1. A girl got her boyfriend's engagement ring the night before, but her classmates didn't notice it, which made her very angry. In the afternoon, when everyone was sitting and chatting, she suddenly stood up and said loudly, "Gee, it's really hot in here. I think I'd better take off my ring. " The hostess called the maid to the front and asked her, "Are you pregnant?" "Yes!" The maid replied. "Fortunately, you can say it. Aren't you ashamed that you are not married? " The hostess trained again. "Why should I be shy, mistress? Aren't you pregnant yourself? " "But I am pregnant with my husband!" The hostess retorted angrily. "Me too!" The maid agreed happily. 3. Motorcyclists like to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle their mouths at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road. Here comes the policeman: Policeman A: What a terrible car accident. Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back. Policeman A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back. Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around. Policeman A: Well, I'm not breathing ... 4. On a winding country road, there are often some ghost stories because of frequent car accidents. One night, a taxi driver saw a long-haired shawl on the roadside, and a woman in white waved to him. Because the driver had never seen a ghost, he boldly stopped to let her get on the bus. On the road, although the driver didn't believe in ghosts, he was also Mao Mao. The driver got a fright and stepped on a brake! I saw that the woman's face was covered with blood and her expression was ferocious. The driver's teeth trembled with fear. Suddenly the woman said, "Can you drive? I bowed my head to tie my shoelaces, and suddenly you broke my nose by braking ... "5. A patient went to see a doctor, who examined him and frowned and said," You are too ill, I'm afraid you won't live long. " Patient: "Please tell me, how long can I live?" Doctor: "Ten …" The patient asked anxiously: "Ten what? Ten years and ten months? Ten days? " Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five ..." 6. Teacher: "Can you tell me the same characteristics of18th century scientists?" Student: "Yes, they are all dead." 7. The rhinoceros dung beetle fell in love with a mosquito. When the beetle asked the mosquito what to do, the mosquito said, "Nurse, give me an injection." The tapir patted his thigh: "Fate, I was rubbing pills in the Chinese Medicine Bureau ..." 8. An African lives in a hotel. In the middle of the night, a fire broke out for some reason. Africans don't care so much when they see it, and they run out naked. When the fireman saw it, he exclaimed, "Oh, my God! It's burnt, and you can run so fast! "9. A person wants to study abroad, but he must get the boss's approval. So he asked his boss for instructions, and the boss gave him a note that said, "Go ahead." The man thought, "Go = Go, the boss approved." So he started packing. A colleague saw him and asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "I want to study abroad, and my boss approved it and wrote me' Go'. "Colleagues are happy to see the article:" Our boss doesn't approve it at all! You don't know our boss's English level, he's talking! 10, the priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage: "This horse can only understand the language of the church. Call" Thank God "and it will run; It didn't stop until it was called "Praise God". Farmers are skeptical about this. He tried to shout "Thank God" and the horse ran faster and faster at once. A frightened farmer ran to the edge of the cliff and remembered that the password of "Praise God" had stopped him. Sure enough, the horse stopped. The farmers who survived the accident breathed a sigh of relief: "Thank God ..."

I have been calling for a long time, please accept it.

1 The night before, a girl got her boyfriend's engagement ring, but no one in the class noticed that she ate it, which made her behave strangely. You sat chatting until the afternoon, when she suddenly stood up and shouted, "Oh, it's really hot in here. I think I'd better take off your ring." 2. The hostess called the maid and asked her, "Are you pregnant? \ "\" Yes! "The maid replied. "Kui you said exports, you're not married, don't you feel shy? "The hostess began to train again. "Why should I be shy? Aren't you the hostess also pregnant? \ "\" But I am pregnant with my Hu * * * and! " The hostess retorted angrily. "Me too! "The maid happily echoed. 3. The clothes that a motorcyclist likes should be cut at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drunk driving, overturned his car and ran headlong into the road. Policeman: Policeman A: A good car assistant. Policeman B: Yes, he hit his head on the back. Po 1: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back. Policeman B: Good ... One, O, turn around. Policeman A: Well, I'm not breathing ... 4. When turning on a winding country road, there are often some ghost stories because cars pass by. One night, a taxi driver saw a long-haired shawl on the side of the road, and a woman in white waved to him. Because the driver didn't see a ghost, he boldly let her get on the bus and fly. Along the way, the driver didn't believe in ghosts, so he often let the woman go. The driver got a fright and quickly stepped on the brakes! I saw that woman's face was covered with blood and her expression was ferocious. The driver's teeth trembled with fear. Suddenly, the woman said, "Can you drive? When I bent down to tie my shoelaces, a sudden brake brushed my nose ... A patient went to see a doctor, who examined him and frowned and said, "You are too ill, I'm afraid you won't live long." . Patient: Please tell me how long I can live. "Doctor:" Ten ... The patient asked anxiously: "What? Ten years and ten months? Ten days? Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five ..." 6. Teacher: "Can you name some characteristics of18th century scientist Meng? Student: Yes, they are all dead. Qiang, a rhinoceros dung, fell in love with mosquito. Qiang asked what the mosquito did, and the mosquito said, "Nurse, give an injection." . "A Qiang patted his thigh:" Fate, I am rubbing pills in the Chinese Medicine Bureau ... "8. Africans live in a hotel. In the middle of the night, a fire, the reason is unknown. I rushed so many Africans before and ran out naked. The fireman exclaimed, "My God! All burnt places can run so fast! "9, a person wants to go abroad, but must get the approval of the boss. So he asked the manager for instructions, and the boss gave him a note that said, "Go ahead." The man thought, "Let's do it = progress, and the boss approves it. "So he began to pack. A colleague saw him and asked, "What are you doing?" He said: "I was going to study abroad, and my boss approved it and wrote me' Go'." Colleagues were happy when they saw the article: "Our boss hasn't approved it yet! ! ! ! ! Don't you know our boss's English? He speaks it to the head! 10, the priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse can only understand the language of the church, and it ran away when it was called" Thank God "; The farmer named "Praise God" disappeared. He tried to thank God and shouted, and the horse galloped away at once, running faster and faster. A frightened farmer ran to the edge of the cliff and remembered the password "Praise God" that made him stand out. Sure enough, the horse accelerated. Farmer Guan breathed a sigh of relief: "Thank God ..."

I played for a long time, please.

A thousand cold jokes. Judge: Where did you go that day?

Defendant: I stayed at home all day.

Judge: Can anyone prove it?

Defendant: My son.

Judge: Does your son stay at home all day?

Defendant: Yes. Where else can a baby under one year old go and do?

The imaginary life of 1000 people, um ... female college students in chemistry department.

Don't think I will be moved by the platinum ring. There are many platinum electrodes in the laboratory.

Don't think that just because I have a diamond ring, I will definitely agree to your proposal. In the eyes of chemistry girls, diamonds and graphite are both made of carbon and are allotropes, but their structures are different.

Don't confuse me with gorgeous colors. In the eyes of chemistry girls, it is only the electronic transition that absorbs waves of different wavelengths, which leads to their complementary colors.

Don't think that people are high and low, in fact, everyone's chemical composition is similar;

If you are too lively, girls in chemistry department will think that your entropy changes too much;

If you are in love, chemistry girls will think that phenylalanine is at work;

If you want to replenish blood, chemistry girls will advise you to swallow a small piece of iron, because iron reacts with Hcl in the stomach to generate divalent iron ions, which can replenish blood;

Female students in chemistry department have strong hands-on ability, because they often build various experimental devices in the laboratory;

Female students in chemistry department are very sensitive because they must pay attention to the procedures of various chemical reactions;

Female students in chemistry department are very courageous because they often deal with toxic and harmful drugs in the laboratory;

The girls in the chemistry department are very cute because they are looking for constant promises in the laboratory.

Female students in chemistry department are persistent because they believe in constant commitment;

Don't believe me, then the boy across the street looks over!

Just hug the cat.

After the quarrel, the husband and wife reconciled.

The wife said, "I'm sorry! I scratched your face and left a scar. What should I do when I walk on the road? "

The husband replied, "it doesn't matter, I just have a cat in my hand."

Impressionist painter

An impressionist painter's house was stolen and the police came to his house. The painter drew a portrait of a thief for the police, and the police looked for it according to the portrait. The next day, the police came to the painter's house and said to him, according to your portrait, we found a bike and two buckets.

I will tell you the funniest joke in the world.

Gabby: OK.

You are a handsome boy.

Beijing time is still accurate.

The boss of a township enterprise went abroad for an inspection and saw many clocks hanging on the airport wall, so he wanted to check the table: Beijing 9:00, Paris 1: 00, Tokyo 10: 00, new york 20: 00 ... He couldn't help cursing, "Damn, so many clocks in Beijing are still accurate."

A bit cold joke

Tutu said, "My mother calls me Tutu, which is nice!" "

The pig said, "My mother calls me a pig, which is nice!" " "

The dog said, "My mother calls me a puppy, which is nice!" " "

The chicken said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

The rabbit said, "I am a rabbit!" " "

The pig said, "I am a son of a bitch!" " "

The chicken said, "I am a son of a bitch!" " "

The dog said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

The cat said to me, "I'm your grandmother's cat. It looks good!" " "

The dog said to me, "I'm your grandmother's dog. It sounds nice!" " "

The fish said to me, "I'm your grandmother's fish. It sounds nice!" " "

The bear said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

Lang Ke said: "People call me a ronin, which is very nice!"

The samurai said, "It's nice to be called a samurai!"

The expert said, "It's nice to be called an expert!" "

The swordsman said, "You talk, I'll go first!"

Jimmy Lin said: "My fans say my idol is Ying."

Andy Lau said: "My fans say: My idol is Hua."

Jacky Cheung said, "My fans say my idol is called a friend."

Jordan chan said: "You talk, I'll go first!"

The senior math teacher said that I will teach senior math this semester.

The college physics teacher said: I teach big this semester.

The information management teacher said: I teach asset management this semester.

The socio-economic teacher said: You talk, I'll go first.

Peking University said: I am from Peking University.

Tianjin University said: I am older.

Shanghai University said: I went to college.

Xiamen University said: You talk, I'll go first!

General Li Zongren said: I am a benevolent man!

General fu said to him: I am just!

General Yu Dayou said: I am a man with great potential!

General Huo Qubing said: You talk, I'll go first!

The door of Lao Zhang's house is made of logs. Lao Zhang said: My door is a wooden door.

Lao Li's door is made of plastic. Lao Li said that my door is made of plastic.

The door of Lao Wang's house is made of stone. Lao Wang said that the door of my house is Shimen.

Liu's door is made of steel. Lao Liu said: you talk, I'll go first!

Bai Yu said: My name is White.

Jade jade said, my name is jasper.

Redjade said, My name is Redjade.

Apricot said: you chat, I walked first!

The students of normal college said: I am from normal college.

The students in vocational colleges said: I am from vocational colleges.

The student of the Air Force Academy said: I am from the Air Force Academy.

The students of the technical college said: You talk, I'll go first!

I want to find a cold joke. There is a man.

He looks like a motorcycle.

one day

He is resting by the roadside.

A man came and drove him away.

Cold joke, cold joke. Give me some … the story is scary at first and funny in the middle. The ending is tragic! Once upon a time there was a ghost who farted and died ~ ~ ~

Can you tell cold jokes? Tell a cold joke and leave! Two mental patients want to escape from a mental hospital, but they have to climb over the wall of 100. They crawled and crawled. When they reached the 20th lane, A said, "I'm so tired. Let's climb back. " B said, "No, go on ..." They continued to climb. On the 70th wall, A said, Let's go back. B still says no. They continued to climb. On the 99th wall, B said, "I'm so tired, let's go back." In this way, two people originally came back. ...

I like to watch cold jokes recently, cold jokes 1. With the signing of the treaty by Li Hongzhang, the dignity of an ancient nation was completely lost, and China was silent, but the post-90s generation appeared and hope appeared. I am waiting for the post-90s generation to overthrow the rule of the traitor Li Hongzhang. )

2. These children who have just grown wings. (bird man? )

3. One "post-80s" fell down, and thousands of "post-90s" in Qian Qian stood up. (……)

The 9.8 magnitude earthquake turned Sichuan into ruins. Classmate, you are too cruel. )

9,000 years ago, a great poet Su Shi once said ... )

6. Butterflies are also a flash in the pan. Cherish that butterfly, you won't see the same butterfly tomorrow. )

7. People are full of hope in the past and in the future. There are praises and worries in the past and firmness and confusion in the future. What will the future be like? There are rewards for understanding this tense.

8. It seems that you are the center of the small universe. Your family is full of saints? There is also a small universe! )

9. I haven't been into the kitchen, and I can't tell the difference between oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea. These five things are all different in appearance and cannot be confused. )

10, ten young men and women my age are married or have children. Does China's marriage law still work? )

1 1, maybe this mood is Mao Dun's. (Yes, it is not Lao She's. )

Kneel for a cold joke. The master of cold jokes came in. The original text is:

When a boy had sex with a girl, the girl received an offer from Duke University. At the boarding gate of the airport, that girl

Anxiously looking at the figure of the lady here. And when the familiar body really appeared in front of her, the girl

But dare not look at the attachment in each other's eyes. "If you let me stay, I will give up studying abroad." The girl secretly made up her mind

Determination. I saw that the boy took out a beautifully packaged gift box with a mechanical watch that stopped the needle. The boy put his watch away gently.

Put it on the girl's wrist, wind it up, let it go, and the stopped watch hand begins to circle again. "Yes, everyone will.

With a new beginning, why insist on this moment? "The girl of cutting and quickly walked into the boarding passage, the in the mind no longer nervous.

There was a little hesitation, only a glimpse of the sobbing figure touched a string slightly.

Sixty years later, the girl's temples were stained with snow, and she was packing for moving at her home in Boston. The American wife outside is

Coaxed the grandchildren into getting on the bus. Suddenly the mechanical watch at the bottom of the box suddenly appeared in front of her, and the memory suddenly flashed.

Back to the airport 60 years ago, the "girl" sighed for a while, wiped the surface and wound the watch.

Let go, and the stopped hand starts to turn again. . .

My wife shouted many times outside and didn't hear the "girl" response. On entering the room, she was holding an old-fashioned tearful eye.

Dance.

It turned out that at that moment, the boy was metaphorically saying, "The watch is gone ..."

Buy cold jokes, cold jokes, cold jokes at a high price ... If the topic is 1, five yuan is kidnapped by a criminal gang, call the hundred-dollar bill: "Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! " The hundred-dollar bill thought for a moment and said, "tear it up, you don't even have five dollars!" " "2. A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp. Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. Man: "I want a wife." ... the magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and covet beautiful women!" Pathetic! "Then he disappeared. Man: "... cake. "3. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" "You'll die if you cut so hard!" Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "4. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl struggles and fights to the death. After the failure, Panda Man said angrily, "We are all going extinct!" " 5. The race between the tortoise and the hare ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come on, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... the tortoise saw an ant again ... and told him: When the ant came up ... he saw the snail above ... and said to him. Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast ... 6. A man and a woman are eating. Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me? The boy looked at the girl and went on eating dinner. The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me? The boy finally said: Love girls, and asked: Then how do you prove it? Suddenly, the boy took out thirty dollars from his pocket and asked the girl, do you have ten dollars? The girl gave the boy ten yuan ... the boy put forty yuan on the table for a while ... The girl was very angry and asked the boy: Do you want to prove that you love me? The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner! (This cow! ) 7. One day, I visited a snack street and found a shop selling egg towers. Each kind looks delicious. I want to buy one to try. I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately? Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese. One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother shouted nervously outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." Son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." Mother said: "What socks did you wear after the fire?" Five minutes later, my son hasn't come out yet ... The mother shouted nervously, "Son! Come out quickly ~ I'm on fire, and I'm still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... "9. A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf first ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ so he had to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was very angry and took out 65438+. Buy it yourself! "10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine. The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies. Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan. He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. Then every other week, they start to work. A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first. When the Germans started, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted, "Surprise! 1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist. "Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?" "the sun." The patient replied. "Then how far do you want to see!" One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said: I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow. The cow said: I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly. The pig said: People who fart will blush. Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 13 One day, a man met God ... God suddenly kindly gave him a wish ... God asked ... Do you have any wishes? The man thought about it ... I heard that cats have nine lives ... Then please give me nine lives ... God said ... yours. That man was idle and bored ... He wanted to say dead ... In short, he had nine lives and was lying on the tracks ... As a result, a train passed by ... that man was still dead ... Why? Because there were 10 knots in the carriage of that train ... 14. One day, the funeral home sent three people. Strangely, their smiles after death were all ... The funeral home manager was puzzled and asked pol.ice: Why did their faces change? The policeman said: It's ... It's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He and his wife are in the spring night ... at the most * * * moment ... I can't stand it ... The administrator replied: Alas ... I would like to die in the flowers. Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... the prize was over 700 million yuan ... When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and then died ... Policeman: ... It's a pity that this one died ... He was struck by lightning while climbing a tree. The administrator replied: ... this is a bit wrong. Why did he laugh when he was struck by lightning? ... the policeman said: because he thought ... after climbing the tree, there was a sudden flash of lightning ... He thought ... it was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed ... You have heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man raised a pair of Beijing dogs. Once Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven, he took the pair of ... in the middle of the sacrifice. The bitch suddenly became anxious and ran under a tree to solve it. This is a very disrespectful behavior during the sacrifice, which annoyed the Jade Emperor. The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, which hit the tree right. The tree fell down and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

Adopt it

Not a cold joke.