I have a classmate, whose parents prefer boys to girls, and my brother, who always belittles her in various ways.

For example, if she can't tie her hair, say she is stupid as hell; If she doesn't do well in the exam, she says she is not suitable for studying, and going to school is a waste of money. She must go home to cook after school. If she can't do it well, her mother will say that she knows nothing but eating.

We occasionally go to her house to play, and her mother will say in front of us, "Look at others, this is good, that is good, what is good, what do you think?" My classmate lowered his head and clenched his fist angrily.

Even sometimes her mother will say that her daughter has lost money, and when she is raised and married, she will contribute to others' families.

She was admitted to the university, and her parents didn't praise her. They just said, I hope my brother can have this kind of luck in the future.

Although her parents always supported her to go to college, she applied to a school far from home. In the past four years, except for going home for a few days during the Spring Festival, she worked while studying at school in order to escape her parents.

She said that working hard to make money just didn't want to owe her parents too much, so that her parents could continue to belittle her on this ground. After graduation, she chose a city far from home.

Now she is 36 years old and still single. She said that she didn't want to get married or start a family, and felt that she didn't have the ability to run a good family, let alone have children.

Although she has made great achievements in her career, she said that all this was to fill her inner insecurity. The inferiority complex in her bones made her unable to realize the joy of achievement and success.

Inferiority makes her work harder, but it makes her extremely insecure about love and family.

Her mother is old now, but when she sees me occasionally, she will still nag my classmates for being heartless and not knowing how to come back to see her.

However, have parents ever experienced the hurt in their classmates' hearts?

Born without good upbringing, they often belittle and abuse their children. It is even more difficult for such parents to harvest a child close to them in their later years.

In the first half of last year, my son was often belittled and compared with others in a kindergarten. The children and parents in that kindergarten are particularly vain. Every week, I will buy fruit for the children to share, because every child will take turns to buy it. The director always said that I spoiled my children. I don't understand how I spoiled them. I don't spoil them every day. Her children are used to it. I let her nag me every day. As soon as I thought about why I spent money, I changed the kindergarten for Bao. Now the kindergarten environment is good and clean, teacher. When my son comes back every day, he doesn't have to write every day or do his homework at night as before, just look at the reading on his mobile phone. I don't like children to be too tired in kindergarten, and they will be very tired after primary school. The teacher said that he taught enough in kindergarten every day. My son does know a lot of things.

Will being belittled by others lead to mental illness in the future? This is not entirely certain, but the heart will definitely become unhealthy.

At that time, a psychologist made a survey on a group of female college students, and then more than 60% people hated their gender and thought it was better to be a boy. This is because childhood, society and family admire men!

In this family, the father usually provides the source of subsistence, that is, money, and the mother provides care for the children at home and various health matters at home.

Under such circumstances, many people will unconsciously improve the status and level of men in the family, but in fact, according to Allard, the father of Allard's personal psychology, this is a model of family composition. Father actively provides financial resources, while mother can't afford family and tasks, that is, family health management, which is a kind of division of labor and cooperation. In the division of labor and cooperation, both sides should respect each other's division of labor. But the current social situation is that most people will improve their status because men provide money, which is wrong.

Parents start with their children. What was the mother's first task? It is to make children interested in things and people around them, people and things.

Because we can't live independently without society, cooperation is the basis of future human existence.

If the mother was degraded for a long time in the same year at the beginning or in the family environment, then the children can't have a good cooperative attitude with their friends around them in the future? This is the most basic.

There are many extreme examples, just like a girl who has some mental illness. In her mind, she always thought that her mother treated him as a dog, and then she treated herself as a dog, but in the end, she met a very good psychologist. After three years of long-term comfort from him, she finally improved her mental state.

Long-term depravity does not necessarily lead to mental illness, but it will certainly lead to mental unhealthy, and finally it is difficult to cooperate with society. This is a very critical issue.

Children's inferiority and timidity, a style of doing things, have a lot to do with a guiding direction in the early family, especially in the family atmosphere like our country, because our country's encouragement methods are all negative encouragement to stimulate children's growth, but children can't understand it, so we should use positive encouragement instead of reverse encouragement.

There is a saying in China that if there is something, we should change it, and if there is nothing, we should encourage it, but most parents and friends can't do it, so we should not be too strict with our children. That's all.

Let's take a look at seligman's learned helplessness experiment.

Learned helplessness was put forward by American psychologist seligman when he studied animals in 1967. He did a classic experiment with dogs. At first, the dog was kept in a cage. As soon as the buzzer rings, give it an uncomfortable electric shock. After many experiments, when the buzzer sounded, the dog could not escape the electric shock. Before the electric shock, the door of the cage was open. At this time, before the electric shock appeared, the dog did not escape but fell.

The same is true, especially in one's childhood. Being accused of being belittled for a long time will make me feel worthless. In my consultation, I met many mental patients, especially many girls aged 28 to 30. Most of them define themselves as idiots in childhood and primary school. Many children have been accused by their parents for a long time. You can't do this or that. You can't learn anything Why can't you learn this for so long? Parents' disappointed and disgusted eyes and demeaning tone will make children who are already afraid of doing things more and more afraid to do things. Because doing things will make mistakes, mistakes will be criticized, and slowly such children grow up, afraid to try new things and have no initiative. Because trying means making mistakes, and in order not to make mistakes, I would rather not try.

I recently had a consultation. The girl graduated from a university in Shanghai and studied in Europe for several years. I can't go to work when I come back, and my interpersonal skills are poor. What I have learned for so many years can't be used at work. So after working several times, I went home and opened a coffee shop with my mother. Of course my mother is in charge, because she goes to bed late and gets up late every day. My mother introduced several boyfriends through relationships, but once or twice she stopped seeing each other. Recently, I met one of my own, and when I got home, my mother was shocked. This man is ugly, his education is not as high as that of girls, and his home is far away from girls, so he can't talk. But my daughter liked it very much, and her mother was in pain and came to me for advice.

In my mother's mind, I think so. Outside, no one criticizes children. We don't criticize each other in front of outsiders. An outsider who says you have shortcomings. I am a mother. If I don't point out my child's mistakes, I won't be a good mother, because I point out her problems to make her better. However, my mother didn't see that criticizing and criticizing a person for a long time would make a person lose confidence, make a person vulnerable and make a person afraid to do things. So a picky mother will have a problem child. I said this to my mother at that time. Let her and her husband do experiments, let her husband criticize her for a week in a row, see if she can endure it for a few days, and see her emotional reaction and stress resistance. As soon as I finished, she understood that even if an adult is always accused and criticized by close friends, you will have two reactions. 1 type thinks that men don't love themselves and deliberately find fault, and the second type will appear. Am I really going to die? Am I bad now? Am I really useless?

So after the consultation, my mother said that it is difficult to be a parent and it is easy to fall into extremes. Some parents completely affirm praise, some parents completely criticize and deny, and few parents can praise when they praise and deny when they deny, because this degree is extremely difficult to grasp.

A girl with no self-confidence found a good boy, and she felt that she couldn't control it. I have no confidence to marry a good man, so I feel insecure. She took the initiative to find a boy who was much worse than herself, which made her feel confident and safe. So a person's self-confidence has been destroyed since childhood. Today, whether she is a graduate student or a doctor, she will feel inferior to others because she is worthless in her heart.

So how to change this situation? First of all, we must admit that we are powerless, worthless and afraid to make mistakes. Only when you know yourself can you change, otherwise it is difficult for a person who doesn't know himself to change.

Hello, I am a professional psychological counselor, a clinical hypnotist of the International Association of Psychological Counselors, and have nearly 30 years of clinical experience in psychotherapy. Let me answer your question!

Psychologically, there are two kinds of mental injuries that a person experiences, from "acute trauma" such as natural and man-made disasters to "invisible trauma" left by a malicious word. But psychological trauma is often "invisible", that is to say, most people don't realize that they have been psychologically hurt.

"When I was a child, I often heard the blame of my parents. I didn't get enough love since I was a child, and I was always denied by my teacher. It seems that students with poor grades are not worthy of respect, excluded by their peers and looked down upon. Their eyes and smiles are so ironic. The repressive "teaching" of parents will make children feel that they are useless. "

Such moments often seem uncomfortable and long, but we believe that with the passage of time, this discomfort will pass.

However, the psychological trauma we ignore is just "pretending to forget". In fact, they have long been engraved in our feelings and sense of self-worth, become a part of your personality, and really affect today's life.

When I was a child, this influence is easy to form the following performance when I grow up!

1, strong self-attack

I often deny myself and feel that I can't do anything well. When something goes wrong, it is very easy to blame yourself and think it is your own fault. When interacting with people, I always dare not speak confidently, and I dare not approach the person I like.

2. Be shrouded in bad mood

I feel more uneasy, anxious and helpless, and easily angered in interpersonal relationships, but I suppress my bad emotions, full of grievances, and my heart is always unhappy.

3, too sensitive and fragile

Fear of making mistakes, fear of being denied, self-confidence and fear in social life, it is difficult to truly trust and rely on others, even intimate.

4, inexplicable physical reaction

Some wounds will be hidden in our bodies, inexplicable headaches, diarrhea, physical discomfort, or nightmares, which are probably the result of early traumatic memories. External unsatisfactory performance often comes from the inside.

A person who is hurt in the heart is often trapped in a traumatic lifestyle, so bad factors from family, school and so on will affect a person's childhood life, so don't hurt people with bad words.

I hope my answer can help you. Good luck!

Yes, long-term belittling of childhood will lead to inferiority, worthlessness, security, timidity, fear and so on. And then these will be hidden in this person's subconscious. It has a great influence on this person's life, work and study.

Because he has a deep sense of inferiority, even if this person looks successful, this person still has a deep sense of inferiority. There is often a voice in my heart that tells me that I am not good. Even if others affirm him, he doesn't believe me.

Because he has a deep sense of worthlessness, he will put himself very low in interpersonal communication, please the other side and wronged himself, and there is no principle or bottom line.

He must be very angry when he grows up. Maybe it's because he didn't have so much power when he was young, and he didn't dare to resist the people who had been belittling him. When he grows up, he has strength. Sometimes this person will be very angry and grumpy. There are obstacles in interpersonal relationships.

Of course, the past has happened and we can't change it. But what we can change is the impact this incident has brought to this person. These influences can be adjusted and changed through psychological counseling.

It's my personal opinion. You can have a different opinion from me. I respect everyone who disagrees with me.

Being laughed at and belittled in childhood may lead to inferiority complex, inferiority complex, cognitive psychological barriers, and unsatisfied self-esteem and needs, which have been suppressed in the bottom of my heart. As an adult, this situation can be improved through study and experience.

For example, when you grow up and experience emotional and business relationships, you will feel inferior, underestimate yourself, have uncoordinated interpersonal relationships, be sensitive to other people's eyes, care about other people's evaluations, and often need encouragement and warmth.

On the one hand, I am not confident from my parents' family, afraid of losing, and love to compare with others. The quality cultivated by family background is accompanied by people's life, which is reflected in life and work, rejection of others, social behavior and so on.

Let's take a look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is generally recognized by psychologists.

As can be seen from the above figure, our human needs are developing from low to high, and the bottom two steps are physiological and safety needs, which are biological instincts or impulses. To put it bluntly, it is the same "survival need" as animals; As long as we have enough food and clothing, it is the advanced demand of human beings, which requires love, respect and self-realization.

A child has been belittled for a long time, and he certainly can't feel love and respect in his heart, and he lacks inner self-esteem and self-confidence. Naturally, he can't talk about self-realization. For such children, we only solved their low-level physiological needs, but did not meet their high-level inner needs. What's the difference between keeping children and pets?

Born to be human, our initial understanding of ourselves comes from the eyes of others. Children will see themselves in the eyes of their parents, and students will see themselves in the eyes of teachers and classmates.

A child who has been degraded for a long time, in the eyes of parents and others, sees and hears himself as bad, poor, incompetent and unacceptable ... At first, he will establish a preliminary feeling about himself according to these people's views: I am a person who is worthless, incapable and can't do anything well. In the long run, he will deeply form a certain cognition of himself: I am a meaningless person. I am a person who should not exist in this world-the last sentence is what we call "no sense of existence", which is also one of the fundamental reasons why many people are depressed, commit suicide and seek relief.

There are too many such examples in life.

I have a visitor who cried in the consulting room and said that he didn't feel alive, and he was like a walking corpse all day. Another visitor felt that he was disappointed by his parents when he was born. She tried hard to be a hero who satisfied her parents, but she never made it. She fled her parents and entered the marriage, but "jumped from one pit to another".

She just drank too much and was dizzy, so she wouldn't think so much and fell asleep. These two visitors have had the same experience since childhood, but they have hardly been affirmed by their parents. What they feel from their parents' eyes and words is satisfaction. Although they haven't been maliciously belittled for a long time, they are already very sad. ...

Psychoanalysis theory holds that a person's childhood trauma, impulse and fantasy will remain deeply in his subconscious, and childhood personality is the personality foundation of a person's life, which is what we call "looking at the old at the age of three".

Since childhood is so important to the formation of key personality, people who have been degraded in childhood will definitely have no self-confidence, no sense of value and no healthy self-esteem when they grow up. If they really think they are "bad" and "unworthy", and if the world is unworthy, what's the point of living? This may be a child who has been despised for a long time, and the biggest psychological problem in adulthood.

What a person's life is like mostly comes from his cognition of what his life will be like, and cognition determines fate.

Many children who have been degraded for a long time will become depressed and absorb others' degradation through introspection. One criterion of depression is low self-evaluation.

At the same time, a person who has been belittled for a long time has long been used to belittling himself. When he is looking for a new object and developing a new intimate relationship as an adult, he often automatically goes to the person who belittles himself, which is a bit "abusive". They copy their degraded patterns in all interpersonal relationships, because this is their familiar "taste" and they will repeat the patterns constantly.

The depravity of childhood will be like putting a spell on the child's head and constantly chanting that you are not good. When such people grow up, it's like being enchanted, saying that they are not good every day.

Therefore, modern education emphasizes the need to "encourage" children and praise them more. When children feel better, they will do better and better. A child who feels good inside is a kind of self-confidence, and he will really have a wonderful life.

Finally, add one point: childhood is an important critical period of personality formation, but it is not a decisive factor.

In fact, we were all criticized and belittled to varying degrees in our childhood. China culture pursues "criticism makes people progress". Under such circumstances, who can grow up unaffected?

But when we grow up, with the growth of inner strength, we can completely tear off that spell. As long as we keep an awakening at any time: am I really that bad?

Then check whether we are biased against our own cognition according to the actual situation. In this state of reflection, we can slowly let go of our fixed cognition.

Therefore, if you have grown up, I believe you can repair the childhood injury and take good care of your inner children.

If you are a parent, please remember: encourage children more and let us stop hurting in our generation.

Of course it will. Inferiority is a mental illness. A very important factor that causes inferiority complex is childhood experience.

The first is brain development.

Childhood is the differentiation period of our brain development. Therefore, the experience of this period of time has laid the foundation for the normal establishment of self-worth in our later life. Through the study of the nervous system, we know that there is a reward and punishment center in the brain, which can accept different information stimuli.

Children who are often pressured and punished by their parents, the punishment system in the brain has a greater influence on them than the reward system. In this way, when these people become adults, they will feel the rejection or punishment of others more keenly. Thereby forming an inferiority complex.

Secondly, unsafe parent-child relationship is also the cause of inferiority.

Parents' imperfect personality, fickle emotions and excessive anxiety will infect children and make them feel at a loss. In childhood, parents are the only dependence of children. In order to please their parents, children will cater to their parents to suppress themselves and form their own inferiority complex.

In addition to this unconscious influence, there is also the so-called "education". In order to cultivate their children into a certain person, parents will make many rules for their children and ask them to meet the requirements of the rules. This kind of upbringing either makes children lose themselves, or makes them fall into the whirlpool of failure and be hit hard. On the surface, parents are good for their children, but in fact they have introduced their children into the swamp of inferiority.

This is true, because this person's psychology is gradually mature in the growing environment. If he is in a state of depravity for a long time as a child, his psychological environment will become more depressed and negative, then his attitude towards himself is negative, so it will definitely affect his mental health for a long time. If you want to change this state, you can only constantly adjust your psychological state in the later growth process. At the same time, do more things that can make you feel a sense of accomplishment and slowly cultivate your self-confidence. This is a process of reeling and peeling cocoons. Don't rush for success, you will repeatedly deny yourself in the process of change, so you must persist at this time. Only by persistence can we slowly consolidate the long journey and consolidate the new psychological environment.