1in the early summer of 947, the enemy's magic hand reached out to us more severely than before, and the air in Peiping was stifling. On the surface, all kinds of activities in the school gradually quieted down. At this time, vacillation and depression also climbed into my mind: "If the enemy catches me and cleans up, it will be really wrong. The revolution is not just this time, let alone a little fool like me! " I was delayed for a while, didn't attend any meeting, and stayed away from that group of friends. I quietly retired and retracted into my little world again. All day, I read a few pages of Byron's poems and played the violin a few times.
I can't stay nostalgic for the old, but I still have some nostalgia for the new; "Serving the working people" is great, but we are afraid that we have wronged ourselves in some places. In this way, one day, two days and half a year passed.
1948 autumn, the enemy's persecution became more rampant, and groups of blacklisted students ran to the liberated areas one after another. I watched them throw themselves into the people with a heart that gave me up.
Revolutionary team, staying alone in this boring and lifeless place, feels a little lonely and sad. I couldn't sleep for several nights, thinking over and over again what I should do. "Revolution, what's going on?" I am trying to think. Recalling the Soviet novels I have read before, I feel that the sky in the liberated areas must be vast and blue, and the green hills fluctuate far and near. During this period, groups of well-dressed revolutionary men and women were active on the battlefield and fought the enemy tirelessly. I guess their uniforms must be grass green, and they look good with brown and red horses. And sleep in a tent at night, wake up in the middle of the night, the insects in the skin pile are screaming, and the sky is full of shiny stars. The more I think about it, the more interesting it becomes. I think life will be bitter, but this turbulent and changeable day is quite to my taste. And people are gone, how great, I can't lag behind myself. Finally, I decided that I must go with them.
After all, I came to this land of democracy and freedom. At first, I was a little embarrassed. Rough rice is a little hard to swallow, and the dark earth house is dirty, full of fleas and lice, and there are several big bubbles when walking. Several comrades of the traffic police are simple, but they have emotional problems. At this time, I feel a little sorry, but I am very happy to see other comrades. I will bite the bullet and stay. A week or two passed, and I found many pleasant things. I see that every comrade here is so simple and always works for the people. I see that the people here are real masters and have gained freedom, democracy and food and clothing. I saw PLA soldiers with identification guns on their shoulders. In order to faithfully defend the working people, we fought bloody battles with the enemy. I see that the party, government, army and people here are United and are advancing triumphantly for the liberation of the people of China. The liberated areas are beautiful, and these vivid facts educate me with petty-bourgeois romantic fantasies.
I feel too naive and ignorant, and I am determined to study hard. Eighty-nine comrades formed a group. I didn't say much at the group meeting, for fear that it would make people laugh if I made a mistake, but that comrade remembered it well and felt sad and wronged because he didn't show his cards. I only allow my opinion to be recognized, don't I?
I can be criticized, otherwise I will feel humiliated. I can't honestly read and study all kinds of books and documents and learn revolutionary experience, but I will always remember some beautiful progressive words and decorate my mouth. Other comrades criticized me for studying for personal performance, not for better working for the working people and improving myself. I think there is some truth, but it is not easy to correct it. When I was depressed, I was assigned to go to the countryside with a working group, and I agreed happily.
Live in a poor peasant's house. A low hut, dark and stuffy inside. The heatable adobe sleeping platform was covered with half a broken mat, and some filthy cotton covers were piled up in the corner, emitting a pungent smell. I stayed, fidgeting and afraid to breathe hard. My heart is full of pity, I want to hold the old woman and cry bitterly, but I feel that there is a deep ditch between us.
There is a nest next to the wok, and I gradually get familiar with them. I am more used to sleeping, eating and chatting than when I first came here. But my heart is always uneasy, always on tenterhooks, for fear that their filth will touch me. Every day when enough paper turns white, the old lady and her son climb down from the pit and start to operate. I also accompanied them all day, lighting a fire at home, pushing a mill, collecting firewood and pulling weeds in the fields, and trying my best to tell them something about their bitter days. At first, I thought this life was ridiculous. Although it was hard, I tried. But after a few days, I don't know why, I began to feel a little lonely. The fun disappeared and I began to get tired. Let's get to work. Always boring. Let's chat with them. Which acres of land are used to fight for several buckets of food? The pigs have not grown these days, and the old hen has stopped laying eggs ... I listened to these words with my right ear and ran out with my left ear. On the surface, we can make out with them and gossip, but in fact, my heart has already flown there. I really hope to meet a generation of complaining student comrades and talk about their own feelings.
The meeting in the village was held. I stayed up all night that night and my hair was dizzy. Farmers who have been exploited and humiliated for thousands of years have stood up. They waved their fists angrily, complained, lived and shattered the shackles of this man-eating feudal land system.
Locke, the skinny old landlords, huddled their heads and melon seeds in the oil collar of their robes, shivering. They want to run away and hide their bloody and ferocious hands. These shadows are shaking before my eyes. I dare not look. I'm a little timid and hesitant. I can't stand firmly with the peasants and fight against the landlords.
In my work report, I frankly talked about my own situation to the organization, and several comrades made an ideological review together. Go back to work. I am wary of my precarious position. I restrained the feelings of my petty-bourgeois intellectuals, lived with them patiently and assiduously, opposed the feudal land system with them, and reaped my own fruits of victory with them. At this point, I educate myself every day.
I remember very clearly: one evening, I came back from the field and met Wang Laotou's child bride Xiaoyu in the east of the land temple. She was sixteen years old and came with a heavy bundle of dry wood on her back. I stepped forward and gave her half a bag. The two of them walked and talked. Finally, she looked at me naively and said, "Comrade Fang, that's very kind of you. In this old society, if there was no revolution, we people would have to hang ourselves. " My heart moved.
"Xiaoyu rebelled in order to survive. What is my revolution for? " This is a mystery. Only by uncovering this mystery can I truly understand myself and fundamentally transform myself. I think: I made progress from the beginning. I came to the revolution just to show off myself, satisfy my romantic fantasies and open up my own "personal hero" from the revolution. I don't understand what happened to "working people". What do they have to do with me? Why should I serve them? I did not resolutely abandon the selfish position of the petty bourgeoisie and faithfully came to the position of the working people. Thinking, speaking and doing things are all for individuals. I am vacillating, empty and impure. Xiaoyu's revolution is for the exploited, so he is firm, plump and pure. We petty bourgeois intellectuals must take off the filthy cloak of self-esteem and go to the working people, share joys and sorrows with them, and combine them to determine our revolutionary outlook on life, so as to completely transform ourselves.