The opponent is shary, and she feels that she should not tear her face, for the following reasons:
1: My roommate used my things, which means this is a girls' dormitory. Because there is nothing in the boys' dormitory, only garbage. So the other debater certainly didn't understand me.
If the face is torn, it is disfigured. Going to the police station for further study, and the other party going to the beauty salon for reconstruction, has no good result. You can't live together if your face is broken. Either she moves or I move, but I can't afford it. He also joked: "You can pour some depilatory cream into the shampoo, so that my roommate will not dare to use my things when his hair is getting less and less."
3: She can use yours and you can use hers, which is ok. Maybe everyone will share their experience when they use it, and the more they talk, the happier they will be. If you rip your face off, you will lose a friend. You can harvest a girl together without tearing your face.
It must be Xi Rui. He thinks that the word "always" means that communication is invalid. At this time, he should hit his face for the following reasons:
1: ta is a non-gender thing, so don't have so many hostile ideas about women.
You go to college to study, not to be a benefactor. You can learn what life is in the dormitory. The most important thing in life is to learn to refuse. If you don't refuse with a torn heart, you will not succeed.
3. Sometimes we are very upset, but we dare not tear it, just worrying about what the other person thinks of me. Getting along with a person with a border is not only not troublesome, but also very comfortable, because when you explain the border clearly, others are finally relieved. Each of us wants others to understand us, but it is not anyone's obligation to understand you. Learning to be better understood is what each of us should demand of ourselves.
Although Xi Rui lost in the end, his debate was really wonderful. He finally concluded:
On the surface, this question is about whether to argue with an asshole, but I think what really tortures us is whether we know how to establish a sense of boundaries. Do we actively influence the world, or do we passively accept everything? The interaction between people has both the temptation of TA and your rebound. It is precisely because I have never torn my face on this issue that he regards offending as a habit. If you can't handle the boundary well, how can you criticize the other side for crossing the boundary on the stage? And those who tear their faces may not be in your world at all.
Do you know what is a sense of boundary and what is crossing the line? Let's take a look at the interpretation in the book "Leading Far Behind".
china boundary
We have been taught since childhood to be warm and generous, to be friendly to others, to respect the old and love the young, and so on. It seems that we have been catering to please, and sometimes we can't express our grievances because we have to be obedient. So when we talk about boundaries, there will be a lot of fear. For example, we are afraid that boundaries will destroy our relationship, so we dare not express ourselves truly. As a result, our relationship is getting more and more alienated because of our unreality. In fact, a relationship that keeps boundaries with each other can last longer.
Sometimes when crossing the line, we don't feel it, because most people cross the line unconsciously, and these behaviors are often labeled as justice or "for your own good".
For example:
Go to a classmate's house for dinner, and the other parent is very enthusiastic to help you pick up food. You are too thin. Eat more meat, and soon it will pile up like a mountain. Look at that pile of meat.
Relatives see your child, wow, so cute. Kissed the baby without authorization and pinched the baby's face. The baby was very scared and began to cry. Your mother-in-law said beside her, why is the baby crying? Grandma loves you! This sentence seems to imply that the baby should accept it.
Why don't you get married after 30? Women's fertility declines at the age of 30, and they get married and have children. Parents seem to know better than we do when to get married and have children. Because they are people who have been there.
You have children. Why divorce? When a woman gets divorced, she becomes worthless. When the marriage is unhappy, you want to divorce, and then your parents start to educate you about the difficulties after divorce regardless of your feelings.
The above scenes are not very familiar, because they are all around us, and we have crossed the line.
Our border is like a vibrant balloon, and inside the balloon is our territory. When we are crossed, we lose our territory, just like a deflated balloon, depressed and heavy.
How can we not cross the line?
When a friend confides their troubles to us, we can show concern for his situation, but don't interfere. They may just pour out their feelings to you. We can share our solutions to similar problems instead of teaching them how to do it.
How not to be crossed?
We can respect each other, but we can't always accommodate each other; We can invite each other to try to solve the problem together, but we can't ask them. We respect individual independence and, of course, ourselves. When we truly realize our independence, it also means that we should be responsible for ourselves, take back our expectations of others and don't entrust our strength to others.
The essence of boundaries is by no means the destruction or alienation of relationships. The true sense of boundaries is warm, and it is a long-standing fine water that nourishes each other's souls, because it is full of respect and trust.
When we understand the sense of boundary, how can it be applied to raising children? Let's look at the next point:
Less expectations, more boundaries.
Andy's performance in "Listen to Her" Part II "Make a Wish" made countless people cry:
Xiaoyu (Andy)' s mother cheated on her father when she was pregnant with Xiaoyu. Then her mother not only divorced, but also made her father lose his job and go to other places. From then on, my mother didn't trust anyone, but regarded Xiaoyu as the last straw and kept staring at Xiaoyu. Xiaoyu interferes in everything and looks at Xiaoyu all the time. Forced her to have no friends and can't fall in love. Mother's distrust of the outside world has seriously affected Xiaoyu and made Xiaoyu feel at a loss. So Xiaoyu chose to tell her mother all this on her 26th birthday, hoping to get rid of it.
In fact, Xiao Yu's mother has seriously crossed the line and pushed Xiao Yu to the edge of the cliff.
I believe that when most mothers begin to conceive their babies, their only hope is that their babies can come into this world safely. Then after birth, I hope he can grow up healthily and happily; The older one, I hope he can obey and get good grades; If mom and her teammates spend all their love on rice, oil and salt, and there is no way to transform them into each other, she will focus on cultivating children, various training courses and various chickens.
But isn't our initial intention health and safety? Why do we expect more and more children to invade their borders step by step?
Because we are always insatiable, as if we will never be satisfied. The child is happy and healthy, but you only see that his grades are not good; If the child gets excellent grades, you think he can go further. In this way, children have been living in our expectation and growing up according to the script we arranged. Such children will expect to raise children in this way when they grow up in the future, which has become a vicious circle.
In fact, expectation is cheating, expectation is crossing the line, and excessive expectation is manipulation. When raising children, we will inevitably have expectations. It is also an expectation to hope that children are physically and mentally healthy, but if we are sober enough, we will not manipulate children with our own expectations. I have my expectations. If you can satisfy me, that's good. If you can't satisfy me, it's not your fault. My expectations are only related to myself, not to my children.
Love, not expectation, should nourish our relationship. The best love is to allow the other person to be himself with respect, not what we expect. Let the children grow up freely, not according to our script.
What should children do when they encounter setbacks in their growth? Should we deliberately create setbacks and let children have the ability to resist setbacks? Let's look at the last point:
Love is the best ability to resist setbacks.
A topic is often mentioned: Are children poor or rich?
A friend said that her husband is always worried that his children will not survive in society in the future, so he deliberately creates some difficulties for his children in life and their children become very defensive.
Love teaches love, fear teaches fear, and deliberately cultivates children's ability to resist setbacks out of fear, bringing fear to children. The more careful you are, the more frustrated you are.
It is unnatural and deliberate to resist setbacks and help the poor and the rich. Krishnamurti said: "True care is like caring for a plant, watering it, recognizing its needs, giving it fertile soil and caring for it gently. But if you only train children to adapt to society, you are training them how to struggle, then they will be slaughtered by society. If you really love your children, how can you encourage them to join this bitter struggle on earth? "
Wang Renping said: "Personally, I never care about the poor and the rich, so I will naturally support it. What kind of life I live, what kind of life my children live. Deliberately letting children suffer hardships and live a rich life will separate the connection between children and parents, making children feel insecure and have no sense of belonging to their families. It is not a good practice to tighten one's belt to' enrich' children. Your quality of life and life are not good. Can you give children a good education and influence? "
Life is so long, I believe that children have the ability to solve problems and adapt to society. What we can give our children is the energy from the family. Schools only solve the needs of society, and families can meet the needs of individuals. The child does not belong to us, she belongs to this era, and she has her own coping methods. Whether we agree or not, that's her.
As parents, we have trust and respect for children, which is the best soil for raising children; Giving high-quality companionship outside is a harbor full of security for children. Unconditional parenting is the best anti-frustration education, and love is the best anti-frustration ability.
Today, we share how not to cross the line and be crossed, expect less from children, and be full of respect and love. Continue to share tomorrow. Welcome to leave a message to share your parenting experience.