Therefore, an important ability of prospective freshmen like disciplines is to learn to be alone. This is not only because when you first arrive in a strange environment, you will inevitably be forced to face a lot of time alone; More importantly, as we enter a more free and independent environment, we need to master the important ability to get along with ourselves in the face of growing maturity.
What is the ability to get along with yourself?
Let's look at an experiment first. One group of subjects first received an electric shock to experience the pain of cones. They all said that they would never be so shocked again, and they were even willing to pay a high price for it. After that, the researchers left these people alone in an empty room 15 minutes. In the meantime, they have only two choices: "Do nothing, just stay with their thoughts and feelings" or "choose to electrocute themselves to kill time".
It was found that even among those who said they would rather give than be electrocuted, a quarter of women and two thirds of men electrocuted themselves at least once during this lonely time. Even one of the subjects electrocuted himself 190 times in a short time of 15 minutes (Wilson et al., 20 14).
Researchers are also shocked by the experimental results: people hate "doing nothing but staying with their own thoughts and feelings" so much that they would rather do whatever they want to avoid getting along with themselves, even if it is something that makes them miserable. Why is this?
Psychoanalysts believe that getting along with oneself is an ability that not everyone has. Winnicott pointed out that the ability to be alone refers to "a person's ability to get along well with himself", especially the ability to respond well to inner impulses and needs without outsiders (Winnicott,1958; Hutson, 20 14). If you just leave a person in the space and keep in touch with others through your mobile phone, this is not what we call "solitude" in the true sense.
This ability especially means that when you are doing nothing, you just stay with yourself. When people want companionship but can't get it from others, those who have the ability to be alone can get their own inner companionship, comfort and solace. ), and they don't feel bored or empty, but enjoy it.
In Winnicott's view, the ability to be alone is one of the most important signs of a person's emotional maturity.
Why should I learn to be alone?
Some people may think that those who fail to acquire the ability to be alone can choose to embrace the crowd without learning to be alone. But psychologists believe that the benefits of this ability go far beyond "it is not easy to feel lonely when you are alone". If you lack the ability to be alone, you may miss many benefits it brings.
So, what benefits can the ability to be alone bring us?
1. Neither afraid of loneliness, nor actively seeking loneliness.
As mentioned above, people who have the ability to be alone are full at heart, and they are not afraid of loneliness. Then, when solitude can make us feel full and happy, will we continue to actively seek loneliness until we are completely isolated from others?
Actively seeking loneliness and refusing to associate with others is often a kind of self-punishment, that is, when people are ashamed of their existence and value (feeling unworthy and unworthy), we will isolate ourselves and try to punish ourselves by actively seeking loneliness.
However, only those who love themselves and think they deserve to be loved will have the ability to get along well with themselves. People who don't love themselves will have a lot of criticism and negative feelings about themselves when they get along with themselves. People who have the ability to be alone can be "self-sufficient" mentally and emotionally, and at the same time they are willing to keep in touch with others and be loved by others. Therefore, people who are capable of being alone not only do not actively seek loneliness, but also actively maintain interpersonal relationships (Rubin, quoted in Crane, 20 17).
In other words, having the ability to be alone can keep us at an appropriate interpersonal distance, be connected with each other and be absolutely independent.
2. Have a more "real" intimate relationship
When we have the ability to be alone, it means that we don't have to rely entirely/excessively on each other to meet our own needs. In other words, we can stop using our partner as a tool to appease our inner insecurity or meet our own needs.
On the one hand, we can stop trying to possess, consume and control each other, because we have the ability to appease ourselves and meet our own needs; On the other hand, it also enables us to be "true" ourselves in the relationship, and no longer worry about losing each other because we show our true feelings, because we are self-identified and feel worthy of being loved (Brenner, 20 14).
3. Get a good sense of self
People who have the ability to be alone can spend their time and energy on getting along with their own thoughts and/or feelings in the process of being alone (Winnicott, 1958), which enables them to face themselves more frankly and understand themselves.
Not only that, people who have the ability to be alone will not only seek support from the outside, but also get affirmation from the inside when encountering crisis or difficulties. This enables them to jump out of their social environment, think and judge their situation independently, and will not be kidnapped by others.
All these help people gain a positive sense of self (who am I and how can I evaluate me)-"I am independent and self-sufficient, and I am happy about it".
So, how do we get the ability to be alone?
First, you need to stop being "afraid" of someone. Only in this way will you not refuse the opportunity to "practice" being alone in the future. You can try to know more about the possible benefits of being alone. As the columnist Amico(20 16) said, people often fall into the fear of solitude because they don't understand the benefits of solitude.
Secondly, you can try to create some opportunities for yourself to be alone, and gradually gain a kind of solitude ability through constant practice-just like the "good solitude experience" repeated repeatedly as a child, such as meditation, walking alone, or doing nothing alone in the coffee shop (Crane, 20 17). More importantly, you need to give yourself a "good mother".
This kind of existence can be a partner in a stable intimate relationship, or it can be "created" for itself by "guiding imagination". You can try to create such a life for yourself by following these steps:
Find a safe, undisturbed space and let yourself stay comfortably (in any posture).
Close your eyes gently. Feel the breath entering from the nasal cavity, from the head to the trunk to the limbs, and feel the tension where it passes, and it will be taken away with the exhalation of the breath (for three or four rounds).
Imagine a place where you feel calm, harmonious and safe.
This may be the place you have been, the place you dream of going, or you have just seen it somewhere.
What color is this place? Or, what colors are there?
Now, listen carefully to what's the sound in this place? Maybe it's quiet here.
Do you smell something?
What do you feel on your skin? How's the temperature? Is there wind around? Did you touch anything?
Now you are in this place that makes you feel calm, harmonious and safe. You give it a name, a word or a phrase. You can come back here at any time, this place that makes you feel calm, harmonious and safe, as long as you think of this word or phrase.
You can stay here for a while and enjoy the peace, harmony and security it brings you.
You can leave here at any time. When you want to leave, open your eyes, look around and realize your environment.
By creating a (imaginary) "safe place" where you can go at any time, you can get timely "response" and "satisfaction" when you need comfort, comfort and companionship.
Finally, when necessary, you should also learn to refuse other people's demands, refuse other people's interruptions or excessively participate in your own life.
The ability to get along with yourself is very important. It affects our quality of life directly and in many ways. It frees us from absolute dependence on others, makes us feel that our lives are under our control, and makes us not panic.
The strange environment of entering the university forces us to "get rid of absolute dependence on others" from the outside, and actively practicing solitude can make us start to find peace in the dialogue with ourselves, even if it seems lonely, without relying on familiar things and companionship, and embark on this brand-new journey more firmly.
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