The psychological development of a person's life roughly goes through several age stages: before birth (from conception to birth); Infants (0 to 3 years old); Preschool (3~6 years old); Middle childhood (6~ 12 years old); Puberty (12~ 18 years old); Early adulthood (18~25 years old); Middle adulthood (25~65 years old); Late adulthood (death at the age of 65)
Have you ever noticed that adolescent children feel like a different person? The person who used to want to kiss and hug from time to time when he walked around you and chattered in front of you has disappeared. Maybe one day, you will find that children's expressions begin to become precious, sometimes they hesitate, and their behavior begins to become a bit secretive. He often closes the door, and some of his temper began to change. Maybe he was calm a second ago.
Perhaps at this time, as parents, we are still thinking about the clingy and lovely scene when he was a child, but in reality, children are often uncertain in rain or shine, and their emotions fluctuate greatly, which will occasionally toss up the fragile hearts of us old men and women. Perhaps more, there will be some adolescent problems such as indifference, lying, talking back, rebellion, internet addiction, puppy love, or inferiority, cowardice, depression, weariness of learning, etc., which makes parents feel so sad and helpless.
So the question is, what happened when the child reached puberty? What should we do as parents?
Then when we encounter a problem, we must first find out the cause of the problem.
Just like a tree, if the leaves are yellow, you can't just look for the cause on the leaves, because it's not the leaves that are in trouble, it's probably that the trunk is eaten by insects, or that the root water lacks nutrition, or it may be a natural phenomenon of weather change. Only by finding the root of the problem and solving the problem from the root of the problem, right?
So, what are the root causes of adolescent children's behavioral and psychological problems? Let's discuss it together. What are the root causes of adolescent children's behavioral and psychological problems?
The first is the problem of adolescence, which usually comes from childhood.
As psychologist Adler said, "Happy people use childhood to cure their whole lives, while unfortunate people use their whole lives to cure their childhood."
"Do you know that children need not only material nutrition at all stages, but also psychological nutrition of relevant people in the growing environment?
Therefore, do you think that the wrong parenting model of parents in childhood is one of the important reasons for the problems of adolescent children?
From the perspective of developmental psychology
In the infancy of 0-3 years old, the company of parents' sense of security plays a very important role in children's physical and mental development in the morning. If either parent's safe companionship and parenting are absent at that time, or the relationship between family members (important others) is not harmonious at this time, it will bring fear, injustice and harm to children, and even lead to children's insecurity. He won't feel love, it will make him feel the fear of being abandoned, and it will lay a thunder for adolescence with bad parent-child relationship and even psychological problems in the future.
Preschool period is 3 to 6 years old, which is a critical period for children to enter the park, leave home and enter social development.
It is a critical period for children to cultivate all kinds of qualities. .
Then if the children in this period are in an unstable family environment, even some children will be scolded and denied by their parents. Of course, what can be faced is the isolation of children's classmates and teachers in kindergarten.
Before the age of 6, if the child is separated from the important people (parents, grandparents) who raised him, it may lead to the child's insecurity and the child will be self-enclosed. This kind of closure has some physical feelings and some emotional language expressions, which will lead to serious problems in interpersonal relationships. It may even lead to children's inferiority, lack of self-confidence, anxiety and so on. Perhaps some children will be indifferent to important people (parents), parent-child relationship is tense and so on during adolescence.
6- 12 This age group is the middle period of children, and the school age at this stage is in the primary school stage. Children move from home to school and have a wider circle of life. This stage focuses on cultivating children's study habits and abilities. It is an important period to consolidate and strengthen various abilities developed in the family before, let children form habits and lay a good foundation for learning.
Then, some parents may only care about their children's grades, and punish them in extreme ways if their grades are not up to standard. The result is often counterproductive, making children feel tired of learning and even anxious, seriously frustrated and unconfident.
12 to 18 is a child's puberty.
The psychological characteristics of children in this period are
Independence has been significantly enhanced. Teenagers gradually reduce their dependence on their parents and elders from the age of 12, and have the desire to be independent. Teenagers are still unable to get rid of their parents' obedience economically, emotionally and spiritually. In the eyes of parents and elders, teenagers of this age are still "children" and need the care of their parents, so they often have a lot of confusion and anxiety, which is what psychologists call the "second resistance period".
During this period, parents and teachers should not interfere with or protect them too much, nor make too many demands and criticisms on them, let alone "take over" all the affairs of teenagers and leave them no "space". Of course, we should not let ourselves go and meet any of their demands unprincipled, but should guide them on the basis of love and respect to help them pass the "second resistance period" smoothly.
(2) Enhancement of self-awareness With the progress of adolescence, the self-awareness of adolescents is also increasing. This development is mainly from junior high school students' cheerful, cheerful and imaginative to senior high school students' cautious, enthusiastic, patient and rational characteristics. Their independence and planning in study and life are more obvious. They can not only reflect and blame themselves, but also consider problems more rationally. They have a strong desire to discuss and determine their own ideas, and their independence and criticism in thinking are enhanced. At the same time, they not only care about themselves, but also begin to care about the things and people around them, including not only national affairs, but also families and the surrounding environment. Their self-awareness, self-evaluation and self-education ability have been greatly developed.
(3) Maturity and development of emotions. Teenagers' emotions and emotions will also change significantly. Emotions in this period are often easily aroused and mobilized, and the range and intensity of emotional changes are relatively large, but the duration is relatively short and the self-control ability is poor, so that it is called "sudden storm" emotions.
The above three points are important characteristics of adolescent psychological development. For teenagers, we must pay attention to adjusting our mentality in time in life. At the same time, on this basis, we should also pay attention to the development of our own physical and mental health, so that everyone can spend adolescence safely.
So what do many parents do in real life?
In a case I once received, a boy told me such a thing: growing up, my parents either didn't accompany me when they should, and tried their best to manage me when they shouldn't.
Growing up, I had to listen to them. They always quarreled in front of me. When communicating with me, I only know depression. Compared with other children, I have never said anything positive. Studying at school every day is stressful enough, and when I get home, I will be suppressed by my closest relatives. "
In the end, adolescent children pay more because they have many problems and obstacles in their hearts. If parents use simple and rude methods to discipline, how can adolescence not appear? Even in college, work, love and family relations, psychological shadows buried by childhood will appear.
The fundamental reason for adolescent children's behavioral and psychological problems is that their physical and psychological levels are changing. First of all, let's talk about physiological changes. Adolescence is the heyday of individual growth and development. During this period, the physical and physiological functions have changed rapidly, especially the brain, because thoughts, emotions and behaviors are controlled here.
American neuroscientists Paul Mai and Klein put forward the "trinity" theory of brain structure.
According to his research, the human brain mainly has three functional areas, namely the first reptile brain, which is not controlled by the will and will protect itself when it is in danger. Children begin to use basic life functions such as heartbeat control, breathing, escape and eating as soon as they are born.
The second is the animal brain, which contains almonds, which is related to the hippocampus structure of emotion and memory. After birth, it will develop rapidly and form several primitive emotions with reptile brain, such as emotional brain, intestine, anger, sadness, fear and so on.
The third cortical brain, that is, the rational brain, develops late, and usually does not mature until the age of 25, and then analyzes the rational maturity. In other words, the development of rational brain is inferior to emotional brain, which is the internal reason of emotional uncertainty of adolescent children.
For example, adolescent children are like a car. This car is equipped with a very powerful engine, lemon almond. As we all know, adolescent children's amaurosis will increase sharply, and at the same time, his amygdala will develop rapidly, so he is full of motivation, but his prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for emotional control, is lagging behind, equivalent to the configuration of an old car, so it is difficult for him to control the speed. Therefore, relatively speaking, boys' self-control will be slightly weaker than girls', which is determined by boys' physiological and psychological development characteristics.
Therefore, adolescent boys and girls need to spend twice or more energy on self-control than ordinary adults. As parents, we should recognize the causes of such a science and accept their emotions and behaviors like a container with love. Children's emotional loss of control in adolescence does not mean that there is a problem in one aspect of their morality, but a normal situation that will occur at this stage of development.
Let's talk about the psychological changes of adolescent children first. Adolescence is neither a child nor an adult. It is a transition period between children and adults, and it is also a very hard and difficult transition period for children. Most adolescent children's independent needs will be more prominent, but at the same time, they have no ability to live independently, no economic income and insufficient skills, and they still need to rely on their parents.
Then conflict comes, leaving parents means losing protection, and accepting control means losing yourself. Ancient people didn't have this trouble. The ancients often got married and had children in their teens. Since then, they have stepped into the society early and regarded the society as an adult, so no one questioned his autonomy. However, most modern people are still studying at school during this period.
He must be more bound by society, listen to his teachers in his studies and his parents in his life. This creates a struggle between instinct and superego. At this point, the child's reaction has two forms, either sublimating to study hard, or releasing instinct to start puppy love, or even quarreling with parents.
But what makes parents have a headache is that most children do not sublimate their instincts, but choose what they want and seek happy internet addiction. Another manifestation of puppy love autonomy is to leave parents and find a sense of belonging among peers.
Adolescent children's anger at parental control is a manifestation of separation needs. Adolescence is actually a process of secondary separation. The first separation he experienced when he was a child was to separate from his mother and break away from her arms. When he was a teenager, he had to be separated from his father.
Then he will be separated from the whole family. At this time, he needs to find his peers and get their approval. For example, if a child meets a group of friends with similar interests in the game, and they have a common topic, then he will feel supported and accepted in the group. For our parents, only by understanding the psychological and physiological changes of adolescent children can we understand and accept the behavioral changes of children.
The third root of adolescent children's behavioral and psychological problems is the influence of parents' intimate release. Have you found that whether you like your mother or not, as a woman, you are more and more like your mother now, and whether you respect your father or not, as a man, you are more and more like your father today. This is the loyalty of children to their parents. No matter how much I hate you, my heart is loyal to you.
As parents, we seem to have two sets of standards of behavior. One set is our own. Although we know what is bad, we can also comfort ourselves. I am too old to change, but I don't want my children to follow in my footsteps. Another set of standards is that children can't do it themselves, or they can't do it well. I hope children can do it or do it well, but the truth of life is. Parents are originals and children are copies. Children don't listen to what we say, but watch what we do. Deep friendship is always better than words, that is, the power of the subconscious is 3 million times greater than that of consciousness. Children are like a mirror of our behavior, which allows us to see ourselves more clearly.
If we see that children have some problems, it is usually just the result, and the real reason often comes from our parents. It is often said in psychology that whoever loses will change. Children who are loyal to their parents use imitation to create pain for their parents, such as rebellion and contradiction, to wake up and save their parents who are deeply troubled and unaware, so as to force their parents to grow and change.
Knowing so many root causes, what should parents do? Here, I give some suggestions on how parents in different periods should play a good role as parents.
At the age of three to six, parents should play the role of teachers and managers, encourage their children's curiosity, and let them know what are the signs of danger and the rules of the group. Let children have their own curiosity, know how to integrate into the world around them, and establish self-confidence, sense of responsibility and sense of rules.
From the age of 6 to the age of 12, parents should play the role of a good mentor and guide, guide their children to ask questions in an enlightening way, and establish the basic skills to explore the various abilities that children need. From 12 to 18, children began to be independent, and the role of parents was even more backward. They just act as coaches or consultants for children to fully experience the world by themselves, including their studies, their partners, love, their attempts to the world and their independent thinking. Parents just guide them how to think and let them decide for themselves.
12 to 25 years old, allow yourself and your children to be close friends, just understand them, and let them fully show themselves without any help.
From the age of 25 to 33, the child is completely independent and wants to go his own way. At this time, parents can only give him some inspiration and let him find his own life path. Role, especially how to give children the psychological nutrition they need to grow up, we sincerely invite you to participate in the systematic study of online family education courses, so I won't expand them one by one here.
Recommendation 2: Use rules instead of emotions to deal with relationship problems. We often say that love without rules is doting, and love without rules is an education that hurts a child's mind, which includes two aspects. On the one hand, parents' love and appreciation for him, physical and mental care, and nature help children grow into the best self, which is a tree that grows with young trees. Have a foundation. On the other hand, parents help their children understand the rules, know how to respect others and abide by social rules, so that this small tree can grow up and truly stand on the strength between heaven and earth.
The best time to establish children's rules is the kindergarten stage. If we make good use of the sensitive period of order at this time, children's awareness of rules will be effectively established and protected. Adolescence is the last stage for parents to establish their children's awareness of rules. If you miss this stage, many children will spend their whole lives buying it. If parents can't teach, society will teach, and if society can't teach, law will teach. Adolescent children are not so much the biggest makers of rebellious problems as their parents.
Of course, some parents will say that I usually educate my children, but I just can't control my temper. I get angry easily when I see my children make mistakes. Sometimes I can't help cursing or hitting him. In fact, many parents do not ignore their children, but often use the wrong method.
What should parents say and do? Don't worry, because of time, today we can't start this conversation about how to refuse parents gently and firmly, without emotion, how to set an example when children are young, and how to establish their own sense of bottom line and awe. Remember, don't beat and scold forcibly, be gentle. Welcome everyone to continue to learn and grow.
Suggestion 3: In the face of adolescent children, do three things well, adjust your mentality and change your voice. As I said before, adolescent children are different from the little ones who wander around you every day. You play with them and ask you why. Parents should adjust their mentality, because mentality determines state, and state determines success or failure.
Finally, we must put the gesture. The condescending attitude of parents will only make it more and more difficult for us to cross the gap with our children. We should keep a low profile, communicate with children equally and calmly, adjust our mentality and change our voice. The nine words of posture are easy to say, but it takes some time to do, because habit patterns have a great influence on us.
How to change this model? Work hard at the subconscious level to change the wrong definitions and associative reactions you gave your children in the past.