The former is from the outside to the inside, and the guides are parents, teachers and others; The latter is from the inside out, and the guide is yourself.
The motivation for a person's growth ultimately comes from the heart, so the latter is the real success in education.
The premise of children's ability to "reflect" is that parents should give their children enough sense of security.
This is because the sense of security is an important basis for children to keep in touch with the outside world, and children absorb wisdom from the surrounding environment to form their own cognition.
Only when a person has enough cognition can he form the ability of reflection. The more comprehensive and objective the cognition, the better the effect of reflection.
One-sided wrong cognition will only lead children into a wrong development track.
Every baby thinks he is the center of the world when he is born. No matter what he wants, someone will satisfy him immediately. This will give him a sense of control, which is the source of his sense of security in this world.
When he feels out of control, he will blame the outside world and think that there must be a hostile force against him.
If the baby is in a world that is often out of control, he will feel that the world is full of malice to him. In order to resist this "malice", he will cut off all contact with the outside world.
And cognition comes from experience. Without contact with the outside world, experience will shrink and cognition will become incomplete.
At the beginning of a child's most helpless and sensitive life, his mother's timely response can make him feel that the world is controllable, which is the biggest source of his sense of security.
As the child grows up, he will try to accomplish one thing through his own efforts and gain a sense of control through his own strength.
When he gradually realized "I finished" and "I can control", his heart began to have its own strength and the most reliable source of security.
This kind of experience is a good start for children to move towards self-education.
Accepting children is the inherent demand of children's self-education.
American humanistic psychologist Rogers said:
In order for children to have a complete and good personality, they need to have a rich and beautiful life experience.
Rich experience comes from parents' acceptance of their children. If you don't accept it, you will cut off many experiences of your child.
A good source of experience is to respect the growth law of children. When a child's growth needs at every stage are well met, there will be a natural sense of happiness in his heart.
The growth needs of children are not the requirements of adults for children.
In the process of children's growth and exploration, there will always be various situations. Accepting children means not only accepting their good behaviors, but also allowing them to make mistakes and accept their failures.
In fact, every child will instinctively learn from his mistakes and failures. Just because of cognitive reasons, their ideas will be biased.
What we do is to help children understand right and wrong, establish a sense of rules and moral cognition, and guide them to learn correct reflection on this basis.
When children fail or make mistakes, don't blame them too much, otherwise they will only start their defensive psychology and concentrate on resisting the outside world and protecting themselves. In this way, he can't perceive his inner problems and can't reflect.
Many children are afraid of failure or choose to avoid responsibility when making mistakes and failures, which is caused by adults' rejection and blind criticism.
Parents must have the ability to jump out of the shadow of their children's failure before they can guide and encourage their children to "reflect".
As long as children have the consciousness of reflection, they will have a good start of self-education, which is the beginning of successful education.
A mother once took her 5-year-old son to the supermarket to shop, let him play in the playground downstairs, and she went in to buy things herself.
As a result, her son got into a fight with the child while playing, and when she came out, she just saw her son crying.
The mother quickly took her son out and criticized him for not fighting with the children.
As soon as the son got on the bus, he cried and said to her, "You are not a good mother. You criticize me when a mother protects her children. I hit someone and you asked me to apologize. Someone hit me and you said it didn't matter, it didn't hurt. You are not a good mother at all. "
The mother was taken aback by her son's words. She immediately reflected on her behavior and found that she always asked her children to be friendly and polite, and criticized them whenever there was any contradiction. She realized that it was really inappropriate to do so, which made the children feel that they were always denied and not accepted by their mothers.
She apologized to her son: "Mom made a mistake today, and will ask the reason clearly in the future, and will not wronged the baby again."
Hearing this, the son replied, "Mom, actually, I'm also at fault. I kicked him hard in the ocean ball. "
Mother sighed:
Children's imitation learning ability is very strong. When parents have the courage to reflect on their words and deeds in front of their children, children will also take the initiative to find their own shortcomings. This natural demonstration and guidance is the best way for children to learn to reflect and educate themselves.
A parent who is always right can't cultivate children's reflective consciousness.
If parents insist on saying "I am always right" in front of children, children will not realize their mistakes and limitations. Such parents not only don't reflect on themselves, but also tend to shift the responsibility of the problem to others or the outside world.
Since you are always right, it must be someone else's fault. Many times, children become scapegoats who are attacked and denied by them.
In this way, children can not only learn the concept of "reflection" from their parents, but even think that the best solution after problems arise is to draw inferences from others.
The other is a perfectionist parent. They can be imperfect to themselves, but they must ask their children to be perfect and not allow any mistakes, otherwise they will completely deny their children.
When a child is denied and suppressed, his heart is closed and any voice and wisdom will be blocked by him. At this point, what he thought of was how to resist and deny everything outside.
Even if he is forced to demand himself according to his parents' will in order to get their parents' approval, he will subconsciously resist. Such children are full of stress because of conflict and will live very tired.
Giving children pressure is not as good as giving them motivation.
The difference between the two is that the pressure comes from the outside and the motivation comes from the child's heart.
Parents put pressure on their children when they were young. After the formation of inner parents, parents don't need to be present, and children will feel the same pressure.
Inner parents are usually formed before the age of 5.
If parents always impose their will on their children and constantly violate, interfere with and control their children's will and play a key role in their children's affairs, then their inner parents will become stronger and stronger, and their inner children will become weaker and weaker.
In this way, no matter what he does, it is difficult to produce natural happiness. Even happiness is recognized by the outside world. At first, it was recognized by parents, and later it was recognized by teachers, classmates, friends, colleagues, leaders and others.
This kind of children lack real enthusiasm for learning, and they study hard just to get recognition from others, which is impressive. Their study will become forced learning, and their inner parents will force themselves to work hard, but their inner children will feel pressure.
In this way, he didn't feel the joy of learning, the more he studied, the more tired he became, and even caused strong resistance from his inner children, and finally gave up his efforts completely.
A healthy person, the inner child will continue to grow and eventually fall in love with his own strength. When he is doing what he likes, he will have a natural pleasure.
This kind of pleasure will become the most primitive motivation in his heart, driving him to work hard, devote himself naturally and solve problems constantly. When he does this, he is very flexible and creative.
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