Minhui is facing such a problem. She always tells children all kinds of reasons, but instead of solving the problem, with the increase of reasoning time, children become more and more disgusted with listening to these reasons and become more and more rebellious. Minhui had to further lengthen the reasoning time, and the children became more disgusted, so they fell into a vicious circle and the parent-child relationship became very tense.
Parental love? Be reasonable? Internal psychological reasons of educational model
Gorky once said:? Love children, hens can. But educating children well is an art?
Nowadays, with the development of the times, people have realized that violence education is not a correct choice. However, is the "reasonable" education method necessarily correct? In order to solve a problem, we must first trace back to the source and discuss why parents always like to be reasonable. And why don't children listen to advice?
1, pass the buck
What is the first meaningful thing? Think you're right Yes, so when we reason, we actually judge children from the moral high ground, thinking that children are wrong and unreasonable, so we need to reason with them.
In fact, many times, in the face of children's rebellion, we feel helpless, so we feel anxious. So, we have to prove it through reasonable methods? Am I right? To relieve anxiety.
2. Establish authority and seek a sense of security.
For parents, through a reasonable way, they can establish their authority in the parent-child relationship and gain a sense of security. Which side do parents take when reasoning? Instructor? Position, there will be a feeling that you have done your duty, and what can you get from this feeling? Security guard? . So since you have done your duty and the child won't listen, then this is the child's problem.
At this time, parents and children are here? Control? Obey? In the form of. In this form, it is easier for parents to establish dignity and gain it? Responsible? This feeling. However, the correct and effective parent-child way should not be under such high pressure, but should be mutual cooperation and pay more attention to feelings.
3. narcissism
There is another situation: parents like to reason because of narcissistic encouragement. Do these parents subconsciously think? Children belong to themselves? Instead of treating it as an independent individual. Their sense of parent-child boundary is too vague, and they will satisfy their control desire through reasonable methods.
Why don't children like to listen to their parents' sermons?
1, cognitive limitations lead to incomprehension.
For younger children, especially children before the age of three, it is impossible to understand these truths. Their way of thinking is mainly brain thinking, paying attention to sensibility and paying more attention to their own perceptual needs, rather than rational truth.
On the premise that they can't understand these truths, if parents still choose to pour out these truths that they don't understand at all and think are meaningless because they don't understand them, it will only arouse their disgust. Imagine, if a person always whispers in your ear that you don't understand at all, and you don't want to stop anyway, will you feel disgusted?
2. Reverse psychological reinforcement
When the child is older and can understand what you say, he will face another problem. Here we should introduce a psychological concept: irony rebound, that is, the white bear effect.
The white bear effect is a classic experiment in psychology: the experimenter asked the experimenter not to imagine a white bear for the next five minutes. However, the experimenter who received the negative sequence could not help but see the image of a white bear in his mind. If we explain it in a more popular way, this is actually what we often say? The more you refuse to do it, the more you want to do it. This is actually a kind of rebellious psychological reinforcement, which leads to the failure to achieve good educational results by reasoning alone.
3. Excessive preaching leads to overrun effect.
As the number of your reasoning increases, there will be another reaction, that is, overrun. Simply put, the over-limit effect is that more people are accused, stimulated and psychologically impatient. This is why the more reasonable you are, the more disgusted your children will be. In this way, under the action of disgust, not only can education not achieve good results, but it may even worsen the parent-child relationship step by step.
How to use the side door effect to educate children?
Since reasoning can't achieve good results in education, what way should we choose to educate our children? Here is a concept: side door effect.
What is the side door effect? In fact, it is to wrap the educational intention in a more indirect educational model. What are the methods?
I. Game Education Law
Game is a more interesting and euphemistic mode, which can increase children's interest and make them actively cooperate. For example, if you teach your child to brush his teeth, the child may not like it. But if you use games to compare a toothbrush to a rabbit and a tooth to a room, and then use gentle language and exaggerated performances to make him realize that brushing teeth is interesting, he will realize the fun and take the initiative to brush his teeth.
Second, the vivid language education method
The language here also includes body language. Lively body language is a good way to enhance interest. Body language can make communication interesting and make children feel happy. In a happy state of mind, he will accept what you say more easily.
Tip: Children can read picture books to help them understand where they are wrong, instead of being outspoken. Is it more useful to let children understand the philosophy of life in vivid story explanation than preaching?
Third, the natural consequence law.
It is the best way to let children feel the natural consequences of mistakes and take responsibility for them. For example, if a child knocks over a paint container, he should be allowed to clean the floor by himself. In this way, your behavior logic will be smoother, and children can't refute it.