Don't take it lightly after getting back together.

Whether the relationship after reunion is good or not depends on how you do post-repair.

Many people think how to save Z is very important. Once we get back together, everything will be fine. In fact, getting back together is the time when we really need to think.

Why can't we take it lightly after getting back together?

From the perspective of statistical probability, the relationship between separation and integration is more quarrels, conflicts and mutual attacks, lacking mutual recognition and understanding (Dailey, PFIESTER, et al...2009);

At the same time, after breaking up and getting back together, the frequency of lovers' love in Camp J is greatly reduced, which adds more uncertainty to the already cracked love (Dailey, Hampel,&; Roberts, 20 10)

People in love, the inner changes are very subtle, especially in a period of time after Z reunion, both sides are very fragile, and a small matter or a little doubt may affect the whole body and become the fuse to destroy the relationship between the two people again.

having self-respect

Share a monologue of a girl who broke up:

After I tried my best to save my success, I thought that nothing had happened as long as I could be together, but things were not as simple as I thought. As soon as I am with him, I feel uncomfortable all over. It's like there's a big stone weighing on me in my heart, and I'm afraid I'll be dumped again ... I finally broke up, as if I've been waiting for that moment. ]

This girl is not so much worried about being dumped as unable to accept herself who once lost her self-esteem and tried her best to save it. I feel a little depressed because I have no face ... even I look down on myself, how can others respect me?

The feeling of self-esteem being destroyed will make people who have been broken up unable to return to their original relationship equally, and at the same time they are extremely sensitive and fragile. As long as they perceive that the other person has not taken care of everything, they will think that the other half looks down on themselves.

When self-esteem is damaged, we will desperately look for opportunities to regain our sense of self-esteem. A friend of mine once told a story about him and his predecessor. In this relationship, his predecessor was the humble one. After several breaks, he finally broke up this time.

Curious, I couldn't help asking him: [What made you want to leave this time? ]

He said, [because of a sentence].

I feel more and more confused. I used to be so entangled that I couldn't give up on and off so many times. How can you break this relationship because of one sentence?

His expression was complicated. He said, [When we quarreled that day, she said, [Are you sure you want to treat me with your present attitude? You know, now you and two other boys are fighting for me. ]

Hearing this sentence, he was very angry and decided to break up. At this time, the girl was anxious, crying and not knowing what to do, and she couldn't understand why this sentence during the quarrel would be the reason for him to make up his mind to break up. She was just trying to make him jealous.

This is the subtlety of love. The girl didn't realize that she had been pursuing self-esteem in this relationship. When other boys pursue her, she seems to have finally found a lifeline, and she can announce to the boys that I am liked by others and that I am valuable.

However, what she didn't expect was that it was her words that dealt a serious blow to the boy's self-esteem. Obviously, for boys, what she means is: [I have been with you for so long and I have done so much for you, but you compare me with passers-by B and C who have a little affection for you and threaten me with them. If you think they are better than me, stay with them.

Inconsistent commitment level

Many relationships are doomed to fail at the beginning of reunion, because from the beginning, you two have placed completely different hopes on this reunited relationship.

Some people get back together, and ta's goal is just: [It's a pity to give up this relationship, there is no better spare tire. It is better to occupy this person first, and then talk about it later]-This level of commitment is very low, and there is basically no commitment to your relationship with your.

Some people get back together, and ta's goal is: [As long as we are together, we can forget others]-this level of commitment is relatively low: my commitment to this relationship is that I will be with you well and take happiness as the principle.

If your commitment level is high, for example:

[When we meet again, I hope to make a positive result after going to Z with you], or [out of responsibility for each other, I hope both of us can make greater changes for each other], if the other party's commitment level is very low, there will be more contradictions and quarrels between you.

Xiao and Xiao B have been together since high school. They persisted until they graduated from college, so it was logical to talk about marriage. However, to their surprise, Little B's parents disagreed with their feelings. The reason is that Xiao B's parents hope that he can go back to his hometown to work after graduation, but Xiao A can't marry Xiao B.

Xiao B was very angry and asked his parents why he didn't make a statement earlier and didn't say no until now.

His parents said, [You are a boy, what are you afraid of? Love in college is all nonsense, how many can succeed.

Xiao B feels angry and helpless, because the problem is not only that he can't convince his parents, but also that he can't make up his mind whether to go back to his hometown to work. When Xiao saw this scene in front of him, he suddenly felt sad and broke up. But little B couldn't bear to part with it, crying to let little A wait, and he wanted to convince his parents. Small, soft-hearted, agreed to get back together. However, this is another two years. How many times have you been on and off? What W hasn't changed is the opposition of Xiao B's parents and Xiao B's lack of attention.

At this time, Xiao finally realized that Xiao B had never given her any promises and was not responsible for their feelings. His W tried to get back together many times, just to escape the loneliness after losing this emotional dependence.

If you get back together, I hope there will be a good result. Be sure to determine your true expectations for a relationship and the level of commitment after getting back together, otherwise it will easily lead to emotional repair, dislocation and unnecessary harm.

How to avoid falling into the original emotional dilemma

Many people who have had a complex experience will have the same experience: it seems that they are caught in an S-shaped cycle of breaking up-compounding-breaking up. In the cycle again and again, their injuries are getting heavier and heavier, and the previous problems have never been really solved; Absolutely. How to avoid repeating the same mistakes and how to avoid falling into the same emotional dilemma again has become an important challenge for every compound couple.

1, redefining your relation.

How did you and ta get back together?

Xiao: [A month after we broke up, both sides managed to break up and keep in touch, and then once we chatted, he suddenly told me, I still can't let you go, let's get back together, so that we can get better again];

Little B: [It's strange that we have been on and off several times. Every breakup is cold and violent, and no one cares about anyone. After two or three weeks, we broke up by default. After a while, we will get back together inexplicably because one of us takes the initiative to speak]

Xiao C: [All kinds of entreaties with a particularly good attitude after breaking up persisted for several months. I really couldn't resist his concern and apology, and I made up again without meeting other boys.

D: [I'm actually embarrassed to say how we got back together, because it's a bit dramatic. It has been several months since we parted, but we met again at a classmate's party. As a result, we didn't hold back our passion and had sex again, so we got back together]

Through these cases, we can find that no matter whether the process of recombination is simple or complex and how long it takes, many processes of recombination have a common feature: fuzziness, and the relationship between two people is very vague after recombination.

Many people did not redefine their relationship during and after the reunion, nor did they seriously discuss each other's views on the old and new relationship, which laid a hidden danger for the emotional repair after the reunion.

I found that one party broke up repeatedly and the other party made peace repeatedly. In this kind of uncertainty, two people bear more and more psychological pressure, and their hearts will become more and more entangled (Daley, Jin, Pfister &; Baker, 20 1 1)

Therefore, it is necessary for two people to redefine the relationship between your when they meet again or after they meet again, and communicate directly and openly. Possible issues are as follows:

What is our relationship now?

It's better for us to keep an affair or get back together formally.

If we are formally reunited now, shall we discuss some details?

Set relationship goals

It is very important to set relationship goals if you want the follow-up relationship to continue and not be troubled by past problems. In the process of setting this goal, we can become more and more clear about what we think in our hearts and what is the relationship state of our inner z desire.

When making relationship goals, Z Hao and Z Hao should first answer some fixed questions in writing, and then discuss and exchange views in a direct and open way. Of course, if conditions permit, you can find a more professional third party to help you clarify your understanding and planning of the restructured relationship.

The following questions can be used for your reference

1, what was my disappointment when I broke up? 2. Does the problem that disappointed me at first still exist after getting back together? Can a decision be made after reunification?

What do I hope to get from this relationship after getting back together? 4. Why didn't I get what I wanted before we broke up?

5. What is my expectation of two people being together after getting back together? 6. Is there anything unrealistic and idealistic in my expectation? What can be achieved? 7. What can I do to improve our relationship and achieve the ideal state I want?

When it comes to the above questions:

Try to go from the shallow to the deep, and when expressing your own ideas, try to express them clearly, so that the other party can correctly understand each other's meaning and prevent misunderstanding. Be mentally prepared in advance. The expectations of the other party may be different from yours, so that the discussion can proceed calmly. When two people have great differences in their ideas and goals, think about the possible J solution and be wary of falling into an emotional war.