My family has a little hedgehog, and many parents say that there is a "little hedgehog" at home, which makes people very helpless. In fact, these "little hedgehogs" are probably caused by their parents. While stabbing others, I also deeply hurt myself. I shared that my family has a little hedgehog.
My family has a little hedgehog 1. Recently, Ms. Liu has a headache for her adolescent son and can't sleep. She didn't expect that her son was not only against himself at home, but also incompatible with his classmates at school. Ms Liu wants to know how her son became a "little hedgehog".
Psychoanalytic psychologists have done an experiment to examine children's emotional attachment to their mothers. After long-term observation and research, psychologists have found that the attachment relationship between children and mothers can be roughly divided into three types:
The first is called security relationship. In this relationship, the mother takes care of the children responsibly and meticulously. Children who have experienced this attachment will also have a sense of trust in their mothers, and even when their mothers leave, they will wait quietly. In the future life, they will be happier and more confident, and they can face all kinds of difficulties.
The second is called avoidance relationship. In this relationship, the mother is very irresponsible to the child, and the child shows a distant and indifferent attitude towards the mother. They were not anxious when their mother left, and they were not excited when they came back. Generally speaking, these children have a serious lack of trust and are cold to others as adults.
The third kind is called anxiety-contradiction relationship. Mothers are not particularly concerned and sensitive to children's needs in this relationship, so it is difficult for children to establish trust with their mothers. Once the mother leaves, the child will be very anxious, crying and full of fear. And when his mother comes back to look after him, he will show resistance.
According to Ms. Liu, the couple used to work night shifts because of their busy work, so they had to leave their son alone at home. When they came back, they thought his son would be in high spirits, but he was indifferent. Now I know what this is all about. The results also show that children who grow up in this kind of family are prone to interpersonal problems when they grow up. They are eager for attention, but they can't control the people who approach them because they have a subconscious mind that they are not welcomed by their parents and will not be welcomed by anyone.
In response to the analysis of the counselor, Ms. Liu changed some of her own practices: First, she turned her incomprehension and blame for her son into concern, and talked to him about school at dinner every day to let him know that her parents care about him. My son resisted at first and didn't want to talk to his parents, but after a long time, he couldn't help nagging about his grievances. After a semester, my son's personality has become much more cheerful, and he has gradually integrated into the group.
Many parents say that there is a "little hedgehog" at home, which makes people very helpless. In fact, these "little hedgehogs" are probably caused by their parents. While stabbing others, I also deeply hurt myself. If people around you are more patient and caring, then "Little Hedgehog" can take off its prickly coat and live happily.
There is a little hedgehog in my house. Adolescent children are like hedgehogs. Both parents want to be close to their children. First, they should do three things.
1, communicate actively to find out the reasons for the child's abnormal behavior.
There is a father who has been raising 13 children. He found that 10-year-old son began to alienate him. He took the initiative to chat with his son, who didn't respond.
The father still actively communicates with his son, letting him know that he always cares about him. This is my father's initiative.
However, more parents don't care about their children's abnormal behavior, and are still waiting for their children to return to childhood intimacy.
It is difficult for adolescent children to take the initiative. They will only hide deeper and deeper, and communication disconnection will often make things worse.
School bullying is a problem all over the world, and it is difficult to eradicate it on campus. Why? Because bullies and victims in school bullying are basically adolescent children, it is difficult for parents to understand that bullies don't tell their victims.
The film "Good Days" exposes the phenomenon of bullying in society. Bully Weilai is quiet, cute and polite at home. Her parents never thought that their children could drive into a building.
Wei Lai can also say: "Anyway, she has been admitted to three books at most, so let her parents take some compensation to lighten the burden on her family."
A girl who was bullied to suicide, if she communicates with her parents, even if she doesn't study, is it better than paying the price of her life? The mother of the protagonist Chen Nian is full of longing for Chen Nian to go to Beijing to study, but it is the news that Chen Nian killed someone and went to prison.
When adolescent children feel unsafe, insecure and afraid of rejection, they will behave abnormally.
They eat less food, look trance, speak concisely and so on. At this time, parents should actively look for the reasons for their children's abnormal behavior.
If you want to embrace adolescent children, you must find their weaknesses. How to find them?
This weakness may be their hobbies, ideals, motorcycles, sports, food, the opposite sex, or even your warm company.
Step 2 Find your child's weaknesses
The first example is looking at flowers in the fog. A boy is slovenly, withdrawn and inaccessible, and has no plans for the future. My parents are in a hurry, but they don't know what to do.
The boy's teacher accidentally discovered the child's weakness and got along well with the boy. Boys have changed. His neat and generous clothes inspired him to study hard and was admitted to the university.
Parents ask the teacher for advice, and the teacher's answer is that they just have the same hobby-watching old TV dramas.
They often talk about the plot of TV series together after class. The boy also took the old props or costumes from the auction to the teacher and told the teacher about the recent situation of the old actor.
It was this accidental discovery that discovered the boy's weakness and made the child willing to communicate with the teacher and stop crying alone in the wall.
The second example refers to the East and the West. When a girl is in class, she often misses the school bus. At first, her mother thought it was her laziness. Later, many times, she found something unusual.
My mother patiently talked with her for a few words before she realized that the new course was difficult to learn. The boys in this class are always playing tricks on her. She doesn't want to go to class, so she can't get up to catch the school bus.
After the mother found the reason for the girl's abnormal behavior, she found a tutor, studied with her, communicated with the teacher, told the boy to stop playing tricks on the girl, and the girl returned to normal.
The third example is patience. There was a girl who used to love beauty, but when she came back from camping, she stopped paying attention to her clothes and didn't like to talk.
One day, when my mother was cleaning, she accidentally saw the diary of the girl who fell to the ground. Only then did she know the terrible things that happened to the girl and realized that the girl's behavior was abnormal.
Knowing that the girl likes driving, her mother insists on teaching her to drive every time she picks her up from school. At the beginning, the girl was silent, and her mother didn't ask, so she accompanied her silently.
After several months, the girl finally said some simple words, and her mother responded positively. The more they talked, the closer they became. This process took a year.
A few years later, the girl told her mother that she wanted to commit suicide, but her mother's company made her through the most difficult time. I am grateful to her mother for not giving up.
The above three examples tell parents, please observe children patiently, find their weaknesses, and hit their hearts directly.
Of course, if you want to communicate closely with your children, you still need parents' time, perseverance, affection, love, trust and respect. With these, you can communicate effectively with your children.
3. Love and trust
Parents give their children a lot of visible love in early childhood. Parents touching, kissing and hugging their children are all true love that children feel.
Adolescent children don't have access to kisses and hugs, and some parents have blunt orders and strict rules, and their academic performance is very high.
Sensitive adolescent children will feel that their parents don't love him. Once they think that you don't love him, the heart wall may be closed at any time.
If you love him, just hug him and tell him that his parents' love is consistent and unconditional. No matter whether he behaves well or badly, does right or wrong, succeeds or fails, his parents' love for him remains unchanged.
However, the communication between our parents and adolescent children in China is just like the communication between Mars and the earth. They are insulators of each other. I can't feel your love, and you don't know where my predicament is.
Wang Meng, the headmaster of Peking University, is a typical example. His parents gave everything for his study, but after he went abroad to study, he blacked out his parents and didn't go home for 10 years. He also said that he could not feel his parents' love at all.
Trust is a very important element in interpersonal communication. Parents should trust their children and look to the future.
There was a boy who was smart and got good grades, but later he made bad friends, learned to steal and was detained, and the school expelled him.
Everyone gave up on him, including his father, but only his mother still trusted him. She ran all over the city for him and finally found a school that was willing to accept him, but he didn't want to study.
Mother didn't accuse him or force him, but asked him to tidy the room together. Mother and boy sorted out all the books, words and questions he had read before.
Recall the time when I was diligent and studious with him, recall the fighting spirit before, and tell him that a temporary slip doesn't mean anything. My mother always believed that he could still do it well.
After reading several biographies of successful people bought by his mother at home, he regained his confidence and set about studying.
Later, he became the youngest fund manager on Wall Street. Trust is also one of the important elements to enter children's hearts.