Teacher Shi said that parents should not cross the line to be responsible for their children. If we are always responsible for our children like this, they will never really be responsible for themselves. Teacher Shi gave several examples. Children are the real cases of mother-killing, eating old people's suicides, making decisions for children, depriving children of their freedom and taking their lives.
Parents tend to go to two extremes, either too strict or too gentle. Children who let go tend to be presumptuous, while children whose freedom is restricted tend to become rigid and it is difficult to grasp the balance between autocracy and indulgence.
Teacher Shi shared with us from three aspects:
1, Understanding of Freedom and Boundary
(1) human freedom
Freedom has two characteristics. The first is autonomy. Our bodies, feelings, emotions, psychology and thinking are all part of me, but they are not me. I am a bigger whole. Autonomy also includes being unconstrained, neither controlled by external force nor by internal control. When our emotions are out of control, we are controlled by our inner emotions. The other is the scope, which means that within the boundary, within the boundary, the boundary is to know and follow the natural laws and objective laws. Therefore, to be "one's freedom" means to know and follow the law spontaneously and independently, so as to control oneself and the environment.
(2) Children's freedom
For children, autonomy is a process. We all say that parents should respect their children. Children are independent individuals, not accessories of parents. However, children are not completely independent, because they need to rely on their parents to provide necessary living conditions and an environment to promote their growth and development before adulthood. Therefore, children's autonomy is a process of self-creation, ability development and responsibility for themselves.
? What parents have to do is to temporarily assume the part that children can't take responsibility, and at the same time constantly develop and expand the part that children can take responsibility. Family education is a process in which parents keep retreating and return their responsibilities to their children, so that children can have greater freedom and take on more responsibilities. Discretion is a process of letting children create themselves, become independent and be responsible for themselves on the basis of understanding and following the laws of physical and mental development.
(3) Children need boundaries
The boundary from the outside to the inside is bound, which will hinder the establishment of children's independent and complete personality and limit the development of potential and ability. Therefore, in family education, children don't need any additional restrictions except the necessary boundaries to ensure their safety.
The boundary from the inside out is freedom, as the philosopher Kant said: "True freedom is not arbitrary, but self-control, and self-discipline is freedom." It is spontaneously produced when children explore and know themselves, others and the outside world, and spontaneously explores and knows and internalizes it into laws.
? Children naturally need boundaries, and boundaries are their tools to build a sense of security and understand the world. Boundaries can make children clear the boundaries between people, understand the laws of nature and society, and help children adapt to the living environment. Children's body, feelings, emotions, psychology and thinking all need to be discovered and grown up, and external others and the world also need him to explore and understand. Children are really interacting with themselves, others and the world, exploring boundaries. When he knows where these boundaries are, he will be free from them. Clear boundaries can give people a sense of security and let people know their position and responsibility in the social structure, otherwise children will be at a loss. Even if children keep trying to find themselves and find their own value, there is no direction. This inner boundary is a child's understanding of the fundamental laws of things, which needs him to create in a knowledgeable environment through his own efforts. If a child plays a passive role in the process of growing up, he can't establish such internal boundaries. Therefore, what a child needs is not that his parents set various boundaries for him, but to provide an environment to support the creation and establishment of internal and external boundaries.
2. Create a supportive family environment for children.
? The boundaries that children face are self, parents and external environment. The interaction between children and themselves is a process of self-discovery, self-creation and self-integration. The interaction between children and parents is the boundary of establishing interpersonal relationships. The interaction between children and the external environment is an exploration of establishing the internal laws of things.
(1) Let children create their own.
? Children are their own masters, let them create themselves. This requires us to create a family atmosphere, so that children can freely present themselves without worrying about being judged, satirized, teased, accused, warned or lectured, so that children can feel that all emotions, feelings, ideas and needs of a person are fully understood and accepted, so that children can feel that one person has advantages and disadvantages, and that one person also has another person. We need to make him feel that all this is natural and normal, so that he can be himself calmly without pretending or hiding his true self. Only on this premise can he establish his own inner boundary.
(2) Let children define themselves.
Do we often judge children? For example, if a child is unwilling to talk to strangers, parents may say that he is shy or timid. Sometimes parents will directly evaluate their children, saying that you are too stupid or too lazy. These are the so-called labeling behaviors. A child doesn't need us to define who he is, only he is qualified to define who he is. Once you are defined by others, you are no longer free. What parents need to do is to help their children integrate themselves, because the growth of children at all levels of body, feeling, emotion, psychology and thinking is not synchronous, but in stages. At different stages of development, we need to help children know themselves, understand themselves and integrate themselves, so that children can continuously develop their self-control ability and become an internally complete, harmonious and unified person. For example, regarding the control of emotions, parents can help their children identify their emotions. They can use picture books. There is a picture book called "Emotional Little Monster" to help children understand basic emotions such as calm, anger, happiness and sadness. There is also a picture book to guide children how to feel their emotions and how to get along with them. This picture book is called When Emotion Knocks on the Door. Excerpt: If you listen to your body, you will know that you feel really good. As long as you pay a little attention and care, they may even tell you why they stay there. Some don't feel very good, others feel much more interesting. Now you're ready. Whenever a feeling comes to play with you, welcome it in and let it stop as long as you want, even for a minute or two. Treat your feelings like a friend you chat with! This method of living with emotions is also suitable for parents, such as our different ideas or thoughts.
(3) Let children explore and think freely.
First of all, we should recognize the advantages of children. We may often hinder children from thinking freely in life. The root cause may be that we think children are too young to think, or their thinking ability is not enough. Based on this understanding, we often show our eagerness to teach our children. Compared with us, children really lack the same rational thinking as adults, because from the perspective of individual development, all parts of the human brain have not developed in a balanced way. Adults' attention is like a spotlight, which can focus on their own plans or filtered things, that is, adults are selective in their observation and experience of the outside world. But children's attention, like lanterns, is divergent and keeps an open mind to any possibility of the outside world. It is precisely because of this open state that children can find what we have not found and make changes, surpass us and surpass the present. When we see that children are immature, we should also see the difference between children and adults, not that children are immature, but that their way of thinking is completely different, so we should not ask children to be like us.
In addition, we need to let children learn from practical experience, because it is meaningless for children to copy other people's thinking results. Piaget, a famous Swiss psychologist and educator, said that children are active learners, and real learning comes from children themselves, not from teachers. Piaget's active process has two meanings: one is that children directly act on his environment; Second, children are psychologically active, that is, children have internal learning motivation. He believes that children should be allowed to learn spontaneously and actively, and it is best for them to find and find the answers themselves. If you give everything to children, it will hinder their invention and discovery. Children's spontaneous learning is very important not only in the development of intelligence, but also in the development of children's moral behavior and the spontaneous learning of interaction with others.
Austrian psychologist Adler once said: "The best way to educate children is to let them learn through experience." In this way, children's behavior will only be influenced by the logic of the facts themselves, and will not be forced by others. Too much guidance and command from parents will only limit the development of children and let them live in the experience and thinking results of their parents. For children, the most important thing for parents is to listen, understand and feel. Children don't lack thinking ability as we think, they just think differently from adults. Children are future-oriented. They shouldn't live in our thinking frame. Children need to fully develop their unique independent thinking ability through their own direct experience.
As parents, we should give our children more choices. We always want their children to be independent, but we often like to make decisions for them in life, from what to eat and wear to what to learn, what to do and who to marry. We are always unwilling to take risks, fearing that children will make some wrong choices themselves. In fact, the most important meaning of choice lies in the choice itself, not in the final choice. Children need a certain degree of adventure and give full play to their initiative in order to grow into a brave, independent and confident person. If there are too many restrictions and everything is decided by parents, the child will not grow into a real person. Everything needs constant practice and learning from mistakes, especially the ability to make decisions, because this is a more advanced ability. In life, after all, we will face big and small choices, which requires us to weigh, choose and choose in many aspects. This kind of decision-making ability is accumulated and developed by children since childhood. We should respect children's independent choices, and don't try to make children obey our wishes or make choices instead of children. If a child chooses, he will do it according to his own wishes, and what parents have to do is to consider whether it is practical when offering their children a choice. For example, a child over 2 years old may not be able to decide how many clothes to wear when he goes out today, but he can choose his favorite clothes from several options provided by his parents.
Don't do what he can for children. We must be aware of overprotection and cultivate opportunities for independence sensitively. Let's take a step back and give children space and encouragement, but don't interfere. As parents, we should slow down. On the one hand, we should observe children more, be vigilant, and leave what children are capable of doing to children, and don't rush to teach and save. On the other hand, when children seek help and need guidance, we are always ready to lend a helping hand and provide effective and necessary support for their development.
(4) Establish an intimate and independent relationship with children.
This requires parents and children to build together. The basic principle at this level is that I respect your needs and I respect mine. The ultimate goal is to let children stick to themselves and respect others in interpersonal relationships. Here, I recommend a book named "Effectiveness Training for Pet Parents" by Dr. Thomas Gordon, which provides a model. Problems belonging to children and parents should be divided according to a principle. This principle is that whoever has internal needs will not be satisfied, and whoever has problems will be divided into problems belonging to children and problems belonging to parents. For example, whoever has a problem will bear the responsibility for solving it. This situation is the child's problem, or the child forgets to do his homework, the child is angry with the teacher, and the child's bedroom is always in a mess. These are all children's problems. When parents' needs conflict with children's behaviors, such as when we are in a hurry, children are dawdling, or children forget to call home to tell us when they don't come home for dinner on time. This is a problem for parents. For the problems that belong to children and parents, we should adopt different solutions. Listen actively to questions that belong to children. For the problems that belong to parents, we can use parents to make changes or change the environment. Questions that belong to children should be left to children. At this time, it is the dialogue initiated by the child to the parents. Parents take the initiative to listen, that is, they interpret the information sent by their children to us, including their feelings, thoughts and needs, and then we give feedback to help children sort out their own problems and make their best solutions more deeply. The core role of parents is to accept children's feelings, help children release their emotions, help children sort out and define problems, and start the process of children solving problems spontaneously. His goal is to help children become responsible and self-directed problem solvers. As parents, we need to clearly realize that children's problems, setbacks or failures belong to themselves, not their parents. As parents, all we can do is accompany, comfort and guide them. It is always the children themselves who make the final decision and take responsibility. Only when parents are no longer responsible for their children can they cultivate their sense of responsibility and become their real masters. On the other hand, parents are responsible for their own problems. When a child's behavior infringes on parents' rights, or prevents parents' needs from being met, parents have problems. The best way is for parents and children to seek a mutually satisfactory solution, with the goal of achieving a win-win situation for both parents and children.
For an environment that can provide children with a family that supports internal boundaries, parents need to let go of control. What control methods do we usually have? Punishment and reward are both means of control. Why do you want to liberalize? Because control shifts the focus of children's attention to external rewards, it keeps children away from the essence of things that should be concerned, and allows children to judge their own value from the perspective of others. As parents, we want our children to do something out of their judgment on the correctness and value of the thing itself, not out of fear of punishment or temptation of reward. Dr Thomas Gordon said: "There is a little-known psychological common sense. At the same time, this is also a paradox. When you give up the right to control your children, you gain greater influence over them, and vice versa. When you try to control your children more, your influence on them will also weaken. " The right to education is actually a natural right given by children to their parents. When children give us this right to education, it is easy for us to make children obey and listen to our teachings, without too much pressure and struggle, and without extra rewards.
3. How do parents get freedom in family education?
(1) independence
On the one hand, the independence of parents. The more parents can work independently and effectively to meet their own needs, the more they can accept themselves and their children. As parents, we should be independent, not child-centered. If parents have no other sources of value and self-esteem, it is easy to pass on the realization of self-worth to their children and regard their children's success as their own. In this case, parents are very dependent on their children. This is a kind of spiritual dependence, and at the same time, children will be strongly required to act in a certain way they want, so as to seek the satisfaction of their own needs in their behavior.
On the other hand, parents should be independent. Parents' autonomy means being able to control themselves. On the one hand, we need to get rid of the shackles of family background. Being born in a family has a profound influence on parents themselves. There is a saying: "Happy people use childhood to cure life, while unfortunate people use life to cure childhood." Childhood experience will affect our parenting style, which may make us unconsciously impose some parenting styles that we hated when we were children. This is why some mothers will say that I once lived like my mother. Childhood has a profound influence on a person, but it doesn't mean that people who are unhappy in childhood can't be good parents. Jung said, "Your subconscious is controlling your life, but you call it fate. What matters is not the facts, but our view of the facts. " Therefore, what really affects our parenting style is not our childhood experiences, but how we understand them. As long as parents can deeply sort out their own life stories, dare to face and solve those unsolved problems in childhood, and through re-examination and interpretation, parents can reshape their lives and get rid of the shackles of childhood. In that case, we can gain greater freedom in all aspects of life, not just in family education.
And self-control, that is to say, in addition to helping children integrate themselves and their different aspects, they should also integrate themselves. Only by returning to the origin of self, calmly accepting and observing all parts of self can we understand ourselves more comprehensively, and finally make the best decision through internal coordination, instead of being trapped in certain emotions, feelings or thoughts.
(2) Dig deep inside
? First of all, we should see the feelings, thoughts and needs behind children's behavior, not just pay attention to children's behavior. We should also know ourselves deeply and often ask ourselves whether what I do to children may be related to my needs, my fears and my growing experience, but not to children's needs. On the other hand, we should also dig deep into family education and grasp the principles behind the methods. If we only pay attention to methods and ignore principles, then we will eventually get into trouble. As a parent, if you just imitate some experience, learn some skills, see only superficial behavior or pursue only practical solutions, it will definitely cure the symptoms rather than the root cause. The problems of this behavior may be ever-changing, but there is only one principle behind a hundred problems. Only by truly mastering the principles behind it can we fundamentally improve our educational thinking and discover our own educational wisdom. Therefore, the more specific the method, the more limited the effect. The more we want to get concrete methods, the less we can get freedom. If we master the principle, we can see a different world when our educational thoughts are reshaped.
If parents can think fundamentally, they will gain more flexible wisdom, because the methods are limited and the wisdom is infinite. Once you understand the principle, yourself, children and education fundamentally, you can get rid of specific methods and skills. In the face of specific problems, we can give full play to our advantages and wisdom and find our own methods, so as to move towards real freedom of family education.
This is also the initial intention of the new teacher to set up a family education wisdom growth course at the end of last year. We hope to influence and help more families and create a brand-new educational environment for more children through such courses. At present, the new teachers' family education wisdom growth course has set up four special topics.
First, being a parent. This topic is mainly to dig deep into parents themselves, get rid of the shackles of family background and realize self-growth.
Second, enter the world of children. The main purpose of this topic is to deeply understand children, understand the growth law of children through the knowledge of pedagogy, psychology and brain science, and form an overall understanding of children's development, at which stage children develop and at which stage they will go, so that parents can better understand their current behavior.
Third, two-way parenting, find out how to effectively support children in family education.
Fourth, future-oriented education is to reflect on current education and think about what kind of learning can win in the future, so as to grasp the core literacy and help children face future challenges.
Finally, I want to give you a prayer from niebuhr:
Move towards freedom
Please grant me peace,
Accept what I can't change;
Please give me courage,
Change what I can;
Please give me wisdom,
Let me tell the difference.
When we truly harvest this peace, courage and wisdom, we will truly move towards freedom!
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