About this book
The author finds that many parents only use some parenting theories to regulate their children's bad behaviors, but ignore the emotions behind these bad behaviors. This book points out that parents need to give their children emotional guidance in the process of educating their children, which has never been involved in many parenting concepts in the past 30 years. This book will teach parents how to cultivate a high emotional intelligence child who knows how to manage emotions.
Core content
The method of cultivating children's EQ includes three parts: 1. What is the relationship between children's emotional intelligence? 2. Some misunderstandings in cultivating children with high EQ; 3. Several steps to help children control their emotions.
First, the degree of parents' reaction to their children determines the level of their emotional intelligence.
Behavioral psychologists have observed that preschool children need their parents' attention every 20 seconds. Social science research has found that newborn babies can already interpret their emotional cues through their parents' expressions and postures. If parents can respond sensitively to the baby's tips, the baby will learn to adjust his mood earlier. The interaction between parents and newborn babies can affect the development of children's nervous system, which is related to children's emotional health throughout their lives.
Vagus nerve is a group of nerves originating from the brain. It regulates the human parasympathetic nerves, thus regulating the physical conditions that are not controlled by human consciousness, such as breathing, heart rate, digestive system, etc., and stepping on the brakes to prevent the body from running out of control too fast. The greater the tension of vagus nerve, the stronger its ability to regulate emotions. When children are still in infancy, the emotional experience they experience plays an important role in the formation of vagus nerve tension.
Therefore, the degree of parents' response to children directly determines the level of children's emotional intelligence. This also puts high demands on parents, who should keep a keen perception of their children's emotions and pay attention to their emotional fluctuations. This is also the basis for cultivating children with high emotional intelligence.
Second, parents should actively pay attention to their children's negative emotions.
situation
The child doesn't want to go to kindergarten. In the eyes of mother Mary, her son's idea is absurd. It's no big deal for children to run away from home. There's nothing to be sad about. Her method is to coax the child with biscuits, divert his attention and tell him about kindergarten life.
Mary is actually a neglected parent. The typical practice of neglected parents is to divert their children's attention when they are disobedient, close emotional channels, think that children's emotions are irrational, think that time can solve everything, turn a blind eye to children's negative emotions, ignore them or even dismiss them.
This is an incorrect feeding method. This behavior of parents will make children feel that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate and not recognized. After a long time, he will distrust his heart and lead to their inferiority.
"Depressed" parents are very critical of their children's negative emotions, regardless of their children's bad behavior. They often reprimand and scold their children, thinking that negative emotions are a sign of their bad personality, and even think that their disobedience and crying are smearing their faces. Not recognizing children's emotions will also lead children to distrust their own judgments and doubt their emotions.
Tracing back to the source, these parents did not get outside help when they learned to regulate their emotions in childhood. They have no idea how to express their emotions in front of their children. The correct way is that parents should regard their children's negative emotions as opportunities to exchange feelings and enhance intimate relationships. This is called empathy.
situation
A mother recalled how surprised she was when her four-year-old daughter attacked her after being scolded and said, "I don't like your tone." She is proud of her daughter's courage.
Parents with high emotional intelligence will look at the problem from the same angle as their children, communicate in a way that children can accept, and communicate on an equal footing, so that children can know that their parents are trustworthy allies and will always stand on the same front with him. Because parents understand emotions, attach importance to the power and value of emotions, believe that they can correctly express emotions, and set an example for their children through their own behavior. The emotional expression of parents is the most effective interpretation of how children express their emotions.
Third, label children's emotions.
It's a good idea to label children when they express their emotions. For a child who lacks life experience, they are not born to distinguish what is jealousy, what is injustice, what is loss and what is loneliness. Emotional expression needs to be taught by adults, just like teaching them to read. Labeling emotions is to tell children clearly what the emotions you are experiencing are called and why they exist.
Studies have shown that labeling emotions can help children calm down from unhappiness more quickly. Humans need to call the left brain when expressing emotions, and the left brain controls language and logical thinking, so when logical thinking works, children will be more focused and more likely to restore calm.
situation
A 4-year-old boy, seeing that his brother received a birthday present but he didn't, is likely to protest loudly "it's unfair".
At this time, if the father can give his observed reaction to the child, such as "You also want to receive a gift like your brother, which may make you a little jealous", the child will feel that his father understands his feelings, and then feel that his father is right. Today is his brother's birthday, but he is jealous of his brother, so he should be generous. In this way, children will be more able to listen to their father's logical reasoning about fairness and know what words to use to express this strong jealousy.
Simply sharing what you have observed is much better than questioning your children.
Fourth, delimit behavior.
situation
Seeing that the child is sad, Diana will go up and hug the child and tell him that it is normal to want to stay at home. She neither scolds nor coaxes her children. She would suggest playing games with her children for 10 minutes, and then the children promised her to go to the nursery. As a result, the same thing is very likely to happen again the next day.
In fact, Diana is a typical "laissez-faire" parent. They tolerate all children's emotions and empathize with them, but they can't provide necessary guidance or help children draw a clear line. After a long time, children actually haven't learned how to adjust their emotions, and they are likely to fall into a bottomless pit of emotions and find it difficult to extricate themselves. Another serious consequence of this is that it will increase children's demands for privileges and make the parent-child relationship contradictory.
situation
Child: I don't want to go to kindergarten!
Lucy: Don't you want to go? Why?
Child: Because I want to stay at home with you.
Lucy: Well, I know how you feel. Several times, I also want to stay at home and play with you instead of rushing out. But you know what? I promised my colleagues in the office to arrive at 9 o'clock, and I don't want to break my word.
Child: It's not fair. I just don't want to go!
Lucy (stroking the child's head): I'm sorry, dear, but we can't stay at home. I guess you must be disappointed, aren't you?
Child: Yes.
Lucy: Still a little sad?
Child: Hmm.
Lucy: I feel a little sad, too At this time, Lucy stroked the child's head and made the child cry for a while. I know what we should do. Think about tomorrow, we don't have to go to work or kindergarten, we can stay together all day. What do you want to do tomorrow?
Child: Eat ice cream and watch cartoons.
Lucy: Yes, that would be great. Anything else?
Child: Can we go to the park to see giraffes?
Lucy: I think so.
Child: Can Kyle come with us?
Lucy: Maybe. We have to ask his mother. But now, let's go, shall we?
Child: OK.
Lucy's answer is the most successful parent-child relationship model in the study. She knows how to draw boundaries for children's behavior. For young children, solving problems often begins with distinguishing between correct behavior and bad behavior. If a child's behavior hurts himself or others, parents should immediately stop this behavior and let the child choose more appropriate behavior to express his emotions.
It should be noted that children should be made to understand that the problem is not emotion but behavior. If parents tell their children that they have the right to have all kinds of emotions, but there are all kinds of expressions, so that their self-esteem will be intact.
Golden sentence:
1. Parents should draw a clear line for their children's behavior, but be tolerant of emotions and wishes.
2. If the father can share his feelings with his children, it will release their greater potential.
3. It is a behavior that many parents learned in childhood to close the vent door of negative emotions.
When children and parents establish an emotional connection, parents will teach children how to adjust their emotions and solve problems through this emotional connection, and good results will appear.
Let's help our children in the same boat.
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