The news I have seen these days is a bit heavy:

On March 13, female college students in Jinan committed suicide, leaving a suicide note, because they were tortured and suppressed by their father of origin for a long time.

When I was a child, I didn't want to wash my hair. My father slapped me.

There are boys in school who like her. Her father called her a "tiger" and a "slut" and cut off her hair.

Even though she went to college, her father was still like a big black net. The control she couldn't escape made her desperate. She chose to commit suicide and give her life back to her parents.

And the suicide of Zhang Yide, a famous American scholar, shocked many people. His father is a famous parenting blogger, and his parenting experience has been reported by many media, and his sharing of parenting experience has won the trust of readers.

When the child was one year old, he divorced his wife, gave up his position as an executive in Guangzhou company, sold his house, went back to the suburbs to farm and raise his own baby. He devoted all his thoughts to children, created a unique way to build excellent children, recorded and shared every step and experience of their growth, and read them to the best local private schools. Finally, the children were excellent, and his father became a child care worker among the internet celebrities. It looks perfect, but this is the ending.

Seeing such a tragedy, we can't help but ask: If parents' love for their children is wrong, will it bring inner harm to their children? After growing up, family of origin's injuries will continue to be passed down from generation to generation, and serious children will still not come out, leading to tragedy.

Kato Toyama, an author who graduated from Tokyo University and Harvard University as a visiting researcher, mentioned in his book Parents Who Don't Grow Up that parents who don't grow up often mistake their parents' dependence on their children for love. In the face of children who are weaker than themselves, they will show dependence, coercion, manipulation, hidden abuse, kindness, false reciprocity and other behaviors.

To put it bluntly, it is "parent-child role reversal": parents project all their unfulfilled childhood desires for their parents' love on their children. For example:

The key is that "parent-child roles are reversed". Parents always think they are competent parents. They use children who are not grown up, financially, physically and psychologically independent to cure and treat their "past heart injuries." Family of origin's injury made parents ask their children for love and bully them through mental violence and behavioral violence.

Parents who have not grown up love and hate their children and torment them, but they just don't allow them to be themselves.

Parents who reverse their parent-child roles are actually losers in life.

They will only control their children and make them obedient toy puppets;

Their home is outside, let the children please themselves and satisfy themselves;

Their unfulfilled wishes made the children try their best to show off.

Parents who didn't grow up mentioned many cases and golden sentences in the book, which made people feel deeply:

Think about what many parents have done to their children in the name of loving their children. Control, possession, inner hatred and fear, let children obey themselves, control children, and let children admit that they are excellent parents. When children grow up slowly, they often realize this truth and feel suffocated and desperate.

How to end this vicious circle? How to get rid of the harm of being born in a family? Simply mention two points, which are explained in detail in the specific book:

1. Face the facts and recognize the reasons behind parents' behavior.

Parents who reverse their parent-child roles are mentally and psychologically dependent parents. They command and control their children and make them accept and understand them. They don't let their children grow up and don't want them to be independent.

When children can begin to feel their inner pain and confusion, take the first step bravely, find the lead left by their bottom personality through reading and seeking help from others, and gradually get rid of the trauma left by their family background, this is the beginning of change.

2. Leave each other and the harsh environment.

In the process of learning, we also need to find the right person and the right environment. When we find a person who can really like and help ourselves, we will begin to know ourselves at a deeper level and learn to enjoy the sureness and stability brought by the positive energy environment.

At the same time, in the process of change and growth, I will also find my self-confidence, find my inner sense of boundary, and finally reach a reconciliation with my family.

Final summary:

Parents who don't grow up deeply analyzes the reasons and psychological structure behind "parents who don't grow up" with real cases, and puts forward some suggestions to end the trauma of "Origin and Fate".

It also points out that in today's social environment, the father has lost the image of "strong father" and the mother has lost the image of "gentle mother", which brings anxiety. This book is worth reading and recommending ~