Have you and your partner ever said cruel words to each other and hurt each other? Can you persuade your parents to support most of your important decisions? Have you ever seen the moment when chickens talk to ducks in your work cooperation with colleagues? These problems are very common, because many people have not learned interpersonal communication, and it sounds that communication should be learned from life, not from books. But there are many wrong demonstrations in life that may mislead people, and there are also many good communication examples that have not been noticed by everyone. Once you understand some basic theories and methods of interpersonal communication, you can detect inappropriate communication cases around you and learn from good communication cases. The art of communication aims to help you master the attitude and method of scientific communication.

The Art of Communication is a very weighty book. The first is a university textbook reprinted 14 times. The two authors, Adler and proctor, are both university professors, so the theories and methods of communication in them are all obtained through professional scientific research, and they are not taken for granted. Secondly, the outstanding feature of this book is that the author puts communication in the larger background of interpersonal relationship, which allows us to know and understand communication more comprehensively and deeply, and allows readers to establish a respectful and active attitude, not just the use of skills.

This book is divided into three parts. The first part is Looking Inside, focusing on the communication factors related to self, including the role, perception and emotion of self in communication. The second part is looking outward, mainly focusing on the factors related to the communication object, including language, nonverbal and listening; The third part is to look at the relationship dynamics, mainly focusing on the relationship level, including relationship, intimacy, communication atmosphere and conflict. We will study about two chapters every day.

I must remind you that although you will see some terms, relax and don't worry. Some of them are just to explain the meaning clearly, and they can be understood without remembering. Moreover, the terms related to communication are still more life-oriented; Some terms belong to the mode of communication. If you need to remember them, you will be reminded in time.

A communication book that can't provide practical methods is definitely not a good book. This book is rich in communication suggestions and methods, you can choose. However, communication is like riding a bike. No matter how many times someone tells you how to ride, you might as well try it yourself. Therefore, the key to reading this book is to write down useful communication methods on your mobile phone or small card and start using them in your life immediately. Whether you are chatting with your parents, friends or colleagues, you should think about whether you can use this method for three days in a row and see the effect. Practice and reflection immediately will help to improve communication skills and become a master of communication.

.2 Introduction to Today

This is a stills of the American TV series "Dr. House". The man in the middle of the photo is House. He is an excellent doctor at Princeton University School of Medicine and has saved many lives. His colleagues have always listened to and followed his advice. However, House's interpersonal skills are not excellent. His bad temper, self-righteous and straightforward personality alienated him from his boss, students and patients.

So, what do you think of a good communicator? We'll talk about this later.

Today's content is divided into two parts: an introduction to interpersonal communication; Interaction between communication and self.

.3 Why should we communicate?

We can all intuitively feel that communication-the company of others-is one of the most basic needs of human beings. Let's look at three short stories first:

At West Point Military Academy, there is a kind of punishment called silent punishment. The punished students can't have any language communication with anyone in the school, which is considered by the students as the most cruel punishment.

Frederick II, the German emperor of Denmark, once conducted a cruel experiment, forbidding nannies and nurses to talk to a group of babies, because he wanted to know which language babies would naturally speak first, thus indirectly proving which language was God's: ancient Hebrew, Greek or Latin. As a result, all the babies failed to survive.

Carl Jackson, an explorer who once sailed alone in the Atlantic Ocean, wrote in his diary: "I found that the loneliness of the second month made me deeply miserable, and I began to have a strong need to talk to others."

After reading the above story, you may have different ideas. You may think that solitude is necessary in noisy daily life. Yes, everyone needs to be alone, but there is also a degree of solitude, beyond which people will suffer. In other words, we all need interpersonal relationships, and we all need to communicate with others. According to scholars' research, interpersonal communication has the following four important functions:

Communication has a great influence on health. Remember that sentence that middle school teachers often say? "You will die if you don't talk!" To some extent, this makes sense. A comprehensive analysis of more than 300,000 people, including about 150 studies, shows that people with close family and friends live an average of 3.7 years longer than those who are socially isolated. In addition, bad interpersonal relationships can damage coronary artery health, which is as serious as smoking, high blood pressure and lack of exercise.

Communication can let us know ourselves. Whether we are smart or dull, attractive or ugly, the answers to these questions will not be reflected in the mirror, but will be obtained through others' reactions to us.

Communication can help us achieve our practical goal, that is, "let others do as we wish". For example, telling the hair stylist that I just need to trim my hair tail a little, assigning cleaning tasks to my roommates, asking my boss for a promotion, and persuading my family to understand my feelings and job choices all require communication.

Communication can meet our social needs. These needs include entertainment, friendship, boredom and leisure. A study on more than 200 college students shows that the happiest 10% people think that their social life is rich and colorful, and it seems that effective interpersonal communication is closely related to happiness.

№.4 What is communication

Since communication is so important, it is necessary to clarify the definition of communication mentioned in this book, or give an example:

I haven't seen my friends from high school for a long time, so I have an appointment to meet in the coffee shop during the holiday. After meeting, you can't wait to share your recent feelings about your work: "You don't know, the new project I take part in is challenging every day, and I can learn new things …" At this time, your friend frowned slightly and picked up the mobile phone bored, that is to say, when he or she received the information, he or she sent his or her own nonverbal information (including expressions, gestures, etc. ).

We can see:

1. Communication is a two-way communication mode. Communicators send and receive information almost simultaneously.

2. Communicators usually have different backgrounds (background comes from their own experiences). This will affect how you two understand each other's behavior. Suppose you think that work is very important to you, and your friend thinks that work is not so important in his or her life, then your's background (values) does not overlap. But because you studied in the same high school and were very close at that time, this part of the background overlapped, so you will meet. As time goes by, maybe your general background and your friend's general background overlap less and less, and communication in your may become more and more difficult.

3. There will be noise during communication. For example, maybe your friend has a cold and won't listen to you (physiological noise); It is also possible that your friend really thinks there is nothing worth talking about at work (communication noise).

From this example, we can see that communication, like the dance of two people, needs the cooperation of both sides. No matter how good a dancer is, it is impossible to complete a perfect dance if she can't cooperate with her companions. Similarly, communication is not what I have done to others, but what I have done with others. Two geniuses can't guarantee success once.

This leads to the definition of interpersonal communication in this book: communication is a two-way communication process. Participants establish relationships by exchanging information in different and overlapping backgrounds, and the quality of relationships will be disturbed by different noises.

In addition, it is necessary to clarify some public misunderstandings about communication:

The meaning is not in the text. Communicate ≠ Say that what you say may be completely different from what the other person understands.

The more communication, the better. In addition to insufficient communication, excessive communication will also cause problems.

Successful communication does not mean mutual understanding. For example, if your friend asks you, "What about my new tattoo?" You might say implicitly, "Wow, that's really special." Instead of just saying, "That's weird."

Communication cannot solve all problems. Sometimes, even if everything is perfect in the right time and place, there is still no way to solve the problem.

Communication ability is not an innate trait, but can be acquired through acquired learning.

5 Characteristics of communication experts

Since communication skills can be acquired through acquired learning, what is a good communicator? Only by knowing the goal can we get close to it. A person's good communication skills mentioned in this book means that he can achieve his personal goals to a certain extent and has the ability to maintain or enhance relationships, which has the following three characteristics:

There are communication behaviors that change according to specific circumstances. It must be clear that no communication method is suitable for everyone and all situations. For example, the relaxed and playful attitude when you get along with your friends is likely to offend each other if it is used at work. You may be good at communicating with people like you, but you may be a little clumsy when communicating with people older or younger, poor or rich than you. But don't worry, this book will provide many effective methods to help you face different situations in the future. But if you have such awareness, you will improve the quality of reading better and faster.

Have a certain understanding of others. As I said just now, communication is like dancing in pairs, which is a * * * activity, so we should pay attention to and understand the "partner". For example, a good communicator will grasp the degree that couples need both contact and independent space; When getting along with the blind, the communication master will show empathy, imagine the inconvenience of the other party, and clearly tell the blind when they leave, instead of waving away; If an old friend is a little dissatisfied with him recently, a good communicator will consider the reasons from multiple angles instead of overreacting.

Have the skill of expressing behavior. A good communicator not only understands the truth, but also speaks well. But as the saying goes, "all talk and no practice", although you can choose the communication method that suits you from books, it is more important to practice in actual communication behavior, just like learning musical instruments and basketball. I suggest that you record the communication skills that are useful to you on your mobile phone or small card, and try to use this skill in your interpersonal communication this week.

6 communication and self

Now let's look at the second content today: the role of self in communication. You may say: We are talking about communication, why should we analyze ourselves?

The answer is: your understanding of yourself (self-concept) and your evaluation of yourself (self-esteem) will be reflected in communication, and it will also affect your communication with others. For example, A and B have different views on the same concept.

quiet

A: "I prefer listening to talking."

B: "I am a real coward, so I can't talk."

Arguable

A: "I have a very firm belief in myself."

B: "I'm so strong, it's annoying."

Did you find it? Because of their different evaluations of themselves, communicators A and B have different views on the concept of quietness and argumentative. A is a person with strong self-esteem, and generally tends to think that others are good and expect to be accepted by others; B is an inferior person, and generally tends to think that everyone treats them critically, regardless of whether this imagination is realistic or not. Therefore, communication should talk to yourself. Look at the self-concept first.

1. Self-concept (your understanding of yourself)

Self-concept is like a special mirror, reflecting your figure, talent, likes and dislikes, three views, emotions, roles and so on. There are but not limited to the following factors that will affect self-concept:

Genes. Genes largely determine whether you are extroverted or introverted, whether you have a tendency to attack language, and your willingness to communicate. Of course, learning the day after tomorrow can change communication skills.

Others' comments. If a child hears his family say, "How can you be so great?" "I love you so much." And so on, then he is likely to look at himself positively; Instead, I heard "Can you keep an eye on me!" ""You are a bad boy. "In this case, he may look at himself more negatively.

Social comparison. Girls often compare themselves with super-thin entertainment stars, and then feel that they are really too fat, so they look at themselves negatively.

After reading these factors, you may have found that your self-concept is probably distorted. Excessive criticism from parents, harsh comments from friends, excessive demands from employers, and even online messages from strangers may distort your view of yourself. There are also unreasonable social expectations, for example, girls must be thin, which will have an impact on self-concept.

Now, you may start to think, "My timidity and insecurity are not my fault, but I have developed into this according to the way others treat me." Yes, everyone is a product of the environment, but you don't have to endure a tragic self-concept forever, you can change your attitude and behavior. You may also think, "although I may not be as good-looking as a star, I still have my value." Indeed, people should not demand themselves with unreasonable standards and suffer for it.

2. How to have a healthy self-concept?

Have a true understanding of yourself. Some people think too much of themselves, while others think too little of themselves. You should regularly confirm your advantages and put yourself beside those who support you. You need and deserve their positive feedback.

Have realistic expectations. If you keep comparing yourself with talented people like Einstein and Leonardo da Vinci, you can only feel bad. Think you are better than before. This is the source of satisfaction.

Have the will and skills to change. Don't be afraid of change. You can learn to communicate by observing the role models around you, see the people you admire, and then apply what you have learned.

7 self-fulfilling prophecy

We just mentioned A with high self-esteem and B with low self-esteem. A and B may live and work as follows:

Self-esteem, like self-concept, can be the starting point of communication and behavior, both of which determine how you look at yourself and affect your words and deeds in the future. Now it is necessary to introduce a key concept-self-fulfilling prophecy, which means that your expectation of one thing will affect the success or failure of your action. It is divided into four steps:

You have certain expectations (for yourself or others);

You act resolutely and overcome all kinds of difficulties;

Your expectations have come true;

Initial expectations have also been strengthened.

For example, you have to interview for a job you really like. You are not sure whether you have the strength to be hired, so you discuss this problem with an elder who knows you well and chat with your friend who works in this company. Both of them think that if you can apply successfully, it will be a blessing for this company and good for your personal development. You feel good about yourself because of what they said. Then, you went for an interview. As a result, you expressed your thoughts calmly and sold yourself confidently, which left a deep impression on the interviewer. In the end, you got the position you wanted, and you came to the conclusion: "My elders and friends are right, and I am the talent this company needs."

This example contains the four steps mentioned above. Thanks to the affirmation and encouragement of my elders and friends, I am looking forward to the success of the interview (step 1). Because of your optimistic attitude, you can show confidence in the interview (Step 2). Your performance, of course, there are other conditions that make your interview successful (step 3). Finally, good results strengthen your positive evaluation of yourself (step 4).

This is a virtuous circle of self-realization, and you can apply this principle to your own life. Many studies have confirmed the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. One of the negative cyclical processes is that if you think you are not competent for communication, you are unlikely to meet new friends and partners, and you will have no chance to communicate. This is a self-imposed prophecy. There are also predictions imposed by others: the late Apple founder Steve Jobs, Mr. Joe, knows this very well. He convinced Apple engineers that they could do what they thought they couldn't, but they often did, which is also the embodiment of Mr. Joe's extraordinary personality and charm.

8 communication as identity management

At this point, we have seen that self-concept and self-esteem will affect your communication and behavior. Conversely, different communication strategies will also make others have different views on us. Identity management is such a communication strategy, which affects others' cognition of us by transmitting information and creates the identity we want.

Please look at these three self-portraits of Van Gogh. what do you think? Is it the same person, but it seems different? ?

When we used to talk about ourselves, it seemed that there was only one identity. In fact, everyone has several egos and identities. Some things are private and you won't reveal them to others, such as intelligence ("I am smarter than most of my friends") and motivation ("Every man for himself, the devil takes the hindmost"). Some are public, such as conscientious employees, loyal friends and filial children.

An ordinary person has different identity management strategies in one day. When you face your boss or customers, you must show your professionalism; When you face your friends, you can be casual and relaxed. Stars may have different strategies in public and private. Their positioning determines what kind of image they show in front of the camera. Privately, they may be closer to their original personality.

You may think that identity management is "talking to people and telling lies", or "fine points" (describing a person's ever-changing personality). In fact, this does not make you a hypocritical or dishonest person, because a person has many aspects. In different environments, we need to have different modes of behavior communication. Think about how strange it would be if you regarded a stranger as a close friend. How ridiculous it would be to treat a two-year-old child as an adult. One of the characteristics of a good communicator is that he can change his communication style and style with different cultures and situations.

We also manage identity in many ways. When you send photos or articles in the WeChat circle of friends every day, you are building your online identity; When you communicate with others face to face, you create a realistic identity by managing your manners, appearance and equipment. For example, a man with neat appearance and decent manners, wearing a brand-name suit and driving a luxury car, is easily associated with a successful person, although he may also be a liar.

9 today's summary

I learned two parts today: the definition and importance of interpersonal communication, and the interaction between communication and self.

Key words:

Interpersonal communication, self-concept, self-fulfilling prophecy, identity management

Key points:

Clarify some public misunderstandings about communication: the meaning is not in the words; The more communication, the better; Successful communication does not mean mutual understanding; Communication cannot solve all problems; Communication skills can be acquired through acquired learning.

The three characteristics of a good communicator are: the communication behavior that changes according to the specific situation, a certain awareness of others, and the skills of expressing behavior.

Your understanding and evaluation of yourself will be reflected in communication, which will affect your communication with others; Conversely, different communication behaviors will also affect your understanding and evaluation of yourself.

Self-fulfilling prophecy means that your expectation of one thing will affect the success or failure of your action.

Everyone has several selves and identities, so they have different communication strategies to manage their identities.

Thinking and discussion:

Did you write down any useful communication knowledge for you?

If you want to know more about the interaction between self and communication, you can take a look at today's classroom reading.