At present, China is basically an only child, which means that every family provides a treasure as a treasure. Mom and dad are spoiled at home, not to mention grandparents, who have basically become little emperors. As parents, the psychology of doting on children is certainly understandable. Who can really be cruel to beat, scold and criticize their children? Sometimes it is reasonable, but people are emotional. After all, how can you not spoil your children? However, people should also have a rational side. For the sake of their children's future, parents sometimes really have to hate to be rational. It is necessary to pamper children properly, but not too much. We must grasp the proportion. Unprincipled overindulgence is harmful to children, which we must fully understand. Don't wait until the child grows up to be unworthy. What are the consequences of parents overindulging their children? Children become selfish. Spoiled children are surrounded by doting parents. They simply don't know how to think of others, don't care about others, and don't consider problems from their perspective. Everything is self-centered and selfish. Some people may say that this society should be selfish, so that it will not suffer. It's really all wet. Selfishness may have temporary benefits, but selfish people will fail in their careers sooner or later, and so will love life. Therefore, children can learn badly or not smart enough, but they must not be too selfish, otherwise the consequences will be unimaginable in the future. The child's arrogant character is the direct result of being spoiled. Because parents make all concessions and meet all their demands, including many unreasonable demands, they have developed the idea that he is the boss in their bones. Parents should listen to him, dare to ride on their parents' heads to talk and do things, don't know how to make concessions, don't know how to tolerate, and can't stand grievances. They are arrogant. In the eyes of parents, children are lazy and undisciplined He is the boss, and no one can control him. And parents do everything on their behalf and don't want to do anything. They are getting lazier and lazier, and it is even more undisciplined to do something occasionally. In his eyes, he is discipline. He may not listen to others, but others must listen to him. It is bound to be difficult to gain a foothold in society in the future. Without elders, children don't understand etiquette programs. Because of parents' overindulgence, some bad behaviors and impolite behaviors of children have not been stopped. Children don't know anything about etiquette, they don't know anything about etiquette, even basic etiquette, because they don't know anything about etiquette. The child is weak and can't stand difficulties. They don't know what difficulties are under the care and doting of their parents, because they have parents to solve everything for them. Once they encounter difficulties, they will be at a loss, their character will become weak, they can't do great things at all, and they can't stand any small difficulties, just like flowers in a greenhouse, which are destroyed by a storm as soon as they open. Children's interpersonal barriers are selfish, self-centered, arbitrary and arrogant. They naturally can't get along with others, and communication with others has become an obstacle. Interpersonal relationship is an interactive and mutually beneficial communication. However, spoiled children always think that they are the emperor's boss, and refuse to wronged themselves and think of others. The main station acts from an unequal perspective. Naturally, no one wants to associate with him, and their interpersonal relationship will inevitably become a mess. One of the most direct consequences of a child's poor health may be the damage to the child's body, either being too picky about food and malnutrition or overeating and obesity, both of which are enemies of health; Because of laziness, I can't exercise, so my health is getting worse and worse. I have been sick since I was a child, which will have an impact on the rest of my life. Rong Weiling, a psychological doting teacher in Guangzhou Baiyun, said that there are at least three reasons to promote the popularity of doting in China: the background of the times, cultural background and intergenerational parenting. 1. First of all, in the decades before the reform of the era background, we have been living in very poor material living conditions, and each family generally has multiple brothers and sisters. Not only did we not get much material care, but we didn't get much spiritual care. In this way, many of our desires are unsatisfied. These unsatisfied desires are hidden in our hearts and become an important part of our "inner children". Now, as parents, we live in a period of relatively rich material conditions, so the unfulfilled wishes of our "inner children" are fully stimulated. And because the only child is the main thing now, the "inner children" of at least two parents are projected on an only child, which can easily lead to doting. Now parents often sigh: "I didn't get anything at that time, so I must not let my children repeat my life." The child in this sentence is not only a real child, but also an "inner child" buried in our hearts. We spoil our children with all our energy and in an almost irrational way, in fact, we are realizing our unfinished wishes through our children. Secondly, it is the cultural background. Rong said that our culture is that self-love is guilty and we should love others. However, human nature is self-love first, and we are taught not to love ourselves, which actually violates human nature. Under this teaching, we suppress self-love, but the need for self-love must be expressed, and children are undoubtedly the most suitable expression object. In this way, when we love our children, we are more likely to lose proper limit than those who respect the culture of self-love. Parenting from generation to generation can easily lead to doting. Many parents say that they grew up under the strict education of their parents, but they have never seen their grandchildren move a finger. Moreover, intergenerational education is still a common way of education. According to a survey in Shanghai, the Separate child care ratio of Shanghai families is 16.7%, while an online survey by ChinaPro shows that only 3 1% of parents "neither approve of intergenerational education nor raise their own children", and 57% of parents "disapprove of intergenerational education, but they can only let the elderly take care of their children because they are busy". There are very complicated psychological reasons. (1) Lack of sense of responsibility Rong believes that the lack of sense of responsibility is an important reason for intergenerational doting. "It is the father's fault that children don't teach." Therefore, even if parents want to spoil their children, they should know how to restrain themselves, otherwise they will spoil them, and we will be responsible for it. However, if we are grandparents or grandparents, we will be less worried when we spoil our grandchildren. "From this perspective, it is irresponsible for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren." Case: In order to help her son get rid of his careless habit, a mother asked him to write down his homework every day and check it carefully after he finished it at home. But the child is bored and grandma's eyes hurt. She often goes to school to copy questions without telling her daughter-in-law, and then quietly helps her grandson correct the wrong questions. The child was relieved, but the problem remained the same. He passed the mid-term exam, his mother was angry, his grandmother cried, and the house was in a mess. (2) Being afraid of dying in intergenerational rearing, grandparents are particularly afraid of the safety of their grandchildren and are particularly concerned about safety. There are two main reasons: First, the child is not his own after all, and once there is a safety problem in the care, he will feel sorry for the child. Second, the elderly are beginning to face the problem of death more and more. Many old people can't face their fear of death, so they project this fear on their grandchildren and are particularly worried about their own problems. Although parents also have this kind of worry, the worry of the elderly often seems irrational, mainly because of their fear of death. In fact, if parents have experienced too many life-and-death separations, it is easy to pay special attention to their children's safety. Case: 7-year-old Yu Er is particularly afraid of the dark. At this age, most children will sleep alone, but when she is alone, she will be afraid and cry. Rain is falling all's mother wants to cultivate her daughter's habit and insists that she sleep alone, but her mother-in-law can't stand her granddaughter's pleading. As long as Rain is falling all asks, she will sleep with her granddaughter. Rain is falling all's mother wrote that she felt that this kind of thing could not be adjusted by herself, and her husband didn't want to blame her, so this kind of thing continued. Obviously, both the mother and father of Rain is falling all are evading their responsibilities. They feel that they can't blame themselves as the mother of the younger generation, so I hope I can provide them with a panacea, so that they don't go against the old man and let their daughter sleep alone. But there is no such panacea. If they want a daughter, they have to confront the elderly, and of course they should pay attention to the methods of confrontation. As for the rain is falling all and grandma, in my opinion, it is not grandma who is meeting her granddaughter's needs, but her granddaughter who is meeting her needs. Children are very sensitive. They can keenly capture the psychological needs of adults and think they can solve them. Because children of this age are still narcissistic, they deeply believe that they should be responsible for the sadness of adults and will sacrifice themselves to solve the psychological needs of adults. So, what is Grandma Yu's psychological needs? Probably the fear of death. Her fear of death was projected on her granddaughter, who expressed it in the form of "fear of the dark". Therefore, the old man has reason to stick with his granddaughter. Therefore, sleeping with grandma meets not the needs of granddaughter's growth, but the needs of grandma to escape the fear of death. (3) In previous families, because there were many children, it was generally children who had to compete for the love of their elders. But now, this situation has reversed. The latest generation of children live in a "4+2+ 1" family, and the love of grandparents, grandparents and parents is devoted to one child. And in order to make children care more about their love, these six people will inevitably have a competitive pattern. Everyone is competing to show their love to their children, even afraid of being overwhelmed by others. Parents should have a sense of responsibility, so they will control their rivalry, but the elderly will easily get out of control. "This is a confrontation." Yuan Rongqin said, "Moreover, the purpose of competing for favor is to make children happy, not to make them grow up." Case: Six-year-old Jia Jia lives with her parents, grandparents. Whenever her mother teaches her wrong behavior, her grandparents will inevitably interrupt some words, such as "children are too young to be sensible", "I never treated you like this when you were a child" and "my granddaughter is good, and it will piss your mother off if she gives you delicious food in the future". Not only that, when grandparents fight, they always ask their granddaughter first. If so, tell them that they will take it out on their lovely granddaughter. (4) The projector of "inner child" will become a child when he is old. This is mainly because they find that there are fewer and fewer places where they have the final say. As a result, they often become as stubborn and willful as children, and always need their comfort and persuasion. But at the same time, they will feel guilty about self-love, unable to face the needs of their "inner children" calmly, so they will project them on their real children-grandchildren, so as to spoil them infinitely. Everything focuses on the happiness of children and never blames their faults. This is actually the principle they yearn for. Case: Retired mother-in-law Zhang and her husband love their only grandson very much. Six-year-old children are absolute bullies at home, and their grandchildren's punching, kicking and swearing have always been regarded as "enjoyment" by them. Grandson goes to preschool, and it is only a few meters from home to school. Old people love children, but they have to use "motorcycles" to pick them up. (5) Old people used to be harsh when they were psychologically compensatory education their children, because they were responsible for education. In the harsh education, the old man may have buried some guilt, so he is especially fond of having a grandson. In fact, deep down, they want to compensate their children. After all, grandchildren are the continuation of children's lives. Wang Dengfeng, a professor of psychology at the university, said that carrying on the family line-that is, spreading our own genes-is our most important instinctive need. At the beginning, it was the child who took on this responsibility, so the old man would spoil the child. However, when children have children, their task of carrying on the family line is completed. Now it is the responsibility of grandchildren, so the elderly will love their grandchildren especially, which often makes their children feel jealous. All these reasons add up, which makes it easier for intergenerational rearing to become doting. And because our culture pays special attention to filial piety, parents of their children will feel great pressure when they challenge the irrational doting of the elderly. In addition, parents are generally busy now and have to be taken care of by the elderly, which further aggravates the situation of doting.