Nowadays, the problems of teenagers are becoming more and more serious. Many children's parents and teachers are not sure, and a criticism leads to tragedy. Supposedly, the materials are rich, and parents and teachers are more democratic than before. Should children be more obedient than before?
However, it is the material richness and the tolerance of the older generation to children that make children's problems emerge one after another. The influx of western educational ideas requires us to cultivate children with distinctive personalities, blindly emphasizing acceptance, and thinking that children are like this, we must accept children like this.
However, it is precisely because children are pure bodies that we need our education and guidance to let them distinguish right from wrong, black and white. If we blindly emphasize the acceptance of children and let them develop according to their own temperament, it is really impossible to imagine what kind of person he will eventually grow into.
How to cultivate a child we want in our mind, so that he is both sunny and kind? Wang Puhua, a senior education expert, shared her educational experience in detail from the book Response: Cultivating Children's Positive Behavior Habits, deeply analyzed the educational ideas of many confused parents, and pointed out clear solutions.
Wang Puhua, a national second-class psychological counselor, is an expert in the expert database of basic education teacher training in Shandong Province, and an associate professor in Jinan Preschool Teachers College. Graduated from the Education Department of East China Normal University with a master's degree in education. He has published more than ten professional books and teaching materials, such as Helping Children Adapt to Kindergarten and Revealing the Secrets of Children's Growth ―― Analysis and Strategies of Common Problems in Family Education. She has trained tens of thousands of preschool teachers and held hundreds of lectures on family education, and is known as "the teacher's teacher" and "the friend of parents".
Over the years, Wang Puhua has devoted himself to the research and consultation on children's psychology, family education, family education and the cultivation of learning quality, and has accumulated many innovative research results. Based on the present situation of our education, this book puts forward its own pertinent views and suggestions on many emerging educational concepts.
On the road of raising children, various situations emerge one after another. In the past, parents were too busy to take care of their children's growth, so the children survived one by one by their own tenacity. Some children are covered with injuries when they grow up, and some children regard it as a badge of growth when they grow up. However, now parents and society are generally concerned about education, and a little noise on the road of children's growth has been infinitely amplified and widely discussed.
In fact, the child is just an ordinary person, not a peep show, so there is no need to invest so much enthusiasm in discussion. If the whole society treats you like a chimpanzee and looks at you and talks about you all day, I don't think you can stand it. If your child is born, he will enjoy the meticulous care and care of a large group of people day and night. When he enters the society and does not enjoy everyone's attention and love in the group, he will certainly be unbearable.
But now, in families with children, almost everyone pays attention to the children, and they are too nervous at the slightest trouble and don't know how to deal with it. Therefore, in order to appease these parents who pay too much attention to their children's behavior, experts clamor for unconditional acceptance.
In other words, many seemingly incomprehensible or impermissible behaviors of children and adults are actually very normal behaviors in the process of children's growth, which have different performances with different growth periods. When this growth period has passed, this behavior will gradually disappear. If a naive behavior appears for a long time, it shows that growth is somewhat lagging behind.
But the current situation is that unconditional acceptance has almost become a panacea. Children don't listen or do their homework. Experts want us to accept it unconditionally. The child rebelled and smashed things. Experts want us to accept unconditionally ... parents can't ask their children according to their own requirements, but accept unconditionally. How can I accept it unconditionally? Is it really good to care too much about the child's feelings and be afraid that he is a little uncomfortable? If we are guided by children's feelings, who will care about parents' feelings?
People are equal. Strictly speaking, parents can't ask their children to take their feelings as the code of conduct just because they are privileged, but the educational concept centered on children's feelings may not make sense.
China's "golden mean" in education emphasizes "golden mean", that is to say, it is impartial, based on facts, not people-oriented. So the educator and the educated are at both ends, and the fact is in the middle. People must turn around the facts in order to be "neutral".
However, in children's education, where is this "middle"?
The child looks innocent, and all actions are unconscious. But behind every behavior that makes parents have a headache, there must be a clear purpose for children. However, because children can't clearly express their thoughts or parents can't understand the motives of their actions with their children's mentality, parents often use their own code of conduct to interpret their children's motives, which often leads to misunderstanding of their children.
In fact, by understanding children's basic psychological needs in childhood, we can get a general understanding of children's behavioral motives. There are five basic psychological needs in childhood: security, freshness, will, social value and self-worth.
These five psychological needs are all facts, which is what we call "middle". Starting from these five psychological needs, we can objectively interpret children's motives, and then solve problems from the source of psychological needs rather than focusing on behavior.
Why are children angry, unreasonable, destructive and crying? It must be that these five basic psychological needs are not met and externalized in behavior.
If their psychological needs are solved and they calm down, there will be no such behavior problems. And if you don't help him solve his psychological needs and simply stop his bad behavior, this time has passed, and he will definitely do it again next time, and it may get worse because of being suppressed.
Unconditional acceptance refers to accepting children's psychological needs. Like adults, they have both worries about survival and desire for value, both the spirit of exploring new things and the joy of breaking through themselves.
But for bad behavior, we should accept it conditionally, and we should not indulge it blindly. If you understand unconditional acceptance as acceptance of all children, you will harm your own children. When all children's behaviors are no longer restricted, you may regret it when you look back.
Every child has his own psychological needs like us. Should we meet every psychological need?
Objectively speaking, yes, but subjectively speaking, not every psychological need should be met. For example, harmful psychological needs, such as harming others and being self-centered.
However, why do we have bad psychological needs?
All this comes from wrong ideas, which come from our childhood, some from our direct experience, and some from our indirect experience.
For example, your child won the battle with his little friend, and you feel very gratified: fortunately, it was not my child who was bullied. Although you won't praise your children blatantly, your words and deeds can't help showing appreciation, which will encourage your children to win or lose, instead of convincing others by reasoning. This is a direct experience.
If your child sees his good friend severely criticized by his mother for taking other people's apples and slaps his hand, he will know that it is shameful to take other people's things casually. The next time I see what I want to take, the scene of my friend being beaten will come to my mind and I dare not reach out. This is indirect experience.
A person's ideas determine his behavior. Only by helping children to establish correct concepts from an early age can they have healthier psychological needs. A good boy, if he wants something, will never take the form of stealing. He will go home and tell his parents that he hopes his parents can buy one for him.
Normal psychological needs must be realized through normal behavior, and parents' coping styles will strengthen their children's ideas. The process of children's growth is the process of gaining direct experience and indirect experience through interaction with the environment in daily life. These experiences continue to enter the children's brain thinking system, forming children's ideas, thus making children have different behavior patterns.
Therefore, we want to get an obedient child, unconditionally accept his psychological needs, and at the same time correctly guide his concept formation, so that his psychological needs are healthier. Only with his mental health can the wrong behavior pattern be corrected more easily. If a child's three views are incorrect, no matter how correct his behavior pattern is, it may bring misfortune to the child, and sometimes it may even be a disaster.
Accepting or not accepting a child is a response to the child's behavior. Different parents will respond to their children in the same way, and different responses will lead to different personalities of children.
Many parents don't know how to respond to their children. In fact, not responding to children is also a response, making children feel unimportant, just like invisible people. Although this does not hurt the child on the surface, it will also make the child feel inferior.
If coping is divided into mental level and behavioral level, it may make parents feel much easier to operate. The principle of parents' spirit returning to the store should be unconditional acceptance, which is reflected in respecting children's personality, understanding and accepting children's feelings, emotions and ideas; Behavioral response depends on whether the child's behavior conforms to social rules and moral requirements.
The quality of children is fundamental. As long as you are mentally rich, you don't have to worry too much about your behavior, so the general principle of spiritual response is to give more and limit less. The general principle of behavioral response is to give less and less restrictions, because if a child has a kind heart, if his code of conduct does not conform to the common sense of the public, his behavior is perverse, and his words cannot take care of other people's feelings, he will easily be excluded from the crowd as a different kind, and he will be happy all his life.
Parents who can't really understand their children are parents who can't see the psychological needs behind their children through their behavior, and parents who only care about their own needs and never really see their children.
The first kind of parents can really understand their children's behavior habits and thinking logic by understanding their children and participating in their interactions, while the second kind of parents may fall into a situation where the harder they work, the worse they become and the more rebellious they become. If this happens, parents may need to rethink the relationship with their children, reflect on what the problem is, adjust their direction in time, and slowly improve the parent-child relationship.
To understand children, we must approach them, see them, listen to them and really go into their hearts. Here, the author provides us with five specific steps to deal with:
1, listen
Each of us is just in our own hearts, always hoping that others can calm down and listen to us, but we have little patience to listen to others, especially children.
Many people think that I am from a child, and there is nothing to hear about children. Bullshit, Ren Tian. After this, he will know that it is not a thing. However, the child is experiencing something he thinks is too big. You must sit down and listen carefully and take it seriously. If you respond well, his words will turn over, but if you don't respond well, he may be stuck here all his life.
2. Summarize children's feelings in descriptive language.
In any communication, both sides should try to understand each other's meaning and summarize the children's feelings in descriptive language. The first is to see if you understand correctly. Both sides need to confirm. If it is not accurate, the child will repeat the key points or get angry. And if you fully understand your child's feelings and make it clear in descriptive language, your child will feel the happiness of being understood by his parents, and the heavy mood will be much easier at once, just like unloading half the burden.
3. Accept your child's feelings
Some people understand children, but they can't accept them, because there are many rules and regulations in their minds that don't allow this and that, but wise parents have no boundaries in their hearts and only understand and agree with their children's feelings.
4. Inspire and guide children to solve problems by themselves.
Understanding children's feelings does not mean agreeing with their behavior. There must be a better solution to the events that cause disputes and unhappiness. At this time, we should guide the child to look at the problem from multiple angles and think in multiple directions, so that he can come up with a solution to the problem. He put forward the solution to the problem, and he will be more active in realizing it, instead of sitting there and opposing you.
5. Evaluation and implementation
In the process of solving problems, children should always ask about the progress and feedback results, and help him adjust the problems in the implementation process at any time.
In fact, raising children is the process of interacting with children. How you respond to your child determines how the child will respond to you and the world. Wang Puhua's "Response: Cultivating Children's Positive Behavior Habits" makes us realize that as parents, we have great responsibilities. We not only bring them into this world, but also teach them how to deal with this world through mutual response, so that they can live better and let us have less troubles.