The son of senior three is the president of the student union, and his grades are among the best. He is a reserve player in colleges and universities. The daughter of Senior Two is also a famous middle school student.
Will such personal achievements and practical parenting methods be admired and imitated by many people?
Just like the plot reversal of the movie, at the same time when this "success strategy" was announced, the son of senior three proposed to drop out of school, and the daughter of senior two also proposed to drop out of school.
In a year and a half, the two children ate, slept, played games and watched TV and movies at home, which gradually developed into game addiction and movie poisoning.
During this period, my mother fainted three times and was taken to the emergency room. She was hit by a car three times, was hit by someone else with her car three times and had two major operations.
The two children are still indifferent to seeing such a mother.
When I was in extreme pain, my mother caught a lifeline-coach. This course completely changed my mother and wrote this book "Mother's Repentance Book"!
In addition to the reason why psychologist Wu Zhihong recommended this book many times, there is another reason. Warren Buffett and Jack Ma both said something similar: If you want to succeed, you should avoid failure and don't look at successful cases, because it has individual uniqueness. Look at more failed cases, find out the commonalities and avoid the commonalities of these failures, which will make it easier to succeed.
This truth is the same as when we were young, everyone had a wrong problem book. The correct title is always correct, and the wrong title will be wrong again and again. Find out the causes of mistakes and improve the correct rate, then our scores will be greatly improved.
In this "parental guidance" course, my mother completely woke up to the previous education model:
1, children are a tool to show off, a proof of successful education, and the strongest persuasion of their own careers.
Mom's thought at that time: children must study hard, win many awards and be student cadres.
Before every school cadre election, mothers force their children to participate in the election, revise and supplement them, and then recite them skillfully.
My son has won many elections, and the high vote has become a legend. My mother became an "election strategist" invited by the industry.
2, militarized management, what parents say is what.
The family is full of instructions, orders, confirmations and urging. Children are trained soldiers and obedient slaves.
As soon as the militarized management mode expired, the children began to rebel and actively resist.
Son from passive resistance to strong resistance, daughter from self-harm to collapse.
With the change of the child, the mother finally stopped and began to reflect on herself, from the initial roar to persecution and pleading, to crying and later panic, and then to the child's suicidal tendency.
Mom finally realized that she was not a parent, but an extremely horrible manager, monitor and ruler.
Two neglected things: never really praising children; I have never taken a good look at my children and talked to them seriously.
Mother's self-reflection on the origin of her life;
Born in a family and learning environment
Parents prefer boys to girls, eager to get their parents' recognition and respect, so they study hard; Due to family economic reasons, I chose an educational school that is not valued but has a scholarship, and I am more eager to surpass it because of my inferiority.
(Adler, an Austrian individual psychologist, has a very famous book, Inferiority and Transcendence. In the face of inner inferiority, we often choose two ways. One is to create inner superiority: for example, as long as I don't work hard, I won't expose my lack of ability. One is the pursuit of external superiority, for example, I want to work harder and be more successful than others to cover up my lack of ability. The reasons for these two manifestations are actually the same, both of which are the fear of inferiority caused by their lack of ability. Similarly, when we are afraid of being hurt by others, we may establish our inner superiority by closing ourselves, or we may pursue our outer superiority by hurting and retaliating against others. )
When the author has a child, he is eager for the child to get his wish and enter a famous American school or an Ivy League university.
She hopes to realize her transcendence through the Excellence of her children.
Safari Sabari, a famous American psychologist and psychotherapist, the author of "The Awakening of Parents" and "The Theory of Mother Evolution", analyzed:
Why can't they suddenly accept their children as they are, because they haven't accepted themselves as they are. The main challenge is that our children have not become what we imagined.
Most parents have been taught to pursue excellent grades since childhood, and it is difficult for them to understand that their motivation is not naturally formed, but comes from their insensitivity, their fear and insensitivity. It's just that they were taught from an early age to make up for all the shortcomings. They have never had a chance to get out of their ordinary experiences, and then they start to communicate with children, those who think they are ordinary or think they are not good enough. At this time, they suddenly realized that this shortcoming was projected on the children. )
When we find the source, we can start to change. The first step of change is to gradually transform the solidified thinking into the growing thinking, and this mother begins to become a learning mother.
She took part in various courses and exchange courses, studied step by step, and her mother came into contact with a brand-new field of education.
The American Wall Street Journal conducted a questionnaire survey on 1654 people with the theme of "American Dream".
One of the questions: "What do you think is success?"
The following answers appeared:
Second place? Wish a happy marriage.
Third place? Have a happy interpersonal relationship
Fourth place? Respect your friends.
Fifth place? Take the lead in one's own field
Sixth place? Having power or influence.
Seventh place? money
Eighth place? fame
So what is the first place? ? Is to be a respected parent.
So what can I do to get the respect of my children?
"Try to grow yourself and then share what you have with others."
What kind of people do our parents want their children to be?
What should I do if I want to cultivate my child into a person with excellent performance and outstanding ability?
First of all, let children have the ability of independent thinking, independent choice and independent action, that is, teach children to have "self-led learning ability."
The author's two children drop out of school because they have been in a learning life dominated by others or their mothers.
Children spend a lot of time in interest classes or on the way to interest classes, and have no chance to cultivate their ability to think, choose and act. They are used to following the instructions of their parents or teachers, taking the road arranged by their parents and teachers, unable to make their own choices, forced to rely on others, constantly regretting the results, and finally wasting time, money, spirit and life.
If children can go to school by themselves, in the present words, children come to repay their parents' kindness.
So how to give children motivation? That is, what we call an automobile engine, how to start the engine?
1. Where does confidence come from? Here comes the compliment.
Are children who are affirmed, respected, supported and praised more confident, or are children who are despised, disgusted, accused and despised more confident?
Of course, the former, the formation of self-confidence, the influence of the day after tomorrow is greater than the innate, when doing something worthy of praise, naturally want to do better.
Edison is the best example, incubating eggs in a chicken coop, and her mother whispered in her ear: How can you have such a novel idea? What great things will you achieve in the future!
Children will do similar things. Only when parents affirm their children's behavior can they enhance their self-confidence and cultivate their motivation to do things.
Affirmation, respect, support and praise are not only the core elements of cultivating self-confidence, but also the important skills of coaches.
It's a pity that we will spend a lot of money and energy on training classes for our children, but we don't want to spend some compliments on them.
Don't say what your enemy said.
Children who grow up listening to "the words of the enemy" will always find the best time to take revenge.
The author's two children took revenge for dropping out of school after choosing books that their mother was proud of to promote.
The real compliment is to change the angle.
Seeing that both her children refused to go to school, the mother suddenly felt that her students were very capable and could come to school every day. It was this transformation that brought her back to life.
She is very grateful to be able to breathe in a space with her children, and the children can accompany her, and there is a steady stream of praise every day.
When we are full of such praise in our daily life, the child's potential ability will also be awakened.
Praise training
Practice thanking everything you see and praising everyone you meet.
Once the Israelites are pregnant, they will tell their children how precious they are and how great their national blood is.
Moreover, the focus of Israeli education is to make children play better in the projects they are good at, which is "career planning education".
Finding out what a child is good at and praising it can greatly enhance his self-confidence and make up for his shortcomings.
The second factor that gives motivation is the goal.
Let children devote themselves to what they are good at.
Knowing what children are good at is to create an environment for children to choose independently, and then carefully observe what children are interested in through what they choose.
Fairy Lu, a supermodel from the countryside. Since he was a child, he especially liked the performance of models, and then he thought about it himself, made various materials into clothes, and took a lot of videos with mountains and rivers, farmland and factories as the background. Therefore, he is very popular from Tik Tok to overseas, attracting the attention of many fans and international fashion shows.
The goal of many of our parents is to push their children into school, but what about their children's goals?
Why do so many children drop out of school after being admitted to college?
From June 5438 to February 2020, it was reported that Nanchang Hangkong University ordered 2 1 students to drop out of school. 1 1 Dr. Southern Medical University was ordered to drop out of school.
Since 2020, many colleges and universities have dealt with the withdrawal of some college students.
The latest reply published on the website of the Ministry of Education mentioned the increasing pressure on college students. Unqualified graduates cannot flow out of society. They would rather drop out of school than give them diplomas easily.
The author also mentioned that children have no goals and no reasons. What's the use of studying?
Set a goal, find a reason to do it, and then you will take action.
How to be a good parent? Just like a coach.
For example, Lang Ping, no matter which volleyball team he takes, can achieve the best results in the world.
In the movie "Leap",
In the play, Lang Ping asks questions from the car. Do you like volleyball? Who do you work for?
. . . . . .
You taste, you carefully taste, this sentence and "do you love learning?" Who are you studying for? "Is it the same?
The next day, a team member told Lang Ping clearly that I didn't like volleyball and quit the volleyball team on the spot.
Zhu Ting's offensive talent was discovered by Lang Ping at a glance. She is very similar to herself when she was young.
In the face of this question and answer full of soul torture, Zhu Ting and his teammates' words are just like the portrayal of students now: "I went to the basketball team and they said I was too thin;" It is too long to go to the kayak team and too soft to play volleyball for the volleyball team. "
Just like today's students don't know what they are good at, let parents and teachers plan their own development direction.
Zhangzhou Volleyball Base Training Ground;
"Why play ball?" Lang Ping questioned Zhu Ting again and again.
At first, Zhu Ting was indifferent until Lang Ping's tone became more and more severe.
"For my parents." "Then you will never finish playing. Think again. "
Such an answer obviously can't satisfy Lang Ping, who is still serious.
"Are you content to be yourself?" Zhu Ting growled angrily, and the scene was startled.
Being Lang Ping is the dream of many women volleyball players, but Lang Ping said to Zhu Ting, "You will never be me."
This is not Lang Ping's pride, this is real life.
"Our generation is bitter. You should play your own volleyball, let it go, and leave caution behind. You don't have to be me, you just have to be yourself. "
An excellent coach should not only have excellent professional skills, but also have a pair of eyes to find talents and be a philosopher.
She raised a lot of enlightening questions for the players to think for themselves.
(Zhu Ting not only has an annual salary, but also a lot of sponsorship. As a successful athlete, Zhu Ting not only won the championship, but also got some sponsorship. The amount of these sponsorships should not be lower than her annual salary in the team, so her annual income is more than one million. )
Counseling parents often need to ask these questions to help children find problems and find solutions.
Good dialogue can make each other grow up. Parents and teachers try their best to help their children. When children can find their own solutions to problems, they will become more mature.
Counseling parents should focus on the sensitive period of what children want to do, rather than the critical period that parents think.
Three core elements of a coach: self-choice, supportive feedback and sense of accomplishment.
Basic idea 1: Give a choice
It is to believe that children have different potentials, and children will also give them the right to choose and let them cultivate self-confidence.
For example, do homework after dinner, or exercise after dinner.
Let's change it to coaching language: What do you want to do after dinner?
What do you want to eat, do, wear, go and buy? These things should be given to children when they are very young.
Basic idea 2: Give supportive feedback.
Give a common example in life:
The children want to play games after supper. Usually parents will scold their children, so what should the coach parents do?
Do you want to play games? Are there any interesting games recently? Why do you like games? How long is it better to play?
After such questions, the opportunity for dialogue will be extended.
The child said, Mom, I only need to play for an hour.
Mom replied: you want to play for an hour, but mom wants to say that you have homework to do, exercises to write, and many things to do. If you play for an hour, what you have to do today is either not finished or done very late. I'm afraid you won't get up tomorrow morning. what do you think?
Having said that, let the children adjust their own time.
Coach guidance is not obedient to children, but supports and affirms what children say, helping children think independently and make accurate choices.
Everyone has a reason and reason to make a choice. It is very important for children to ask the reasons to guide them to rethink once after giving them respect for their choices.
Basic idea 3: Let children feel successful.
If you can give supportive feedback to your child's choice, your child will have a sense of accomplishment.
This gives children motivation and helps them try to learn other things.
After learning the coach, the author began to listen to the children. As a result, she heard the saddest thing. Her son said, Mom, I just want to live. I thought I was going to die as soon as I went to school, so I wanted to quit school, but no one could understand me. Listen to me.
After listening to this passage, the author felt as if his heart had been torn apart. I didn't expect her proud son to be so miserable.
My son is really interested in music. The author began to encourage his son to run back and forth to find the teacher for his interest.
The child was very happy to learn and told his mother that I didn't feel alive until now.
Then I bowed to my mother and thanked her.
Written at the end: the best asset parents give their children is to let them see their parents' happiness.
Our parents should stop staring at their children, study hard, improve themselves and manage the relationship between husband and wife. Others, children will naturally watch and learn, and then grow up smoothly.
When children are themselves, they can feel self-sufficient, and they have the easiest way to achieve self-sufficiency.