Thirty years later, she sent all three sons to Stanford University, which became a topic of discussion.
She is Chen Meiling, doctor of education.
When the media interviewed her secret, she told a short story with a smile:
The first time I found out that my eldest son lied was after an exam in primary school.
When I asked him "Did you get the exam results", he replied "Not yet".
Later, when I was sorting out my schoolbag, I accidentally turned out the paper, unfolded the crumpled paper and saw that 70 points were written on it in red ink.
I asked him, "Why did you lie to your mother?"
The eldest son explained, "Because I didn't do well in the exam ..."
At that time, I felt like I had been poked. My son must think that as long as I don't know that he didn't do well in the exam, I will think that he is a good boy.
So I gave him a big hug and asked him, "Why don't you believe in your mother's love?"
My son bowed his head and looked blank, which made people feel distressed.
Then I started to say:
No matter how much time you spend talking to your child, he will certainly understand.
I firmly believe that this is the real maternal love and education.
Kimberly Brain, an American expert in children's education, also pointed out in "You are the best toy for children":
For children, corporal punishment or reprimand may have a temporary effect. But before long, they will "do the same thing again"
Only by respecting children's thoughts and feelings can parents give their children a life gift.
The book "You are the Best Toy for Children" points out four common misunderstandings in emotional guidance.
The first misunderstanding is the controlling and laissez-faire parents.
In the TV series "School of Youth", Lin's mother began to think like a Tang priest when her daughter came home from school, from eating to washing her hands, and even Lin's father was speechless.
Deng's mother believes that giving children a good enough material life means loving them and working hard all the year round, but rarely communicating with them.
The quickest way to destroy children is to control them in all directions in the name of love.
Some time ago, in the hit drama "The Beginning", Lu Di, a teenager who was afraid of the second society, got angry.
Rudy suffered from asthma since childhood, and his parents tried their best to take care of him. This concern continued until he grew up and joined the work.
Parents hold high the banner of love and dictate Rudy's life, even if they have a cat, they will object.
Finally, he tore heart crack lung to say to his mother:
Winnicott, a British psychologist, put forward the concept of "a good enough mother", which contains the appropriate limits of parents.
Parents can give their children close love, but they should respect their children and give them control and decision-making power.
There is nothing wrong with children, parents and teachers. If there is any problem, it must be a communication problem.
The second misunderstanding is to despise, underestimate and deny children's feelings.
You are cooking, and the child comes back from school and says, "Mom, I want to tell you something."
While cooking, you said, "Can't you see I'm cooking?" We'll talk about it later. "
Don't casually despise what happened to children or what was said to you.
If parents can deal with children's negative emotions with an understanding attitude, children will learn to deal with them properly.
This ability will help them deal with the problems they encounter at work and emotionally when they are adults.
The third misunderstanding is the use of external incentives and rewards.
This kind of "reward parenting" may be effective in the short term.
But in the long run, external incentives will make children lose interest in things themselves, thus weakening internal motivation.
The fourth misunderstanding is to treat negative results as punishment.
"I can't learn such a simple word, pig brain! Write 100 times to see if you can remember it! "
The harm of language violence will bring irreparable pain to children for a lifetime and bury psychological hidden dangers. Once the scene reappears, it may be detonated.
If you don't want a chicken to fly and a dog to jump, you must discipline your child with wisdom. Discipline is guidance.
As Dr. Marshall Luxembourg once said:
"You are the best toy for children" mentioned:
"Always from the perspective of sympathy, as a child's emotional guidance, we must learn to empathize."
For parents, respecting their children's thoughts and feelings is the best way of education.
In the hit drama "The Life on Earth", Zhou Rong left his daughter Yue Yue at his brother Bing Kun's house for more than ten years for various reasons, which led to the estrangement between mother and daughter.
However, when 65,438+05-year-old Yue Yue was distressed that he "didn't know how to deal with the relationship with Nan Zhou", Zhou Rong's words instantly warmed Yue Yue's heart, bringing two hearts away from Qianshan.
Zhou Rong reminded her: "Yue Yue, you are only seventeen years old ..."
Before the words were finished, Yue Yue took the following words like reciting the text in frustration: "All aspects are immature, emotionally!"
Zhou Rong is sober: Yue Yue is like himself, and he can risk his life for love.
So, after listening to Yue Yue's real thoughts, she didn't preach and dig.
However, from the perspectives of Nan Zhou and her, this paper analyzes in detail the subjective and family reasons of Nan Zhou's attachment to emotion and righteousness.
He listened to take orally, and also deepened his understanding of his brother Nan Zhou.
Finally, Zhou Rong shared her understanding of emotion over the years: think more about each other and be yourself. Mutual attraction is more important than mutual pursuit!
Yue Yue was completely moved by her mother's guidance, and the hearts of mother and daughter soon got closer.
Emotional guidance can not only promote the communication between you and your child, but also deepen the affection between parents and children.
More importantly, building a "protective armor" for children can recover from negative emotions more quickly when children encounter adversity.
Regrettably, in real life, even loving and well-meaning parents will inevitably criticize, punish and preach to their children.
I remembered a little thing that my neighbor complained to me two days ago.
My son scored 98 points, ranking first in the class. He proudly said to his father, "I got 98 points this time!" " "
Dad asked, "What are those two points?"
Next time, my son really got 100. He thinks his father should be satisfied this time. Unexpectedly, his father only said three words: "Don't be proud!" "
Since then, my son's academic performance has become worse and worse.
I can understand the neighbors' pains. He wants his son to guard against arrogance and rashness.
But the message the son got was that his enthusiasm was extinguished by pots of cold water, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not get his father's approval. This kind of effort is meaningless.
John gotman believes that you should be with your children whenever they are excited, sad, angry or afraid.
As a parent, it is necessary to help your child in the way that she needs you most when she needs you most.
What is a child who grew up with emotional guidance education?
There is a particularly classic story in "You are the best toy for children":
Kelton, a 4-year-old boy, is playing with some children in the park. They kept pushing toys.
Two of the boys pressed their toys directly on the two-year-old girl's feet.
The girl cried, and kelton went to the little girl's mother and said to her:
It is incredible that the girl's mother heard such a gentleman's apology from a 4-year-old child for the first time!
She said to kelton's mother:
Emotional guidance enables children to face different opinions or arguments, stand in each other's perspective and put themselves in other's shoes.
How did Caden's parents cultivate a compassionate and tolerant "little gentleman" through emotional guidance?
1. Sow
Children are more likely to cooperate by letting them know in advance what will happen and what will be needed in some cases.
Observe and judge
listen attentively to
4. Observe and understand children's feelings.
Encourage children to express their feelings to others, but don't vent their emotions on others.
Compassionate
Looking at the problem from the child's standpoint is empathy.
When we really put ourselves in each other's shoes, children's negative emotions will soon disappear.
The book Lifelong Growth with Children says:
The ultimate goal of accompanying children to grow up is that one day, even without parents, they still have the ability to be happy.