Only by breaking off diplomatic relations can you have bosom friends.
Author: Master Miao, blade master
As a teacher who teaches interpersonal psychology, I am asked almost every day: "How to make real friends?"
I replied: "Only when we break off diplomatic relations can we have close friends!"
After studying psychology for more than ten years, I observed a strange phenomenon.
In every class, there are always some "red people" who make friends everywhere from the beginning and get along well with everyone.
Although everyone seems to get along well, in private, others are full of criticism of "red man" What really praises everyone is some people who don't have a wide circle of friends and have their own materials.
Most interpersonal courses emphasize how to make new friends, how to eliminate misunderstandings and how to save friends. Few people mentioned how to break up with others.
Because we always think about many friends and roads, I don't know that many "hurting friends" can't open roads, but their ability to block roads is first-class.
It may also be that we are thin-skinned and can't stand the embarrassment of not being in touch. In fact, this is also a weakness in remembering the past.
The key to seeing whether a person has a mature interpersonal communication model is to see whether he knows how to break off diplomatic relations with dignity.
Don't be afraid to break up. Those who clamor for breaking up with us every day haunt our lives.
And those who never say goodbye have nothing to do with time.
Mother is a kind person, and her words are: make friends with the enemy.
As a result, she spent a lot of energy to get close to the enemy, not only getting hurt all over, but also alienating those who are really worth socializing with.
The biggest weakness of our time is that on the one hand, we want others to accept us too much, on the other hand, we are too easy to treat others as our own.
Today, when loneliness is everywhere, we must learn the people in the dark.
1, selfish and forgetful
When I was a graduate student, I once had a lover who fell in love for more than a year. We made an appointment to find an ordinary college as a teacher after graduation. I went on the day of the exam, but she didn't.
I called her, and she told me a lot of questions on the phone, and then she broke up, and then she couldn't contact me anymore. Later, a classmate told me that she was with a doctor who returned to China.
Dr. Haigui entered a key university through the talent introduction program. Naturally, as a doctoral family, she was arranged to work in a key university.
A few years later, I met her again at an academic exchange meeting. After the divorce, it was not easy for her to raise the children by herself. We chatted for a while and left each other contact information.
When she left, she implicitly asked me: Do we still need important people in our unit? Is there a compilation? Key universities have never solved the problem of preparing for exams for her.
After I came back, I deleted her contact information for the second time and never contacted her again.
We are not saints. I evaluate the balance between my own needs and those of others every day. I'm even willing to suffer a little if I can.
But in some people's minds, when the value of emotion is far lower than the real matter, I will not take advantage at all.
For those who believe that "all's well that ends well", maybe my "social status" is "garbage", but my greatest wealth is that I can control myself.
In front of exquisite egoists, love is vulnerable.
In front of these fierce carnivores, if you don't want to be chewed up, you should learn to stay away from them.
2. People who have been wasting you.
There is a reader who has been giving me a headache. Every time she sends me a WeChat, it starts with: "Teacher, I can't live any longer. I need your help! " Then she will list all kinds of things in her life, no matter big or small, and hope I can give advice.
I told her gently that a counselor helps a person grow up, not make decisions for her.
Besides, I am really busy. Sometimes, it takes one night just to enlighten her.
However, she still hasn't changed, so one day I stopped answering her news.
In interpersonal communication, some people can gain energy, while others have been wasting you.
Most of these people are honest and kind, but they just don't use their brains and can't say right or wrong. Instead, they get along very tired. Once they get close to you, you will have a bad conscience if you don't help.
Many people will advise you to fit in, and you must compromise at the critical moment. After all, everyone can't get rid of it together, and you can't see it when you look up. The person who said this will never tell you. In fact, there are many contradictions between them.
How many people bruise their souls a little in such gregarious and compromise, and finally can't find their original self. One of the great shortcomings of modern people is that they want to cater to others without seeing through themselves, which is completely putting the cart before the horse.
Sorry, my time and energy are limited. I hope that people around me and I will inject energy into each other instead of consuming it unilaterally.
I'd rather be your bosom friend than a cheap trash can for coolies and emotions.
3. The past self
Before writing this article, I opened the blacklist of my WeChat. I want to know who I hacked in the past five years. Open the record, I counted about twenty, no more, no less, and I recalled the reasons why I blacked them out one by one.
A classmate is a typical one who wants a red envelope if he doesn't agree with a word. Once he said he would give me five dollars and twenty cents, and he told me: my position in his heart. As a result, I didn't hear the answer for a month, so I received the request of "Send 13.6438+04, I will be your lover".
Sorry, I'm not gay, but I'm decisive.
Gentleman is a super negative energy player, and the space is full of dissatisfaction with society.
The most important thing is that he will teach me to be a man in every circle of friends, such as "this society is only dedicated to * * *!" "She must have won the prize by selling meat. She is too young to talk about business! "
Are you a teacher or am I a teacher? Lahezhi!
In addition, some people think that their attitude is too arrogant, or their emotional intelligence is too low, or they like to gossip behind their backs.
I lifted their blacklist, and I sent them new friends' information. I am glad that more than ten people accepted my request.
The classmate who asked for a red envelope sent me a red envelope and left a message "Welcome back!" " .
The negative energy man is married, and the space is full of pictures of the baby. Occasionally, I am a little dissatisfied with the society, but my tone is much softer.
I suddenly found that people can change, whether it is others or myself.
Now that I am strong, I won't always feel that others are bossing me around; For those friends who are a little "stupid", I also think they are cute. As for gossip, that's something I don't have to care about at all.
In interpersonal communication, we often like to blame others. In fact, we vaguely know that we also have problems!
The process of denying yourself and transforming yourself is very painful, but if you don't take this step, you will always be hurt. Life is full of humiliation of betrayal and a sense of security of self-deception.
Therefore, the person we really should be hacked most is the weak self in the past.
In short, if the gap between you and your friends is getting bigger and bigger, then the wounds repaired by compromise will only be torn in the accumulated friction, and then there is no room for recovery.
Please learn to be kind to yourself.
Sentimentality is a kind of stupidity. You can't live without a friend. That's just because you have too little experience.
: high emotional intelligence, not just talking.
Author: twelve
Recently, a question-and-answer session was held, and a fan asked me that she always felt that she could not get the high points of others and it was difficult to integrate into the big environment. What should I do? This is actually a problem that many people are worried about. I'm still not the kind of person who can talk particularly. Moreover, it is impossible for everyone to easily mobilize other people's emotions and be sensitive to other people's views like an orator.
But what I gave you was given to me by a friend many years ago-there is no shortage of boasters in this world, but a good listener.
Therefore, most of the people I meet are people who are troubled by emotional intelligence problems. The common obstacle is that they are eager to integrate into the environment, constantly denying that they are too stupid to talk, but never relaxing their nerves and becoming good listeners.
The real high emotional intelligence is really not just talk!
1. Being good at listening is also a sense of existence.
Cai Kangyong wrote an article in the form of a speech. He said that everyone wants to talk about themselves when chatting, which is human nature. But a friend who is "on the road" is someone who can listen attentively and give ear even when he hears the other person's nonsense.
Of course, I know many people will ask, will this make others ignore my existence? This is a misunderstanding of many people. People who have no sense of existence are not because they don't talk, but because they are curled up in the corner, emitting an atmosphere: others have nothing to do with me. They have been knocked down by their own inner frustration, and they have no ability to care about others at all, although what others say will still take the initiative to run to their ears!
I believe that when a group of people are eagerly talking about themselves, the person who listens carefully and speaks at the right time must be the friend that everyone wants to make most, because he makes people feel respected, cared for, sincere and reliable.
You have to obey before you can speak.
Old people often say that children who speak late will speak better. What I observed later was that those children who spoke late were more organized and logical. They often don't start with a word, but they can say a word soon. Why? Because they listen to adults very carefully, they really draw inferences from others. They will like a more complete expression.
I often tell my post-90 s subordinates-you wait for me to finish before you express your opinions. In fact, many people in reality will have this problem when they speak: take others' meaning out of context, or even understand it completely wrong, and then start to express it in a hurry, or don't express it at all, and let the mistakes continue.
So I think the best way to exercise my workplace ability is to take meeting minutes. I asked my subordinates to take minutes of meetings, with few words. I asked her why she said so little. This is what she understands, she said. Her view of the minutes of the meeting is to explain the contents of the meeting from her point of view. Actually, this is a very big mistake. Even if you don't fully grasp the vocabulary, you have tried to translate. The result is full of mistakes, not what the other party originally wanted to express. A good record is to try to restore the scene of that meeting and record the whole process of communication. If there are any problems in the future, there is evidence to follow.
This is the reason why many couples quarrel. How many people think of the past after breaking up, only to find that they didn't get the real meaning of each other at all How many misunderstandings and misunderstandings are due to too little understanding.
3. People who talk endlessly are more annoying.
In the blind date stories I have heard, men who are directly rejected by blind date often have a common problem-they keep talking while eating, and everything he says begins with "I".
What should I do? I bought a house. I bought a car. What kind of marriage do I want? What kind of life I hope to live in the future.
But any such man, no matter how excellent, is likely to be rejected, because every woman has an os in her heart when she hears this sentence: it's all me, me, me. Who do you think you are? !
Those who stand on the stage, everyone is looking forward to listening to them. Those speakers are never just because they are awesome enough. They just want to express themselves endlessly, but they always express a very advanced context-I have something to do with you, and everything I say has something to do with you. I hope what I said means something to you.
Brush the sense of existence, not by talking constantly. Even if you are good at talking, speaking for two hours will be boring. Moderate silence is a good way of expression. Because, silence, there is room, is a richer emotional flow.
4. Be a person who dares to admit that he doesn't understand.
If, I say, now, I really miss that stage that many people don't understand. do you believe that？
When I first graduated, I really couldn't understand what the bosses said, and even their daily chat was hard for me to understand. However, I really worked hard and listened carefully. My master said, I still remember staring at a pair of bull's eyes, sitting next to them and listening to them carefully. My eyes are still spinning while I am thinking. He said that at that time, he knew that a willing son could teach.
If you don't understand, it doesn't matter. Write it down, look it up and ask. Slowly and more, I can get to many connotation points. When you don't understand, it is actually the best time for you to grow up. Sometimes, being a person who can listen can actually learn more than talking.
The same is true between people. People who dare to say "I won't" modestly can often get more help, although he will inevitably face some contempt. People who dare to admit that they don't understand must grow faster than those who pretend to know and let themselves go.
The grass is bearing seeds.
The wind shook the leaves.
We stood without talking.
It is very beautiful
Everyone yearns for such an emotion that they can communicate with each other without relying on words. Many people are also eager to have the mind-reading ability as in science fiction and martial arts novels, but for me, I used to think that I was not good at talking and could only be a good listener. But gradually, when many people don't believe me at all and I'm not good at words, I feel that all my functions are due to years of listening, including being an excellent writer, and because many people believe in my ears, I know the true hearts of many people.
You don't have to be able to talk to be called high emotional intelligence. A comfortable, relaxed and cheerful listener gains more true feelings and essence than a boaster who seems to have the upper hand.
So, if you are a good listener, don't feel humble, because your existence is too important. For example, I definitely don't want to lose a friend who can listen to me well.
: Make yourself more educated.
In interpersonal communication, you can't cover everything, at least show your self-restraint in the nuances.
1, change all "thank you" to "thank you"
In the dense social network, we all inevitably seek help or get help and encouragement from others. At this time, expressing gratitude has become an essential communication skill. But will you really "thank you"?
When we get material or spiritual gifts from others, we often just say "thank you" in a hurry, and occasionally it is harmless. In the long run, it will inevitably appear perfunctory and insincere.
I suggest you cultivate a little habit here, that is, change all "thank you" into "thank you". Don't underestimate the difference, it can make your goodwill warmer and more impressive. Try it if you don't believe me.
2. Be consistent with the normal state when you are angry.
I have always had a view that whether a person is generous or not depends on his state when he is poor; Whether a person is calm and elegant depends on his state when he is angry.
Some people usually talk and laugh, which seems quite reasonable. If they disagree with each other, they immediately turn their faces, like fighting cocks. And some people, in the face of sarcasm, leave with a smile, not arguing about the gains and losses of a city and a place, just to show their high profile.
You say, how is the level of emotional intelligence expressed? I said, it is in this abnormal state that it is exposed, just like Degang Guo's famous saying: At ordinary times, everyone swims like one person. As soon as the tide recedes, people who don't wear swimming trunks can see through it at a glance.
Therefore, I suggest that the more you encounter the difficulties of the villains, the more you should hold your breath and take a step back and do everything before the enemy.
3. Maintain respect for all "little people"
I have seen a survey: What little actions of your partner can make you feel good about her/him instantly? A popular answer is actually: Say thank you to the waiter. It was strange at first, but it makes sense when you think about it.
The real strong people are not those who are cocky and appear to be the largest group in the world, but those who are neither humble nor humble and always tolerant and compassionate.
Compared with those with high status and great power, it is not unusual for a person to maintain humility and respect, but does he maintain enough respect for the "little people"? Be polite to the service staff? When you receive the leaflet, will you thank you? Are people with physical defects treated with tolerance? You can often tell his character.
4. Know how to listen and don't interrupt.
What kind of conversation partner makes people sneer at in communication? I think it's those people who don't care about each other's feelings and don't care about others' feelings. When they begin to speak, they don't forget to say a few words even when it's their turn to express their opinions.
Knowing how to listen is not only a quality, but also a communication skill. It can help you focus on the other person's point of view accurately in the communication process, grasp the psychology and purpose of the other person's conversation, and make your follow-up response targeted and rebound.
In today's society, language expression ability is a particularly important necessary skill, but those who talk a lot are not winners. I wrote an article about how to talk and how to make others think that you can talk, called "Can you really talk?" You can check it.
5. Always know how to push yourself and others.
Zi Gong, a student of Confucius, once asked: Is there a person who can walk all his life in one sentence? Confucius replied: it is tolerance. Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you. The teaching more than 2,000 years ago still echoes in today's society.
Over the years, I have found that the root of many contradictions and quarrels between people is precisely that I don't know how to put myself in others' shoes. We hate being disturbed by roommates during lunch break in the dormitory. When we take the bus, we hate people crowding around us. We scold passers-by when driving, and we scold drivers when running red lights, but what can we do?
If you consider your own selfish desires, you can also stand in the other person's point of view and consider the feelings of the person in front of you, then many contradictions will be solved and you will gradually become a generous person in everyone's eyes.
6. Pay more attention to manners and expressions when the valley is low.
Will smith, the most expensive actor in Hollywood, once starred in an inspirational film, The Purchasing of Happyness, which was based on a true story.
In the movie, the hero Chris is a frustrated salesman on the verge of bankruptcy. In the most difficult and desperate trough of life, even the most embarrassing time, Chris dresses himself professionally and methodically.
Even in hell, he will live like a god. You can see that Chris in the movie always wears a clean and tidy suit wherever he goes, but he is too poor to eat and pays the parking ticket to his boss. In order to make this local tyrant become his financial client, he tried his best to get close to him, but he always maintained a generous attitude of self-esteem, pandering without flattery, supercilious, self-respecting and sincere. ?
If you watch carefully, you will find that Chris in the film has a characteristic, whether walking or dealing with people, he will always hold his head high. You can't see the shadow of poverty in him, and you can't find a trace of shackles and imprints like "poor thinking" in his character.
Self-confidence, elegance, generosity, enthusiasm, persistence and atmosphere finally helped Chris to rise to the forefront of life and become a stockbroker as he wished. Happiness will always take the initiative to knock on the door of those who have a big life pattern.
7. Even if we have been together for many years, we often take care of the feelings of our loved ones.
My impression of my friends around me often depends on his attitude when he talks to his family. I have also met many people with high EQ, and found that there is a * * * similarity in them, that is, they maintain respect and respect even for the closest people.
We often make excuses for our actions: hey, I dare to hurt you so much because I am close to you. Typical robber logic. Others said, what are you polite to them? I am so outspoken when I think they are my own people.
If you really cherish others as part of yourself and don't even respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you?
In this way, we can understand why we should give men's tickets and women's tickets full face in public. Not because you are so generous and have a large collection, but because you are conveying the message that I love him, and I respect myself. Respecting yourself is self-respect.
8, clear-headed, normal speech speed, reasonable and not sensational.
In the process of dealing with others, you come to me and pass on two things, one is information and the other is opinion. Needless to say, just seek truth from facts. However, whenever opinions are exchanged, conflicts will inevitably arise. At this time, the debate has become a "normal" in communication.
Opposing opinions is not terrible, let alone shameful, but the way of expressing opinions is very particular. If you are emotional, your veins stand out, your voice is getting louder and louder, and you even blush and have a thick neck, people around you will judge you: it's so low, it's not cool at all. ...
Here, I want to remind everyone that when we exchange views with others, don't worry too much. Don't worry, the other party will finish, which will leave you plenty of opportunities to express your views. Moreover, when making a self-statement, we should slow down and avoid moral kidnapping. To be reasonable is to be reasonable. Don't be emotional at every turn. More and more people don't buy it, and everyone's ideas are clear.
9. Treat people as people rather than machines.
Nowadays, social interaction is too utilitarian and purposeful. Many people are too obsessed with methods and skills, but after getting along for a long time, you will always be lacking. What are the disadvantages? Sincerity.
Please keep in touch with your friends at work or in daily life. Do not pay now, do not pay now, do not pay now, emphasize three. This behavior gives people a really bad feeling.
In addition, there is another detail that is often overlooked. Please note that leaders are human beings, and bosses also have secular desires. Even in the face of a sister who came a few days earlier than you, many young friends who just entered the workplace will only listen to Nuo Nuo, for fear of saying the wrong thing and doing something wrong, and eventually become dull and stiff, even Apple's hands are shaking.
Here, I suggest that everyone should distinguish between public and private, find a correct position, be diligent in work and treat everyone equally in life.
10. Provide sufficient information during communication.
The last detail that everyone needs to pay attention to is: tell the whole story and finish it. In the final analysis, what is the most embarrassing thing in life? Misunderstanding. What does the misunderstanding come from? Insufficient information exchange.
Xiaoming asked Xiaohong to help him with a pair of scissors. Xiaohong doesn't know where she put them. Xiao Ming said: Over there, over there. Xiaohong doesn't know where the road is. Xiao Ming said, it's right next to that one. Xiaohong doesn't know which one it is. Little can't wait: Oh, how could you? Actually, he wants to say why you haven't found it yet. As a result, Xiaohong mistakenly thought that Xiaoming was accusing herself and cried and made a scene. As a result, both of them collapsed and were speechless.
Many times, as long as we are more patient and have more full communication and exchanges, many things are not big problems that cannot be solved. Don't believe that "hard life needs no explanation", be careful, and the explanation should be clear.
To sum up: if you blame, say less if you can; Important information, say as much as you can.