He studied hegemony, or God, from an early age. Our junior high school is a good junior high school. He was accepted, and I paid for it through connections. He looks like a man in a novel. He is tall and white, studies well, likes football, has a good family, is cold, but is familiar with it, and has some sand sculptures. At that time, I was black and fat, dressed in terrible styles, stupid, and confused in my studies.
He is my back desk, because I am familiar with myself, pestering him repeatedly, playing various jokes with him, and gradually getting familiar with him. He never knew that I liked him, because I always knew that I was not worthy of him and was not qualified to like him. He occasionally plays tricks on me, puts chalk in my cup, always calls me stupid and laughs at me with others.
In order to get close to him, I became good friends with the girl he secretly loved. If he wants to chase that girl, he will ask me about her favorite snacks and her hobbies. I am really, really happy to talk to him and be useful in front of him. Two days before the girl's birthday, he asked me what gift to give on QQ at two in the morning. I discussed with him until almost four o'clock, and finally decided to send a stuffed bear. What he didn't know was that I had a high fever that day, and I was unconscious and miserable to death. I'd better stay up late to chat with him and give him advice.
Although I know that girl is not worthy of his liking, but he wants to get close to her, I still try my best to help. That girl has had many boyfriends, and they are basically flawless. She knows that he likes her and she doesn't like him, but she just hangs on him, wants to accept his snacks and gifts, and accepts him to send her home, but only says that they are friendship. She treated me as a friend, smiled and told me how stupid he was, how good his boyfriend was, and how many boys from other schools wanted their QQ numbers today. I flatter and envy her, but she deserves to be liked by so many people. She is white and thin, with a superior family, elegant manners and special beauty.
My grades in junior high school were poor and stupid. That's the joke of the whole class. Anyone can bully me. But I will ask him physics questions every day, and I am very happy to hear him ridicule me for being stupid. In the third grade, our head teacher seemed to see something, called me out of the class and asked me if I liked him. I admit it. She sternly warned me not to interfere with his study, and to be self-aware, saying that a rotten person like me could not affect his admission to the best high school in Tsinghua Peking University. The head teacher transferred me to the first row of lecture tables directly below, far away from him, and kept looking at me and wouldn't let me near him. I never had a chance to ask him questions again, and he didn't talk to me much.
My grades were poor, so I found a relationship in high school and went to an ordinary high school. Junior high school was admitted to a 985 juvenile class, but he didn't go, chose the best high school, and his grades remained in the top five, which is a myth among his classmates.
What a coincidence that the girl he likes is also in my high school. I am still friends with her, and occasionally talk to me about her new boyfriend and the one who contacts her occasionally.
I want to be worthy of him. I study hard. I go to bed at twelve o'clock every day and get up at half past four. I won't waste a minute. Eating is running back and forth, and I like nothing but studying. We stay in high school, finish school at four o'clock every Saturday afternoon and return to school at two o'clock on Sunday afternoon. I stay in my class and study until ten o'clock every Saturday. Except for the security guards, the whole school is empty. Every Saturday night, when I slowly walk to the school gate with my schoolbag on my back, I will think of him and wonder if I will meet again in college. I insist on going back to school at seven o'clock on Sunday morning, staying at home for less than seven hours, simply taking a bath and sleeping, and then coming back just to learn more and be closer to him.
Gradually, from grade 400 to grade 50 to 10 to 1 0, my grades have been stable in the top three since my sophomore year. A boy told me that my desk pocket was stuffed with a big box of chocolates, but I never accepted it. I thank that boy for letting me know that I will be liked by others, but I don't deserve his love.
In the year of college entrance examination, around February, I heard from my junior high school classmates that he was admitted to Tsinghua with a lower score in the competition. I cried when I went to the toilet for self-study at night. Tsinghua, he has always been so good that I may never see him again. The girl he once liked came to talk to me specially. She told me that she contacted him voluntarily, but she never got a reply. She wanted to be the girlfriend of a student in Tsinghua, but he grew up and never replied to her like that again.
In June, I took part in the college entrance examination. The day before the results of the college entrance examination came out, it happened that junior high school students had dinner with their teachers, and he also went. Three years later, he is still like that. He seldom talks, but he is very polite. He poured drinks for everyone and smiled shyly when talking to him. I was three seats away from him and made fun of him. He smiled at me politely and coldly. I looked at him quietly, and I thought it might be the last time I saw him in my life.
That night, the results of the college entrance examination came out, and I was 49 in the province. My mobile phone is full of congratulations from teachers and classmates, which is my happiest moment. I think, maybe, maybe, I can really start with him.
However, I accidentally got stuck in the admission line of Peking University. The teacher who handed it in called me three times a day. Fudan's teachers and Jiao both rushed to me. The teacher of Zhejiang University promised me to enter Zhu Kezhen College. The University of Hong Kong texted me free of tuition and a scholarship of 30,000 a year. My parents were ecstatic and asked me which school I wanted to go to. I looked at the thick counseling materials and told them that I was going to the National People's Congress.
I went to Beijing, went to the National People's Congress, and studied the best major of the National People's Congress, but I was not happy at all. I don't like this major, and I don't like dormitories, but I went anyway, because the National People's Congress is close to Tsinghua.
I often chatted with him when I was in college. Although I can see that he is perfunctory, I still look for him from time to time. Really humble to the bone. I told him about my dormitory, shared interesting things with him and discussed my ideal. I'm still his friend, but only a friend. Once I got up the courage to go to Tsinghua to find him, and he showed me around the campus, as always polite and distant.
Once I asked him bluntly if he had a girlfriend, and he told me no. He told me that there are many people and many beautiful women, so let me introduce him. I know, he just treats me as a friend. I took part in the 70th National Day Parade and went back to school in the afternoon of 10/day. I slept, put on makeup, put on my best clothes, and asked him if he wanted to go to the movies at eight o'clock in the evening. That night, Tiananmen Square set off fireworks. I got up the courage to ask him, and he agreed.
The film starts after ten o'clock. I arrived fifteen minutes early, bought a ticket and a drink, but he didn't come until ten minutes after the start, panting and telling me that he almost forgot. This film is very good. We all looked at it carefully, but that's all.
The film is almost over, and there are few people in the street. He said he would take me home, and I promised. On the way, I chatted with him and talked a lot. He said that his graduate students were going to study in America. He said that many of his classes were difficult and he talked a lot.
After he sent me to the National People's Congress, I told him to send me a WeChat when he arrived in Tsinghua. I waited and waited until after three o'clock in the morning. I was so tired that I fell asleep and didn't wait for that WeChat.
I haven't contacted him since. We are friends. We always have been.
I know a lot.
I know that he likes football best, that he sometimes has an axe, that he is single-minded, that he will be mean to people he doesn't like, that he is a little male chauvinist, and that he likes to get to the bottom of things.
Know that he likes slim and clever girls, know that he likes white and soft girls to spoil him, and know that he likes obedient and occasionally willful girls.
I know that he likes kittens, that he is a neat freak, that he will always play football with friends from a long time ago, that he is not good at making friends, and that he is even a little reticent.
I also know that I can't be wishful thinking, I can't lick the dog, I know that a girl should respect herself, I know that she needs strength to make others look up to her, I know that every relationship is precious, I know that I can't make myself look cheap, and I know that enough is enough.
But does he know?
Do you know I'm losing weight for him? Do you know that I am trying to learn how to make up? Do you know that I choose jewelry carefully to learn how to wear it? Do you know that I deliberately send a circle of friends where only he can see? Do you know that I bought many lovely pillows? Do you know that I check the information of his favorite stars bit by bit?
You know, the night I asked him to go to the movies, my roommate smiled happily beside me, and I also had that trace of expectation and delusion in my heart.
Do you know that I bought a drink at the cinema and bought a couple's money specially, so I carefully hid it and gave it to him inadvertently?
Do you know that I have been waiting on my way back to the National People's Congress, just like I have been waiting for eight years?
Do you know that I work hard day and night to be worthy of him?
My family is not very poor. My father is the director of the hospital. Deposit before the age of twenty 15w. My family has five houses in the provincial capital city, and my mother bought me 150w financial insurance. But why, why can't I see your back forever?
We haven't spoken for almost half a year, but I still dream about him from time to time.
I dreamed that I was back in junior high school. I am white and thin, and my academic performance is as good as his. He smiled and patiently answered my questions.
I dreamed that he took my hand and asked me impatiently why I still didn't go.
I dreamed that he still ignored me as always and looked at me sarcastically.
I dreamed that he held me and asked me why it took me so long to find him.
The moment I woke up, I always wanted to send him a WeChat, as if he would be as gentle to me as in a dream at that moment, but the next second I would wake up and remind myself with a wry smile that the dream is a dream after all, and the dreamer will never appear in front of me.
I hate it.
I hate being so stupid and ugly in junior high school, and I will always be a ridiculous clown in his eyes.
I hate myself in high school. Why don't I work harder? It's just one point. He and I are still two worlds apart.
I hate that I just went to college and expressed my thoughts too eagerly. In his eyes, I still want to eat swan meat.
I hate that I know it's not feasible now and still have paranoid fantasies, and I meet him again and again in my dreams.
Time flies, eight years. How many years does a person have in his life?
I don't know
But you were really good in your dream.