A boy of about six or seven years old was skating on a scooter. He might meet a stone boy or something, and suddenly he fell to the ground with his car. Before the little boy could stand up, he was raised by his father's strong hand and shouted, "Why don't you listen to me! Didn't I tell you not to ride so fast? Why don't you listen! "

Under his father's stern questioning, the little boy seemed to have done something terrible and bowed his head and said nothing.

It pains me to see the little boy fall so hard on the side. I didn't expect the little boy's father not only didn't comfort him, but also scolded the child, which made me feel even more distressed.

In fact, what children need most now is the care of their fathers. However, the phrase "Why didn't you listen to me" turned all worries into blame and children's own problems.

"Why don't you listen to me?" And "why don't you do as I say?" These words must be familiar in our family, especially when children do something wrong. Listen carefully to this sentence, in fact, it has a subtext, that is, "if you do what I say, you won't do it, but you will."

This "like this" is a good result in line with parents' preconceptions. For example, the little boy's father will think that as long as he rides slowly and carefully, he won't fall and get hurt and have an accident, and he will be fine.

In family education, parents habitually think that as long as children's behavior input is well controlled, they can get certain good results, which is the "reductionism" in the family.

There are too many scenes of reductionism at home. For example, parents want their children to learn to share. If children do what their parents say, parents will think that children are willing to share and output the preset results in their parents' minds. But if children don't want to, they will jump out of their parents' preset behavior patterns. Parents often worry that children don't know how to share, blame them, and even force them to share, thus completing the output of "sharing".

The same is true in learning. Parents want their children to study hard and get full marks in the exam, as long as they pay attention to their learning and reading behavior.

When I was a child, my father was most gratified to watch me study at my desk, whether I was thinking about it or not. He will be happy as long as he sees the way we study, which is largely because it conforms to his preset behavior input in order to get good grades and his psychological expectation.

Therefore, behind the family reductionism, in fact, parents have a strong sense of self, but they may not follow their children's true wishes. Therefore, it is easy to appear contradictions and conflicts, because children always have to jump out of the framework of parents' reductionism to express the characteristics and specificity of their own lives.

Now many parents have realized that they should not interfere with their children too much, and they also know that they should give their children room to grow freely, but it is often difficult to do so, especially in the face of educational conflicts, they often return to the guidance of family reductionism.

There are two main reasons: one is rooted in the narcissism of parents, and the other is the influence of family background.

1 Parents' narcissism

In family education, parents' narcissism is most often manifested in two points:

First, "I am right".

Many parents think they are right and everything they say is right. As the saying goes, "I eat more salt than you eat." Children must do what their parents say, which is a sign of their narcissism.

Second, "I am better than you".

In parent-child relationship, many parents always feel that they are above each other. They think that I am the old man in this family. He and his children are just like superiors and subordinates, while he is in a dominant and repressive position, instead of respecting the children's personality and getting along with them on an equal footing.

In the parent-child relationship, when parents pretend to be narcissistic, it is not difficult to understand why a large number of family education will use reductionism on their children.

But Dr. William Stix Rudd, a psychologist who has long been committed to the study of adolescent growth courses, pointed out: "Parents don't always know what is best for their children."

He rudely criticized his parents' confidence. How can parents ensure that their decisions about their children are correct? Parents ask themselves: Have they ever lived a particularly good life and become an example for their children to learn?

In short, parents should be modest, because you may not know what is right.

I once talked to my husband about his son's education. He jokingly said, "If the child doesn't obey, hit him." Asked about the reason, Mr. Wang explained that he was often beaten by his parents when he was a child, and his parents beat him when he was naughty.

Luo Jiu, a famous psychological counselor in China, once pointed out, "Many people never realize that their fate in life stems from the influence of their family background."

Psychologically speaking, our thoughts and behaviors are unconsciously copied by the family model. Especially when we educate our children, even if we realize that we can't treat our children as rudely as our parents, we will unconsciously repeat the behavior of our parents in those years. For example, we can't help beating and blaming our children, just as our parents blame you.

In fact, in family education, many parents are just repeating the model they experienced as children and restoring this model to their own family education.

Why is this happening?

Kishida fumio Ichiro, the author of Regardless of Teaching Courage, believes that this is because a large number of adults only make a superficial summary and reflection when they reflect on their own lives and their parents' education.

Many adults think that his parents told him to study hard, but he didn't. As a result, his life was not so successful or even a failure. So when he has children, he will want them to study hard, and he will want them to listen to him and do as he says. Only in this way can children grow up and have a bright future.

But every life is not a simple mechanical body, nor is it a healthy and good individual that can be assembled step by step.

When reductionism appears in the family as the guiding ideology of education, the biggest impact on children is that children can't be their true selves. All or most things have been arranged by parents, and children have little or no freedom to choose.

In the long run, it will hinder the normal voice of the child's inner world, make the child passive and affect the healthy development of the child's body and mind.

Because under the educational concept of reductionism, it only needs a obedient child who can directly execute instructions. This means that the last thing it wants is for children to make their own voices, but this will inevitably suppress the expression of children's self-awareness.

When the true thoughts and feelings of a person's inner world are suppressed and can't be released freely, the child's heart will be suppressed and begin to produce pressure.

Last weekend, I took my son to the hospital for a rhinoscope. I snore a little while sleeping and sometimes I have a nosebleed. We were worried about his nose and took him to the hospital. While waiting for the nasal endoscope, a mother suddenly came out of the treatment room angrily, cursing while walking. It turned out that they also came to have a rhinoscope, but the child was crying all the time after being drugged, and was afraid of moving, so he couldn't do the examination, so he had to come out first.

Mother was very angry and kept scolding: "I have never seen such a timid person as you. What is there to be afraid of?" Look at other children three years younger than you, and you will be afraid. " After that, he pushed his son away, told him to go away, threatened to leave him, and finally took out his mobile phone to complain to his father: "Your son didn't even dare to take a nose mirror, only knew how to cry."

The child is wearing a school uniform and a mask. He dared not say a word under his mother's reproach. He just wiped his tears and tried to hold his mother's hand, but every time he was rudely thrown away by her, it was really distressing.

Because the child didn't dare to do a nose mirror, the mother broke out and couldn't control herself. She shouted at the children in public. This is also a very typical controlling parent. A controlling mother is more likely to use reductionism to control her children, thinking that they just need to do it. When children can't do what their parents ask and conflict with their parents' expectations, parents will be very angry, but at this time they completely ignore their inner feelings.

Children want to be comforted by their mothers, and their needs for security and love are ignored. You can imagine the injury to the child at that time.

Psychologically speaking, when children can't fully express themselves and can only rely on their parents' will, they will become passive in addition to bearing great psychological pressure. He will hide his will and self, and will no longer present himself to his parents. He usually lacks self-confidence when he grows up, and he will appear timid, evasive and unconfident when dealing with others.

Careful parents will find that "reductionism" is likely to be everywhere around us, perhaps in our own family education, and it is also likely to happen around us. How can we get rid of "reductionism" and let children grow up healthily? There are three aspects: first, parents should change their roles; Second, children should have choices; Third, give your child unconditional love.

1 Parental role transformation

Parents should change from the leading role in family education to the guiding role.

In family education, we often misplace, and often put the role of parents in the dominant position, ignoring that children are the leaders of education, that is to say, children should be the main body to complete the obligations and rights of education. This needs to start from the children themselves, from the internal needs of children, rather than the self-demand and self-will of parents.

Parents should first change their roles, and the role change comes from the change of our cognition. Therefore, parents should examine and reflect on their educational ideas and find out whether there are such problems in their education. This is the self-awareness of parents.

Because family reductionism has its deeper reasons, from parents' narcissism. Narcissism is actually a trait that everyone will bring. We can't take narcissism as a bad thing, which is psychologically inappropriate.

But we need to realize this. We need to know that we have such a trait and how it affects our family education. When we realize it, it is actually a change, which makes it clear and concrete.

Therefore, in the first step, parents should change their roles, make cognitive changes and stay awake.

Give your child a choice.

Give children full freedom of choice. When a child has a choice, his inner needs and inner voice have a chance to be released. Therefore, when facing the child, let him choose and listen to his opinions.

However, we should pay attention to two points. First, giving children the freedom of choice does not mean that parents give up. This freedom of choice is based on full communication between parents and children, and parents give guidance to their children; Second, freedom is not absolute freedom. We need to make rules with our children and give them full freedom of choice within the scope of the rules we make together.

For example, children really want to buy toys, and they want to buy them when they see them. How can we help children manage their own needs and desires?

You can make a wish list with your child and write down all his favorite toys in the form of words or pictures, but write them down first and then write down the price. But the children prioritize the toys on the wish list, and then start to save money every day, buy them when they have enough, or agree to give them to him as gifts on a certain festival.

This will be much better than many parents refusing their children's requests for toys. You can't let your child be hurt by rejection, but also help your child learn how to choose.

When a child can make his own choices, it often means that he can make his own decisions, which means that he can make his own decisions. When a child has accumulated a lot of experiences and experiences in life, it is possible for him to really have a life in which he has the final say.

And let children have their own lives and be responsible for their own lives. Isn't it the common wish of all our parents?

Give unconditional love to children.

Unconditional love is the core and basic principle to protect children's healthy growth and solve all problems in family education.

In the communication with children, what I say most is "I love you". Even when the child was angry and shouted "I don't love mom", he wanted to say this to me several times, but I would still respond to him: "It doesn't matter, but mom loves you."

Most parents know that they love their children deeply. Our love for children is from the heart. I don't need how good your academic performance is to love you. I don't need you to be smart and sensible to love you. I love you only because you are my child, and there are no other conditions.

Our love for our children is unconditional. So don't threaten children with love. No matter how angry you are, don't say "Mom doesn't love you" or "Dad doesn't love you".

For a child, what can enrich his life and soul most must be the love from his parents. In fact, it is also true for each of us.

Raising children is never something that can be delivered in one step, two steps or three steps. Because the child is never a simple collection, he is an individual with his own unique life characteristics, in the process of constant change and development.

He needs our parents to continue to update at the same speed or even faster than him to complete their growth delivery, so as to better educate and guide their children.

Raising children is never easy. May we all grow up to be better ourselves and meet children.