Some people say that the love of parents is the most selfless. Mei Niang agrees with this, but it can't be said that parents are not biased, although sometimes parents are biased to make both children better, because parents who prefer sons to daughters are excluded, and parents are generally biased towards weaker children.
For this, Shen Xia has a profound understanding. Shen Xia is Mei Niang's good friend. She is a high-income group in our city. Although she is a foreigner like me, she is very capable. She and her husband are college classmates, and her husband is stronger. After only working for three years, she has become the backbone of the unit. Several of our classmates say that Shen Xia and her husband are a powerful alliance.
Recently, I heard that she and her husband are looking at the house and are going to buy a villa. Supposedly, with such good conditions, they should have nothing to worry about, but just like every family has its own problems, so does Shen Xia. Her troubles come from her younger brother and eccentric mother, and this trouble also comes from the villa she is going to buy.
Shen Xia's hometown is a county in northern Jiangsu. The conditions are not good, but they are not bad. She also has a younger brother who is five years younger than her. Before graduating from college, Shen Xia really didn't think his parents were partial. Shen Xia said that at that time, she still felt very happy. Her parents treated her and her brother equally, and she didn't deprive him of the love he deserved just because he was a boy.
Even so, there are some differences between her and her brother. Shen Xia said that she is a very competitive person. She has never worried her parents since she was a child, and her grades have always been good. However, my brother is different. It is useless to go to school without strict discipline. Later, parents' requirements for their younger brother were much lower. So in the end, Shen Xia was admitted to a famous university, while her brother could only go to a private college.
After graduating from Shen Xia University, he came to Suzhou to develop. In the first few years, the development was not very bad. Even so, when his younger brother graduated from college, Shen Xia hoped that his younger brother could come to Suzhou. First, Suzhou has great development potential, and second, brother and sister can take care of each other.
Shen Xia said that in retrospect, when my brother came to Suzhou, Shen Xia helped him from renting a house to looking for a job. At that time, Shen Xia didn't feel like a brother's assistant. She felt it necessary to give her brother a hand at the beginning. As a sister, she has this responsibility and obligation.
But my brother let Shen Xia down. In recent years, my brother is still the same, and his job has changed several times, but nothing has improved. At this time, Shen Xia's parents thought it would be good to let their son stand on his own feet. So when his brother got married, his parents and Shen Xia scraped together enough money to buy his brother a 60-square-meter house, which was regarded as a settlement in Suzhou.
Shen Xia never thought that the gap between himself and his younger brother would be so big.
After working for about five years, Shen Xia and her husband exchanged the money they had saved for a big flat floor. Four bedrooms, two halls and two bathrooms, the room type is super positive. The younger brother still lives in a small house of 60 square meters that his parents bought him at the beginning.
Every time I go to see my younger brother, I enter a crowded community, and Shen Xia's rush is afraid that it won't open when I enter, for fear of any friction. Nothing, just don't drive and take the subway in the future, but the key point is that when the gap between Shen Xia and his younger brother is getting bigger and bigger, the mentality of Shen Xia's parents has gradually changed.
For example, whenever two families eat, Shen Xia always treats them. In her mother's words, who wants you to be richer than your brother? How dare you ask your brother to pay for a meal?
When Shen Xia's parents are taking care of their brother's children, if there is something missing at home, they will also call Shen Xia to buy things. Shen Xia almost agreed, because after all, parents also take care of their children. Since it is the needs of parents, children should try their best to meet them. So, as long as mom asks her, she will definitely buy it.
Over the years, Shen Xia bought a refrigerator, a washing machine, a gas water heater and countless odds and ends for his parents who take care of their children at his younger brother's house.
By the way, I also supported my brother to change cars and added 200 thousand.
After buying a big house in Shen Xia, my mother kept nagging in her ear that Shen Xia's brother's house was too small, and she was going to have a second child soon, so she had to change to a big house.
Shen Xia said that at that time, she told her mother that my brother would support her when she changed houses, and I could only support her. My main force should also be my brother. He is in his early 30 s now. If I don't force him at this time, when will I force him? A man must shoulder the responsibility.
There is nothing wrong with this, but Shen Xia's mother thinks it was Shen Xia. This is forced, because my brother's salary is average and my sister-in-law's salary is meager. How can she come up with a down payment for a big house? Shen Xia said that, in essence, he was unwilling to give money to help his younger brother.
Shen Xia is also very unhappy about this.
Now Shen Xia has bought a big house for less than three years. She has the idea of changing villas, and she feels embarrassed to ask. However, this matter was still known by her mother. Her mother was still at her brother's. She asked Shen Xia in the family WeChat group, "I heard that you are going to buy a villa. Your brother still lives in a small bungalow of 60 square meters. You don't support him to buy a house. Are you embarrassed to buy a villa? "
Shen Xia froze, because she thought it was two different things. First, she and her husband earned money to buy a villa. Second, she never said not to help her brother. Does she have the ability to enjoy a better life just because her brother is not as good as herself? Why can't I buy a villa if I have the ability? Why don't you buy a house for your brother? Can mom be satisfied? She was a little angry at the thought, so she sent a message to her mother and said, "Of course I'm sorry." Hardly had she sent it out when her mother kicked her out of the family group.
Shen Xia was so angry that he couldn't help himself. That night, she was surrounded by anger, guilt and sadness and didn't know what to do.
Susan Forward, a famous doctor of psychology, said in the book The Origin of the Family: The biggest difference between a healthy family system and a toxic family system lies in how much freedom family members have as individuals to express their thoughts. A healthy family values individuality, personal responsibility and independence, and encourages children to develop their satisfaction and self-esteem.
Unhealthy families do not encourage individual self-expression, and every family member must be consistent with the thoughts and behaviors of toxic parents. Such a family has caused chaotic personal boundaries and indistinguishable family members. Subconsciously, family members are confused about the boundaries and concepts between themselves and others. In order to show intimacy, each member's personality is often suppressed.
In such a tangled family, you need to give yourself in exchange for occasional affirmation and security.
Shen Xia's family is not particularly typical, but in Mei Niang's view, you have to admit that when Shen Xia and his younger brother became adults, Shen Xia's parents somewhat crossed the line, and Shen Xia's mother's behavior of removing Shen Xia from the family group was too radical, and she may not have realized her mistake. If Shen Xia wants to get the affirmation and love of her parents, she can only make this family settle down by constantly paying too much when she is crossed.
Many people have been kidnapped by their parents who have crossed the border all their lives, unaware of it. It was not until the brothers and sisters turned against each other that they finally thought of reflecting on themselves. Fortunately, with the growth of strength, Shen Xia has awakened.
Even at the cost of being expelled from the family, Mei Niang felt that Shen Xia's behavior was worthwhile. Shen Xia need not feel guilty and sorry for this.
If you don't have any cruel or abusive behavior towards your parents, but you just disagree with your parents on some things, so she is sad, then they have the obligation to calm their emotions and regain their happiness, and you are not responsible for her unhappiness.
And if you ignore your own needs for them, it doesn't actually bring any benefits to yourself or even your mother. You will be reluctant, and your heart will be full of entanglements after doing something. You will spoil your brothers and stimulate their appetite.
Sometimes, people should not be so selfless. People should be selfish, because only when you release your inner grief and put the responsibility on the person who should be responsible can we be truly liberated.
Therefore, don't take the feelings of your parents as the basis for most of your life decisions. This is cowardly, which also shows that you are giving up your free choice. If you always put your parents' feelings first in your mind, then your life will be controlled by them. And such a life is doomed to be a failed life.