
First of all, adolescence itself is a very turbulent period of life. From childhood to adulthood, there have been many confusions, confusions and conflicts in this period.
Another very important aspect is that in such a special period, the "mother", who has long been the protector of children, began to make children feel more and more resistant and suffocated.
Many mothers are treating adolescent children in the same way as their children's childhood or even infancy, including calling them babies.
For example, I hope to "take care" of children in all aspects of eating and drinking Lazarus, so that children can come in a way that they feel "correct" and "healthy";
For example, I always feel that children can't protect themselves well and do everything possible to block their desire to explore and try;
……
In a word, I want to keep a very close distance from my child, so close that it seems that the child has been in my arms all the time.
For children, this is tantamount to a "poison" that stifles growth.
Where did the poison come from?
I once read a book called Poisoned Parents, but now I can't remember the contents of the book, except for the feeling of suffocation and depression when reading.
Counting the "poison" of parents in the book seems to be anger at the accusation, but the solution to "poison" can't just rely on venting.
Saying that mothers are the "poison" of adolescent children does not mean condemning those mothers who are caught in a "fierce battle" with adolescent children.
On the contrary, seeing the source of "poison" clearly is the beginning of detoxification.
Where did the poison come from?
Think of a sentence I read on the internet recently: expired sugar is like arsenic.
The original words mean the sweetness of love between men and women, but now it has caused endless pain to the parties.
This statement is the same in parent-child relationship.
Expired love is like arsenic.
It's not that meticulous maternal love is bad, but that this love has expired.
Children have grown up, no matter how beautiful and sweet "love" appears at the wrong time, even for the same person, it may become "poison".
I have a friend who had a busy career when he was young. Her children started boarding in primary school, and later in junior high school, she let them go to school.
I rented a house next to the school and lived with me for a long time, hoping to make up for the maternal love I owed my children in those years.
The child has graduated from college now, but his self-management ability and interpersonal skills are almost in the state of junior high school students.
The mother can't help but "guide" and "manage" her children's various living habits frequently.
It seems that the child's real road to adulthood is still far away.
The biggest task of adolescence is to find your own position and explore "who am I"?
In this process, we need a broader space for activities, and we need to constantly "try and make mistakes" in learning and interpersonal communication, and gradually find the real direction in the pain of setbacks.
The mother they need is no longer the one who takes care of them in all aspects, even replaces them or forces them to guide them, but someone who trusts them to try bravely and can really understand their pain and expectation.
If it is difficult to really understand them, then at least, silently resist the "helping hand" that you unconsciously want to extend.
What is poison?
I remember a long time ago, I read a popular sentence about child care:
True maternal love is an elegant export.
Many mothers know this sentence and even agree with it intellectually, but this does not prevent them from quitting emotionally and behaviorally.
The beginning of detoxification is to open your eyes and see what poison is.
If you ask mothers a question, there is a bowl of poison in front of you and your children. Either you drink or he drinks. What do you choose?
99.99% of mothers will definitely grab the bowl in front of their children and drink it.
This is maternal love visible to the naked eye.
Then, there is also a psychological "poison" before you and your child. Either you drink or he drinks. How do you choose?
Believe it or not, many mothers have made a choice with actions: children drink.
This poison is called "anxiety".
It may be wrapped in beautiful icing, for example, worrying about your mistakes, your injuries, and your bleak future.
These anxieties may come from the mother's inner dissatisfaction with herself, from her original fear and from the sense of pressure aroused by the outside world. ...
In short, when it goes up, mothers think I can't stand it, and I will feel terrible if I don't do something for my children!
Instead of making me so anxious, I should take good care of the children, make demands and criticize them, at least let the fire go out for a while.
In this way, the anxiety that mothers can't digest is passed on to their children.
Of course, all this happened in the subconscious of mothers. On the conscious level, these mothers are experiencing confusion and anger, thinking that kindness is regarded as the liver and lungs of donkeys:
After all I've done for you, why are you still stubborn? !
As everyone knows, children who swallow anxiety for their mothers are not only infected with the same anxiety, but also accompanied by emotions such as anger, weakness and panic.
Then they toss out all kinds of behaviors that make their parents more sad. Only in this way can they release the "poison" in their bodies.
How to solve the "poison"
A mother who drinks poison to save her child's life is great. Most of them live in various legendary TV series.
For the healthy growth of children, quietly swallowing anxious mothers has a shocking greatness in the ordinary.
I remembered the story of my third friend:
She shared in a lecture that she was very rebellious during her adolescence and often stayed up late with her friends before going home.
And the mother, without saying anything or asking anything, just waited at home silently until the child was near midnight.
At that time, my friends were just ordinary. Now that I am a mother, I understand how much anxiety and worry my mother has to endure when she can do this.
In fact, every mother may have such a moment, but many people don't understand the meaning and simply regard it as a kind of tolerance and please to their children.
If you really understand how precious it is for children to truly become independent whenever you endure their anxiety and distress, you will understand that "inaction" is not cowardice and escape, but a kind of courage.