But we all know that Harvard is the Harvard of Harvard. You can quote me. I have to admit, I am surprised to be here, because like many of you, I am very sure that ecstasy will happen. Please raise your hand. How many people wake up on Sunday and think, "You're kidding! I sold all my property, and I told my boss to fuck off while we were still here? " I can understand your feeling. I am very angry with heaven now. So I tried to write today's speech the way I wrote everything in college. I stayed up all night, listening to Sir Mixalot's music and typing on the Canon word processor. To be fair, first I took a nap, ate a big pretzel and cried for a while, then I went to see the movie Fast Five. I'm here to tell you that life is like a robbery, and it's a hard rule that you need a good driver, an explosives expert and a hot girl who is also a master of disguise. If the stone appears, they will be after you. But the class of 20 1 1 didn't invite me to tell jokes here. They invited me here to talk about the recent tension between oil traders and commodity futures trading commission regulators. I believe we have all read The New York Times this morning, and it thinks that there may be a complicated scheme, which depends on the close relationship between the physical oil price and the financial futures price. Of course, as we know, the two are moving in parallel. Funny.
What do I know about Harvard? I know it is the oldest university in America. I know it provides the ultimate experience of higher education. According to movies, I know it is full of people who get rich by inventing things or suing people who claim to steal their inventions. Let me be clear. I believe everything I saw in the movie. If you remember what I said today, remember this. Everything you see in the movie is true.
So, what do the top students of 20 1 1 need to hear from me? If I want to give you advice from a Bostonian, I will remind you: (with an accent) "Just because you are very smart doesn't mean you are better than me."
I also want to say (with an accent), "It's good that you work so hard. You graduated from Harvard, which must be good."
As a new york person, if I want to give you advice, I will tell you, "Excuse me, madam, can you move over? Don't walk on the bicycle lane, please leave the bicycle lane. " As a new york person, I also want to take some time to tell you that, as my taxi driver told you recently, Bloomberg plans to take the subway, but we all know that's nonsense. If I want to give you an actor's advice, I will tell you: don't do it. Come on. Too many. I have many talented friends, none of whom work. Sorry, there are no rooms in the hotel. I bet you are great, but you only study the human genome. You are all smart and experienced people. You know the world in a way that our generation has never seen before. Therefore, I realize that I don't have much advice for you. In many ways, I learned something from you. I don't have many answers, only questions. Specifically, when I use Facetime to chat with someone and take photos on the iPad, sometimes the screen will crash. How can I solve this problem?
What I can tell you today is what I have learned. As a person, I found something in this world. That is: you can't do it alone. When you sail for the rest of your life, be willing to cooperate. Others and other people's ideas are often better than your own.
Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you and spend a lot of time with them, which will change your life. No one is here today because they made it by themselves. Okay, maybe it's Josh, but he's just a total freak. You are gathered here today because someone has given you strength. Helped you. Hold you in their hands. God, Allah, Buddha, quack.
Who do you pray to?
They helped you get here, which should make you feel less lonely. I'm not so scared. Because this decade has been terrible. You were a child when you saw the plane hit the World Trade Center. You soon understand what it's like to lose control. Your adolescence was full of orange alerts, rough waves and unfinished tasks. For my generation, it is AIDS. We are all afraid of something. Your generation must get used to taking off their shoes at the airport. Our generation has to get used to the embarrassing public service advertisements that Boyz2men told us to use protective measures. But in those difficult days, we realized how wonderful it was to be part of a group.
But more about me. I moved to Chicago in the early1990s, where I studied improvisation. I learned some rules, which I still use today. Listen, say yes, live in the moment, make sure you play with people who support you, and make important choices as soon as possible and often. Don't start with a scene where two people are talking about jumping off an airplane. Start the scene that has been skipped. If you are afraid, look your partner in the eye. You'll feel better. This suggestion has come in handy, and I will often think of it when I perform in saturday night live. Live TV can be very stressful. I remember one time I was very nervous. I looked into the eyes of the host and felt much better. I should point out that I was wearing a chicken suit. The host is Donald Trump. He is wearing a bigger and more exquisite chicken suit. I looked into his eyes. I saw that he looked really stupid. I felt much better at once. Do you understand what this is all about? I should point out that this sketch was written by a Harvard graduate and a Northwest University graduate, but who cares, am I right?
I can't emphasize it too much. The answers to many questions in your life are often in other people's faces. Try to put down your iPhones once in a while and look at people's faces. People's faces will tell you amazing things. For example, are they angry, disgusting or asleep? I am lucky to be a member of a great team. My work in "Integrity Citizen Brigade" started my work in saturday night live. When I graduated from that comedy school, I was worried about what would happen next. Then parks and entertainment programs appeared. This is a program that I am proud of, where I can work with people I love. You never know what's around the corner unless you peek. Hold someone's hand. You'll feel less scared. You can't do it alone. Besides, it is much more interesting to succeed and fail with others. You can blame them when things go wrong. Take the risk now. As you get older, you become more and more afraid and inflexible. I am serious. I hurt my knee on the treadmill this week, and it didn't work at all. Try to keep an open mind to all possibilities and keep silent about things you don't know. Limit your "always" and "never" to continue to share your heart with others, even if it is broken. Don't think of your heart as a never-used action doll wrapped in plastic. Don't try to give me a nerdy argument that your heart is a limited edition Batman, and if it stays in its original packaging, it will increase in value. Harvard, you are not much better than me.
Even if you are smart as a class, you are still allowed to say, "I don't know." Just because your demand is high, you are still allowed to say, "Let me contact you again." This comes in handy when your parents ask when you are going to move out of their basement and you answer "I don't know". Let me call you back. This reminds me of my last thought: Will it kill you to be kind to your parents? They have sacrificed so much for you, and all they want you to do is smile and take photos with your eccentric cousins. Do it for them. Please don't roll your eyes. In this way, students of 20 1 1, it's time to leave. Oprah spoke.
So I'm going to end with this sentence: hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, okay, okay, okay. Group: abandoned children; This song: Hey. Lyrics: nonsense. I'm sorry that it was really late when I wrote this.
That's what I want to say. When you are afraid, hold someone's hand and look them in the eye. Do the same thing when you feel brave. You are all here because you are smart. You are very brave. If you add kindness and the ability to change tires, you are almost a perfect person. I thank you for inviting me to speak to you today. When you go out into the world, I hope you have love, light, happiness and laughter. As usual, please don't forget to tip your waitress. Thank you very much.
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