"I was born in a family of three children, and my parents have a traditional concept of son preference. When I was a child, my father worked outside all the year round, and my mother took us to earn money.

Every day when I come home from school, I help my mother cook and take care of my younger brothers and sisters. After I am busy, I have time to do my homework. I feel very hard and want to help my mother reduce the burden, but no matter what I do, I will be scolded and criticized by my mother most of the time.

I couldn't figure it out at the time: why was everything I did wrong? Why can't I make her happy? I don't even think I'm their own. I thought about suicide ... "

After reading her message, I remembered what a teacher said: parents who ignore their children are not as eager to attack.

They know that children violate school discipline and do not cooperate with education;

Their children can do whatever they want without any pressure;

They turn a blind eye to everything about their children, not to mention their mental health. ...

Indeed, the most irresponsible parents are invisible.

So, today, let's talk about parents' "cold violence" against their children.

Cold violence is a kind of aggression by non-military means, that is, it crushes the psychological and spiritual level of the other party by non-coercive means such as indifference, contempt, verbal threats and extreme picky.

Liu Jiji, a psychologist, found that more than 70% of families have experienced different degrees of "cold violence" through the investigation and study of more than 2,000 families in Beijing, Tianjin, Wuhan and Changsha. This kind of "cold violence" exists between parents to varying degrees, whether it is a family of senior intellectuals or a family with low education.

The French clinical psychologist Marie-Frans Hirigoyen first put forward the word "mental abuse" in her book "Cold Violence".

She said that through mental abuse, it is really possible for one person to destroy another. It is not an exaggeration to call it "mental murder". However, mental illness does not lead to abuse, which stems from emotionless rationality and an attitude of not treating others as "people".

Some abusers' crimes will be criticized and punished by law, but most abusers use their charm and adaptability to find a way out in society, leaving a bunch of injured souls and painful lives.

1. Children cannot give timely response when they are 0-6 years old.

I talked to a mother who was suspected of autism before. She said that when she was pushing a stroller to take her children for a walk, she always played with her mobile phone and didn't know how to interact with them. As the child grows up, she often does housework, puts the child on the railing of the living room and lets him play by himself. When the child was 5 years old, she found that he was different from other children.

The research of child psychology shows that enthusiastic and timely response is the key to obtain the best development effect. "Timely response" means responding to children immediately and paying attention to their concerns. When children's attention can get "supportive results", they can learn effectively.

Once children carefully reach out their tentacles of interest, when they want to explore the outside world with strong curiosity, the consequence of being ruthlessly ignored or blocked is that they lose interest in the outside world, their curiosity becomes narrower and narrower, and their world becomes more and more colorless and cramped.

The cold war between husband and wife deeply affected the children.

A graduate student recalled her childhood:

"My mother is the perpetrator of cold violence all the year round. However, her cold violence is still in its infancy-ignoring people, not eating, not sharing a room with you.

Because dad is in poor health, mom doesn't want him to drink. Every time dad comes back drunk, mom always ignores us, all the time. Every time my dad goes out to eat, I can't eat and play at the same time, so I quietly hide under the covers and pray that my dad won't drink and come back early.

My state has reached a bit morbid. I didn't know my personality was deeply influenced by them until I was an undergraduate. "

Cold violence has great destructive power invisibly. Cold violence between parents for a long time will turn into an invisible knife and stab the child's heart. Although the victim's body is unscathed, his mind is riddled with holes.

3. Verbal cold violence (negative emotions are vented on children)

For example, helping a child with his homework in the middle of the night is almost 1 1. He is still dawdling, and his exam results were still not satisfactory two days ago. Moreover, it happened that the couple had a quarrel that day ... you finally couldn't help it and shouted at him, "I can't do anything about you." I don't care about you. I think you are as hopeless as your father, and the countdown to homework is still dawdling. It really makes me angry! When I grow up, I will be as useless as your father. "

Labeling children as "waste" and putting the shortcomings of adults on them emotionally will make them feel more and more unable to do anything. They seldom reflect on themselves and become harder. Instead, they are more ashamed, less confident and even "broken cans and broken falls" and give up on themselves.

A few days ago, a sixth-grade girl had an argument with her mother because of her homework and said angrily, "It is better to die." Unexpectedly, her mother answered her coldly and said, "Then go to hell." Unexpectedly, the girl jumped off the building.

For many parents, they may never realize that this language is also a kind of violence to their children. Although it leaves no trace, the negative impact on children's psychology is indeed lasting and even fatal.

Four major acts of violence against children: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and cold violence. Among them, cold violence has the greatest influence on children's mental health. This is the unanimous conclusion of experts from Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences.

Through research, it is found that the prediction results of these four kinds of violence (a statistical indicator) are 0. 17, 0. 14, 0.06 and 0.37 respectively, and the prediction results of anxiety are 0. 19, 0. 15, 0.02 and 0 respectively. These data show that cold violence greatly increases the probability of children suffering from mental diseases such as depression and anxiety.

So, how can parents reduce cold violence against their children?

1. Look at the child's feelings and put the child first.

In the book "50 Education Methods-I Send Three Sons to Stanford", the author Chen Meiling said: "When children ask me questions, I will never say wait."

Sometimes when she is busy, such as cooking in the kitchen, the children come over and ask her, "Mom, mom, why is the sky blue?" She can't answer, and she has no time.

However, she always turns off the fire immediately and says, "Oh, that's a good question! Let's find the answer together! "

Parents need to adjust their emotions and mentality, always pay attention to and respond to their children's feelings and needs, and know how to sacrifice themselves.

2. Communicate with children calmly.

Before communicating, you need to think about what kind of tone to use to communicate with your child. Don't blame directly when you come up, say something else first, such as something that children like or care about. Beating and cursing can quickly make them admit their mistakes, but it can't have a substantive effect. If the child does something wrong, reasonable reasoning is the most effective. You can talk to your child until the child accepts and recognizes it.

Cold violence, such as cutting meat with a blunt knife, will destroy the intimate feelings between children and parents and more easily have a negative impact on children's psychology.

3. Don't quarrel or be cold and violent in front of children.

The material needs of children's growth are not so important. The most important thing is whether their inner world is happy.

An expert in children's education once conducted a survey on children in kindergartens and primary schools with the topic "What kind of home do you like best". The survey results show that harmony and love rank first. In front of many children, material living conditions, food, clothing, housing and transportation, and even fun toys are not as good as parents who don't quarrel or get angry. The family lives in harmony and the family is full of love.

4. Systematic family therapy.

In a family, the behavior of any member is influenced by other members; Personal behavior will also affect other members. This closely related chain reaction will lead to many so-called pathological family phenomena; And a person's pathological behavior is often maintained by meeting the psychological needs of other members.

At the end of the message, Xiao Chen said that since she became a mother, she began to understand her mother and think about her situation: low education level, so tired every day, so stressful life, and insisted on sending them to college one by one. She did her best.

However, the shadow of cold violence, like dementors, has been haunting her for so many years, and she is always involuntarily absorbed. She vowed not to commit cold violence against her family; If the other person is cold and violent, be sure to stay away.