When I am quiet, I slowly pick up and sort out these tangled fragments from the ground, and they form a core-self-exploration.
I have been thinking about who I am, why I live, what is the purpose of studying for exams every day, what major should I apply for after the college entrance examination, and what work should I do in the future. Just at that time, my energy was limited, and more often, like everyone else, I studied for the exam and didn't have the energy and ability to do more exploration work.
The university was admitted to a good school, but I couldn't connect to the internet in a mountainous area, so I was thrown into a university where elites gathered and outsiders looked good. I don't know what I can learn after the exam. I don't want to study for the exam at all. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to explore myself. I have been in emotional crisis (depression) several times. But the environment around us is full of anxiety, everyone is anxious, and others can't give you advice. Even when I asked several teachers for help, they were too busy with their own affairs to give me guidance (later, according to my communication and understanding, they were also unable to give guidance for my situation). Later, I honestly finished the course I really didn't like, and I didn't even consider changing my major. At that time, there was no concept of liking or not liking, only this was the concept I should learn.
After the confused university, with good university and professional advantages and my efforts, the first two jobs are relatively easy to find good jobs related to my major, but dealing with numbers is really not my specialty. I can do it, but it's painful
In the two relationships before and after, I also realized that I was asking too much of each other and there were some communication problems. And I can't judge what kind of feelings I want, who I am suitable for, and I am blind and dependent. In addition, my parents' wishes also exist in my feelings. For example, they want me to get married early, and my boyfriend's family has been urging me to get married. Although I resisted for a long time, I finally compromised and began to talk about marriage, only to know whether this person is suitable for me.
The end of the first job was forced, because depression broke out and I couldn't work normally, so I resigned decisively. After that, I experienced the depression stage for nearly half a year-this is the beginning of my real self-exploration and the awakening stage of my self-awareness.
Peace is often different. I can't get back to normal through self-regulation or the help of others. Fortunately, it's not particularly serious. When I am still in action, I am keen on searching for information on the Internet for help. I began to contact psychology, understand people's psychology, and understand depression. Later, I went to see a psychologist (hospital psychology department, not psychological counseling) and prescribed antidepressants. I slowly returned to normal, without giving myself pressure. That was the first time I deeply reflected on myself. I found myself demanding too much from myself at work, too impatient, but too humble emotionally. For the excavation of the relationship with parents, it is also from that time to review and review.
During my second job, I began to understand psychological counseling because my feelings and work were mixed together, and I also got up the courage to see a psychological counselor. In this long-term consultation and self-learning process, I have a deeper understanding of my own inner self, and I have gradually discovered my "nice guy" characteristics, and I have discovered my potential consciousness suppressed by myself, including pleasing others and not daring to express myself truly. In fact, there are many needs and desires in my heart, but I am depressed because I am afraid of others' dissatisfaction, and I have seen my wronged and angry self.
When I realized all this, I growled at myself and my parents like a crazy little tiger. I blame myself for being so abnormal, hurting myself so much, and my parents for being so proud, because nothing can care about me with the understanding I want.
Self-awareness began to explode violently, and it was also harmful to rebel against parents. My self-awareness and the ideal they want are in fierce confrontation, and my heart is exhausted. The weak self is timid and wants to melt away the self he wants step by step.
I broke up decisively, changed my career direction and changed my city. Finally, I found that I thought it was just a kind of "rebellion" to get rid of my parents. I still want to prove to them that I can live and work without the way they want, but I am still influenced by them.
I am a Hakka in the mountainous area of western Fujian. The mountainous area is relatively closed, and most people are old-fashioned and prefer boys to girls; I am extremely concerned about face and hope that future generations can honor their ancestors. My grandfather died when my father was a senior in high school. Fathers who have experienced many changes in human feelings pay more attention to "inheritance" and face.
Dad can only have one child because he is a civil servant. I heard that he cried in despair after seeing that I was a girl. He once told me that the regret in this life is that he has no son. Grandma is a girl to me and has a bad relationship with her mother. My mother and my grandmother had many conflicts and even ran away briefly several times.
Dad is often away from home because of work and entertainment, and he is strict with me, so that when I grow up, I often feel that he has been dissatisfied with me. Until recent years, I heard my father say to me, "Do you think it's great to get into a good university? You are so introverted, you don't know how to socialize, and you can't get along in society at all "and" so you haven't worked hard enough! " "Why are you crying, so fragile, what can you do!" "People live not to save face, why live? ! "In this case, the contradiction with him intensified. )
At that time, I was young and sensitive by nature. I thought all these things were my fault. Therefore, I feel inferior, so please, be strict with yourself and always be dissatisfied with myself.
The relationship between mom and dad is not very good, mom is stubborn and anxious, dad is often not at home, and the communication method is simple and rude. They are not satisfied with each other and often quarrel. The relationship between husband and wife of people around you is also mostly bad. So I have no sense of security and I don't know how to love.
Parents want you to study hard, find a stable and good job, get married and have children early, and have a successful career; The school teaches you how to cope with the exam; When you enter the society, people tell you how to make money and succeed in your career, but no one guides you, how to face yourself and how to judge what suits you.
My life is full of "should", but not my "want".
What I have been doing in recent years, and what I am most proud of, is self-exploration. Through reflection, study, communication, seeing a counselor and practice, I have grown a lot.
Although I am very painful, I also hope that I can have a sound personality and mind directly without going through so much. But I have to admit, like many ordinary people, I don't have that luck. But God opened another window for me, awakened my self-consciousness with pain, forced me to face my repressed self in the past, forced me to adjust some unreasonable thinking patterns, and forced me to explore my own characteristics.
When I found out that I didn't know, I felt happy. In the process of self-exploration, I felt happy-everything is no longer just pain, but also an opportunity to accept and change myself.
1, know yourself-who am I?
I used to care about other people's eyes like my parents, and I was proud of myself. I used to think that as long as I had a good job, I would be happy if I had money, and I would be happy if I found a good partner. ...
But what is "good"? What is the standard? What they think is good is really good? Is this what I want?
Get rid of these external titles: whose child am I, the university I went to, the major I studied, the work I have done, and who am I? Don't I have no value without these?
For a long time, I ignored my feelings and took the expectations and evaluation of my parents and the outside world as the standard. For a long time, I couldn't tell what I really wanted and what I did to satisfy them.
I don't know what "desire" I have, what I am good at and what my internal driving force is.
In the past few years, I have explored my own boundaries and preferences in various collisions, constantly understood my feelings and needs, and constantly clarified my own advantages and internal motivation.
It was a man who found it snowing in the morning and went to the Forbidden City to enjoy the snow. He is a man who smells the fragrance of earth and likes falling leaves. He is a person who likes to go to various cities to drill hutongs and feel the local life. He likes to think too much. He is a person who is curious about many people and things and wants to know why. He is also a person who respects everyone who is alive and believes that everyone has his own value. ...
She is fragile and strong, selfish and kind, clumsy and sensitive, insecure, and cares about other people's eyes, but she is constantly learning and practicing, and has been advancing on the road to understanding herself. ...
2. Accept myself-I'm not as bad as I think.
Self-reproach, stubborn self, dissatisfied self, and sometimes feel that I am useless ... am I really so bad? Is this really all my fault?
I thought it was my fault. For the first 25 years, I thought everything was my fault.
I thought it was my fault that I was a girl, the contradiction between my mother and grandmother was my fault, and my father's regret was my fault.
I thought my sensitivity was my fault, and thinking too much was my fault.
I think it's my fault that the university didn't explore well, it's my fault that I don't know what I like, it's my fault that I don't know my own advantages, and it's my fault that I made mistakes in career planning. ...
However, what if you let a person who can only learn from childhood, can't surf the Internet in college, doesn't know what he likes and can do, is often in anxiety and depression, and often asks for help but has no guidance?
How to make a child who lives in a quarrel with his parents face his feelings in the right way?
It's hard for me to imagine that when the child was born, she felt disappointed by her family. Lying on the table, her mother had to go over to see if she was secretly crying. When she was less than five years old, her mother left several times because of family quarrels ... and she thought it was her fault-if some parents' behaviors were not rationalized, the children might collapse and live-and her inferiority and ingratiation were inevitable.
She can only learn more about herself when she grows up, learn by trying and grope in pain. As an ordinary person, she can only do so much. She may not have done well enough, but in that case, she really tried her best.
However, human nature is complex, not black or white, and good or bad can be judged. Everyone has his own limitations. My parents also have their own life problems to face. At least they try to love me.
After a long struggle, resentment and estrangement from my parents, I finally accepted what happened calmly and stopped worrying about what had happened.
I am also learning, slowly putting down those harsh criticisms, unloading those burdens, realizing every unconscious self-attack, and giving myself more understanding and care.
3. Be yourself-this is the best reward for yourself.
I used stubborn and fierce confrontation to complete the "rebellion" that I didn't fully realize when I was young. The way may be bad, but it does release a lot of depressed emotions. In the process of trying, I also know myself better than before. More importantly, my parents are beginning to understand that I will not work hard for the results they want according to their expectations.
I began to draw my own boundaries and choose my own life.
I am trying to explore my internal motivation and advantages, give full play to my potential and follow the trend.
I always believe that the self does not come from imagination, but is gradually explored and constructed in the process of real action.
Work and feelings are not the ultimate destination, but the way to know yourself and become yourself. We need to look inward, really enjoy the process of active choice, realize ourselves in the collision of various relationships, release ourselves, adjust ourselves, become ourselves, and feel the happiness of being in it in the process.
When I received the invitation of this article, the theme excited me. When writing an article, I actively want to write down my own exploration and growth process, which is very devoted and enjoyable. I think, self-exploration, yes, this is what I want to do.
A person is shaped by society, environment, family, self-awareness and action. Everyone has a different self. Self-exploration can help you explore the big questions in life: who you are and what you want, help you know yourself better, respect yourself and find your place in the world. Everyone's different exploration highlights the unique value and preciousness of his life, and also completes his unique life trajectory.
I hope everyone who sticks to the road of self-exploration can reap the life they want.
(The article was written in August 20 19)