Many introverts hope to change their introverted personality, improve their ability to communicate with others, and then have good interpersonal relationships. So they read a lot of books on interpersonal relationship and learned a lot of interpersonal skills, but they found that the effect was little and not obvious. This shows that learning skills alone is not enough. They can't have good interpersonal relationships not only because they lack skills, but also because of many deep-seated reasons. At the same time, does this also explain from one side that the current interpersonal relationship books are flawed and incomplete? Introverts need to change and improve their beliefs, attitudes and skills if they want to have good interpersonal relationships.

First, belief: establish the belief of "win-win" (equality and mutual benefit)

If you want to have good interpersonal relationships, you must have the idea of equality and mutual benefit. In fashionable words, it is to have a win-win thinking.

There are several modes of thinking in dealing with interpersonal relationships:

1. I won and you lost:

We have been taught since childhood to strengthen this concept. Do better in exams than others, run faster and jump higher in sports competitions than others, and win the championship. In a word, only by surpassing others and winning can we feel happy. We regard life as an arena. To be successful and happy, we must surpass others and leave others behind.

In addition, selfish people hold the idea that I win and you lose.

2. I lost and you won;

People who lack self-confidence and self-esteem often think so.

They dare not stand their ground, want nothing, compromise at the expense of personal interests, and seek peace at the expense.

3. lose both sides:

On the surface, no one will benefit from doing so, and it seems that no one will do so. But some people just want to do this! What I can't get, you can't sacrifice others. For revenge, I would rather sacrifice myself than drag you down.

4. Win-win:

Win-win is based on the concept of equality and mutual benefit. Earn your own profits without harming the interests of others. If you don't set yourself against others, you and I are not hostile parties, but comrades in the same trench. We share weal and woe and work together to create a better future.

I win, you lose (selfish), I lose, you win (compromise), and both lose (lose), which can't make people have good interpersonal relationships. If you want to have a good interpersonal relationship, you must have a win-win thinking and an idea of equality and mutual benefit.

Introverts improve interpersonal relationships in this way (2)

Second, attitude: grasp the balance between love and courage.

A win-win situation means that everyone wins and both sides benefit.

Love and courage are indispensable for a win-win situation.

Love enables you to care about others and take care of their interests; Courage enables you to stand your ground and safeguard your own interests. The balance between love and courage can truly achieve a win-win situation.

To have good interpersonal relationships, it is not enough to have love, but also to have courage. Introverts lack not only love, but also courage. Without courage, there can be no good interpersonal relationship.

Only the balance of love and courage can produce good interpersonal relationships.

The balance between love and courage is reflected in the following pairs of relationships.

1. Respect for others and self-esteem (balance between "respect" and "self-esteem")

Most books on interpersonal relationships emphasize the importance of respecting others, and advocate smiling, praise and gratitude. It's really important to respect others, but these are like scratching boots for introverts, and they don't say the key that introverts really need to improve. The real problem of introverts is probably lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Therefore, establishing self-confidence and self-esteem is the key to solving problems.

2. Honesty, trustworthiness and trust in others (balance between "honesty" and "trust")

Be honest and trustworthy, and let others trust themselves. At the same time, you should trust others.

Introverts don't really trust others from the heart, but always have ignorant doubts and fears about others. I am hesitant and full of fear at the thought of interacting with people. This is one of the reasons why he can't have good interpersonal relationships. Distrust of others is a problem that introverts need to focus on.

3. Be interested in others and open to yourself (the balance between "curiosity" and "openness")

Books about interpersonal communication teach us to be interested in others. And said: "A person who is interested in others will make more friends in two months than a person who only knows how to make others interested in him in two years." This shows the importance of being interested in others. Being interested in others means getting to know each other. An introverted person is not necessarily uninterested in others and doesn't want to know others. His problem is that he doesn't want to open himself up and let others know him. He is always worried that others will look down on him if they know. In fact, this is just your negative imagination. People will only respect you because they know you. It is impossible to respect someone you don't know from the heart.

Understanding is a two-way street. Introverts don't want others to know themselves, so they dare not show too much interest in others, for fear that others will be interested in themselves and want to know themselves.

Thus, if introverts want to have good interpersonal relationships, they must be brave enough to open themselves up, be willing to let others know themselves, and at the same time try to understand others. Being interested in others is not enough for introverts.

Introverts improve interpersonal relationships in this way (3)

4. Understand others and express yourself (the balance between "understanding" and "expression")

Interpersonal communication is inseparable from communication. Communication is to understand others by listening, and to make others understand themselves by expressing. Introverts are not good at expressing themselves. How to speak is their weakness, and they are more willing to listen. But their listening is passive. They listen to what others say, but they are not good at grasping the conversation process by asking questions, and they are not good at letting others think that you are willing to listen to him by agreeing. Therefore, this advantage of being willing to listen has not been fully exerted in introverts.

5. tolerate others and take the initiative to admit mistakes (the balance between "tolerance" and "admitting mistakes")

When others make mistakes, tolerate each other; Apologize when you make a mistake.

Introverts often dare not take the initiative to admit their mistakes because of their lack of self-confidence, for fear that doing so will let others know that they have made mistakes and look down on themselves. So he is afraid of making mistakes, cautious, timid, hiding mistakes, afraid of being known. Or go to the other extreme, whether it is your own fault or not, always admit your own mistakes, so as to gain others' sympathy and pity for you. In fact, whether he dares to admit his mistakes or keeps admitting them, it reflects that he has no confidence in others to forgive his mistakes and his ability to correct them and turn the situation around. This makes him prefer to do nothing, so as not to talk too much and make too many mistakes.

6.……

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Through the above analysis, introverts can't have good interpersonal relationships, not only because of personality factors, but also because of many ideological deviations. And the more analysis, the more problems. But this is good. Knowing where the key lies, you can start to improve and improve.

In addition, we also see that most interpersonal books only talk about the love part of interpersonal communication, such as respecting others, being honest and trustworthy, being interested in others, understanding others, tolerating others, etc., while ignoring the courage part of balancing love in interpersonal communication. The interpersonal relationship established in this way is biased and there is still a certain distance from our ideal win-win interpersonal relationship. I make up for the courage that has been neglected for a long time in interpersonal communication, which is especially useful for introverts to do well in interpersonal relationships. The interpersonal communication theory thus formed is a complete theory. The interpersonal relationship established under the guidance of this theory is real, desirable and good interpersonal relationship!

Introverts improve interpersonal relationships in this way (4)

Third, skills:

To establish the belief of "win-win", we should grasp both "love" and "courage", and both hands should be hard. This is the right way to walk in good interpersonal relationships. If you can master some interpersonal skills at the same time, it will be even more powerful.

If you want to have courage, you must have confidence. There are many ways to build self-confidence. There must be a reason for inferiority, and there must be a way to be confident. As long as you follow the method of building confidence, you can have confidence. The common methods to build self-confidence are: daily encouragement, self-suggestion, positive memory, full preparation, doing small things and so on. With self-confidence, you dare to take risks and have courage!

Just as there are ways to cultivate courage, there are skills to express love.

1. How to do it:

Smile, courtesy, help, service

2. How to say:

Greeting, asking questions, listening and expressing.

Praise, gratitude, persuasion, encouragement

Specific how to smile, praise, persuade ... and so on, interpersonal books have detailed explanations.

Introverts need to have good interpersonal relationships step by step. Just like children have to learn to climb first, then learn to walk, and finally learn to run. Eat the rice bit by bit and walk step by step. Haste makes waste, be patient. There are many skills in interpersonal communication. We only focus on learning and practicing one skill at a time and try to learn it well. Don't master all the skills at once. As long as interpersonal communication is better than before, you should feel happy and gratified, and don't expect to eat a fat man in one bite.

Learning is not equal to understanding, understanding is not equal to doing, and doing is not equal to being old.

Only when you practice a skill to an age where you can use it without thinking, that is, form a habit, can you really master it. According to the general rule, it takes 2 1 day to cultivate a habit. So we should spend at least 2 1 day practicing one skill before moving on to the next.

Introverts can start with simple skills. For example, practice smiling and greeting first. A simple greeting means hello. "Hello!" "The weather is good today." "Have you eaten?" "Goodbye!" ..... and so on. Try to greet the people you meet in your life with a smile, this 2 1 day. If we can also combine the practice of cultivating self-confidence, the effect will be better.

When smiling and greeting become a habit, you can practice asking questions and listening. If you really master the skills of asking questions and listening, even if you are not good at words, others will regard you as a master of interpersonal communication.

Smile, greet, ask questions and listen. After mastering these simple methods and skills, you can learn other skills in depth. With the improvement of communication skills, you will find that having good interpersonal relationships is not as difficult as you think.

Attach information about questioning and listening skills.

Introverts improve interpersonal relationships in this way (5)

As I said before, good interpersonal relationship comes from the balance of love and courage.

And courage and self-confidence are inseparable. With self-confidence, there is courage; Without self-confidence, there is no courage. So what is confidence?

Some people say that confidence is a feeling. With this feeling, you will have confidence in yourself, be fearless and dare to do anything; If you lose this feeling, you will doubt yourself, hesitate and dare not act. Moreover, feelings are changeable and difficult to control and grasp. This is the feeling now, maybe it will be the opposite feeling after a while.

Taking self-confidence as a feeling gives you an excellent excuse not to act. Because self-confidence is a feeling, and this feeling is fickle, maybe there is a feeling of self-confidence now, but it will not be like this after a while. Without a feeling of self-confidence, you dare not take action. If you dare not act, you will feel insecure and even more afraid of acting. This has fallen into a vicious circle: because I am not confident, I dare not act; I am even less confident because I dare not act! The result of this vicious circle is gradually becoming timid, inferior and unconfident.

So, don't take confidence as a feeling! Confidence should be an attitude. Attitudes and feelings are different. According to the dictionary, attitude is the view and practice of things. Self-confidence is an attitude that we should take the initiative to do things, not a feeling of waiting for arrival. I can't say that with this feeling, I will act boldly; Without this feeling, I will passively escape. Otherwise you will fall into the vicious circle mentioned above!

Self-confidence is an attitude, a way of thinking and behavior. Specifically, self-confidence is the idea and practice based on believing that you can do it.

Imagine what a confident person will think and do when he encounters something he is afraid of, and then think and do it as a confident person according to his thoughts and practices. Even if your legs are shaking and your heart is beating too fast, command yourself to think, do and act. Action will bear fruit. Only with the results can we have confidence. The more you can take action, the more you can see the results and the more confident you are. Firmly establish the belief that I can, and think and act according to this belief. Gradually, you can become a confident person!

This is how introverts improve interpersonal relationships (5 b)

The plot of cooking PK of Jiang Jin and Cui Shanggong in TV series Jiangjin shows that success is inseparable from self-confidence. And confidence is an attitude, not a feeling.

Originally, Han Shanggong wanted to have a big PK with Cui Shanggong in cooking, but it was time for the game and Han Shanggong had not appeared yet. No, Chang Jin had to play instead of Han Shanggong. Many of the ingredients carefully prepared before the game can't be found at this time, so we can only cobble together some ingredients. At the beginning of the game, Chang Jin lost two games in a row. Chang Jin's assistant said her legs were shaking, and Chang Jin said she was shaking, too. The vast majority of the audience are not optimistic about Changjin, thinking that she will definitely lose. But Changjin is a successful person. Changjin knows: To succeed, you must be confident. Self-confidence is an attitude, not an emotion or feeling. Although her legs trembled and her heart was full of fear, she forced herself to believe that with the blessing of her dead mother, she was confident to win the game! So she still concentrates on the game wholeheartedly. Finally, with his cooking skills, carefulness and kindness, Changjin finally turned defeat into victory and won the cooking competition!

Successful people know that self-confidence is an attitude. Losers regard self-confidence as an emotion and feeling. With this feeling, you can be proactive; Without this feeling, you can escape. Everyone knows that success is inseparable from self-confidence, but different people have different understandings of what self-confidence is. This is also an important difference between winners and losers. Even if the winner is afraid, he should overcome his fear with faith and attitude, build up his confidence and finally succeed. Losers let their emotions and feelings control their behavior, be intimidated by fear, and finally fail!